Management might fire him because of me - I feel awful

[Bottlesofrumonthewall]

I’m looking for some perspective.
A professional relationship I had gradually became quite friendly and informal, and what worried me was the direction it seemed to be heading in rather than any single incident. Very personal information about their marriage was being shared, and there were suggestions of spending time together in ways that went beyond a professional relationship.
I casually mentioned it, and it’s now being taken seriously and is out of my hands. A staff member doesn’t want me to see this person anymore and have escalated it to management who will consider firing them for professional misconduct when we come back to work.
What I’m struggling with now is guilt and a strong sense that I’ve betrayed the person. They’ve been going through a lot, work constantly and don’t seem to have much time or space to talk to anyone else. Part of me wishes I hadn’t said anything at all.
I feel such shame.

Were the comments reciprocated by yourself?

if so then you’ve walked into a situation that’s blurred the lines of being professional op

They have to go through a proper process and he can only be dismissed if he’s broken workplace policies that amount to gross misconduct.

none of that is your fault

Any investigation will need to hear your side of the story 1st hand so you will be able to correct any misconceptions and make it clear whether you were offended/upset/ concerned about anything that your colleague said/did.

Has the staff member who reported it and doesn't want you to see this person anymore got the wrong end of the stick? Making a big deal out of something that just isn't? You don't mention being concerned or offended by the colleague.
Surely management will ask you about it, so they have the actual facts from someone relevant.

Why do you feel shame? He's the one who was being inappropriate in the workplace, not you.

What I didn’t appreciate at the time was that, because of our different roles and a clear hierarchy, the expectations and responsibilities on him were much stricter than on me.
I’m struggling with a lot of shame around this, because I was informal too and I have inadvertently encouraged it. I genuinely didn’t realise - After reviewing the official policies and guidance, it’s clear that this kind of boundary-crossing isn’t allowed, regardless of intent.
In this type of role, situations like this are treated seriously and escalated through a formal process. I’m now aware that people have lost their jobs for similar breaches in the past. The immediate step is likely that we’re kept separate.
The only reason I’m not 100% sure he will lose his job is because he’s been working in it for over 10 years

He knew the rules after being there for over 10 years and chose to flout them. That's on him.

Now you know.

So what actually happened? Did he inappropriately touch you, make advances, sexually inappropriate innuendo?

In some organisations this can be very serious because of the authority that a more senior employee can have over a more junior one. For instance in the military or potentially some parts of the civil service. Anywhere really that the junior person can't easily tell the senior person to back off or choose to leave for another job.

If he's been there for a decade he must know that what he was doing is unacceptable.

You casually mentioned it to someone else and they have reported it to HR? For talking ? Talking only?

I work in a regulated industry where non disclosure of a personal relationship would lead to disciplinary.

It is due to the risk of bribery, corruption and blurred boundaries. Also if he is cheating then his honesty and integrity are questionable (you could even bribe him, influence pay rises and promotions, contracts, etc). He may unduly influence you or when you split up (his wife finds out) the company’s reputation could be affected.

As the junior member of staff you may be okay. However you may find your reputation with colleagues and managers is tarnished as you are involved. This could be worse if he is a popular manager. Your colleague did the right thing and protected their job rather than getting involved. It is exactly what I would tell a colleague/friend to do in this situation. The longer they leave it the more complicit they become. They could have bribed him for example or being accused of bribery had they received a bonus or promotion.

Relationships are allowed but management/HR must be made aware and it’s in the handbook. Then one of you (probably you) would be moved or report into another management ‘line’.

Work relationships are common but the correct process has to be followed.

I feel so stupid

Why? Have you been in a relationship with them?

It’s never good or wise to get involved with a married man.
What on earth made you mention it?

How have you “inadvertently” encouraged this? You know he was married. As PP said you may escape the consequences because you’re more junior but I’d be looking for another job as your reputation will be tarnished indeed. I’m not condoning his behaviour at all but you’re not an innocent little lamb.

This! Probably bragging and feeling smug.
What a sorry way to end two careers.

i’ve not been dating him. I’ve just been more like his confidant, he seemed to be in some kind of abusive relationship, and then I got the feeling that he wanted to date me and I didn’t know how to get out of it so I confided in someone and they just escalated it themselves instead of giving me the advice that I went to them for.

' I got the feeling that he wanted to date me and I didn’t know how to get out of it '

by telling him you were not interested in him
by reminding him he is married
by informing him that you are not interested in married men

3 ways you could have got out of it ?

The problem is it’s easy to say that when you’re on the outside and you’re not in the situation he didn’t outright say that he wanted to date me but he did suggest that we go out together somewhere which is pretty much the same thing and friends can do that too And I just didn’t want it to go down that way at all we all I was also worried about impacting our work relationship and I want to handle it sensitively because he is going through a lot and actually so am I and I would feel really bad to break up a family and I would never do that And I know he’s probably just going through a rough patch in his marriage and I would never take advantage of that

I’ve worked in an industry where a workplace relationship led to coercion and theft. There are reasons, real ones, why relationships are not permitted. You should have both known this. You can’t claim ignorance if that’s what’s happened

Well he was in the wrong the way you have set the scene, but maybe you need to reflect on how you professionally handle such a situation - if you discuss it with others there can always be repercussions -

Very personal information about their marriage was being shared, and there were suggestions of spending time together in ways that went beyond a professional relationship.

This is when you should have immediately shut it down.

Sorry OP, that you're going through this.

Yeah I think your reputation is screwed, so it's stuffed your career as well. Depending on what comes out about what he's done you'll find people won't trust you at all in a work context.

There are lots of ways you could have backed this off and didn't. When he suggested meeting up what did you say?

How has is materialised that you're spending lots of time together etc? Have you sought him out at times to be supporting etc, or is it all led from him?