Not heard from friend in ages, no birthday message either

[OhFeyreDarling]

I've not seen my best friend in over two months now, last saw her at her birthday party. We'd arranged to meet up a week or so after but she cancelled saying she was knackered (she does have on going health issues) I said not to worry we'll catch up soon. I left her to get in touch as we do meet regularly as a group of 4 of us, usually twice a month or so. Didn't hear anything for a while so I sent her a message hoping she was all good, sent her hugs and said hopefully catch up soon. She just ❤️ reacted to it and I've heard nothing since.

It was my birthday yesterday and I didn't even get a message from her, she's since messaged our group chat saying hope we all catch up soon and I just don't know. I'm single and live alone and don't have too many friends, I'm so bloody lonely at times I just feel a bit let down by her. She's a lovely person and has loads of friends and a partner, she's always thinking of others so it kind of hits harder and maybe it's just me

Am I being sensitive?

I don't often remember birthdays of friends unless it comes up on my FB feed so maybe she just forgot.

You'd forget one of your best friends birthdays unless Facebook reminded you?

Ditto. I know when their birthdays are but it’s not a big thing for my group. I wouldn’t notice or be bothered if I didn’t get a personal message for my birthday.

Well, I'm a great advocate in doing ypur bit in such situations. You've reached out but they're not forthcoming. Best to leave to them now.

A similar thing happened to me. A friend's contact became more seldom over time and despite repeatedly reaching out, contact finally dried up in 2009. Haven't heard a peep from him since. By that time, I'd left the ball in his court. Unfortunately, he didn't want to remain in touch. It was an odd feeling where I felt a little in the dark.

If she has ongoing health issues, she might just be having a bad time at the moment? I'm always knackered after Christmas and just want to have some quiet days at home. Maybe she needs to rest. My sister's birthday is the 29th and people often forget because it's the busy Christmas period and people are visiting family etc.

Why not send her a message and say fancy a meal out or meet up for coffee and cake for your birthday? If you don't get a response from that, I'd leave it to her to get in touch from now on.

Im terrible at birthdays.

She might be the same and actually may not be well atm. I would reach out to check if she is ok and if she needs anything

Yes. I've no idea when my friends birthdays are

Yes, same. I know vaguely when most of them are but not the exact date.

And I don’t go on FB every day so it’s perfectly possible I’d miss any notification there.

Were people not wishing you a happy birthday in the group chat, OP? That would definitely prompt me to send a message.

I also have no idea when my friends birthdays are - if Facebook or insta tell me I will send them a message, but that’s it. If it’s out of character for her and she has ongoing health issues it may just be she’s struggling a bit and has been tired. I’d reach out and check she’s ok, and if you don’t get anything back, just leave it.

I have a very good friend (who I've known for more than 20 years) and she doesn't do birthday or xmas cards - but we still meet up for a walk/lunch/coffee every couple of months or so.

She's obviously busy or a bit down.
Sending a message saying we must meet up is so easy to do but without making any firm arrangements, its not much better than putting a 'like' on someone's FB post. It requires very little effort and means nothing.
It absolutely doesn't mean she is favouring the group over you.

Yes. At some point in adulthood, it's a bit silly to expect your friends to remember the exact date of your birthday.

I've known my closest friends for over 4 decades and I know roughly which week and month they have bdays but not the exact dates (anymore). Since people often celebrate on the weekends, things simply get lost over the years. If you count immediate family members and children, the average person has to keep tabs on 5-10 "non-negotiable" birthdays, many which involve lots of work and preparation. Friend's birthdays get sidelined at some point because it would be ridiculous to remember 15-20 birthdays in your head and have the cards or congratulations ready.

The worst type of people are adults who deliberately turn off their birthday on FB and use that as a test to see how many people still remember to congratulate them.

Give her a call. Actually talk to her. Use wishing her a happy new year as a reason.
Take her lead when you talk.

OP you say she has ongoing health issues. That is hard to manage.

Last year I totally forgot my best friends birthday, and I wasnt even busy, and when I realised I was mortified. Could it be that she forgot?

Give her a call, if she does not pick up the phone tell her you wish her happy new year, and that you are there if she wants.

If nothing comes of that, then I would take that as she is not wanting contact. And I personally would then give her the room she needs and stop chasing her.

Send her a breezy message saying something like “we’re overdue a catchup, I’ve checked my diary and I can do these dates/times for a coffee/lunch/catchup are any of those good for you?”
That way you’ve reached out and put the ball in her court.

You're all right of course, being a bit daft. Just feeling sorry for myself, I've got in a bit of a low spot being by myself and I've heard from very few people in weeks.

I suppose am I allowed to think when does someone think 'ooh not heard from Feyre in a while, wonder if she's ok, maybe I should call her' etc

If she’s got ongoing health problems and has been knackered then maybe she needs you to take the lead and a ‘hope you’re well’ message isn’t really enough. Let her know you’re thinking of her and would love to meet, suggest a specific week rather than leaving it open ended. If she doesn’t reply then maybe it’s time to back-off for a bit.

I'd be more worried than feeling let down (although I'm another one rubbish at birthdays and rarely remember them or mark them - I don't expect it from friends to me either though). Have you messaged her to ask how she is or how her health is, be a bit more specific than just "Hope you're ok". Normally if people stop contacting, it's not about you, it's about them (crazy busy, overwhelmed or ill, something absorbing their time like a child, partner or parent issue). It's OK to feel let down, but I think only focusing on that might not be the right course of action, you might need to be a friend to her as well as expecting that she be a friend to you (if that makes sense!) She might need space, or she might need support. If you need social stimulus maybe join a group or try a different friend whilst she's potentially out of action, try and cheer yourself up by doing something nice for yourself or reaching out to a few other people. Hopefully she's OK and just busy....

Surely not that hard to remember birthdays? They are the same date every year after all. Just put them in your phone as an annual reminder.

I don't remember anyone's birthday. FB is worth it just for that. Anyone who takes it as a test of how much I care about them, is going to be disappointed.

Glad I'm not the 'worst type of person' (surely not though) then, I still have my FB birthday on. Pheww

This is what I do, and I don't remember every person and their dogs birthday either. Just family and couple of my close friends

We're obviously the exception though, just find it a bit sad

Possibly you don’t mean as much to her as she does to you. That’s not to say she doesn’t care about you, she’s just not thinking about you in the way you think about her as she has more going on in her life.

Or she’s unwell or busy and isn’t thinking about things like birthdays. I have a largish group of gf’s who’ve known one another donkeys years and unless someone puts a happy birthday message on our group WhatsApp I’m usually unaware of it - or if I’m in a low mood I may not be on WhatsApp etc altogether and miss it. It does seem to be something that’s more important to a couple of my friends than others. If I don’t get messages on my birthday from friends I just assume they’ve forgotten and think no more of it, I’ve done it before myself.

This is another thing - you’re organised. I’m terrible at doing things like this. I always mean to organise a diary or whatever but never get round to it. I’m just not organised enough to organise myself!

Im a scatterbrain. Is your friend a bit like this?

I have ongoing health issues but I still remember my closests friends’ birthdays. I will admit I’m sometimes a day out for the lesser close but FB does a good job of reminding me.
So it’s about 7 bdays I always remember then a couple more I know ‘around’ the date. Yes there are some friends I dont remember but they’re newer friends and they don’t really ‘publicise’ it.
Not ‘silly’ at all to remember bday of someone I’ve known for 40 years- it’s ingrained in my long-term memory.