Hi All,
I don't even know where to start...I'm completely drained and exhausted. We both are. I'm so confused, I can't even think straight or articulate in writing what I want to here clearly. How do heal from someone who is emotionally selfish/immature and gaslights the hell out of you but claims how much she loves you all the time and appears all soft and warm to quickly cold and sharp and explosive..."Lovey dovey" nature showering me with compliments. Feels infantile where she has painted picture of what our relationship should look and feel like during the whole 2 years together.
Essentially, I've been in 2 year relationship with afghan Muslim which has been emotional rollercoaster of constant up and downs. She gets easily stressed out and blames me for all the power struggles and issues between us, her own stress, whatever the event or situation, I get critcised if do or if don't.
She has constantly love bombed me to death with admiration and adoration to point its over the top ans anytime ive tried to calmly set a boundary I get blamed for "giving her stress". Ive tried to do everything to make life easier for her and help her out but I realised that it is futile.
To put long story short, I love her dearly and told her how much she is hurting both of us and all I want is accountability of her being aware of how her inability to self regulate. I get emotional outbursts and fits of rages at me where anything I do or say even very minor to most people will get twisted or manipulated against me. She doesn’t like to communicate much and has reminded me she shouldn't need to. Whereas I've stated that at the core and foundation of any healthy functioning relationship is not constant communication but effective communication.
I've tried my absolute best to address things, be accountable for my own behaviour but today she has just layed into me due to her being stressed out by me. It's constant them, she blames everyone and anything she can possible attribute her stresses on as excuse to avoid ever taking ownership or accountability. She'll twist and manipulate everything and i mean everuthing that happens no mattter the sirustion. Trouble is i care deeply and it matters to me. I've tried every possible way to get her to understand things could better if she just slowed down. I've tried all sorts but she just screams or shutdowns and deflects everytbing back onto me as a punchbag.
She is due to go with me to my parents and then see my sister on boxing day as we've been invited for dinner now she wants to cancels plans after I admitted i spoke to my Mum yesterday on phone whilst was walking around Bristol whilst she was having her last microneedling appointment.
I feel like I have nothing more to give. In an incessant rage fit of admitted I spoke to my Mum, she started just vehemently accusing me of all sorts and often a pattern of here we go where i just get criticised. It hurts and cuts so much because i care about her profoundly and have let go lot of stuff in 2 yeara that ive endured. I know I cant expect any different but I've never experienced a relationship like this before. After having a fairly stable secure relationship with my ex where we broke up because of my own mistakes, this has been something after previously got therapy and attended several things by myself on my own quiet journey I never envisaged. I ignored all red flags because I truly believe she loves me.
All ever want is for her to be accountable for impact of her of her own spiralling complusive need for control and frantical nature where she gets quickly emotional in very cold, stern, almost hateful stern manner cut through yelling tone for someone who is usually repressed and subdued in her nature and comes across as soft. It's very mean as as a empath, intuitive and self aware person, I feel and see everything. I pick up and I am very sensitive in subtle nuances of change of tone, mood, noise, light, environments, I can often anticipate and noticed these shifts before anyone else notices. She never picks up. I don't want to be too critical or biased here but I do think I am dealing with covert Narcissist who just never wants to be seen to be contradicted, disagreed with or point out or handle any criticism. Im sensitive guy but i dont become quickly irate and impossible to talk to even when im stressed, I can still sort of have capacity to be kind and talk in a way that isnt rude or disrespectful. Where she has this aura and presence of being soft and charming to others. This is first time where living at hers we've sat in silence all day
I had to go dor a walk earlier to get away from it and even that I get used against me for giving myself space. I communicated it clearly. Im not one of guys who just withdrawa or go salient. She is just completely absent minded. Every conflict or tension between us where it erupts quite rapidly and where she has a meltdown, she blames me for "fucling her mood, im stressing her out" in very flippant manner even for just suggesting or pointing out something. This isnt a one off. Nothing i do even or say even when trying to uplift her, even when shes not stressed out with things becomes this uncessary drama because she just feels I'm criticising her or questioning her. Even though I know my reality. The very things I say or do are constantly subtle undermining me in dispiriting way and I continue to let her get away with it. I've given everything emotionally to her, if I do more I'm at fault and basically responsible for how she feels and screamed at me incessantly load of really nasty upsetting things I just had to walk away from.
Mores, it's got to point its affecting my mental health. Ive been signed off work since last month due to combination of unpleasant experience at work where made a simple error which didn't have any effect and explained what was needed to remediate it but was sworn at indirectly by my boss and it was made into whole media circus where was made a scapegoat of instead of supported and the stress of this relationship. i immediately on that day submitted a form to GP and within 15mins, I got appointment over phone with a great female GP. when she rang bsck I could barely expressed myself to point I couldn't hold back the years and broke down as my voice crumbled from anxiety and distress. Im very caring and honest guy, I know my flaws and take responsible for sorting out my issues but had tendency to attract other anxious attachment types because maybe its reflection of my own self worth which I know need to work on. But at the same time, im steely committed, loyal, honest, sensitive and strong and deeply compassionate where feel all my qualities as person that anyone would admire has been deeply taken advantage. I've tried to be bedrock and support for my partner but she keeps deatrpying and twaring at the very fabric I'm tryinf to build. She is also going through stressful time with insolvency of her solicitors for land registry of her mortgage but if you listened to way she spoke to people on end at the phone even if it isnt her fault she is very aggressive intense and demanding. She keeps telling everyone how stress she is. But before any of this happened, her behaviour has been constsnt pattern, any slight inconvenience or trivial issue gets magnified tenfold that if she let go of her needfor control i can handle. Ive proven myself to her by own admission of all planning I've done in the experiences and trips holidays and car finance, sourcing jer car for when she passed her test, teaching her things but any slight indigination she reminds me of all where I've failed to basically make her feel good. I'm very affectionate, she is too but then she takes tjat away at me and anytime ive troed to express basic bounfary of where ive not liked something not in critical way but calm way it's left me feeling eeeling confused, gaslit as burning furnace to point my cns is totally blazed that I'm legt questioning how even happened even though i know what i said. I know my reality. After today she's now manipulated the whole situation and says she's not coming back to my parents because shes paranoid about me having spoken to my Mum yesterday even thoufh my parents have their own problems and don't actually think anything bad of her because they are so wrapped up with their own stresses, they actually get on well with her and reassure her. She often says things are all in my mind to me but she basically today torn away anytbing that was left good in relationship by minimising and diminishing my need to want to settle back into work in new year after being signed off before moving in. We were planning to move in together but she has destroyed any excitement and hope of that. It hurts so bad as I know she cares deep down about me and do her but her immaturity and inability to be accountable for anything and make our problems my fault. She's never own up to anything
I just want some advice on how I now rebuild and heal from this. It's gonna hurt. I feel on edge and become a shadow of myself that completely lost myself in this relationship trying to make it work. It's not a failure i know but want some advice on how can stop attracting this in future. My concern is at age of 36 that this will leave lot of trauma for many years that I will find it hard to trust any woman again not to twoe advantage and emotionally manipulative me and also weaponised intimacy and sex. I don't want this to be the last relationship I ever have as I know my worth, who I am and what I want from healthy functioning respectful and meaningful commitment. Being alone ive tried it before it sucks. Nothing good comes out of it. We're social animals. We're stronger better together