How do I heal from emotionally selfish immature female covert Narcissist? They're supposed to come with me to my parents and sisters over Christmas and Boxing day.

[DrSpongey]

Hi All,

I don't even know where to start...I'm completely drained and exhausted. We both are. I'm so confused, I can't even think straight or articulate in writing what I want to here clearly. How do heal from someone who is emotionally selfish/immature and gaslights the hell out of you but claims how much she loves you all the time and appears all soft and warm to quickly cold and sharp and explosive..."Lovey dovey" nature showering me with compliments. Feels infantile where she has painted picture of what our relationship should look and feel like during the whole 2 years together.

Essentially, I've been in 2 year relationship with afghan Muslim which has been emotional rollercoaster of constant up and downs. She gets easily stressed out and blames me for all the power struggles and issues between us, her own stress, whatever the event or situation, I get critcised if do or if don't.

She has constantly love bombed me to death with admiration and adoration to point its over the top ans anytime ive tried to calmly set a boundary I get blamed for "giving her stress". Ive tried to do everything to make life easier for her and help her out but I realised that it is futile.

To put long story short, I love her dearly and told her how much she is hurting both of us and all I want is accountability of her being aware of how her inability to self regulate. I get emotional outbursts and fits of rages at me where anything I do or say even very minor to most people will get twisted or manipulated against me. She doesn’t like to communicate much and has reminded me she shouldn't need to. Whereas I've stated that at the core and foundation of any healthy functioning relationship is not constant communication but effective communication.

I've tried my absolute best to address things, be accountable for my own behaviour but today she has just layed into me due to her being stressed out by me. It's constant them, she blames everyone and anything she can possible attribute her stresses on as excuse to avoid ever taking ownership or accountability. She'll twist and manipulate everything and i mean everuthing that happens no mattter the sirustion. Trouble is i care deeply and it matters to me. I've tried every possible way to get her to understand things could better if she just slowed down. I've tried all sorts but she just screams or shutdowns and deflects everytbing back onto me as a punchbag.

She is due to go with me to my parents and then see my sister on boxing day as we've been invited for dinner now she wants to cancels plans after I admitted i spoke to my Mum yesterday on phone whilst was walking around Bristol whilst she was having her last microneedling appointment.

I feel like I have nothing more to give. In an incessant rage fit of admitted I spoke to my Mum, she started just vehemently accusing me of all sorts and often a pattern of here we go where i just get criticised. It hurts and cuts so much because i care about her profoundly and have let go lot of stuff in 2 yeara that ive endured. I know I cant expect any different but I've never experienced a relationship like this before. After having a fairly stable secure relationship with my ex where we broke up because of my own mistakes, this has been something after previously got therapy and attended several things by myself on my own quiet journey I never envisaged. I ignored all red flags because I truly believe she loves me.

All ever want is for her to be accountable for impact of her of her own spiralling complusive need for control and frantical nature where she gets quickly emotional in very cold, stern, almost hateful stern manner cut through yelling tone for someone who is usually repressed and subdued in her nature and comes across as soft. It's very mean as as a empath, intuitive and self aware person, I feel and see everything. I pick up and I am very sensitive in subtle nuances of change of tone, mood, noise, light, environments, I can often anticipate and noticed these shifts before anyone else notices. She never picks up. I don't want to be too critical or biased here but I do think I am dealing with covert Narcissist who just never wants to be seen to be contradicted, disagreed with or point out or handle any criticism. Im sensitive guy but i dont become quickly irate and impossible to talk to even when im stressed, I can still sort of have capacity to be kind and talk in a way that isnt rude or disrespectful. Where she has this aura and presence of being soft and charming to others. This is first time where living at hers we've sat in silence all day
I had to go dor a walk earlier to get away from it and even that I get used against me for giving myself space. I communicated it clearly. Im not one of guys who just withdrawa or go salient. She is just completely absent minded. Every conflict or tension between us where it erupts quite rapidly and where she has a meltdown, she blames me for "fucling her mood, im stressing her out" in very flippant manner even for just suggesting or pointing out something. This isnt a one off. Nothing i do even or say even when trying to uplift her, even when shes not stressed out with things becomes this uncessary drama because she just feels I'm criticising her or questioning her. Even though I know my reality. The very things I say or do are constantly subtle undermining me in dispiriting way and I continue to let her get away with it. I've given everything emotionally to her, if I do more I'm at fault and basically responsible for how she feels and screamed at me incessantly load of really nasty upsetting things I just had to walk away from.

Mores, it's got to point its affecting my mental health. Ive been signed off work since last month due to combination of unpleasant experience at work where made a simple error which didn't have any effect and explained what was needed to remediate it but was sworn at indirectly by my boss and it was made into whole media circus where was made a scapegoat of instead of supported and the stress of this relationship. i immediately on that day submitted a form to GP and within 15mins, I got appointment over phone with a great female GP. when she rang bsck I could barely expressed myself to point I couldn't hold back the years and broke down as my voice crumbled from anxiety and distress. Im very caring and honest guy, I know my flaws and take responsible for sorting out my issues but had tendency to attract other anxious attachment types because maybe its reflection of my own self worth which I know need to work on. But at the same time, im steely committed, loyal, honest, sensitive and strong and deeply compassionate where feel all my qualities as person that anyone would admire has been deeply taken advantage. I've tried to be bedrock and support for my partner but she keeps deatrpying and twaring at the very fabric I'm tryinf to build. She is also going through stressful time with insolvency of her solicitors for land registry of her mortgage but if you listened to way she spoke to people on end at the phone even if it isnt her fault she is very aggressive intense and demanding. She keeps telling everyone how stress she is. But before any of this happened, her behaviour has been constsnt pattern, any slight inconvenience or trivial issue gets magnified tenfold that if she let go of her needfor control i can handle. Ive proven myself to her by own admission of all planning I've done in the experiences and trips holidays and car finance, sourcing jer car for when she passed her test, teaching her things but any slight indigination she reminds me of all where I've failed to basically make her feel good. I'm very affectionate, she is too but then she takes tjat away at me and anytime ive troed to express basic bounfary of where ive not liked something not in critical way but calm way it's left me feeling eeeling confused, gaslit as burning furnace to point my cns is totally blazed that I'm legt questioning how even happened even though i know what i said. I know my reality. After today she's now manipulated the whole situation and says she's not coming back to my parents because shes paranoid about me having spoken to my Mum yesterday even thoufh my parents have their own problems and don't actually think anything bad of her because they are so wrapped up with their own stresses, they actually get on well with her and reassure her. She often says things are all in my mind to me but she basically today torn away anytbing that was left good in relationship by minimising and diminishing my need to want to settle back into work in new year after being signed off before moving in. We were planning to move in together but she has destroyed any excitement and hope of that. It hurts so bad as I know she cares deep down about me and do her but her immaturity and inability to be accountable for anything and make our problems my fault. She's never own up to anything

I just want some advice on how I now rebuild and heal from this. It's gonna hurt. I feel on edge and become a shadow of myself that completely lost myself in this relationship trying to make it work. It's not a failure i know but want some advice on how can stop attracting this in future. My concern is at age of 36 that this will leave lot of trauma for many years that I will find it hard to trust any woman again not to twoe advantage and emotionally manipulative me and also weaponised intimacy and sex. I don't want this to be the last relationship I ever have as I know my worth, who I am and what I want from healthy functioning respectful and meaningful commitment. Being alone ive tried it before it sucks. Nothing good comes out of it. We're social animals. We're stronger better together

After giving me silent treatment all day and being on phone all afternoon shouting at solicitors. She's put on some YouTube video by Priyanka Chopra, "motivational speech" about people draining energy without saying a word to me.

We both often talk about effects of social media having determent to real relationships and we all can project that onto each other, but now feel shes playing this out loud as passive aggressive way without talking to me.

As I get the message, but she won't step away for minute to even break the habit to point even where help she refuses to help or give herself a minutes rest. This feels like a quiet passing dig at me. She'll deny it and say im taking it personally, but we've both watch and share lot of content about relationship and relationship growth but this isnt helping. I listen to her needs but where is there space for feeling safe and expressing myself. How can she care and love me? I feel ive been used for her fantasy and ideal of me. She always spoke how she had "imaginationships" with people across the world before she met me as her first serious relationship at age 35

I apologise but the posts are extremely long. But from the first few paragraphs, this relationship needs to end.

It's unhealthy and is not bringing either of you happiness.

It's destroying you both.

New year, new start. Just end it.

TL:DR

She's just a common or garden abusive cunt. Uninvite her from Xmas, and tell her you're leaving her to "find her peace" 🙄🙄🙄🙄 - alone.

Seriously. You're being abused. Can your parents help you get free of this awful woman? Before she completes her task of destroying you and leaves your dmpry husk behind.

She doesn't love you OP. She wants to annihilate you. She doesn't understand what love is and she never will.

You can’t take her to Xmas.
Are you ending it? Sorry not clear.

Have a look at Dr Ramani on YouTube. She’s a psychologist specialising in narcissitic
relationships.

but, agree with pp - end it, you can’t fix it.

Ok didn't read this all but

If you believe someone is a covert narcissist and it's not over...then why not?

Like if you actually understand what a narcissist is...I mean if she is one then there's not actually a person in there. Just a vortex intent on draining you to elevate itself. The idea of the person you fell for is nothing more than an idea. So if you genuinely understand what a narcissist is ..and think she is one, maybe don't hang around a moment longer.

I've seen people stay in abusive relationships but most of them don't grasp their partner isn't 'human' in the same way you or I are. At least in terms of anything that makes them human. Kindness, empathy, compassion, sense of self, ability to self actualise without draining others etc ..
They hang around looking for the real person who doesn't exist. But if you know what a narcissist is... I mean, really know... you'd stop wasting your energy pouring into an empty void and just go.

I don't know her so I couldn't say but if you think she is one, pack a bag and boost on outa there!

And one way or another, relationships are supposed to make your life better, happier, easier, safer, brighter etc ..this one...seems to do the opposite. So what's the point?

Do not take her to your parents. Uninvite her today and tell her the relationship is at an end. Then block her on all channels. This abusive relationship will destroy you if it is allowed to continue.

It’s not possible to have a relationship with someone that disordered of thinking.

You will be so much happier without her. Imagine not having to tie your brain in knots trying to make sense of this any more.

I promise, you don't need her. The "lovely" side of her is irrelevant. It's not real. You shouldn't waste any more time trying to make any sense of it, because it's not rational. Free yourself, seriously.

Haha yeah it's complete incoherent mess. Much like inevitable carnage of the disposition I find myself in. My brain is so muddled and fuzzy that can't even make sense myself. I'm shattered. We just came back from Dubai and end of last week which I payed for, for us to have a welcome break and she choose to disrespect the time of the taxis I arranged and imploded at me rather than respecting the efforts I went to arranging and organising everything. We had plenty of time and she her pity tantrums for how she was feeling rather enjoying it. I have to man managed her emotions and got told I lack sympathy or empathy rather than her repeated patterns of behaviour where she doesn't seem to acknowledge how annoying and stressful it is when someone has gone to effort to organising shit. She even criticised me for being " too organised". Each and every angle she is coming at me with doesn't add up. I'm not trying to be difficult, im reasonable person but dont get how someone can be so deluded. All want is respect and to feel like we matter. We generally share same values but her stubbornness and petulant ways and outright refusal to co operate has put end to any conversation where it is fraught with tension. I've tried to comfort her. Ive tried to lead, take on her stress and communicate with her what she needs as well as anticipate but just never seems good enough...I'm so dumbfounded by someone who shows some much admiration but can be so cruel

Dont try to understand a personality disorder- you’ll make yourself mad

Look up Dr Ramani on Youtube, and no you may think this is love, but I would bet my best horse on you being addicted to the chaos of her love bombing.

End it. Its the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

Into the bin with her before she destroys your mental health forever.

Yeah I'm in denial about any hope of making this work. It doesn't mean I don't care and love her profoundly. I just eish i didnt allow myself to get reeled in and become attached. I even said at beginning i appreciate honest when I aired concerns or seek answers to certain questions but she convinced me and reassured me that it would be fine and that I was one questioning too much for wanting basic answers. And that's where abuse started of constant deflection, denial and how I'm problem for seeking or wanting to address answers to basic fundamental serious relationship questions such as family/cultural differences, housing, starting a family etc. We bonded on our love of travel and have travelled a lot and we generally have shared values but its been her reluctant and outright denail to ever want to sit down and discussing things sensibly and her constant need for control belittling me even though she claims she trusts me. Everything she says is walking contradictions. How can both be true where her subtle undermining has torn at the very fabric and her insecurities projecting onto her relationship. She has also weaponised my own insecurities and vulnerability I've opened up to her with against me anytime shes "stressed out". She gave me a warm hug about hour ago after screaming and shouting at me this morning for first wanting to do quick 20min home workout to wake my bidy up whilst she was in shower instesd of making us breakfast. Then it was about me wanting to have and make a different breakfast for myself i even communicated this not in discernable way just I'm gonna have this if that's okay kinda way. We usually do cooking together as our bonding time and make sure everything is always clean. But yet one time i don't do it aftee she laid into me, i get criticsed for that too. Everything feels like a trigger. Since i told her i need to settle back into work before commit to living together because ive been signed off she has been so stressed "everyone and you is fucking me up and my stress". Then what I said about being on phone whislt waited for her in her microneedling appointment yesterday about speaking to my Mum she didnt like me saying I needed to speak to someone about how I've feeling. It sent her into total meltdown and tirade where she then basically screamed and ranted at me incessantly telling me how she's not coming to Christmas Dinner and Ive fucked her mental health. How i dont have it, and long list of stinging swathes of things past and present to my face. I simply said what do you want me to say? Everything is my fault and I'm to blame for all issues in our relationship and she said in spite yes. She was completely untethered, frantical and impossible to listen that walked away and its not often I walk away to go for a walk for hour before I came back and collapsed on the bed.

I'm just sought more advice on how I can heal and repair once the comedown and reality of what this was hits me when I'm by myself once this inevitably ends. Im trying to prepare myself given how drained already I am, how can learn to pick myself snd recover without letting this destroy me too much? I have perseverance but I feel very isolated and alone in who to talk to this about.

I've not spoken to anyone about my relationship apart from two mates who don't know a lot and apart from my parents a little. She didnt like me "gossiping" when even confiding in my Mum here today. She intprets as that
. I've never given her a reason to doubt me or not trust me. I'm fiercely reliable, dependable and often overcompensated and sacrifice my own needs throughout this relationship to almost prove my worth and out of fear from previous relationship where I was at fault from and had it way too easy and ultimately learned from to work on myself to better myself. That was one who got away after five years but never felt or experienced a relationship like this. Abusive one. I lost friend because of her insecurities. She even has stated a few times she wanted to keep our relationship private and has hid me from her family due to her fears around what they may think. The questioning early on was me asking about this for reassurance about us which she said they would love me and told me not to worry. I've only ever met two of her friends briefly and her family she has kept me a secret when she never said at beginning. Did I bring this on myself for my past mistakes, was this a lesson? I dont think I deserve any of this. Ive set out to prove to build something worthwhile but how can someone love you so intensely whilst simultaneously being blind and dismissive at every turn to what is abundantly happening. How can someone who is highly intellectual academic and established career as a lecturer be so emotionally inept but has boastful ego of how she's spoken to thousands of people and how nice and friendly she is. I'm nice but dont go around feeling warranted to justifying it or feeling need to ever boast about anything in life really. I'm more happy go lucky and try to remain pragmatic whilst being hopeful and spirited and silly about things but I feel lost and don't know who I am anymore. I need some guidance on how to heal my childhood wounds I feel so dont ever seek out a relationship like this again but also profoundly scared that this will be my last relationship given my age where being deep analytical thinker I am it will as time goes on affect me. Its already affected my work life. I feel more on edge and anxious. Please can someone recommend apart from maintaining my fitness routine and sport, walks, or general therapy a professional group or community nit just Men's club where I can actively speak with someone where I know will need a community I can rely on so can speak about this so I dont isolate myself. I need support more than ever

Also what's garden abusive cunt? 😅 That's endearing. Love it. Stealing it once I know the context in which it applies

You write long posts because you are trying to make sense of something tha canot be made sense of.

just stop trying. It is impossible, narcs will twist anything and everything. Just stop. You might love her but she is not treating you in. Loving way. So stop letting her do that and stop trying to understand her motivation. Go and watch some Dr Ramani instead, it’d be a lot more useful way to spend time

A quick Google search for personality disorder to get more thorough understanding of this and omg looking at all five of the key characteristics and symptoms gemini has outlined, encapsulates exactly to a tee what I have faced, felt and have experienced. It describes the exact nature. I don't like to categorised or label things or people as there is tendency to everyone prescribing and self diagnose but never have thought it could be personality disorder. More just lack of emotional maturity and emotional selfish where there is complete lack of accountability.

Goodness me, I read only part of your OP and thought aren't relationships supposed to be enjoyable than this? It's sounds more like an endurance test.

Okay thanks or watch Arsenal crash out of the cup 😅. Not sure what is more stressful.

Here, have a watch of this.

Hmm, it won’t let me link the YouTube site.

ahes very personable and I found her helpful. More helpful than trying to make sense of something that does not make sense.

Thanks so much, I'll come back to it and give it a watch at some point when it is safe to do so

Are you ND? Your unbelievable over analysis of the issues make me think you likely are? ND people are highly, highly susceptible to people with NPD. You need to end this once and for all.