Management might fire him because of me - I feel awful

[Bottlesofrumonthewall]

I’m looking for some perspective.
A professional relationship I had gradually became quite friendly and informal, and what worried me was the direction it seemed to be heading in rather than any single incident. Very personal information about their marriage was being shared, and there were suggestions of spending time together in ways that went beyond a professional relationship.
I casually mentioned it, and it’s now being taken seriously and is out of my hands. A staff member doesn’t want me to see this person anymore and have escalated it to management who will consider firing them for professional misconduct when we come back to work.
What I’m struggling with now is guilt and a strong sense that I’ve betrayed the person. They’ve been going through a lot, work constantly and don’t seem to have much time or space to talk to anyone else. Part of me wishes I hadn’t said anything at all.
I feel such shame.

Bet you aren't the first junior member of staff he's actually harassed after trying to get them to sleep with him with the 'my wife abuses me and we haven't had sex for years' story - and that's why work are jumping on him like a ton of bricks.

When I was young and very good looking so many men felt the need to start confiding in me how terrible their marriages were.
Luckily I had no interest in married men so I shut them down swiftly.
It's the classic cheats script op. Well done to your work for tackling it.
Grim when senior men decide to play the "my wife doesn't understand me" card to younger employees

Strange these men never feel the need to share their marital worries with balding Alan from accounts

This such a stupid cliche.

Plenty of men do share their marital worries with balding Alan from accounts.

But these relationships are called "friendships", so don't bother anyone.

This ⬆️. I’ve seen this so many times (the serial shagger thing). As a line doesn’t actually sound like it’s been crossed though he’ll likely just get a talking to, so I’d prepare to start hunting for jobs if I were you. I imagine the atmosphere might get a bit uncomfortable. At least HR have been alerted now so they’ll be watching him.

He made you feel uncomfortable. That’s on him.

I agree he probably has form and they know that. You don’t need to feel bad. You were coerced and groomed by someone who should have known better

It isn't though. When I was young and very attractive I had men falling over themselves to tell me how terrible their wives were and how unhappy their marriages were.
Now I am much older it seems to have stopped entirely.

Men very much do this when their brain has dropped into their penis

It's hard to know if he actually was wanting to pursue a relationship with you beyond having someone to offload his family issues onto. I feel sad for him in a way that you didn't just ask him what he wanted from you; or that you didn't just set a boundary for him. Instead you've gone to another colleague to talk about it.

Do you fancy him?

Ah in any case he should have known better than to have used you for this purpose and regardless of his intentions he would have been better off speaking to friends / family / a counsellor. I take it you normally talk in work and he wanted to go somewhere outside of work. Not the smartest idea on his part.

If it upsets you that this is happening go speak to HR and talk to them about what has happened. It's no good coming from the other colleague anyway.

I would suspect he’s got form for this and that’s why he was reported 🤷‍♀️

I also wonder if he has form for this with female workers, and that's why it's been escalated by the OP colleague.

I was informal too and I have inadvertently encouraged it. I genuinely didn’t realise - After reviewing the official policies and guidance, it’s clear that this kind of boundary-crossing isn’t allowed, regardless of intent. In this type of role, situations like this are treated seriously and escalated through a formal process. I’m now aware that people have lost their jobs for similar breaches in the past.

If I were you, I would be focusing on your own job and reputation. He might well have abused his power but by your own admittance, you encouraged it and the boundary crossing isn’t allowed. Gossiping about your conversations may well also be considered a form of misconduct if it brings your company into disrepute. Your personal emails/text messages may well be scrutinised and, even if you aren’t dismissed, it could make working there untenable.

So he was harassing you and pressuring you into a personal relationship, using his hierarchical position. And someone reported the situation. Sounds right to me. Keep quiet for now.

100% this. Don’t feel guilty, OP. You’ve been manipulated. I’d focus on boundaries if I were you.

I'm not seeing what he did wrong.
You THINK he wanted to date you?
He spoke to you about personal issues and suggested you meet, is that everything? If he was gay or a woman would you be seeing this as a friendship or them coming on to you?

How do you know that senior management are considering firing him for professional misconduct- has somebody spoken to you already, has the investigation started?

Are you based in the UK, OP?

I'd say much hinges on the content of these messages between the two of you, and how that's going to look to the investigator. But he's in a position of power so it'll look much worse on him.

No need to feel guilty - just stick to the facts when you're asked. If he's done wrong, that's on him.

This.

It sounds like he's read you the script and you can't quite work out why you feel uncomfortable.

The fact you have felt able to shut down the conversation because of the moment says a lot.

I'm willing to bet he has a history.

Sounds like your organisation has rules that senior team members need to adhere to and follow. This person fell foul of that as they should not have been using you as an emotional support blanket, regardless of their personal circumstances.

I think you should stop feeling guilty - and work on your boundaries in the workplace.

Im a bit confused about what has actually happened. It seems like you thought he might want to date you but it wasnt 100% clear, as this hasnt exactly bern said and may have just been a friendship.

As an adult why on earth wouldnt you just state your own position ie say 'just to be clear from the outset, i appreciate your friendship but thats all, i just wanted to make sure we are on the same page' or something like that?

I work in a heavy male dominated industry and have some great male friends who are also professional contacts/colleagues. Ive never had an issue setting boundaries, having an adult conversation and pulling back if people seem.to be overstepping. I cannot fathom why youve spoken to someone else rather than the person involved, unless i have misunderstood the post.

The way I read it was a senior (possibly older) colleague initiated personal conversations. At the start they were fine so the OP was friendly/didn’t shut them down.

They started to get more personal and the OP felt uncomfortable. She didn’t know how to exit and asked another colleague for advise.

In an ideal world women who felt uncomfortable would be able to say outright but we are far from ideal. Look on here at how many have said she needs to look for another job, or her reputation is tarnished (very Victorian). Questioning how she could tell boundaries were being crossed when he was just trying to be friendly.

A senior man should not be telling a junior woman his marriage woes and suggesting private meet ups!

I worked in adland where this is rife.

I was harassed and propositioned as a young grad and throughout my 20s
I had multiple bosses try amd discuss their wives

I want to confirm its that easy to shut it down 9 times in 10. The 10th are actual pervert sex pests that need reporting to HR....

So honestly I dont have much time for posts like this / women like you.
You want to cut it both ways

honestly Wtf did ypu think you think would happen when you took it to HR / a colleague???
They can hardly do nothing.

To be clear he is a moron and in the wrong but you haven't made smart choices here and it will likely reflect on the professionally to some degree.

Your work are absolutely right to come down on it hard. Its gross and also from a business/legal point of view risky not to

OP, don’t feel bad. The policies are there for a reason.

what you are describing is exactly what the policies are there to prevent.

you are at work and sounds like he is more senior and in some position of power. He blurred boundaries to the point that you felt trapped, worried, stressed, and didn’t know ‘how to get out’, because of the potential professional consequences of displeasing this person. That’s precisely why people are not meant to blur boundaries, and in some work environments, people have an obligation to report if they find out about it… so the pressure is not all on the person who is experiencing it.

I understand you feel sorry for him…. But it sounds like he did indeed put you in an awkward position you felt trapped by. You can give a statement saying you believe it was innocent/ unintentional/ due to him being under stress/ that you don’t want to pursue it… that will lean them towards leniency, because they won’t be afraid of you suing if they are not severe, but don’t feel terrible. He acted inappropriately.

He may have had other instances of this in the past with junior colleagues so that might be the reason for the speedy reaction.