Boyfriend’s holidays with female best friend

[OneSassyRobin]

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, we are both in our 30s but he is 3 years younger. When I started dating him I knew he had a female best friend (5 years younger than him). I found this weird from the off because I don’t do ‘opposite sex best friends’ in any way myself but ok, I thought I would give it a chance.
Since we have been together they have gone on 1 solo trip together (booked before we were together but during when we were dating), 1 trip with a third friend there for some of the time but they shared a bed at the end of the trip which he only told me after (swore it was top and tail), and they booked in July a room with a double bed as part of a big group NYE trip (context, his friends are all 5 years younger than him so everyone going is sharing a double bed with someone, but the other people are sharing with their partners or they’re single). Said best friend had to drop out of the trip in about September so since then I received an invite to the trip but I only the other day realised what the initial plan must have been when I saw the pictures of the house.

On top of this, they text all the time and she wanted to have a call on Christmas Day. I find it all a bit much considering my 1 male friend I speak to once a month and would never propose a holiday without his girlfriend being invited.

it’s not that I don’t trust my boyfriend and I have met her briefly a couple of times too, but I think this is just not the behaviour of a mid 30s person in a committed relationship.

WWYD?

That’s a very good point

All very odd OP look for someone else.

Yes, poor innocent men, unable to resist anything dangled in front of them.

Seriously?

If I was in an "exclusive" relationship with a bloke who would in fact cheat as soon as another woman showed an interest, she'd be doing me a favour quite frankly. Why would I want something that was only mine while nobody else wanted it?

He is too old to be behaving like this, she's too old herself and you're way too old to be tolerating it.

Honestly tell him things need to change or you're going to walk. If she kicks up a fuss and he entertains it then I would walk.

I've had many male friends (totally platonic) who when they've gotten into a serious relationship the way we have spent time together has changed. This is totally fine with me and I've respected the fact that they are prioritising the relationship over the friendship. Sometimes the friendship has died, other times I've become friends with the girlfriend too.

Is he very immature? Why are all his friends younger than him but he's got an older girlfriend?

The only thing I'll say about the houseshare is maybe there was another plan for the beds entirely until you were included and then loota of people moved around. So maybe they weren't going to share. I hope so anyway.

It's really weird they are acting like 19 year olds cuddling up 'as mates'. In pretty much all those situations one of them was looking for a ride.

You need a really honest chat with him if this relationship is going to survive. Be really clear what is acceptable and what isn’t. I would ask him to pull back from this friendship and certainly no trips away with her.

I wouldn't be able to trust him, whether or not it's platonic, and would always feel uncomfortable about it, so I would probably want to finish it. There isn't a reason why a man in his 30s needs to share a bed with anyone else and he should know that you would feel unhappy about it.

I think that's reasonable. I don't like to have to outline what's acceptable or not because I feel that should already be a given but in this case apparently needs to be a discussion.

The other complicated thing is that he goes on holiday with her and their mutual friend (M) and the three of them share a room. Normally that wouldn't cross a line for me but with the amount they text I also feel uncomfortable about the shared room on the group trips, which I also wouldn't be invited on.

This wouldn’t work for me, OP

If you just want someone to shag and provide some company... its fine, I suppose.

If you are dating with a view to life long partnership and children it would be a no from me.
This just wouldn't work. Its not healthy its enmeshed / codependent / something.

This is good advice. I know we feel we shouldn’t have to outline what we think is obvious in a relationship but sometimes we do. He needs to know how uncomfortable you are with these holidays and sleeping arrangements. You need to think about what you want to do if he won’t change.

I have a friend who I used to be in a physical relationship with.
We will share a bed, bath with each other etc and nothing happens.
If he or I were to get a new sexual partner I'd expect to stay friends with him, but the sleeping and bathing arrangements would need to change because boundaries.

The only guy I've top and tailed with was gay. That was an awkward night!

All these trips where you’re not invited needs to stop. End of.

whether it’s bf with his mates, or boyfriend mates and mutual friend. The lot.

as a partner, you need to be put first. If your boyfriend has a problem with that, or refuses that, then you have to explain to him it’s over.

I wouldn’t call it a committed relationship as you describe OP.
He priorities his ‘bestie’ over you. Sounds like he fancied her but it never developed, so they just became ‘besties’.

He can play dumb until you actually sit him down and tell him you're not ok with how closr she he is with another woman including sleeping in the same bed.

They're excluding you from big things like trips. They're the couple and you're the odd one deliberately left out.

It doesn't sound to me like you are a serious relationship for him.

I mean, I don’t disagree that this relationship doesn’t sound particularly committed or functional, but I think it’s significant that so many Mners (on a board containing disproportionate numbers of people who struggle with friendships) think that someone should automatically jettison any friendship that a new boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t happy with.

I mean, in the world of people with healthy friendships and relationships, no sane person is going to end a longtime, valued friendship for the sake of a new relationship that may not last.

I don’t think a disproportionate amount of MN posters struggle with friendships - it’s just that people only tend to post when things are tricky, not when all is well.

Otherwise you could say that lots of people only the health board have poor health, it’s the same principle

I’m mean dump him - but do not send her that text (or indeed any text) he is your issue, not her.

What’s the history of their friendship OP? Invariably they say no never hooked up ever in the past & then it usually becomes apparent they did but it meant nothing was drunken, hedonistic blah, or one of them always fancied the other but never did anything & now values the friendship so much more etc. Are finances at play for why they seem so intent on room & bed sharing - as can see how that wld work esp in larger groups & holiday accommodation shares when budgets are limited. Holidaying together just feels like he’s wanting it all - a lifestyle before you two became attached - which for him sounds quite post university /student ish or low on finances dictating choices - and also the relationship with you. I don’t know how compatible you are as you sound more together & mature than him. If his best friend is just a friend & nothing more why can’t they accomodate you as his now partner into their friendship? Equally he’d argue why can’t he still see his best mate & do the things they would normally do? Forcing you into being THAT GF - when you’re not. Fundamentally you aren’t comfortable with the having close friends of the opposite sex & he is. I mean I wld’nt share my best friend of the same sex’s bed let alone the opposite) when I would go away on holidays at the same age, so I don’t really get why he has to. He clearly however is. Sad when that might be the only deal breaker - but it’s enough to divide you & cause you conflict. I’d listen to your gut that you don’t have to settle for that. Even if it is completely harmless & it’s totally platonic. It doesn’t align with your ways of relating to others & it kind of needs to.

Hard pass for me. Couldn’t be with someone who lacks the boundaries and common sense to think it’s ok to share a bed with another woman when in a 9 month relationship.‘ you can do better OP.

Three people sharing a room on holiday. Leave OP you deserve better than this situation

Op, I do wonder how your boy friend would feel if it was you sharing beds/rooms with other men??

I agree. In my time I’ve heard loads of conversations where a male and female friend claim nothing happened between them. Then it turns out they fucked each others brains out once or dated on and off for months or years or are friends with benefits going back years. Then agreed to be just friends and each of them got other partners & agreed amongst themselves to say they’ve always just been friends & don’t fancy each other as that was more convenient when new partners snoop or get jealous about them.

I had a goof friend once tell me that she dated a guy once and they agreed to meet in the park for a date in the summer. He turns up with a female friend which she knew about. Anyway, so the boyfriend was holding hands with the female friend the whole time whilst she was walking along like a 3rd wheel.

I told my mate in no uncertain terms to have it out with her boyfriend and/or dump him.

the boyfriend spent his whole time defending the female friend claiming the female friend was some shy damsel in distress who always needed rescuing and comforting and no harm was intended & he forgot he was holding hands.

turns out the female friend was smirking and licked her finger in the air saying that’s another girlfriend she’s “seen off”.

beware.

OP - I think the issue is not his texting/trips - those are just the symptoms, or signs that you are not seeing.
YOU - want to be in a committed relationship, I am guessing you are in mid-later 30s and you want commitment and thinking of settling down.
HE is clearly NOT n the same head space as you.

He is 3 years younger - and is friends are further 5 years younger than you. Stop and think about why that is. They are late 20s, most likely. Or just turning 30. They are not in a hurry to form relationships and they are very clearly not in the same life stage as you are. And neither is your boyfriend.

Don't waste your time with him. Leave him to his life where he can think he is young and not needing to make serious life choices. He is clearly not mature enough for that.

Wonder how a new girlfriend will take that:

man says to new girlfriend: had a physical with this (very attractive) girl & remained friends, we continue to occasionally bath together & share a bed, but don’t worry, we’re just friends who share all our lives and problems etc and I went through a bad time & she was there for me and she went through a bad tIme and I was there for her. My family love her. but don’t worry, she’s so nice she’s agreed that during our relationship, we won’t have baths together or share a bed together. I just wanted to be honest & upfront with you & respect your feelings”

LOL