Urgent advice needed

[Manathma]

I’m desperate and need to get out. Been married since 2011. Have 3 dc, all under the age of 14. Dh is an alcoholic and it’s just getting worse. Never physically touched me but very verbally abusive, financially controlling and puts me down all the time. Mostly when he is drunk and then claims he doesn’t remember the next day and gaslights me saying I’m overreacting or making it up to make him look bad.

The house was his before we got married and he pays all bills and mortgage. His choice. I do work 30 hours a week to enable me to do all school runs and bulk of all child/home care. All other expenses are paid by me.

I need to get out. I’m so desperately unhappy and don’t feel safe as his drinking it getting worse and worse. He drinks as soon as he gets home and comes to bed drunk every night. I don’t have any family support.

Ive tried women’s aid a few times and they haven’t been much help. The local council say if I leave the house I will make myself intentionally homeless. I can’t afford to rent my own place as I’m in the south east and it’s very expensive. I just don’t know what to do. He point blank refuses to move and threatens to kick me out daily. He has locked me out in the past. I just want to move away with the dc as he is aggressive with them and I won’t leave without them. He tells me I can leave if I want but I’m never taking his kids away from him.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Where can I go? Is there any help I can get? I feel very trapped and defeated right now. He’s currently downstairs drinking. I have no savings and am in overdraft so I won’t be able to afford the first months rent and deposit so I can’t privately rent.

You might want to go and read the whole post!

Yes all 3 dc are his. He is a high earner and has a fairly low monthly mortgage as he had overpaid the first 5 years. I was a stay at home parent for the first 10 years as after the first dc I had twins who were very poorly and in and out of hospital the first few years of their life. I went back to work in 2022 and have been at the same job ever since. He was not happy about me returning to work as he preferred me to stay at home, look ages the kids and cook and clean. He has always framed it as I pay for everything, you live in my home, I give you everything you want so why do you need to work? He is quite a controlling person in general.

You need to take control of your finances. I make only a tiny bit more than you. I pay £1000 a month to contribute to bills and mortgage, and I have savings and pay livery for a horse out of what’s left over, and I still have several thousand in personal savings.

Change your salary to be paid into your personal account and let him actually pay the bills and mortgage himself as he claims. He can’t both be paying everything himself AND taking £700 a month off you.

Honestly, I would move back to where you’re from citing affordability locally. If you can’t stay where you are, you have to move. Stay with friends or family until you get on your feet. Make sure the coercive control and the abuse is officially recorded somewhere. It will make life easier for you going forward with contact. If you’re married, the house is still a marital asset.

He has done this because he knows that in law you gain more legal rights if there is financial proof that you have paid part or all of the bills - Council Tax, utilities, rent or mortgage - of contributions towards those outgoings.

He has taken £700 a month from you in order that he then pays those bills from his account.

This is a legal grey area - and would require specialist advice from a solicitor regarding whether the £700 pcm contributions you have been making for ...... years could be viewed as a contribution towards the house.

However ^ that is a financial matter for the divorce and doesn't help you escape in the meantime.

Have you got any friends / school friends / cousins / Facebook chums..... anywhere in the UK who would be able to offer 2 or 3 bedrooms to you and your children until you can get sorted?

Start asking people. Start asking everyone you know especially people with big houses with lots of rooms.

They have a long marriage. This advice isn’t relevant.

My salary goes into our joint account.

So tell your employer to pay it to your account
Move out
Claim top up uc

It’s not ‘his’ house, it’s both of yours because you are married. It’s a marital asset as are any savings and pensions either of you have. He either doesn’t know this is the case, or he does but hopes you don’t realise and that’s why he talks about ‘his house’ to try and make you think he’s correct (which he isn’t).

I moved quite far away from where I grew up and tbh, I didn’t have the best relationship with my family when I left. My parents were abusive growing up and in hindsight I see that he came in like the knight in shining armour to rescue me from them. When I met him I was sofa surfing after being kicked out by my parents and was not in the best frame of mind. I was vulnerable and effectively homeless. He swooped in to the save the day and I moved in with him quite quickly. I was pregnant with dc1 4 months after I moved in. He’s a fair bit older than me and I was too young and immature to see any red flags. His family took me under their wing, so to speak. I was always encouraged to spend all my free time with them and as I was a stay at home mum, I didn’t have the opportunity to make any friends. Since over started working, I have made a few friends but no one that in particular close to or feel comfortable sharing details about my personal life. His family see me as the lucky one and that he did me a favour by marrying someone like me

How awful.

There is a Facebook page called 'Free Legal Advice' which does have some family lawyers on it. Copy your post and paste it there; you can do it anonymously.

Make sure that any legal advice is being given by a solicitor, and check their credentials; many people (like me) post to help with general anecdotal tales that may correlate and give some support, but for something this serious, you need to find out what your legal rights are--especially with that ludicrous 'intentionally homeless' thing.

Sending positive vibes ... I really feel for you.

I go back to work on the 5th and I will be opening up my own bank account and asking for my salary to be moved into that. I currently only have that one joint account.

Im reading all of this back and reading the replies and advice and realise how stupid I’ve been. Honestly, this is the way it’s always been and all I’ve known. He always convinced me he knew what was best and I’ve just gone along with it. I think he assumes I don’t have the backbone to argue back

Thank goodness someone knows what they talking about!
Some dreadful 'advice' has been posted on this thread.

OP, make an appointment with a solicitor as soon as you can and get definitive advice as to your legal position.

Well done OP.

you haven’t been stupid. Nothing about this is stupid. It’s not your fault and you’ll get through it. It’s nearly over 💐

He picked you because you were young, vulnerable because of past abuse and nowhere to live, and hence easy to control.

You've wised up to him and taken the first important steps towards freeing yourself from him.

Do you have your own bank account? If not, open one. If you feel that it will be safe to have your salary paid into it, ask your employer to do that. If not, could you start asking the checkout staff for cashback when you do the shopping? Just a tenner here and there? And pay it into your account.

He must have loads of money, but you have to buy everything for the kids out of your £700 per month that he so "graciously" "allows" you to keep? Arsehole. He's acting like they are your kids, not your and his kids. And yes, I think this is financial abuse.

ETA: I've just seen your update. ❤

I sent you a DM, Manathma.

I also just saw that you are married to him! That is great because this gives you so many rights! Check out my earlier post in this thread, also my DM, and get chatting with a good family solicitor asap. :)

Have a read through the information in these guides as well, really helpful and when you feel more informed about where you stand and how the process works you’ll feel more confident as well.

www.advicenow.org.uk/get-help/family-and-children/divorce-and-separation

Hey op, i hope you can stay safe tonight. You sound quite desperate. Its good you are reaching out for help and in the mindset to leave. Id start to read up on these things in the background. Once were back to work next week id try to discuss this with a solicitor. You can have a phone consultation and talk things through. Also get onto your council again. Definitely lead with the domestic violence element.

im hoping 2026 will be the start of a new life for you and the kids. Just know it will feel really difficult once you get the ball rolling but once its done, the relief is amazing and having a calm happy home is just wonderful x

It doesn’t matter who has paid what when you are married, the minimum when you split is 50/50 of all assets. You will likely get more if you are the primary carer of your children.

Record his drunken behaviour (sound in secret, not waving a camera at him), report him to the police when he becomes nasty.

Apply for an occupancy order at the family court to have him removed from the home. He’s had a drink problem for a long time, it’s escalating, you feel scared, children are unsafe. Get him removed!

Start divorce proceedings & get legal advice in terms of what you need to ask for in the divorce.

Keep all communications to text/e-mail about the children and only communicate through a solicitor in regards to the divorce. Do not communicate otherwise.

I get this may have happened over time and you’re only now realising the true extent of where you are. Your children are being exposed to unsafe behaviour and you need to start protecting them. You also do not deserve this! Dig deep, find your strength and get yourself and your kids out of this.

Religious or not, try your local church, sometimes they will help if they are able.

Sorry Womens Aid are wrong as are local authority. Domestic abuse situations involve a different set of criteria for homelessness where domestic abuse (whether physical, emotional, financial or a combination) and should present in an emergency band - will depend whether children or not as to element of "emergency" (not my emphasis). There should be something on your local authority's website about this - search the council website and then when you contact them press this information again and again and again until they accept responsibility. You may have to really really push them on this as they like to absolve themselves of any accountability.

Mine are currently doing this despite their clear (and government) policy. For me I won't push because I can currently fund a private rental but it's there in case I need it.. Find your local domestic abuse charity (but again I find they really don't know the law and are great at "soft" stuff but not on actual legals also they may offer refuge if they have available (can be a room or if lucky an apartment) but if you are deemed to be too able to pay you will lose out and left to find a private rental (can understand as places are limited). They also like to pass the buck.

I was told by an IDVA that if deemed in need for emergency refuge, you could end up virtually anywhere in the country which is a pain with children, particularly if at the GCSE or A level stage where you need stability. You may be placed in a hotel for a few nights before moving to refuge.

The one "good" thing is that if the house is not in your name and you are married you can register a caution against the owned property (you can do this yourself or instruct a solicitor) but really crucially because you are NOT deemed to own another property you will get universal credit no issue. For many of us leaving but still owning a property (with the ex still living in and refusing to vacate) we are stuffed as we can only claim universal credit for 6 months before it's stopped unless we can prove property is up for sale (with ex stalling) or has a sale. It's then up to an assessor to decide whether we still qualify for universal credit.

Honestly, from the little I've learnt I should put up a "if you are leaving an abusive relationship this is what you need to know" ..... as the domestic abuse charities don't do this and they should.

Lots of people offer "emotional support" (think aw babes how terrible, or I can't believe it, or let me know if you need a vent or sending you love, or house is both of yours as you are married (or common law marriage which doesn't exist legally)) but what I found is that I really needed to know where I stood financially - how would I cope; be able to feed myself and children, pay bills, ensure they got to school and saw their friends and any close relatives. Good practical support is what I needed initially.

Other option is (if it's possible) is an occupation order for the home. Beware this only gives you short term protection. Maybe 12 months at best and needs a court to confirm that effectively your spouse is kicked out of the family home.

In your shoes I would:

1. Contact Womens Aid/local domestic abuse charity
2. Contact local council about options for housing
3. Contact a solicitor for any that offer a free basic advice for family/divorce (not all do)
4. Any local citizens advice/pro bono/local university law department that offers a law shop
5. Any employee offering you have with work (law, employee assistance program, counselling)
6. Turn to use/entitled to and places like moneysavingexpert/mumsnet money/single parents board
7. Contact family/friends - is anyone able to help with accommodation or perhaps ferrying children to school if you move further away.

This is BEFORE leaving. Try also to have a leaving fund which you can access in cash or a separate account. However little it all helps. Plus what everyone suggest; copies of birth/marriage certificates, educational achievements, bank statements etc etc somewhere safe in cloud or hard copied at a family members (if you trust them). I've probably missed stuff but hopefully you get the picture. If there are ensuing SS and police involvement having good records will also assist (eg copies of text messages, emails to ex/family members/school etc). Make notes of interactions each day and email them to yourself at least daily so have a note of what actually happened so you have evidence, Pictures/video/audio also good if you can but not if compromises safety. Phone good for this. Unless of course you have a partner who relentlessly videos/audios covertly or not and then doctors them!

Best of luck!

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who commented on this post and sent me private messages. I have read through them all and for the first time in a long time, I feel hope. I don’t feel as overwhelmed as I did a few hours ago. I know it’s going to be a long process but I am feeling a lot more confident about taking that first step.

Happy New Year and thank you for making 2026 just that bit brighter for me and allowing me the confidence to know that I can do this. I don't feel I have anyone in real life who has my back so you don’t understand how much this means to me ❤️

My ex husband kept our house in his name and as another poster suggested, you must register your interest with the land registry. I was advised to do this by a solicitor.
When we sold the house as part of the divorce settlement, I got just over 50%. Good luck for your future.

You need legal advice. Some of the advice on this thread is really inaccurate.

As you are married, it’s irrelevant whose name the house is in. It’s likely you will walk away with at least half the equity plus a share of any other assets such as savings or pensions.

Get the relevant info and make a plan from there. You are in a stronger position than he wants you to believe.

You would be entitled to Universal Credit. You should have a chat with them. You can rent from a private landlord - you don’t need to tell the landlord you are on UC - you work 30 hours a week anyway.
You will be fine financially and as long as you are the main carer of the children and you don’t do 50/50 he will have to pay you child maintenance - this does not affect your UC payment, it’s completely separate - even if he gave you 1k a month (it’s based on a percentage of his salary) you would receive UC on top.

Hi, quick post about the house. As your name isn’t on the deeds he could for example sell it without needing to tell you or remortgage etc. there is a form called HR1 where you register your claim to the house. He then can’t do anything without your permission. When I divorced my husband and I moved into his property - this was the first thing my solicitor did.

Also look into knowing how to get help quickly. I don’t mean to alarm you but his behaviour could become worse once he starts to feel he is losing control. If you need to call the police you dial 999 and then 55 and you do this without saying a word. The operator will know