Management might fire him because of me - I feel awful

[Bottlesofrumonthewall]

I’m looking for some perspective.
A professional relationship I had gradually became quite friendly and informal, and what worried me was the direction it seemed to be heading in rather than any single incident. Very personal information about their marriage was being shared, and there were suggestions of spending time together in ways that went beyond a professional relationship.
I casually mentioned it, and it’s now being taken seriously and is out of my hands. A staff member doesn’t want me to see this person anymore and have escalated it to management who will consider firing them for professional misconduct when we come back to work.
What I’m struggling with now is guilt and a strong sense that I’ve betrayed the person. They’ve been going through a lot, work constantly and don’t seem to have much time or space to talk to anyone else. Part of me wishes I hadn’t said anything at all.
I feel such shame.

I can't really work out who has crossed a line here. Co-workers that feel they have friends in work sometimes do talk about problems in their life (that is acceptable, although the "my wife does not understand me" is a hard one to decipher if there is a further motive). Co-workers do not generally ask each other out on an individual basis (but shared moaning about work is cathartic, and often OK, and I have been out with many a colleague where this works well). Telling another about a colleague's "approach" is going to be difficult. The upshot is, was it inappropriate or not ? The "another" can also read it differently to how it actually was, they report it, then it is out of your hands, but I am pretty certain that they won't just sack a person based on some conversation, you will be re-involved at some point I would hope, neither will they let him off the hook if he WAS inappropriate. I hope you get sorted, it is a difficult lesson to learn if all was fairly innocent. x

It was obviously making you uncomfortable to mention it to your colleague in the first place. So just remind yourself of that. He knows the rules and took the risk.

Worth reflecting how you engaged throughout the chats though if you're struggling with guilt or feeling like you inadvertently encouraged it. Not to punish yourself but to learn from if you ever find yourself in a similar position in future.

So all he's actually suggested is that you 'go out together'?

Regardless of his intentions, it's extremely unlikely that a company would take any meaningful disciplinary action over this alone.

They will almost certainly want to hear your side.

If you were to tell them that this was all a big mistake, that you took his platonic social invitation the wrong way and did a poor job of explaining it to your colleague, thereby giving them the wrong impression, I imagine he'll just be reminded of their expectations around social boundaries.

If you were to tell them that he was clearly implying some sort of extra-marital romantic/sexual encounter, or that your relationship was developing into something you weren't entirely comfortable with, that's a different story.

The most important question is this: Whether you tell them the truth, a little white lie or a full blown whopper, are you doing so of your absolute own free will, or because you feel indirectly pressured/outright compelled to because of his seniority/how it will affect his position?

What outcome are you hoping for?

Its not your fault. Chances are that this guy knew what he was doing. Management could have seen the situation clearer than you based on their experiences with him. Just go with it IMO.

Suspicious lack of real information here.

Is no one allowed to be fully grown adults anymore? What actual policies were being broken?

Problem is he will say all he was doing was chatting. He’ll deny any intention of doing anything inappropriate. If I were you I’d be more concerned that this is going to go downhill for you. He won’t get sacked, you will still have to work there and he’s more senior than you. My advice is start job hunting.

Are we turning American and banning workplace relationships, or even (clumsy) attempts to start one?

I'm not condoning affairs, obviously, but when did work become morality police?

Well, yes, you should have been aware of something so fundamental to your terms of employment. Have you signed to say that you have read a document that you actually didn't bother to read? Or were you not given the document to read?
If you are a union member my strong advice is to let them know ASAP. Otherwise you could find that you are left carrying the can, when really it should be the senior colleague's responsibility to ensure that policy is followed to the letter.

A line hasn’t actually been crossed here. It seems by disclosing to someone they have decided for themselves that it has. However, they’ve done you a good turn as it now stops here.

He’s only talked to you, FFS.

So a man senior to you in the company has been confiding in you ) usual spiel about an unhappy marriage) and made suggestion to go out. This made you feel uncomfortable, enough that you went to a colleague for advice.

If I have this correct, you haven’t done anything wrong. Everyone saying you have tarnished your reputation is why predatory men get away with it for so long, anyone raising concerns is also tarnished!

Given your colleagues swift (and correct) response, they could instantly see you were being placed in an inappropriate position (and possibly not the first time given how swift the response had been).

You won’t be the first person to fall for the whole ‘my marriage is terrible and my wife doesn’t understand me’ line.

Hold your head up high and know you did nothing to encourage him and confided in someone as soon as you felt it was crossing a line.

I also suspect the colleague acted so quickly and seriously because this person has a history of inappropriate behaviour.

For everyone moaning about morality police, when you work in a very hierarchical sector where women have been consistently taken advantage of, these kinds of rules are sadly necessary. In my sector (academia) there is no way a senior scholar should be sharing personal problems with say a postdoc, they would not get sacked probably unless it was repeated behaviour, but I can see in other sectors how its even more serious.

so you made friends with him and that's against policy? unless you're missing something out o don't see what he did wrong?
if he mentioned meeting up outside of work, surely that's allowed as friends and surely you know how to say actually I don't think that's a good idea.
you decided he fancied you, told it to someone else in sich a way it made it sound like he'd made a pass at you, and now he's at risk of losing his job so even less chance of leaving the abusive relationship.
you need to speak to HR and clear this mess up.

News headline, “married man in position of management cosies up to more subordinate, younger?, woman in his office. Tells her his marriage is abusive/ don’t sleep together/ one of convenience (unbeknown to his wife and DC). Starts emotional affair with office colleague, goes out for dinner, shares texts, then starts an affair”.

I’m glad his company have morals and have a zero tolerance policy to office liaisons.

Ultimately it sounds like this would have ended up with some people (his wife and kids) having their lives destroyed.

No sympathy for him.

As he actually hasn’t done anything that could be seen as inappropriate I would not worry about his job.
if I was you I would be worrying about your own job

I don’t think we have got the full picture here. People are being quite harsh on OP but she says that because of their relative hierarchical positions there were very different expectations and implications for the other person compared with her.

So it sounds like this kind of informal confidante relationship wouldnt have been a huge issue between her and someone in a similar position/status - but was because of the other person’s role or other power dynamic issues.

This is hard to understand without context - but explains why OP has been a bit blindsided but what happened when she asked for some informal advice

Is he your line manager or in your line management chain, OP? If so, or even if you work with him, then it's quite wrong of him to make you his confidante about his marriage troubles, and he should have known that. I think you have done the right thing.

Someone considerably senior to you has abused his position of authority over you. He's pulled that old stunt of 'my marriage is in trouble, my wife doesn't understand me, you're the only person I can talk to' rubbish.
Basically he fancied a bit on the side and has been chatting you up.
You felt uncomfortable about it and didn't know how to put him off.

And you can't understand why your colleague stepped in and reported him for sexual harassment in the workplace? None of this is your fault.

firstly he’s been an idiot for confiding in you about his marriage either as a friend or as a way of potentially lining you up as a date if company policy is that strict. That was always going to bite him.

secondly, You seem to have decided he 100% fancies you, what’s the evidence for this? Apart from talking about his marriage and potentially going out for some unspecified social interaction?

is he your manager or in your chain of line management? If he is the senior person he is, in my view, slightly more responsible for knowing the rules, especially if you are still very junior. Ultimately his requests for a closer friendship made you uncomfortable; it was right of you to seek advice and right of the other person to escalate it, and if it is still all just a vibe at this stage, unlikely that he will lose his job. If he keeps his distance more in the future, that is a good thing

You seem to have decided it's your fault that you didn't know the rules and didn't keep this senior person on the straight and narrow. That's entirely on him, both to know what is and isn't allowed and to keep within it. And if he is in an abusive relationship, then perhaps this coming to work's attention will allow them to recommend some help for him. That was never your problem to solve. I do agree with job hunting though as then you'll have distance from him and a clean slate.

‘My wife doesn’t understand me’. ‘My wife just doesn’t get me like you do’. ‘She doesn’t let me do x or y’ (maybe she suspects him
of cheating).

Bet he’s a serial shagger. His hook up lines seem to have the patter of a ‘ten a penny’ married cheat.

If I give The Cheat the benefit of the doubt and he’s a downtrodden husband who is misunderstood - dragging a work colleague into his marriage will never fix it. And if she’s abusive why put you at risk? Or him further at risk? How would meeting you out of work fix his marriage or help him in any way? Of all the people in his life his best option was a colleague he hasn’t known too long? He has no one else at all more suitable?

His best choice would be to ‘talk to his wife with a counsellor present’. Would he be capable of organising that? Would he be capable of initiating a divorce if unhappy?

He sounds like a common garden cheat. Maybe your colleague has heard previous rumours. Maybe your colleague is after his job (another reason to play by the rules as now it may be up for grabs).

The evidence suggests that Mr Cheat doesn’t play by the rules at work so I am guessing he also doesn’t play by the rules at home.

We had a serial shagger some years back but he was smart enough to avoid his direct management line. So he got round the rules. It was still cringeworthy.

In fact if anyone mentions it at work - you could say that say you discussed with a colleague as you were worried about him being abused. You know men often don’t report abuse at home and you wanted him to get assistance.

Did you have physical contact with this man, OP,
or an attempt to try (did he try to kiss you?).