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Original poster

No sex for a year

61 replies

Bestreached · 22/12/2025 12:45

Not really sure if this is a rant or venting sadness or what, but yesterday was my birthday and also marked a year since DH and I last had sex.

He is just not interested. Seems to have zero sex drive, and it is sometimes the most sad and frustrating thing. I am by no means constantly badgering him, and can happily live without it myself if necessary. But I do need it sometimes and enjoy it.

For context, we are both 38. Two kids (10 and 7). Never had a wild sex life but it has dwindled to nothing. I remember the last time because it was my birthday. And the time before that was my birthday the previous year. On both occasions I basically had to pounce on him, and whilst he was definitely willing and happy in the moment there was no great passion there. This year I arranged for the kids to be out, really put the effort in, was physically affectionate, we had a nice evening, and then nothing.

I just want to be desired! Yes I want the nice feeling of sex but i just want a normalarriahe with a man who wants me. Argh!

I don't want to leave him and couldn't anyway for practical and financial reasons. And I am not the unfaithful kind. But God it's frustrating in all senses of the word.

OP posts:
OverlyFragrant · 22/12/2025 12:51

Have you had an actual conversation with him about it.
And I don't mean badgering him for sex when he's least expecting it, but to sit down and to tell him gently there's something that's bothering you and you need to hear what he thinks about it too.
If not, start there.

W0tnow · 22/12/2025 12:51

The most obvious question is, have you discussed it with him? What did he say?

You are VERY young to be celibate!

ZenNudist · 22/12/2025 12:54

Are you sure he's not having sex?

Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 12:57

OverlyFragrant · 22/12/2025 12:51

Have you had an actual conversation with him about it.
And I don't mean badgering him for sex when he's least expecting it, but to sit down and to tell him gently there's something that's bothering you and you need to hear what he thinks about it too.
If not, start there.

Yes we have talked about it many times. A few years back it might have resulted in sex once or twice before reverting to normal. Now it doesn't. He just says that whilst he loves me and finds me attractive he just doesn't want to do it. I find it hard to know how to respond because I don't want to pressure him. And he does show affection in many other ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 12:59

ZenNudist · 22/12/2025 12:54

Are you sure he's not having sex?

As sure as anyone can be. We work in the same organisation so I am pretty sure there are no colleagues involved. At home nothing is out of the ordinary and whilst he is out sometimes doing hobbies etc they all check out and I can't see how he would have the time or opportunity for an affair. Can't rule it out entirely obvs but he was never very sexual even at the start so I would be very surprised.

OP posts:
LadyBlakeneysHanky · 22/12/2025 13:01

I don’t think you are in a relationship any more so much as housemates.

Have you discussed with him whether he has any sexual feelings at all? For instance, does he ever masturbate?
Is he - I’m sorry, this is the obvious thing though - attracted to other men? Does he come from a background where homosexuality would have been very much frowned on?

This must be soul destroying. Sex and the intimacy that flow from it are really precious and such an important part of a relationship. I’m sorry you are having to endure this at your age.

Lottapianos · 22/12/2025 13:03

I hear you OP. Very similar situation here. I'm about 10 years older than you. Been more than a year for us too. No interest at all in leaving or looking elsewhere

We have 'talked about it' as in I have said that I miss that side of our relationship and would like to get it back, and he agreed. And then .... Nothing changed

I think there's physical and emotional issues going on with him, which he just won't do anything about. It's frustrating in all senses. Another conversation is needed soon. No advice I'm afraid, but lots of sympathy

Puffalicious · 22/12/2025 13:07

I'm so sad for you. As PP gave said, the intimacy sex brings is a wonderful & integral part of a relationship.

At your age I was divorced with 2 littlies, & had just met DP, so were all over each other like a rash. You're so young to not be desired- it did wonders for who I am as a person.

Do you think he needs therapy to look into why he feels this way?

LochSunart · 22/12/2025 13:08

This issue will not fix itself. In fact, it's unlikely to improve, ever. I speak from bitter experience.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 22/12/2025 13:13

Bestreached · 22/12/2025 12:59

As sure as anyone can be. We work in the same organisation so I am pretty sure there are no colleagues involved. At home nothing is out of the ordinary and whilst he is out sometimes doing hobbies etc they all check out and I can't see how he would have the time or opportunity for an affair. Can't rule it out entirely obvs but he was never very sexual even at the start so I would be very surprised.

Show quote history

Been there, done that, got the tshirt, but also got out! This will not improve. So, either resign yourself to this - which is hard to do, it will massively build resentment and bitterness (not even about the lack of sex but the lack of intimacy/care/consideration for your needs) - or get counseling/sex therapy/ and work on it. If it doesn't improve after that, make an exit plan. I got out, am in a healthy happy sexually active relationship. But, even if I weren't, I'd be happier alone than with a man who cared so little for my emotional/physical needs that he would throw me a bone once a year at most (and it will decrease, I hadn't had sex with my ex for three years before it finally ended)!

Geesgirl · 22/12/2025 13:13

I was you once, op, same age too and my partner was 5 years younger.

I stuck it out for 3 years, tried everything and I eventually left.

I've never regretted it and I'm now with my partner 4 years and we are far better suited.

Ultimately you have to decide if you are prepared to stay in a sexless marriage.

Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 13:27

LadyBlakeneysHanky · 22/12/2025 13:01

I don’t think you are in a relationship any more so much as housemates.

Have you discussed with him whether he has any sexual feelings at all? For instance, does he ever masturbate?
Is he - I’m sorry, this is the obvious thing though - attracted to other men? Does he come from a background where homosexuality would have been very much frowned on?

This must be soul destroying. Sex and the intimacy that flow from it are really precious and such an important part of a relationship. I’m sorry you are having to endure this at your age.

I have never had any inkling that he might be gay. He wouldn't need to repress it. He has a close cousin who is gay and I've never heard anyone in his family say anything negative about it or treat him any differently. They love his husband and we all had a great time at the wedding!

I asked about masturbation and he said he doesn't. I honestly thought men had to have some kind of outlet! But apparently not. I have never seen any evidence of him doing that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 13:30

Lottapianos · 22/12/2025 13:03

I hear you OP. Very similar situation here. I'm about 10 years older than you. Been more than a year for us too. No interest at all in leaving or looking elsewhere

We have 'talked about it' as in I have said that I miss that side of our relationship and would like to get it back, and he agreed. And then .... Nothing changed

I think there's physical and emotional issues going on with him, which he just won't do anything about. It's frustrating in all senses. Another conversation is needed soon. No advice I'm afraid, but lots of sympathy

I wish I could help with any emotional issues he has. I have asked but he has never told me of any. He comes from a pretty normal-seeming background with parents he loves.
Physically there seem no problems either. He doesn't ever mention being ashamed of his body or anything (and he isn't overweight etc so there is no obvious reason why he might). He hasn't ever had erection issues that I have noticed. His penis is normal size and shape! He is actually very good at sex and I have told him so.

OP posts:
Notmyreality · 22/12/2025 13:38

If he genuinely doesn’t even masturbate then it appears he is totally asexual. Im
not sure there is anything that can be done. It’s not a case of spicing things up or going to counselling. If he’s willing a trip to the docs to check hormone levels might shed aome light on things. Other than your options are to either accept it, leave him, or have sex with someone else either with or without his knowledge and consent.

LochSunart · 22/12/2025 14:07

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 22/12/2025 13:13

Been there, done that, got the tshirt, but also got out! This will not improve. So, either resign yourself to this - which is hard to do, it will massively build resentment and bitterness (not even about the lack of sex but the lack of intimacy/care/consideration for your needs) - or get counseling/sex therapy/ and work on it. If it doesn't improve after that, make an exit plan. I got out, am in a healthy happy sexually active relationship. But, even if I weren't, I'd be happier alone than with a man who cared so little for my emotional/physical needs that he would throw me a bone once a year at most (and it will decrease, I hadn't had sex with my ex for three years before it finally ended)!

Show quote history

Yep, this.

TeaRoseTallulah · 22/12/2025 14:11

You're very young to not be having sex. I also think he's lying about not wanking,if he was a sexual what the hell was he doing getting married to you? Would you consider counselling ?

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 14:25

This issue aside, what’s the marriage like?

Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 14:44

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 14:25

This issue aside, what’s the marriage like?

Aside from this one thing the marriage is great. He is a lovely man, kind, great dad, does his fair share and more, good listener, never loses his temper, good fun. Just doesn't do sex!

OP posts:
Rippleok · 22/12/2025 14:46

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Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 14:48

TeaRoseTallulah · 22/12/2025 14:11

You're very young to not be having sex. I also think he's lying about not wanking,if he was a sexual what the hell was he doing getting married to you? Would you consider counselling ?

If he was up for counselling then I wouldn't be against it but I am keen not to shame him.

I have asked him outright about masturbation and he said he doesn't. He needn't he embarrassed or ashamed to, and he knows I do because I told him so to show him that it wasn't an issue. I have never seen any evidence at all that he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 14:59

This reply has been deleted

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Not a great deal most of the time. Once every few weeks would be fine! But yesterday was my birthday and I so wanted it. I was just down about it earlier.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 22/12/2025 15:12

I am also 10 years older than you (so is DH) also with similar aged DC. No sex for over a year and a half, he is working 2 jobs and has back problems so is always tired or not in. When we have tried it over the past year he has ED, says he can't take drugs for it because of his heart condition, viagra thins or thickens the blood. He says he wants it but wants me to be more romantic and love him, which I do but the lack of sex is getting me down, I try to be patient with him.

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 15:24

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Nosdacariad · 22/12/2025 15:27

Similar with my ex, we got together a couple of times after splitting up and the sex was like it had been at the start.

He claims to fancy me, not be gay, not want to live without sex but basically did...also claimed not to masturbate.

I could not live like that (we were only together a couple of years, if it was a long marriage I may have felt differently).

Radiator981 · 22/12/2025 15:29

Gosh very similar situation here / we’ve spoken on and off about it. But the bottom line for DH is I know he needs me to dominate and pursue him. If I was willing to play his kinky games then I could have as much sex as I wanted and a younger me in my 20s and 30s went along with it, sometimes it’d be simple and just calling him some diminishing name and telling him he had to worship me would get me good sex. But I would have to lead, I would have to initiate. The last year two years my body has literally said No to that - I can’t bring myself to do it. That doesn’t meet my needs of wanting to be pursued and desired. So now I’m working though with a therapist what I want - because we too are finally tied, I’m 44 we have teenage kids, school fees, kids exams coming up. But fucking hell I want to be desired.