How do I heal from emotionally selfish immature female covert Narcissist? They're supposed to come with me to my parents and sisters over Christmas and Boxing day.

[DrSpongey]

Hi All,

I don't even know where to start...I'm completely drained and exhausted. We both are. I'm so confused, I can't even think straight or articulate in writing what I want to here clearly. How do heal from someone who is emotionally selfish/immature and gaslights the hell out of you but claims how much she loves you all the time and appears all soft and warm to quickly cold and sharp and explosive..."Lovey dovey" nature showering me with compliments. Feels infantile where she has painted picture of what our relationship should look and feel like during the whole 2 years together.

Essentially, I've been in 2 year relationship with afghan Muslim which has been emotional rollercoaster of constant up and downs. She gets easily stressed out and blames me for all the power struggles and issues between us, her own stress, whatever the event or situation, I get critcised if do or if don't.

She has constantly love bombed me to death with admiration and adoration to point its over the top ans anytime ive tried to calmly set a boundary I get blamed for "giving her stress". Ive tried to do everything to make life easier for her and help her out but I realised that it is futile.

To put long story short, I love her dearly and told her how much she is hurting both of us and all I want is accountability of her being aware of how her inability to self regulate. I get emotional outbursts and fits of rages at me where anything I do or say even very minor to most people will get twisted or manipulated against me. She doesn’t like to communicate much and has reminded me she shouldn't need to. Whereas I've stated that at the core and foundation of any healthy functioning relationship is not constant communication but effective communication.

I've tried my absolute best to address things, be accountable for my own behaviour but today she has just layed into me due to her being stressed out by me. It's constant them, she blames everyone and anything she can possible attribute her stresses on as excuse to avoid ever taking ownership or accountability. She'll twist and manipulate everything and i mean everuthing that happens no mattter the sirustion. Trouble is i care deeply and it matters to me. I've tried every possible way to get her to understand things could better if she just slowed down. I've tried all sorts but she just screams or shutdowns and deflects everytbing back onto me as a punchbag.

She is due to go with me to my parents and then see my sister on boxing day as we've been invited for dinner now she wants to cancels plans after I admitted i spoke to my Mum yesterday on phone whilst was walking around Bristol whilst she was having her last microneedling appointment.

I feel like I have nothing more to give. In an incessant rage fit of admitted I spoke to my Mum, she started just vehemently accusing me of all sorts and often a pattern of here we go where i just get criticised. It hurts and cuts so much because i care about her profoundly and have let go lot of stuff in 2 yeara that ive endured. I know I cant expect any different but I've never experienced a relationship like this before. After having a fairly stable secure relationship with my ex where we broke up because of my own mistakes, this has been something after previously got therapy and attended several things by myself on my own quiet journey I never envisaged. I ignored all red flags because I truly believe she loves me.

All ever want is for her to be accountable for impact of her of her own spiralling complusive need for control and frantical nature where she gets quickly emotional in very cold, stern, almost hateful stern manner cut through yelling tone for someone who is usually repressed and subdued in her nature and comes across as soft. It's very mean as as a empath, intuitive and self aware person, I feel and see everything. I pick up and I am very sensitive in subtle nuances of change of tone, mood, noise, light, environments, I can often anticipate and noticed these shifts before anyone else notices. She never picks up. I don't want to be too critical or biased here but I do think I am dealing with covert Narcissist who just never wants to be seen to be contradicted, disagreed with or point out or handle any criticism. Im sensitive guy but i dont become quickly irate and impossible to talk to even when im stressed, I can still sort of have capacity to be kind and talk in a way that isnt rude or disrespectful. Where she has this aura and presence of being soft and charming to others. This is first time where living at hers we've sat in silence all day
I had to go dor a walk earlier to get away from it and even that I get used against me for giving myself space. I communicated it clearly. Im not one of guys who just withdrawa or go salient. She is just completely absent minded. Every conflict or tension between us where it erupts quite rapidly and where she has a meltdown, she blames me for "fucling her mood, im stressing her out" in very flippant manner even for just suggesting or pointing out something. This isnt a one off. Nothing i do even or say even when trying to uplift her, even when shes not stressed out with things becomes this uncessary drama because she just feels I'm criticising her or questioning her. Even though I know my reality. The very things I say or do are constantly subtle undermining me in dispiriting way and I continue to let her get away with it. I've given everything emotionally to her, if I do more I'm at fault and basically responsible for how she feels and screamed at me incessantly load of really nasty upsetting things I just had to walk away from.

Mores, it's got to point its affecting my mental health. Ive been signed off work since last month due to combination of unpleasant experience at work where made a simple error which didn't have any effect and explained what was needed to remediate it but was sworn at indirectly by my boss and it was made into whole media circus where was made a scapegoat of instead of supported and the stress of this relationship. i immediately on that day submitted a form to GP and within 15mins, I got appointment over phone with a great female GP. when she rang bsck I could barely expressed myself to point I couldn't hold back the years and broke down as my voice crumbled from anxiety and distress. Im very caring and honest guy, I know my flaws and take responsible for sorting out my issues but had tendency to attract other anxious attachment types because maybe its reflection of my own self worth which I know need to work on. But at the same time, im steely committed, loyal, honest, sensitive and strong and deeply compassionate where feel all my qualities as person that anyone would admire has been deeply taken advantage. I've tried to be bedrock and support for my partner but she keeps deatrpying and twaring at the very fabric I'm tryinf to build. She is also going through stressful time with insolvency of her solicitors for land registry of her mortgage but if you listened to way she spoke to people on end at the phone even if it isnt her fault she is very aggressive intense and demanding. She keeps telling everyone how stress she is. But before any of this happened, her behaviour has been constsnt pattern, any slight inconvenience or trivial issue gets magnified tenfold that if she let go of her needfor control i can handle. Ive proven myself to her by own admission of all planning I've done in the experiences and trips holidays and car finance, sourcing jer car for when she passed her test, teaching her things but any slight indigination she reminds me of all where I've failed to basically make her feel good. I'm very affectionate, she is too but then she takes tjat away at me and anytime ive troed to express basic bounfary of where ive not liked something not in critical way but calm way it's left me feeling eeeling confused, gaslit as burning furnace to point my cns is totally blazed that I'm legt questioning how even happened even though i know what i said. I know my reality. After today she's now manipulated the whole situation and says she's not coming back to my parents because shes paranoid about me having spoken to my Mum yesterday even thoufh my parents have their own problems and don't actually think anything bad of her because they are so wrapped up with their own stresses, they actually get on well with her and reassure her. She often says things are all in my mind to me but she basically today torn away anytbing that was left good in relationship by minimising and diminishing my need to want to settle back into work in new year after being signed off before moving in. We were planning to move in together but she has destroyed any excitement and hope of that. It hurts so bad as I know she cares deep down about me and do her but her immaturity and inability to be accountable for anything and make our problems my fault. She's never own up to anything

I just want some advice on how I now rebuild and heal from this. It's gonna hurt. I feel on edge and become a shadow of myself that completely lost myself in this relationship trying to make it work. It's not a failure i know but want some advice on how can stop attracting this in future. My concern is at age of 36 that this will leave lot of trauma for many years that I will find it hard to trust any woman again not to twoe advantage and emotionally manipulative me and also weaponised intimacy and sex. I don't want this to be the last relationship I ever have as I know my worth, who I am and what I want from healthy functioning respectful and meaningful commitment. Being alone ive tried it before it sucks. Nothing good comes out of it. We're social animals. We're stronger better together

When you say that someone is a "common or garden" XYZ, it means they're a typical example of XYZ - nothing special.

In this case, she's a typical emotional abuser and coercive controller.

It sounds like you don't live together, so that will make things easier. Rather than start worrying now about how you will heal and go forward in the future, I would suggest just concentrating on "what's the NEXT thing I need to do?"

And I would suggest the next thing is so send her a short message saying the relationship isn't working for you, all the best, goodbye, then block. Don't talk about her behaviour, don't say "it's been fun" or "I still love you" or "I wish it had worked" - that gives her a way to get back in and start manipulating you and brow beating you back into her victim.

Tell your parents what has happened. Ask for their support.

Sort out getting free first, then look into your options for healing after. You can't heal from an abusive relationship you're still in.

Could not read everything but saw enough to know she is not going to change no matter how much effort you make to please her. It does sound like a personality disorder, you have the privilege of being able to walk away ( unlike her biological family). You say we are social animals and meant to be around others, I would agree but that animal is a hyena who will devour you.

It takes two to tango of course in any relationship. You claim she's emotional abuser and coercive. I would love everyone to hear her side and then comment to avoid any bias. I'm not if i am just prone to it by enabling and allowing it so therefore I am weak by allowingher to spin a narrative to make me also delusional - a bit like stockholm syndrome.

I also know she isn't terrible person injust thinks she lacks the emotional maturity and so it manifestsin worse way. Does that make her what I'm purporting here? How do avoid attracting this type is what I mean so I can work on my own responsibility in having made decision to allow to go on for so long.

Each time, she comes across soft minded hearted but just struggles to self regulate and that's when worse comes out of her. She is often a people pleaser then gets frustrated and irritable when people don't receicopcrate. I hear her repeat herself daily telling me same frustrations with things people's, where she is in her job, but doesn't nothing to help herself, just wants me to to take pity where I've worked in my own growth in my fitness journey and showed resilence determination and commitment. I also have my own challenges with work stress but I'm working on to create something. I try to get her to understand we can all listen but only we can take responsibility for own actions, emotions, we can support and encourage but not to point it becomes a burden to upheavel.

I have also not been great at times in part to my continual pursuits of reaching out for emotional support and availability where I feel always overly been concerned in supporting her, but frustrations of where I'm just wanting the same level.

Ultimately ended compromising on my own needs a lot to point I've never really had a proper sexual relationship that would be considered normal compared with my previous experience of being in long term relationship. Ive been made to be "demanding" for wanting what I think would be considered normal functioning healthy sexual relationship.

Everything has felt a burden of responsibility to fix whether its our sex life or communication issues. I tell her we have responsibility to each other not to fix each others issues, to be moral support but not at expense of the relationship with one being weighted more than other. She often talks about me being transactional as a throwaway for wanting to be fair and reasonable not expectation I should just continue to do more or based on predefined gender roles. Yet irony is for what considered important in relationship, what actually matters is values of effective continued communication, trust and respect, accountability and emotional maturity, acceptance, tenderness, warm, considerate and thoughtful for allowing space for each to just be, building each other up and not just being a doormat dont think that makes her emotional abuser just lack of accountability or not a know how. I just think her lack of experience of any romantic or intimate relationship of any kind has made her blissfully unaware because she was focused on her career. Honestly, I think she is very intellectual smart otherwise she wouldnt jave achieved 2jat she has professionally but emotionally she's carrying this wound of people pleaser where maybe she's never been able to express how she feels in sincere and transparent way. It was never a safe place for her perhaps so that might be explaining her behaviour. Whereas I in part have experience of long term relationship prior. Im interested to know what makes her coercive and emotional abuser if she is that delusional and has personality disorder she may not even have the emotional capacity to realise how or what she is doing. It's something in her thinking that she hasn't been taught?

Is it that she could be good caring person with good intentions and in best bits I've witnessed but hasn't had experience or wired to think in a way that makes sense dues to lack of maturity, emotional suppression through maybe a childhood wound of growing up in challenging environment and difficult experiences she has faced which she has had to overcome or is she simple a covert and not as nice, charming sweet and endearing as perhaps I saw on the surface and what everyone else sees. Its funny how much she claims how nice she is to everyone but then has repeated herself to me on daily basis swearing and cussing about other people are work trying to hold her back and this while entitled attitude of her questioning why someone else got promotion and how theyre not educated, how her boss has agenda against her. She always looks for excuses and unfortunately as sweet thoughtful and kind she can be, it's her lack of awareness or ability to just be kind to the person in moments that matter the most (not the easy parts) that has eroded at me and fabric of our relationship.

It's hurt she doesn't see me hurting. But I've always comforted her and done so much. I get accused of things shes doing to me.

I told her tonight no matter the stress, whether you think I'm the cause, irrespective of whether with you or not, you made feel a relief but it doesn't matter the person this will still manifest and be problem with other people if you can't self regulate. I've grown up with dysfunctional parents who are flippant and regulate their own emotions so know what it's like.

I think need a good therapist to help me address lot of my childhood wound, experiences and find out what and why is it that is causing me to allow people to take advantage of good nature. Ive never once played victim but do actually feel a victim and drained by it all. I deserve better. I don't usually say that about myself. I've always ended up accomodating myself to make others happy but never managed to attract what I truly value as aforementioned in a relationship. The ones who are level headed, emotionally mature, accountable but firm and fair with me and actually want to grow with me on journey whilst it'll be hard but lot fun rather than just a bottom feeder. Seems all of those are powerful woman who know their worth which are probably out of reach for me because all good ones are married or are at different stages of their lives. All want is respect accountability like I do and not to be dragged down by constant beration and negativity

I'm not sure if I'm Neurodivergent.

I did happen to do a online test a month ago or so with something I saw pop up out of curiosity rather than seeking with intent to find out or not.

I took it with a pinch of salt, I think I was 18 out of 25 or whatever the scale was for the benchmark. Wasn't actual diagnosis.

It was more purported towards a test of showing symptoms of Neurodivergent for the benefit of employers of how best to support and make adjustments if you are.

I don't think I'm totally ND, never really associated myself with any label. I'm critical thinker with penchant for analysis of understanding human behaviour. I don't necessarily think that makes me Neurodivergent. Just more sensitive to others behaviour probably because of my upbringing and environment. I'm more accustomed and attuned than perhaps most people give thought to because most are self contained with their own lives and don't really give too much consideration to self reflect. There's always someone or something else to blame rather than looking inward I find.

I skim read that but didn’t read anything good.

Why are you carrying on with the relationship?

@DrSpongey the level of analysis and the interest in human nature at the level you are displaying here really are beyond “typical” level towards special interest level. This is obviously a significant plus in your current situation as I suspect you will easily be able to research the situation you are in and come to a degree of understanding and clarity about what you are dealing with.

If you do a bit more looking into you can research why ND individuals are very susceptible to narcissistic individuals and their tendencies.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/the-neurodivergent-therapist/202501/neurodivergent-people-and-narcissists

You've been in a relationship for 2 years, she's not your MIL. This is all far too intense OP. Let your boyfriend deal with her.

Op no matter what she’s doing your update about the taxi- life is not there to be analysed so much. You both need to break up and you need to tell your brain to slow down and stop. All the names and labels for everything- just break up and try and find peace in the everyday

You don't like her. At all. In fact, you really seem to hate her. So why are you still in the relationship?

All the stuff about narcissism, etc., is irrelevant.

'Common or garden' is just a way of saying 'normal/ regular '. Sounds like English is not your first language?

It's not supposed to be like this. Just two sentences in and you sound like someone begging for freedom.

You aren't locked in a room. Write the whole thing off to experience, any costs as sunk costs, and just message her to say its over, not to contact you again. Then block her. Suggest you go and stay with a family member or friend who can see how destructive it has been.

You also need to seek help on why you think you had to put up with any of that shit. The freedom program ?

Stop trying to psychoanalyse her and dump her. Just cut her loose, break up now. It’s never going to work and she’s not going to change. Have a separate Christmas - best gift you can give yourself - being single.

Are you reading a different post?
There is no Mil or boyfriend.

End things with her now. You are just torturing yourself and you will never fix her no matter how hard you try. Spend a peaceful Christmas with your parents, seek their support but don't burden them with over analysis of this womans abusive behaviour, use the time to rest and recharge. Then please see a counsellor to help you unpick why you have allowed yourself to be treated so badly.

Your posts are way too long. Your title says you want to ‘recover’ from this relationship: first you need to get out of it and cease all contact.

Do you live together? If not, disinvite her from visiting your parents, get the key back to your place if she has one, and split up.

If you live together you could disinvite her and say you need a ‘time out’ and still go alone, unless you think there is risk she could damage your things. Get ducks in a row to get out,

Being off sick from work is a big risk for you financially: seek help for your mental health and prioritise getting back to work. Whatever work have done wrong it’s better to be in work.

I know my worth, who I am and what I want from healthy functioning respectful and meaningful commitment.

I would have to disagree with this statement and exhibit A would be the relationship you are currently in.

Being alone ive tried it before it sucks. Nothing good comes out of it. We're social animals. We're stronger better together.

How is the ‘We're stronger better together’ working out for you? It’s probably this sentiment that has kept you in your abusive relationship.

It’s time you bridged the disconnect between who you think you are/ want to be and who you actually are.

How do I heal from emotionally selfish immature female covert Narcissist?

In answer to your question, you break up with them and you do the work on yourself to make you less susceptible to whatever it was that made you ignore the numerous red flags.

You can’t change other people but you can sure as hell change yourself but you first need to acknowledge that you have to change.

Didn’t even read half of that. Happy relationships don’t require this level of dissection.

Just leave her. It’s so so so simple, and when you look back you’ll be amazed at how easy it was in reality. You just can’t see it now because, well, she’s a massive cunt.

for two years I've been in a relationship with Afghan Muslim

Second paragraph.

@spottybaghottyhag - yes,.her female partner of two yrs is an Afghan Muslim.. She hasn't met her partner parents and doesn't have a boyfriend..

Read up on BPD on dump her

You sound hard work and write long essays with poor spelling and grammar . Life should be fun leave her and get out and have some fun

OP

re your comment

"I think need a good therapist to help me address lot of my childhood wound, experiences and find out what and why is it that is causing me to allow people to take advantage of good nature".

Absolutely but interview each person carefully and at length before choosing one to work with. I would also read up on people pleasing in the meantime too. This often comes about from wanting to parent please a dysfunctional parent/s.

OP I notice you write very long posts explaining/ justifying her behaviour “ she struggles to self regulate “ comes up more than once. Have you heard of “ the fallacy of sunken costs” ie you don’t want to walk away from something you have invested time/ money/ emotions/ hope in because at that point you have to accept those things have been wasted. However if you carry on in this relationship, you will waste even more effort. You can’t fix this. There’s a lot of combined experience of life from the posters in here and it’s pretty unanimous, you need to walk away. And ideally get some good quality counselling to understand why you have accepted to be in such an abusive interaction with another person. Speaking for everyone in here, we wish you well.

Is this not a guy posting about his girlfriend? I’m nearly certain it is. @DrSpongey this confusion is because your posts are way too long and people are losing interest as they read through.