No sex for a year

[Bestreached]

Not really sure if this is a rant or venting sadness or what, but yesterday was my birthday and also marked a year since DH and I last had sex.

He is just not interested. Seems to have zero sex drive, and it is sometimes the most sad and frustrating thing. I am by no means constantly badgering him, and can happily live without it myself if necessary. But I do need it sometimes and enjoy it.

For context, we are both 38. Two kids (10 and 7). Never had a wild sex life but it has dwindled to nothing. I remember the last time because it was my birthday. And the time before that was my birthday the previous year. On both occasions I basically had to pounce on him, and whilst he was definitely willing and happy in the moment there was no great passion there. This year I arranged for the kids to be out, really put the effort in, was physically affectionate, we had a nice evening, and then nothing.

I just want to be desired! Yes I want the nice feeling of sex but i just want a normalarriahe with a man who wants me. Argh!

I don't want to leave him and couldn't anyway for practical and financial reasons. And I am not the unfaithful kind. But God it's frustrating in all senses of the word.

Oh, and yes I quite agree you might not be better off leaving. What if the next partner also went off sex, or was abusive or crap? You have a right to leave an unsatisfactory relationship, but equally a right to claim efforts to improve it.

37 and I also have not had sex with H for nearly a year. Unfortunately I have no desire for my husband it’s very sad. We’ve tried all the tips / suggestions but I cannot get turned on. H is a great man and doesn’t deserve this.

I think it will be difficult to remain in a marriage like this long term. Are you intimate in other ways? Sex is a really important component and a mismatch in desire and drives is tough to fix if both don’t want to work on a compromise.

I guarantee you will be back here in 10 years time when you realise it may be 'only' one thing but it is a very important thing in a relationship. There are so so many threads on here every week a new one sometimes written by the DH and sometimes the Wife. The one thing that remains constant is that neither are wrong they are just not compatible and unless you are willing to sacrifice that side of yourself forever then it will not work in the long run.

This. I think we often don’t realise this when we start out with someone. Maybe some couples get together too young, maybe things were good to begin with and then something changed. But yeah, I agree that it’s an extremely important part of a relationship and one that can make or break things.

It is the fact that your husband knows this is really important to you, and yet doesn’t seem remotely inclined to try to do anything about it - which I find concerning.

Could he be gay?

Can confirm. I was here, under a different name, in 2018. I'm still here now.

I've tried having the difficult conversations with DW but then life got in the way: bereavement, elderly parents. But the issue is still there, I'm still living against a background of chronic unhappiness, and the conversation will be had, this time regardless of difficult circumstances - because there will never be a "good" time, and what time there is, is running out.

I’ve been you OP and a few things to unpick from my point of view (10 years on), all said with the unfortunate benefit of experience of once being in your shoes but not ready to accept loss of hope:

If you’ve talked about it and nothing has changed then it’s because he doesn’t want anything to change. This situation is set up to his liking. He will take irregular uncomfortable conversations over being truly honest with you or making any effort to change. It’s not you, it’s him. See the behaviour, not the words and not the hope.

Do not bend yourself into a pretzel trying to figure out why he doesn’t want you. Don’t do all the emotional work trying to make him feel comfortable enough to want you. It will drive you insane and you will never crack the code.

Get your own therapy to work this through, it isn’t one to do alone. I minimised this into ‘just a downside to an otherwise great relationship’ and this was a betrayal of my own needs. This sort of marriage will wound your self esteem and you won’t realise how deeply until the damage is done.

Future proof your life to make sure if you decide you can’t live like this then you have options. Get promoted. Pay off loans. Make sure you understand the finances. Just in case one day you decide you want more.

@buymeflowers I started therapy earlier this year; having a break just now but resuming in January. Your words, whilst making difficult reading, are very wise.

So what is he going to do about it?

A year is far too long for you to not have sex. Isn't he concerned about your needs.

Sex is an important part of a marriage.. You will feel unloved and unwanted... and very unhappy.

38 is far too young to not want sex.. Its important to a marriage at any age..
if we get into the science of it 'hormones are released that help bond you together.' This is important to a marriage.

I don't think anyone should expect their spouse to remain sexless if they themselves have gone off sex. That's selfish. They should work to resolve things. If they're not going to do anything to change the situation it would be wrong because expecting one partner to accept no sex is a major change that will put a heavy strain on their relationship.

A healthy 38 Yr old man 'should still desire sex' unless they're not well in some way, and if that's the case they should see their GP, because they would want to correct the problem so that they can make their partner happy, again, not expect their partner to just accept it..

Reasons could be a secret porn addiction, masterbation, an affair or maybe depression. Most healthy males should still '' desire sex '' unless unwell, and if so, wouldn't they want to rectify the problem by seeing their GP so they can have sex again.