Boyfriend’s holidays with female best friend

[OneSassyRobin]

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, we are both in our 30s but he is 3 years younger. When I started dating him I knew he had a female best friend (5 years younger than him). I found this weird from the off because I don’t do ‘opposite sex best friends’ in any way myself but ok, I thought I would give it a chance.
Since we have been together they have gone on 1 solo trip together (booked before we were together but during when we were dating), 1 trip with a third friend there for some of the time but they shared a bed at the end of the trip which he only told me after (swore it was top and tail), and they booked in July a room with a double bed as part of a big group NYE trip (context, his friends are all 5 years younger than him so everyone going is sharing a double bed with someone, but the other people are sharing with their partners or they’re single). Said best friend had to drop out of the trip in about September so since then I received an invite to the trip but I only the other day realised what the initial plan must have been when I saw the pictures of the house.

On top of this, they text all the time and she wanted to have a call on Christmas Day. I find it all a bit much considering my 1 male friend I speak to once a month and would never propose a holiday without his girlfriend being invited.

it’s not that I don’t trust my boyfriend and I have met her briefly a couple of times too, but I think this is just not the behaviour of a mid 30s person in a committed relationship.

WWYD?

Why would he have to sneak off to talk to his friend? He would answer the phone in front of his hypothetical wife just the same as if anyone else called. And why would she tart herself up to go to the cinema? My male best friend gets the same version of me that the girls get (which is usually slob).

I know a guy who does this with his long time FWB, he always wonders why he is nearly 50 and still single. I have tried to explain no woman wants to date a guy who is texting another woman at all hours of the night and day, who has private in jokes and pictures all over social media. She is the longest relationship he has had and he honestly can't see that she affects every other one. He has history of cheating so I guess he figures this is the best of both worlds. I have no idea what he will do if she ever meets someone...

I wouldn't share a bed with someone of the opposite sex I wasn't in a relationship with. Actually I wouldn't share a bed with someone of the same sex and I'm straight. It just wouldn't be comfortable. For goodness sake he's in his thirties he's not some naive teenager. It's just not on. I think he's taking the piss

Get rid asap

Yes, one of them secretly fancies the other most likely and there’s some sort of commitment issue/ backstory going on that you don’t know about. It’s like an emotional affair OP - get rid! I expect they cross the line from time to time with each other.

You are unhappy with this, enough reason to end the relationship.

Yes you are correct. All real red flags unfortunately. He is in love with her.

the 5 years younger are all her friends? No?

They are fucking.
You are the kitsch older side piece.
Get rid.

I would have no time for that mess.

in the bin with him

I also have a friend like this. He’s 50 and has friends with benefits and baby mamas all over the place. Cheats like crazy and can’t hold down a relationship for longer than 6 months.

@OneSassyRobin I don’t understand why you have stayed with him this long? He’s taking the piss out of you but you are letting him? My guess is they aren’t just friends and most people would have dumped this guy ages ago. The only people who say this would be ok are the ones who would do this themselves. He should naturally want to tone down this so called friendship and set boundaries if he cared about you, but he’s got no interest in doing that. He’s shown you what he actually wants to do so just let him get on with it. Find someone else who wants you and only you and puts you first.

Yes. It’s not working for you. The only behaviour you can control here is your own. He’d be crazy to get rid of a close friend for the sake of a new relationship that may not last, so your only option is voting with your feet.

In my opinion you know when a man and a woman are friends or “friends”. There is a difference.
When I met my husband he had a couple of female friends he knew through a hobby. One was nearly 10 years younger than him. They used to go on date like outings all the time. Dinners, cinema, shopping trips, walks, weekends away, he used to do all DIY in her house etc. When we first got together he was doing much hand wringing over how to tell her. That’s when I said enough. I told him that if you need to worry and stress over how to tell a friend you’re seeing someone then they clearly aren’t a just a friend. I asked him if he was worrying the same amount about telling his male friends which he admitted he wasnt. Anyway I told him I didn’t want to be involved in this weird type of relationship and we pretty much broke up. He did then however get in touch with me a few days later apologising and saying he’d thought about it all and that I was right. It still took a few months for him to fully extract himself from the whole weird thing (He originally hoped he could just tone the friendship down but that didn’t work from the start as she got very upset when he first started saying no to meeting her. She asked if he was now going to “abandon” her etc. So he had to cut the entire thing.) But it’s been over 10 years now and it all worked out. His other female friend from his hobby he still sees. They go and do their hobby together. Sometimes I go and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they have dinner after just the two of them. She joined us for Christmas this year. I have no idea how often they text nor do I care anymore than if she was a male friend. She’s just a normal real friend. So I think you can often tell the difference between a friend and a “friend”.

Not at all. Not if she's his close friend.

It also gives her opportunity to say if he's not been honest with her (eg: if he said it was an open relationship).

Why are we so scared to talk to eachother? We all know men lie their arses off sometimes so we need to have each others backs.

I make a point of introducing myself to my besties partners asap and making it clear I absolutely have no designs on him. And he's gay!

I agree. There are just too many women out there who are seducing men who have partners, all the while pretending they are “just friends”.
Men LOVE female attention & if they don’t have to pay for the female friends upkeep, they love it even more! Men are just deluded & exploited by women who get their claws into men.

I’m lesbian and came out later in life. I’ve always had loads of female friends (only one male), including some I’ve known for decades. So I would share a bed if needed on holiday. But I don’t text any of them constantly. And even my lifelong best friend and I only texted on Xmas day.

Leave. Now.

They are doing the dirty on you, I reckon she’s FWB

The two of them are going to end up married. I would get out of the way and move on to be honest.

My best male friend was like this, he had a few close female friends and as far as I know we all slept in the same bed as him. We were all younger too. Looking back I think it was a control thing on his behalf and if i encountered this I wouldn’t be happy.

Start looking for another boyfriend. You don't have to break up with him, after all, he isn't breaking up with her, but you should definitely start looking. He is not long term material.

Dh is completely platonic with his sisters but I wouldn’t stick around if they shared a bed, somethings are just wrong the same as I wouldn’t get into bed with my platonic brother.

In fairness, you sound like a bit of a knuckle-dragger, so isn’t it just possible your projecting your Neanderthal thought processes onto other people?