He won’t move in with me

[Anneliot]

Just looking for other opinions and outlooks on my situation. Myself and my partner are stuck in a long distance relationship and the struggles of it are becoming almost too much for me. I stay in the British mainland and he says on an island. Geographically we are less than 40 miles apart but need to take a ferry over so it’s a journey of over 2 hours. He has one 10 year old son from a previous relationship and I have a 10 year old and 14 year old. Over a year ago we discussed moving in together and we agreed that I would rent a larger house and he’d move in with me. He openly said he really disliked living on this island and couldn’t wait to move. He planned it all out with me including how things would work with his son. He said he would bring his son over on weekends to stay with us and we’d get him for half of the holidays. My partner was staying in a small bed sit at the time so had his name already down on the waitlist for a council house. The same week I signed the lease on this bigger house for us all to stay in he got offered a council house. He accepted the house but said it was just temporary as his bedsit was really horrific. Problem is that after over 6 months of telling me he was moving in he then changed his mind. Now the best he has offered me is 4 nights here and the other three nights he’s back staying at his house on this island and his son stays with him on those days. I’m at the stage that I’m ready to fully commit and move in together but he will not do this and is now saying his son won’t like to come to the mainland on weekends. Also I can’t move to this island as his house is too small for myself, my two kids, him and his son and there are no job opportunities for me there (he is a self employed builder so was keen to start working here on the mainland). I’m now stuck feeling like I’m in a part time relationship because he won’t commit to moving in with me after telling me continually that he would for over half a year. If he moved here he’d see his son every weekend and half the holidays so it’s not like I’m taking his child away from him. I’m now even in this house which has a bedroom specifically for his son (who I get on with so well). Any advice would be greater as in loosing my mind over this!

Kids should always be the priority. If he moved tin with you the chances that his son would spend any time with him in 2 years time are almost non existent. As kids get older they want to be able to spend time with friends and may have weekend commitments in their home base that they can’t miss.

I get that it’s upsetting but better that it happens now rather than in a years time. I would just end the relationship as it’s not what you want and in future really think hard about a potential partners situation before progressing a relationship. For anyone with kids, unless they already live close to you, expecting them to move is extremely unlikely unless they are a deadbeat dad

I think it’s the offer of a council house that has finished it
he’d be an absolute fool not to take it

Hi op this is your decision but how much do you love him? Sometimes compromise is needed I hope you can afford the bigger house. If I was in your position and really loved him I would do this set up the 3 days will fly by and your dc get you 3 days which is good. Op blended families isn’t for everyone his kid is his priority yours are too so surely meeting in the middle is better than what you have now.

He's changed his mind about moving in with you. Far better now than moving in and losing the council house, he is actually being quite sensible.

He now has somewhere decent for his son to stay so nobody could blame him - and he couldn't have anticipated this happenng, didn't know how he would feel.

You don't need a live in man, op, keep your independence and relative freedom.

Why would you want to be with a man that was willing to put a ferry ride between himself and his child? Switching to EOW and holidays to move in with his girlfriend is ridiculous.

You need to wait until he is actually in a position to move. Right now parenting should be his highest priority.

The reason is some women including mothers are selfish. It’s not something society likes to talk about but it’s true. We all know men are selfish but that is more openly discussed.

These women will put men ahead of their own children, never mind the man’s children.

Not necessarily saying OP is but that’s the general vibe I’ve got from a lot of women over the years when it comes to dating men with kids and/ or dating while having their own mids.

Making decisions in your romantic life which disadvantage either your kids or your partner kids speak volumes about someone’s character. And indeed that applies to both men and women.

I feel like he now has a nice stable home to offer his son and he is putting his sons needs first and what is best for him and their relationship. Which I feel is only fair for his son, but not necessarily for you. Call it a day, I don’t blame him for putting what his son wants first he obviously doesn’t want to move in with another family and his dad now wants to keep the two lives separate as that’s what his son wants.

Yep this.

He wanted a better lifestyle now he has it...

If he really wanted to he would of and not let you go to the trouble of securing a tenancy on your own, now he has security in a council property, I doubt he’d want to move to more expensive private rental now.

He has to put his own children 1st and would be a mug to move out from a council house, he is 100% doing the right thing

I agree with this.

Did you ever see/ go to his bedsit ? Have you seen / stayed at his council house he’s moved into ?