He won’t move in with me

[Anneliot]

Just looking for other opinions and outlooks on my situation. Myself and my partner are stuck in a long distance relationship and the struggles of it are becoming almost too much for me. I stay in the British mainland and he says on an island. Geographically we are less than 40 miles apart but need to take a ferry over so it’s a journey of over 2 hours. He has one 10 year old son from a previous relationship and I have a 10 year old and 14 year old. Over a year ago we discussed moving in together and we agreed that I would rent a larger house and he’d move in with me. He openly said he really disliked living on this island and couldn’t wait to move. He planned it all out with me including how things would work with his son. He said he would bring his son over on weekends to stay with us and we’d get him for half of the holidays. My partner was staying in a small bed sit at the time so had his name already down on the waitlist for a council house. The same week I signed the lease on this bigger house for us all to stay in he got offered a council house. He accepted the house but said it was just temporary as his bedsit was really horrific. Problem is that after over 6 months of telling me he was moving in he then changed his mind. Now the best he has offered me is 4 nights here and the other three nights he’s back staying at his house on this island and his son stays with him on those days. I’m at the stage that I’m ready to fully commit and move in together but he will not do this and is now saying his son won’t like to come to the mainland on weekends. Also I can’t move to this island as his house is too small for myself, my two kids, him and his son and there are no job opportunities for me there (he is a self employed builder so was keen to start working here on the mainland). I’m now stuck feeling like I’m in a part time relationship because he won’t commit to moving in with me after telling me continually that he would for over half a year. If he moved here he’d see his son every weekend and half the holidays so it’s not like I’m taking his child away from him. I’m now even in this house which has a bedroom specifically for his son (who I get on with so well). Any advice would be greater as in loosing my mind over this!

From his point of view, it's ideal.
I wouldn't be moving in either.

He is right to prioritise the needs of his son. Although he was clearly prepared to use you before the council house became available.

Splitting his time four nights with you and three nights with his son may seem like a reasonable compromise - but how is this going to work financially? Don’t let him take advantage of you.

If he moved here he’d see his son every weekend and half the holidays so it’s not like I’m taking his child away from him.

This is you deciding it would be ok for him and his son.

But currently he has him 3 days. He’s getting to an age when friends are so important. Weekend hobbies. Parties. Sports teams. He has already said he doesn’t want to come to the mainland every weekend.

Your DP is prioritising his son. Which is good.

It’s a shame he didn’t think all this through before you rented a bigger house but that works for the times he could come over? And doubtless the provision of the new flat made it possible for him to remain and be a more present Dad.

And if you can’t cope with a long distance relationship, how do you think his 10 yo feels?

It isn’t your Dc being left further away or having their contact time worked around adult needs.

Did you rush or pressurise him, even unwittingly, in your enthusiasm?

It doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t committed to you as in doesn’t love you, it means he isn’t at a stage when he can live full time with you.

And in reality until your respective youngests go to Uni this may continue.

Only you can decide what your own priority is.

I agree that he is right to prioritise his own son but I would be upset about the finances. You must have taken on this larger house thinking he would fund half and now he won't.

I'd move to a house suitable for my own DC. Then decide if this is worth continuing.

Have you seen this house? It’s very unusual that a single guy who doesn’t have his child full time would be offered one - unless it’s a one bed place?

Once he got a place, moving in was no longer on the table.

He was looking for a place to live. Also, maybe he's not happy with the idea of only seeing his son every other weekend and half the holidays and blending families with 3 kids is going to be dicey, to say the least. That's really minimal time.

I think your long distance thing is at an end.

I’d end it OP, not because of the council place and distance - he’s made the right choice for his son - but because it’s so clear you were a ticket when he didn’t think the council house would come through. I couldn’t cope with being used.

I think he’s very badly let you down, including presumably financially.
I think you know the answer.

His suggestion sounds sensible. I don't see the problem ?

Depending on what Island it is the ferries can be cancelled quite often, especially this time of the year. He would be daft to give up his council house, and potentially business for a relationship which might not work so increasing the time you spend together seems a sensible test.

Is he contributing to the rent for the larger rental property?

You have to be able to see when a relationship is not going the way you want it and decide if what is on offer suits you enough to stay.

He is on the same island as his son ✅️
He now has his very own, secure accommodation after living in a terrible place ✅️
He can now better house his son who he sees regularly ✅️
You live on a separate island ❌️
He gets less time with his son and is less available for emergencies ❌️
He has to share a home with 3 additional members ❌️
He is reliant on you to maintain this larger, privately rented home ❌️

I understand you feel let down by his empty promise, but he is making the best decision for himself and his son. Ask him to reimburse you for any out of pocket expenses and decide if you want him enough to continue the long distance... I wouldn't, but completely understand why he wants to stay put.

With two 10yos and a 14yo, moving in was always going to be a risk and unlikely to be a smooth or exciting next stage to the relationship, so although it’s a shame plans have changed, there are positives for you and your DC as well as the clear benefits for him and his DC (agree with PPs that him picking the council house over private rental is a no brainer). His status quo has improved a lot by getting the house, so staying on the island must seem much more tolerable even if the mainland has its attractions.

On balance, his decision makes sense and the only real downside is not moving in as a blended family which was never guaranteed to go well so keeping things as they are made sense for him. If that doesn’t work for you then it’s okay to call it a day and find someone closer to home, but the current set up might suit your DC better anyway. At least if you split, it’s a clear reason to end it and you won’t ever see him around. Now he’s got the house, I doubt he’ll ever move so unless you want to end up on the island, it’s probably better to end it now.

I’m now stuck feeling like I’m in a part time relationship

You feel like you're stuck in a part-time relationship because you are. If he wanted full-time, you'd be full-time.

Don't waste your life settling for this if it isn't what you want. IF you want to stay with him, you have to accept that this is all it will ever be. Make peace with it. I learned this lesson the hard way. Fortunately, I was lucky enough that the way things ended up suited me better in the long run. But that wasn't planned, it's just how it happened.

He's prioritising his son - either you accept a relationship where his son comes first and you work around that or you don't. Is it in your children's best interests to have these two moving in?

It's unreasonable to expect him to move now that his circumstances have changed significantly. You don't even want to live a 2 hour journey away from your boyfriend - would you really want to be that far from your children if there was another option?

OP I don’t think he was necessarily using you, the circumstances changed and he made the best decision for him and his son based on those changes.

Really, you might want to consider what made you put your DC through all that upheaval before your DP had committed.

He wasn’t putting his name on the lease - that should have been a pink flag. You put him above your family, he put his family above you.

Please outline why you believe you living together would be in his son's best interests?

He is allowed to change his mind - as you are

I think it sounds very sensible and an obvious solution to your situations. His son lives in the Island, he got a long waited for home fr himself and his child. You have your own home fr your children. Blending families is fraught with difficulties and you don’t have to do it but still get a workable relationship.

But ultimately only your opinion matters.

I think he is doing the responsible thing for his son. It would be really impractical for him to bring his son over every weekend. How is that going to work? He'd have to go over on the ferry to collect him and bring him back and the same on the return journey so he'd be making the journey 4 times every weekend and his son would have to do it twice. It would mean his son couldn't take part in sports or other hobbies at the weekends or meet up with his friends and that just isn't fair on him.
Maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time when he wanted to get out of the shitty bedsit but once he's thought about it he realized it wasn't going to work. The costs of the ferry won't be insignificant either aside from the time it would take. Then the council house came up and he took up the offer straightaway and he'd have been a fool not to. If he moved in with you full time and you discovered you didn't get on living together or that the arrangement with his son didn't work he'd have been up shit creek because he'd then have to start looking for a property on the island to rent which could be difficult.
Or maybe he did just use you as a backup plan in case he couldn't get a council house.

Anyway, he's come up with an alternative plan which sounds ok actually. If it were me I'd quite like it.
But it's up to you to decide whether you find it acceptable or not. He's told you that's all he can offer so you have to decide whether to accept it or to end the relationship.

I think it sounds a great set up .
4 days with you 3 back with his son.
What's the problem why do you all have to live in the same house.
It's not about commitment it's about what's best all round and for the time being this sounds great.
I think you need to get over yourself.

I was in a long distance relationship (three hours apart), I had no children my partner had one. It was never a question of who would be moving, I would have been appalled of he was willing to move away from his daughter, I knew the whole time id be moving and was happy with that.
Neither of you should be moving two hours away from your kids, the relationship isn't feasible unfortunately. You cant expect his son to travel two hours each way to see his dad.

His circumstances have changed, and he’s acting responsibly by his child. Get him to reimburse you for money you expended on the house, and decide whether you want to continue the relationship while living apart or not.

It does read like that doesn't it? OP I would either end the relationship or just keep it very casual.

He’s not prioritising his son. He didn’t want to be in a shitty bedsit so he was pushing to move in with OP even though his son wouldn’t like it because he wanted a decent roof over his head. He wanted to use her to get that. Now that the council house came through he’s happy to ditch that plan. His son is simply benefiting coincidentally.

Dump him, OP. He’s a user.

Why do you need to co-habit in order to maintain an otherwise committed relationship? Why do you need to co-habit at all, with teens who almost certainly won’t be pleased to be forced to share their living space with bf and his kid?

I’m divorced with kids and can’t see myself co habiting again while any of them are still at home. Just wouldn’t do it to them.