Boyfriend’s holidays with female best friend

[OneSassyRobin]

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, we are both in our 30s but he is 3 years younger. When I started dating him I knew he had a female best friend (5 years younger than him). I found this weird from the off because I don’t do ‘opposite sex best friends’ in any way myself but ok, I thought I would give it a chance.
Since we have been together they have gone on 1 solo trip together (booked before we were together but during when we were dating), 1 trip with a third friend there for some of the time but they shared a bed at the end of the trip which he only told me after (swore it was top and tail), and they booked in July a room with a double bed as part of a big group NYE trip (context, his friends are all 5 years younger than him so everyone going is sharing a double bed with someone, but the other people are sharing with their partners or they’re single). Said best friend had to drop out of the trip in about September so since then I received an invite to the trip but I only the other day realised what the initial plan must have been when I saw the pictures of the house.

On top of this, they text all the time and she wanted to have a call on Christmas Day. I find it all a bit much considering my 1 male friend I speak to once a month and would never propose a holiday without his girlfriend being invited.

it’s not that I don’t trust my boyfriend and I have met her briefly a couple of times too, but I think this is just not the behaviour of a mid 30s person in a committed relationship.

WWYD?

I had a friend who was in a relationship for 2 years with a guy who had 2 female friends lurking in the background. The 1st female friend was a gorgeous looking girl the 2nd girl was some boring ugly older frump he shared a hobby with.My friend was not sure if anything was going on with the babe friend, so asked her male friend to secretly befriend her boyfriend in the hope he’d spill the beans. My friend wasn’t concerned about the ugly fat frump who wasn’t on her radar.

turns out the babe the boyfriend had shagged for a few months but the boyfriend thought was boring as hell & he was trying to get rid of her, was ambivalent about her, but she was desperately clinging on to friendship as she fancied the boyfriend like mad, and the guy liked the attention.

the ugly frump was doing kinky sex with her boyfriend with sex tapes to prove it & the boyfriend couldn’t get enough. Told the new guy friend the frump was a non-negotiable part of his life.

If you already have someone in your life you talk to every day and have sleepovers every week with, it doesn’t seem like there’s room for a relationship, whether or not you’re romantically interested in your non sexual soul mate. Ditto for her.

I’ve crashed in the same bed as close male friends before at house parties and so on, when there were no other options. Booking a double bed in advance is weird to me, personally.

@Nicewoman the last bit of your post is what I think my latest ex had going on with a much older woman. I’ve often wondered if she had videos to blackmail him or something . Very odd situation. Although I had no solid proof the evidence points to a dom and sub situation with her whilst trying to have a ‘normal’ relationship with me. I’m still reeling over it.

Bin him. He’s taking the piss. Do not message the best friend. Don’t humiliate yourself like that.

Your username is ironic considering you refer to another woman as a boring ugly older frump.

So did you end up going on the trip @OneSassyRobin ?

It’s a no from me.

I would move on.

He won’t find many women who would tolerate this. And if he meets THE one, he wouldn’t risk losing her over this. Can also guarantee that when she meets THE one she won’t be sharing a room never mind a bed with him ever again.

@OneSassyRobin

I have been in a very similar situation. Was casually seeing a guy who had a female best friend. He didn’t tell me on our first date about her, but after about 6 weeks in, I realised he had a female best friend and was ok with it. However, as time went on, and the more comfortable he felt, he would tell me they were going on holiday, short breaks, festivals, did everything together. Still all ok with me, not really my business as we were casual, but then this year he told me they shared a bed when they went away, which I wasn’t happy with at all. But again, couldn’t say anything. I realised I wasn’t happy with the situation, even being a FWB. He would always prioritise her over me and that will never change so I ended it.

I believe he’s hankering after her and have told him as much. She will always be in the way but I am gutted about it.

Hmmmmm. I’ve met a lot of people in my time and this issue of men who have a gf but also female friends in the background seems to crop up all the time.

unfortunately, it’s not as simple as when they meet “the one” they will stop sharing beds, having sex etc.

These scumbags actively LOVE the secrecy that they are “secretly dating” only their partners are fobbed off with “just friends” nonsense.

And it works both ways. Half the time the female friend tells her boyfriend that her male friend is gay, or she doesn’t fancy him that way.

The gf of the guy is told they are just friends and she’s like a sister to him.

What their friendship has been up until now is not your business. But now you are his partner...he needs to change the boundaries.

Its normal when you settle into a committed relationship thst maybe you have friends from single days where the dynamic now needs to shift. I had this when I met my husband...we both changed the way we hung out eith certain people...

After all being young wild and free does change as you get older

You need to decide your boundaries and then have total faith in yourself and your need to set them
.ie. no more room sharing as if he was a single man.

I dont thinknits about trust necessarily..its about acknowledging he cant behave like a single young guy if he wants commitment eith you

They're f#cking, and he's stringing you along.

Somebody else above was clear: no more sharing rooms.

stop making excuses for this man.

reading the posts so far I think the only reason he picked an older girlfriend is because he thinks you will put up with this arrangement and all his previous gfs have told him to FO.

He is way too old to be prancing around in beds with younger women, and you are too old to be putting up with it.

personally, I wouldn’t put up with any female friends unless I met them and every occasion we all went out together.

what happens when the female friend gets a bf, how does that work. She tells her bf on a Friday night she’s going away for the weekend with her male friend (who has a girlfriend), but the gf has been told to stay away and yes, this female friend is sharing a bed “but nothing will happen”.

oh please! Stand back from this and realise how ridiculous this all sounds.

these people want their cake and eat it. Or rather they want their kitty cat and eat it.

I’ve seen that all the time. There is always some female friend in the background who is seducing the boyfriend, but also telling him they are only FWB or she doesn’t mind he sees others, all the while feeding him romance, friendship, endless BJs, and mind-blowing sex.

It only carries on, because it’s SECRET. As soon as it’s exposed as a relationship with sex, the whole thing falls apart.

The guys generally don’t realise they are being manipulated by the female friend. They want the situation to continue as they are having their cake and eat it - sex with multiple women.

I have a very dear friend who I used to bedshare with and be very close with- but when he met his partner all that cooled right off, as it should; and I also now have a partner and so while my friend and I occasionally meet for coffee (sometimes with our kids) we are much less close than we used to be. We each have a best friend and partner in our ‘life partners’ and that role is filled. We still care deeply about each other and our friendship is intact, but it looks very different to 20 years ago. If it was still the same as back then it would be deeply disrespectful to our partners.

We haven’t discussed this because it’s such an obvious thing that needed to happen. It never caused a problem because we respect each other, our partners, and our relationships with each other and with our partners.

@OneSassyRobin your bloke doesn’t sound as ready as you are to be in a committed couple; he’s still conducting his friendships like a single man. Are you sure he sees your relationship the same way you do?

any man with a female best friend will be an instant no from me in the future

I gave it a chance as one of my best friends is male but it’s a normal friendship where we only text a few times a year outside of the group chat with our 2 other friends and see each other around twice a year as everyone has busy lives.

My last relationship was like I’d walked into another relationship and felt like I was intruding . Absolutely enmeshed with each other . He told me his last gf dumped him the day after meeting his ‘best friend’ so after 2 failed relationships due to her I wonder if he’ll keep her hidden completely next time .

No, after posting this I happened to find out he had a thing going with a married woman at his workplace, cliche of cliches 🙄

Oh no! So sorry OP. How did you find out? Has he left?

If he was cheating on you with one woman, it could easily be two. I would be thinking about getting STD checks.

I hope 2026 brings you happiness 💐

He sounds like an absolute rat

Sorry to hear that OP. New year, new start.

for everyone else reading this, learn your lesson with any boyfriend:

1. no shared holidays with female friends without you. If something has already been booked, it will have to be cancelled or others swapped in instead
2. no shared rooms with female friends
3. no shared baths
4. no meeting up socialising with female friends without you being present
5. no texting every day, no “she’s the first person I turn to” “she has no-one to turn to” “she just asked me to go to her flat to put up shelves” etc
6. tell the boyfriend to have men only friends and tell him to tell the female friend to get a boyfriend, back off and stop pestering your boyfriend.

job done.

Oh OP, I’m sorry to hear this. But as a pp said, new year, new start.

I have been in the exact same position as you with both the female friend, and I’m still getting over it 6 months later, and the cheating partner.

We can do better!

To be honest, ditch him. That's a forcefield you'll never break through. Do you really want to spend your coming months and potentially years coming second fiddle to this other woman? In a really great relationship, you're the partner and the best friend. Something isn't right here. As for him, he really should be working out with this 'best friend' if they are destined to be together, or if he wants to get proper distance from her and get himself ready for a relationship. At the moment he's double dipping - dating you and having all this intimacy with the 'best friend'. Yes, intimacy. Because that doesn't just mean sex. It's the closeness between them. This whole situation, it's not something you want to invest a lot of time into.