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Original poster

He won’t move in with me

62 replies

Anneliot · 28/12/2025 13:40

Just looking for other opinions and outlooks on my situation. Myself and my partner are stuck in a long distance relationship and the struggles of it are becoming almost too much for me. I stay in the British mainland and he says on an island. Geographically we are less than 40 miles apart but need to take a ferry over so it’s a journey of over 2 hours. He has one 10 year old son from a previous relationship and I have a 10 year old and 14 year old. Over a year ago we discussed moving in together and we agreed that I would rent a larger house and he’d move in with me. He openly said he really disliked living on this island and couldn’t wait to move. He planned it all out with me including how things would work with his son. He said he would bring his son over on weekends to stay with us and we’d get him for half of the holidays. My partner was staying in a small bed sit at the time so had his name already down on the waitlist for a council house. The same week I signed the lease on this bigger house for us all to stay in he got offered a council house. He accepted the house but said it was just temporary as his bedsit was really horrific. Problem is that after over 6 months of telling me he was moving in he then changed his mind. Now the best he has offered me is 4 nights here and the other three nights he’s back staying at his house on this island and his son stays with him on those days. I’m at the stage that I’m ready to fully commit and move in together but he will not do this and is now saying his son won’t like to come to the mainland on weekends. Also I can’t move to this island as his house is too small for myself, my two kids, him and his son and there are no job opportunities for me there (he is a self employed builder so was keen to start working here on the mainland). I’m now stuck feeling like I’m in a part time relationship because he won’t commit to moving in with me after telling me continually that he would for over half a year. If he moved here he’d see his son every weekend and half the holidays so it’s not like I’m taking his child away from him. I’m now even in this house which has a bedroom specifically for his son (who I get on with so well). Any advice would be greater as in loosing my mind over this!

OP posts:

Luluissleeping · 28/12/2025 14:34

I can't see it working. I would end it. Probably not what you want to hear. Wouldn't it be better finding someone closer? Also all the childten affected.

Brandedpredatory · 28/12/2025 14:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

StealthMama · 28/12/2025 14:39

The hard truth is that he doesn’t want to move in with you. He wants to have things as they are. If you don’t want that then it’s time to call it quits.

Brandedpredatory · 28/12/2025 14:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ManyPigeons · 28/12/2025 14:43

He was just using you to get out of his tiny bed sit, sorry OP. It was never about location and always about having a nicer lifestyle. Now he’s got a house he’s happy where he is.

LizFromMotherland · 28/12/2025 14:48

I know it's hard for you to hear but he'd be an absolute mug to give up his council house now he's finally got it for him and his son.

His 10 year old child needs that security more than you need to live with him.

InBedBy10 · 28/12/2025 14:48

Yeah, sadly hes changed his mind. To be honest i think he'd be a fool to give up the security of a council house to private rent with you (or anyone). Given you have always been long distance, I'd say you haven't spent enough time together to really know each other. What if he moves in and you dont get along?

I think you need to deside what you want. If you are not happy with long distance then end it. Hes not going to change his mind. I would also be annoyed at having moved to probably a more expensive house for him and he pulled out.

TwistedWonder · 28/12/2025 14:49

My first thought was he’s right not to move in together when your kids are the ages they are.

However the fact you’ve discussed and agreed it and he’s backtracking is a red flag and it does seem he wanted a decent roof over his head and now he’s got his own place, he’s no longer bothered.

Id seriously consider ending things tbh

LizFromMotherland · 28/12/2025 15:02

TwistedWonder · 28/12/2025 14:49

My first thought was he’s right not to move in together when your kids are the ages they are.

Id seriously consider ending things tbh

But surely any good parent would choose the security of a council house for their child, than moving in with a family they've never lived with before?

Him and his child would be out on their ear if they split up.

BillieWiper · 28/12/2025 15:04

I mean if I was given a council house after years on the list and living in a tiny bedsit I'd take it. If not for me then for my child's sake.

You've not lived together before and if it went tits up he'd be back to square one having left the island.

I think it's just not going to work. Unless you can just carry on with you having two separate homes and seeing eachother regularly. But he's showing he's clearly not that into moving in with you on the mainland. Which sounds like a deal-breaker.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/12/2025 15:09

No one in their right mind would give up the security of a social housing property to move into a private rental - which is bigger and prob twice the cost of the social housing rent.

As a single man he was very lucky to be offered one. even if he does have his child every other weekend.

You now need to find a new rental that fits the size of your family, when the new rental tenancy is up.

Newgirls · 28/12/2025 15:11

In many ways you have it right - keep your finances and kids separate and meet up when you want to. Blending brings its own issues as many on mumsnet will tell you

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2025 15:12

Well, his priority order was ..

house close to his son
house 2 hours from his son
shitty bedsit close to his son

he was happy to move from 3 to 2, but then 1 came available.
to be honest, I would prefer 1 over 2 as well (and possibly 3 over 2 too)
it’s a shame you’ve been messed about, are you able to move back in to a smaller place, this has been unfair on you.

awrbc81 · 28/12/2025 15:14

I can understand his side, he’s prioritising his son.
Moving in with him doesn’t work for you or your children.
I think you should decide if you can live with a part time relationship until his son is older or if you can’t you should end things.
If you can’t afford your house on your own move somewhere smaller.

Snoken · 28/12/2025 15:15

It doesn't make sense at all for you to live together. You both have kids who needs you and him living 2 hours away from his would be hard. His son is also not going to want to spend every other weekend and half the holidays so far from his friends and hobbies as he gets older. It was a bad plan from the start that meant you got to keep everything you already had and he had to give up his time with his son, who would have been the person who lost out the most in all of this.

Dozer · 28/12/2025 15:19

He’d be a poor parent to give up the opportunity of a council property and remaining close to his son in order to move to live with you and your DC, with his DC having reduced time with his father and lots of avoidable travel.

He shouldn’t, however, have told you he would do that. Thoughtless at best, or worse ‘Future faking’ or using you if the council property didn’t come through.

other than that the current set up would be fine for many people, indeed better than attempting to step parent and ‘family smash’ until DC are adults. But if that’s not for you and / or you’ve lost trust in him, break up.

Dozer · 28/12/2025 15:22

Agree that if you can’t afford the larger property alone, move again. If your boyfriend is decent he should cover at least some of the costs you have incurred and will incur due to him reneging on what you’d agreed. If he won’t, that’s another bad sign.

Friendlygingercat · 28/12/2025 15:33

I can see where your bf is coming from. From a tiny bedsit he now has the security of a social house for hiself and his son. This is something that many would envy and would not want to give up. It looks like he has made his choice and prioritised his son and secure housing ahead of a long distance relationship.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/12/2025 15:35

He was using you because he was still on the list for a council house. Just call ut a day.

ForLoveNotMoney · 28/12/2025 15:49

I think he has done the right thing OP. Annoying for you though. What was the financial situation of the house you rented? Have you paid everything? Should he have paid something? I think if it has all just been talk and you’ve steamed ahead then that is on you a little bit.

A part time relationship however, sounds perfect and is what I currently have. We are looking to buy but who is to say when we find a house I or he may get cold feet? You just don’t know until the situation arises

zipadeedodah · 28/12/2025 15:52

ManyPigeons · 28/12/2025 14:43

He was just using you to get out of his tiny bed sit, sorry OP. It was never about location and always about having a nicer lifestyle. Now he’s got a house he’s happy where he is.

Thats exactly what I thought.

OriginalSkangCantGetInAccount · 28/12/2025 15:55

What you want isn't at all good for his son

Arlanymor · 28/12/2025 16:00

Split out the issues:

Why isn't four nights with you and three nights with his son a reasonable compromise? You get to see him more under this arrangement than you do now don't you? I think it's a better arrangement for his son too than him moving away.

Can you afford to keep the bigger house on? If not then you need to downsize and he can financially help with the moving costs because he's the one whose circumstances have changed.

Not everyone can be in a long-distance relationship - I was in a relationship with an 8,000 mile difference and we made it work and if it had been anyone else I wouldn't have even entertained it. Is this the relationship for you?

EmbroideredGardener · 28/12/2025 16:00

So his son would never have a weekend at home with his mum or his mates from school, same with half the holidays. From that pov alone it makes sense to not move in together. Add in the unicorn of a council house, and trying to blend families doesnt seem like such a good idea regardless! I think you either need to keep things as they are or find someone who will move in with you, if thats what you want

BunchOfShapes · 28/12/2025 16:08

Moving away and in with you in a big rental property genuinely probably sounded great when he was in the bedsit. Maybe he genuinely did think he hated living on the island.

Now he has his own property, things have changed.

Tbh, it makes sense for him to stay and I don't judge him for making that decision at all. Of course he should stay near his son if he can. Blended families can be a total disaster. If that happened he would have no way to move out and he would be totally reliant on you. Maybe he'd end up in another bedsit, but this time far away from his son.

If he was a woman, people would be telling him not to move in with a dp who lives on a different landmass, leaving behind a child, a stable home and maybe a support network, just for you. Sorry, but I think he's right to be pulling back

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