Not heard from friend in ages, no birthday message either

[OhFeyreDarling]

I've not seen my best friend in over two months now, last saw her at her birthday party. We'd arranged to meet up a week or so after but she cancelled saying she was knackered (she does have on going health issues) I said not to worry we'll catch up soon. I left her to get in touch as we do meet regularly as a group of 4 of us, usually twice a month or so. Didn't hear anything for a while so I sent her a message hoping she was all good, sent her hugs and said hopefully catch up soon. She just ❤️ reacted to it and I've heard nothing since.

It was my birthday yesterday and I didn't even get a message from her, she's since messaged our group chat saying hope we all catch up soon and I just don't know. I'm single and live alone and don't have too many friends, I'm so bloody lonely at times I just feel a bit let down by her. She's a lovely person and has loads of friends and a partner, she's always thinking of others so it kind of hits harder and maybe it's just me

Am I being sensitive?

I understand your disappointment when your expectations are of mutual reciprocity. However sometimes this ebbs and flows in life when friends are a different life stages to each other - and you can of course move on from that friendship or trust the balance returns as childcare demands ease.

If you do start dropping these unsatisfactory friendships make sure you have built up new ones with more compatible relationships ahead otherwise your loneliness may get worse.

I am talking about friends I’ve been there for when they’ve married and/or had multiple children - babysitting, attending baby showers and weddings and birthday parties. And the ones with kids are now 11+ and obviously still young, but are relatively independent and past the stage of keeping their parents awake with crying! Either way, there’s only so long you can continue with carrying the lion share of friendship.

Interestingly, I have certain friends with young kids who are in fact a lot better with playing their part in maintaining the friendship. For example, it is my wonderful friend and his lovely wife with two kids under five that always invite me to spend some days with them over Christmas or travel to see me during the summer. So what I’m seeing now is it’s more of a personality/character thing.

I am not actually lonely - that is Op who said that of herself . And I’m the kind of person that would rather have 4 really good reliable friends than say 14 friends where a majority of them tend to disappoint! So I don’t really need to look at replacing any friendships that fall away.

And to be clear, I’m not actually “dropping” them. I am just no longer taking sole/main responsibility for the friendships.

If they care about the friendship they can always step things up on their side. And if they don’t care or notice that’s fine too! It will be sad momentarily but I’ll wish them well for the future, thank them for the memories and continue on my journey without them.

I was just a bit disappointed as the one-sided nature of it has dawned on me over the last few years, especially 2025 - but overall I just tried to be neutral.

So I noted it as info to guide me on moving forward. Basically, this is how things are and so I can either be annoyed at the lack of reciprocity or adjust my own efforts.

I am genuinely shocked at the number of people who claim it’s too difficult to remember the birthdays of close friends unless Facebook reminds them.

I’m pretty sure that even if you aren’t a FB user (I’m not) then everyone will have a calendar or contacts app on their phone. It takes 30 secs to put someone’s birthday into either their contact record (so it will show up as a calendar reminder) or to put it straight into your calendar as a recurring annual entry.

I’m not saying that a big deal has to be made out of an adult’s birthday, not at all. But it used to be completely normal to actually remember your close friends’ birthdays and either send a card, or just say “happy birthday”. It seems that with the advent of modern technology, people can’t be bothered with simple acts of friendship like this any more. Which is a real shame for modern society, I think.

It's not too difficult, it is unimportant. I don't care about my birthday, and my friends don't care about theirs. As usually is, people tend to become friends with people who are similar in outlook to themselves. To you, someone remembering a birthday means something for a friendship. For me (and for my friends) it means precisely nothing. Friendship is shown in other ways to us than a greeting on a birthday. Is that so shocking? If so, maybe it is time you learnt that not everyone in the world thinks like you or values the things you do.