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Original poster

No sex for a year

61 replies

Bestreached · 22/12/2025 12:45

Not really sure if this is a rant or venting sadness or what, but yesterday was my birthday and also marked a year since DH and I last had sex.

He is just not interested. Seems to have zero sex drive, and it is sometimes the most sad and frustrating thing. I am by no means constantly badgering him, and can happily live without it myself if necessary. But I do need it sometimes and enjoy it.

For context, we are both 38. Two kids (10 and 7). Never had a wild sex life but it has dwindled to nothing. I remember the last time because it was my birthday. And the time before that was my birthday the previous year. On both occasions I basically had to pounce on him, and whilst he was definitely willing and happy in the moment there was no great passion there. This year I arranged for the kids to be out, really put the effort in, was physically affectionate, we had a nice evening, and then nothing.

I just want to be desired! Yes I want the nice feeling of sex but i just want a normalarriahe with a man who wants me. Argh!

I don't want to leave him and couldn't anyway for practical and financial reasons. And I am not the unfaithful kind. But God it's frustrating in all senses of the word.

OP posts:
Radiator981 · 22/12/2025 15:30

Oh and DH he’s not gay - he’s just into me dominating him. I knew from the start but I was in my early 20s I didn’t know better and I had it in me to fulfil his kinks.

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 15:31

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Radiator981 · 22/12/2025 15:34

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Erm well in the early days he wanted me to use a strap on him but no he’s not asked me for anal sex. In reality the sex is good once we get going as long as I control it. Tell him what to do I get what I want. But I don’t want to do that anymore.

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 15:35

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Radiator981 · 22/12/2025 15:35

Sorry to hijack the thread @Bestreached but what I’ve learned is that well vanilla will never be enough.

putting it all to one side he says he loves me , he works hard, he works hard around the house, there are pockets of intimacy,

Radiator981 · 22/12/2025 15:36

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We’ve talked about this and he’s adamant he’s not gay. But yes I have thought it cos I know he had she-male porn when we were younger.

Perhaps he’s in denial?!

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 15:38

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Radiator981 · 22/12/2025 15:39

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I’m gay? Erm I’m not sure I am gay. I mean I’ve never thought I am, is this a dynamic you’ve seen @Rippleok?

StripyShirt · 22/12/2025 15:43

LochSunart · 22/12/2025 13:08

This issue will not fix itself. In fact, it's unlikely to improve, ever. I speak from bitter experience.

Sadly, this is true. It will never be fixed. You can either put up with it, have an affair, or leave.

You are too young for the first option .....

BrickBiscuit · 22/12/2025 15:49

Bestreached · 22/12/2025 14:48

If he was up for counselling then I wouldn't be against it but I am keen not to shame him.

I have asked him outright about masturbation and he said he doesn't. He needn't he embarrassed or ashamed to, and he knows I do because I told him so to show him that it wasn't an issue. I have never seen any evidence at all that he does.

Show quote history

Counselling wouldn't be to delve into his sexual behaviour, or lack of, and have the potential to shame him thereby. It would be to address that something is absent in your relationship which, when an imbalance of desire such as yours exists, is deal-breaker territory. It is to recognise that the relationship 'contract' is in breach, and your right to invoke termination has arisen. He gets into counselling to try and save his marriage. He doesn't get to carry on without any consequences.

Rippleok · 22/12/2025 15:56

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Radiator981 · 22/12/2025 16:01

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He tells me he’s not gay but he never ever ever talks about other women, or finding other women attractive. I mean like never.

babyproblems · 22/12/2025 16:07

I’d say try counseling. I’ll be super honest and say I think when a man doesn’t want sex, there are big problems. Are you absolutely certain there’s no one else? I’ve never had a partner (male) who has had zero sex drive. I think in cases where it’s not in your direction; it’s there but being met in other ways. I’ve never known a man who has no interest in sex. Is he watching porn? Any sign of sexual interest in anything at all?? In your shoes I’d set up marriage counseling and see what comes out. Best of luck xxx

Limon87 · 22/12/2025 16:11

It really does sound like he could be asexual. Could you speak to a sexual counsellor yourself about it - first alone and then if he’s comfortable with both of you? I’m so sorry - my husband had a really low sex drive for years but it was more to do with anxiety than desire and we’ve managed to sort things out. If someone just doesn’t want to have sex that’s hard to change, and while it’s his right to stand by that you’ll need to explore if you can stay with that set up forever.

good luck with it all. It’s a hard situation to be in x

Crushed23 · 22/12/2025 16:20

Lottapianos · 22/12/2025 13:03

I hear you OP. Very similar situation here. I'm about 10 years older than you. Been more than a year for us too. No interest at all in leaving or looking elsewhere

We have 'talked about it' as in I have said that I miss that side of our relationship and would like to get it back, and he agreed. And then .... Nothing changed

I think there's physical and emotional issues going on with him, which he just won't do anything about. It's frustrating in all senses. Another conversation is needed soon. No advice I'm afraid, but lots of sympathy

Could you or OP perhaps explain why a sexless relationship is not cause for wanting to leave? I’m just curious. 30s/40s is so young to be celibate.

I lost all sexual attraction to ex-DP but the relationship was great in every other way (as in, if any relationship could survive no sex it would have been this one), yet it only limped on for one year before we called it a day.

Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 16:31

Crushed23 · 22/12/2025 16:20

Could you or OP perhaps explain why a sexless relationship is not cause for wanting to leave? I’m just curious. 30s/40s is so young to be celibate.

I lost all sexual attraction to ex-DP but the relationship was great in every other way (as in, if any relationship could survive no sex it would have been this one), yet it only limped on for one year before we called it a day.

Show quote history

I don't want to leave because sex is one of many facets to a marriage. Yes it's missing and that makes me feel bad things (sadness, unattractiveness, frustration both sexual and at him) but it is only that one thing. I could leave for someone with whom I was more sexually compatible but I doubt he would be as good in the other areas. Plus the impact on the kids would be significant, as would the practical and financial upheaval.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 22/12/2025 16:33

'Could you or OP perhaps explain why a sexless relationship is not cause for wanting to leave?'

I think it's a perfectly valid reason for leaving, but I'm not giving up on my own relationship at this stage

Original poster
Bestreached · 22/12/2025 16:34

babyproblems · 22/12/2025 16:07

I’d say try counseling. I’ll be super honest and say I think when a man doesn’t want sex, there are big problems. Are you absolutely certain there’s no one else? I’ve never had a partner (male) who has had zero sex drive. I think in cases where it’s not in your direction; it’s there but being met in other ways. I’ve never known a man who has no interest in sex. Is he watching porn? Any sign of sexual interest in anything at all?? In your shoes I’d set up marriage counseling and see what comes out. Best of luck xxx

Like I said, I have no evidence that he masturbated / uses porn. Maybe he does and covers it up but I have seen no evidence and a preference for that over actual sex would clearly be a bigger worry than just the no sex.

Perhaps counselling is something to think about but it is much easier to talk about this stuff anonymously on here than in real life. I feel bad making a big deal over lack of sex. I should be able to manage that.

OP posts:
LochSunart · 22/12/2025 16:37

@Bestreached "I feel bad making a big deal over lack of sex.'

You definitely shouldn't feel bad. I'm an expert on this topic!

Nosdacariad · 22/12/2025 16:40

babyproblems · 22/12/2025 16:07

I’d say try counseling. I’ll be super honest and say I think when a man doesn’t want sex, there are big problems. Are you absolutely certain there’s no one else? I’ve never had a partner (male) who has had zero sex drive. I think in cases where it’s not in your direction; it’s there but being met in other ways. I’ve never known a man who has no interest in sex. Is he watching porn? Any sign of sexual interest in anything at all?? In your shoes I’d set up marriage counseling and see what comes out. Best of luck xxx

Just because you've not experienced it doesn't mean it's not a thing.

I thought the same as you until I met ex.

Nosdacariad · 22/12/2025 16:42

Bestreached · 22/12/2025 16:34

Like I said, I have no evidence that he masturbated / uses porn. Maybe he does and covers it up but I have seen no evidence and a preference for that over actual sex would clearly be a bigger worry than just the no sex.

Perhaps counselling is something to think about but it is much easier to talk about this stuff anonymously on here than in real life. I feel bad making a big deal over lack of sex. I should be able to manage that.

Show quote history

Please don't feel bad. You are not making a big deal. A sex life is not an unreasonable need.

User452023 · 22/12/2025 16:43

Wonder if he's looking at porn... 🧐

Does he go to bed with you at roughly the same time.. does he stay in another room with his phone or laptop.. or does he prefer to sleep on the sofa..?

For some people watching porn can kill their sex life with their partner. Some men can develop ED issues..

Sorry, I didn't see that you had answered this already.. Its something that I thought about.

Gloriia · 22/12/2025 16:52

He says he doesn't wank because then that obviously leads to questions like why does he do that when you are keen.

Sorry op, you need to snoop on his phone. See if he is looking at porn or sexting anyone.

38 is too young to be in a sexless relationship.

TheMimsy · 22/12/2025 17:20

Has he ever had his testosterone levels checked @Bestreached

BrickBiscuit · 22/12/2025 17:26

Bestreached · 22/12/2025 16:31

I don't want to leave because sex is one of many facets to a marriage. Yes it's missing and that makes me feel bad things (sadness, unattractiveness, frustration both sexual and at him) but it is only that one thing. I could leave for someone with whom I was more sexually compatible but I doubt he would be as good in the other areas. Plus the impact on the kids would be significant, as would the practical and financial upheaval.

Show quote history

It's all very well to say sex may be 'one of many facets to a marriage', but to most people it's in the top three, and that's deal-breaker territory.