Not heard from friend in ages, no birthday message either

[OhFeyreDarling]

I've not seen my best friend in over two months now, last saw her at her birthday party. We'd arranged to meet up a week or so after but she cancelled saying she was knackered (she does have on going health issues) I said not to worry we'll catch up soon. I left her to get in touch as we do meet regularly as a group of 4 of us, usually twice a month or so. Didn't hear anything for a while so I sent her a message hoping she was all good, sent her hugs and said hopefully catch up soon. She just ❤️ reacted to it and I've heard nothing since.

It was my birthday yesterday and I didn't even get a message from her, she's since messaged our group chat saying hope we all catch up soon and I just don't know. I'm single and live alone and don't have too many friends, I'm so bloody lonely at times I just feel a bit let down by her. She's a lovely person and has loads of friends and a partner, she's always thinking of others so it kind of hits harder and maybe it's just me

Am I being sensitive?

I know my closest friends birthdays, but that doesn't mean I necessarily notice that it has arrived! (I do now have reminders on my phone)

The downside of having a birthday at this time of year is that people are so busy that even a notification is easily swiped away with a thought of "I'll do that in a minute" and then just getting distracted (I do it with all sorts of things)

Given that it is out of character not to have seen her I'd also give her the benefit of the doubt that managing xmas time plus health has just got a bit much, and I'd maybe message her this weekend and try to plan a meet up.

Thanks all for the input, and I know it was in my title but the main thing isn't necessarily about not getting a message from her, it's just her being very distant in general and my birthday just topped it off.
This same friend took me out for tea last year for my birthday cos she knew I'd be on my own.

I'm just feeling lonely thats all, like I've said I don't have a lot of friends and no one reaches out when they haven't heard from me in a while. I was in a very dark place a month or so back and I'm a bit scared of heading back there.

Anyway I've reached out to her to ask her out for a catch up, we'll see what happens

I have never forgotten my friends birthdays but I'm a lot older than most of you, I expect. To me, it's natural to remember the date and send greetings. I would think maybe your friend is having a spell of bad health and doesn't have capacity to share that just now.

I have only a vague idea when my best friend’s birthday is.

That’s two very different things, OP. Are you primarily concerned she might be seriously unwell, or resentful she’s not been in touch? Gently, it’s not her job to stop you being lonely, unless you actually call her and tell her you’re feeling low and would love to see her — what about the rest of the group yku say yiu meet regularly?

I just wonder, if her lack of contact/no birthday message etc is out of character for her, whether something is going on for her. I instinctively know when something is up with my best friend because she goes quiet. Perhaps she is going through something - and stuff weighs heavier at Christmas too. I’d encourage you to, if you love her, reach out and ask ‘are you ok?’ Or ‘is everything alright?’ Many people shut down when going through a difficult time. Depends on your level of friendship but you could always knock on her door and physically check in too.

Do you not write them on the calendar or in a diary?

It wouldn’t occur to me, no.

Lots of memory problems on this thread!

I'd be worrried if it was my best friend, it would be unusual for her to forget my birthday so I'd be concerned that she was having problems in her life. I'd check in on her again OP.

When someone is my friend I note their birthday in my phone calendar and set it to repeat annually. Its a pretty easy to do, and means you don't have to memorise lots of dates. In the old days I had an address book with a birthday section. For me it's a part of friendship to celebrate their birthday, even if it's just by sending a text. I even do it for friends kids. This thread has made me think I'm unusually birthday alert!!

I'm also aware that single people might not have anyone making their day special, so a birthday message is even more appreciated.

Me and my friends don’t tend to do birthdays unless it’s a special one. If I saw it on facebook I would send a message but I don’t track them otherwise. I’d try not to take it personally, if she has a lot going on it could be she’s not thought about it.

Yes.

I'm amazed at all the people who don't bother with their friends' birthdays! And it isn't about 'remembering' them - I have a shocking memory but I have a diary. It's dead easy. And they remember mine. Not big fuss - for a coulple it's a card, one it's a message and a couple it's a (modest) gift and card.

In any case, the point here is that the Op has a certain relationship with her friend, and the friend seems to be acting differently. Their 'normal' appears to have changed and the op is understandably upset by it.

I'm glad you've reached out to her Op. Do try not to overthink. Most times that someone goes quiet or appears 'off' it's about something happening in their life, rather than how they feel about you. It could be that her illness is consuming her right now.

You sound like a lovely person and a good friend, and you deserve good friends in return.

Wow, I'm amazed at the memory problems expressed by loads of people here.
I remember my family & close friends' birthdays, have them on my phone calendar and also a perpetual calendar. I like to at least acknowledge them or get them a little something special (or go out for a drink or whatever).
I'm not that old, but I feel it reading this thread! Is it really too much to ask that someone remembers?
OP, hopefully you have heard back from your friend by now, hope you go for coffee somewhere nice (and happy birthday)

This thread is hilarious. What kind of friends don’t remember other friends birthdays? Wtf 😂

I don't think yabu.

I wasn't on fb for months but I've put my good friend's birthdays in my calendar. So I don't have to remember. My phone does it for me! My friends are important to me so sending a quick message on their birthday is something I always do.

Just for now, see how it goes with your friend on the back of your latest attempt to reach out. If she doesn't respond or want to make plans you may have your answer unfortunately.

That said, don't put all of your eggs in one basket. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely but it will be fuelled by this friend, as one person cannot make up what you need. Is it possible to make arrangements with other friends or try making some more? I wish you all the best op.

I was thinking that. If you cba even putting it into your phone and making a small effort for your friends, what is the point of being a friend? Luckily the small amount but amazing friends I have in my life make an effort as do I.

It's not hard to set reminders and be a good friend. And I say that as an ND person.

Thanks to all the people who've made me think I'm not a needy weirdo for remembering my friends birthday and hoping it's reciprocated. I'm still astounded at some of the replies

I have heard back from friend, we're meeting up tomorrow. I suspect she's not been great herself and now I feel terrible, I guess two people in not great places don't always make the best friends. I need to work on myself and my anxiety about my loneliness

It was xmas season
She did respond
She was busy
One of my friends bday is xmas day he is the only on ei know or remember
I don't get or expect bday cards from friends

Me

I forget my family’s birthdays if it isn’t written down, so a friend would stand no chance.

Adults who don’t make a big thing about birthdays.

It’s not something me and my friends are fussed about. It’s one day of the year

Hope the meetup goes well, OP. Loneliness can be crushing. I hope you manage to work on what you need this year and feel better. Happy new year.

Nearly everyone forgot mine last year. I don’t mind if it’s friends who don’t expect anything of me on their birthday, but a lot of these same friends expect at least a text or call from me and in some cases even an appearance at their birthday events.

I am not good with remembering dates but I always made an effort for them and put it in my phone diary etc.

I show up for their events even their kids birthday events. In some cases this involves traveling hours to get there and staying at hotels etc, so it was a bit of a shock when it wasn’t reciprocated. I don’t ask for much just a text or a call, and they know I live alone so usually wake up on my birthday alone.

Beyond birthdays, I’ve realised that I’ve been carrying a lot of friendships and when I step back it’s as if they forget about me and the friendship starts to collapse.

Going forward I won’t be putting in the same energy or effort for maintaining friendships or I’ll be annoyed it’s one sided.

That’s a good update - I am glad you are going to meet up now .

I hope things get better for both of you and you are able to support each other!