Ex reached out after 2 months of no contact with a very polite message and a gift. What's his point?

[OrangeFairytales]

4 months ago, on this very sub I shared my painful relationship with a very self-centered man, whom I had been dating for 10 months. A few months later, in October, I was the one who ended the relationship, but it was mutual. He agreed and again played the incompatibility card. Immediately after that, we went no contact.

But a few days ago I received this text from him via WhatsApp, exactly on our 2 month breakup anniversary. Please help me understand what he was trying to accomplish here and why he did that. I am copying his text below:
"Hi. Wow, so much time has passed. Two months. Me being me, I spent more than a month traveling, and after returning I got involved in protests. Over these months there was everything, pain, sadness, resentment, loneliness, and looking back. But in calm reflection, I still think that we did not make a mistake. As I have told you before, you are a very kind, lovely woman. I felt that during our last conversation, you were hurting. And it made me very sad and painful to hurt you. I think we both tried very honestly and searched for shared happiness. It seems that it remained beyond what we were able to reach.
I want once again to thank you for many very beautiful moments this year. For all the communication. For the closeness. And for many other things, which I believe you already know. With the holidays approaching, I want to wish you cozy holidays. I hope that along with the coziness and calm that you will certainly create for yourself, you will also find happy moments with your family during the holidays.
I want to wish you that the coming year will be better for you, that the irritations will fade away, and that the next steps will come together successfully in work, travel, home, and friendships.
For the holidays, I would like to give you a book that I ordered from Amazon and hope will reach you in the coming days. I hope the package does not get lost on the way. The book, which I discovered while traveling, felt very you to me. Maybe you know it, maybe you even already have it, or maybe when you receive it you will not find anything new in it, because to me it really is so you. Or maybe there will still be something new, and I hope it will make you happy.
This gift is not a message, not a hidden meaning. It just felt very appropriate to me, and I wanted to give you something for the holidays. If you decide not to accept it, I think it would be easy to pass it on to someone else or donate it.
Once again, thank you. I wish you happy holidays, and simply, happiness."

He clearly does not want to try again, at least according to me. He acknowledges it was a good decision. But it triggered me so much. Again, he was extremely polite here, like in our entire relationship, said the right things but was emotionless, without really connecting or relating. And a gift? A book that is so me? For the record, he did not even give me anything for my birthday, but now a gift after a breakup to thank me for my time? What the fuck? Why this? Is this his closure? Is he trying to stay the good guy in his own eyes and preserve his reputation?

What would you respond? Would you at all? I feel like I am healing. I do not want him back, but if I do not respond, I will keep thinking about this for a while. If I do, he may want to start talking, and I do not want to open those wounds. Then the book arrives and hits me again with memories. Doh.
Please tell me what you think of all this.

Thanks, I agree it's the healthiest way for now. But perhaps once I'm very distanced and have 0 attachment to the situation, I would let him know what I think of this idea. If I don't forget it by then.

Mine feels superior because he runs several businesses and holds a PhD from a very prestigious university. He liked reminding this a lot to me and wasn't happy that I didn't like to talk about those topics as much as he liked. When I said I need emotional closeness and bonding, he said he bonds though the above mentioned things, i.e. his accomplishments. He felt superior also because he volunteered for the military (although I think he did that for power) and fought for the big causes (mentioning protests here again). He is rich, owns several expensive cars, a house and 3 apartments he bought for investment reason.

I don't fully know the bonding history of my ex, he didn't share much. He was previously married and divorced because "it was no longer fun and we were not compatible". I know his wife from social media, I am actually surprised they got divorced because she also seems quite status obsessed. However, much more physically and socially active, I suspect it had to do something with physical intimacy. Sex was very strange with him, I've never experienced something like that. I wrote about it in my first post. Even his kisses felt extremely robotic. In sex, we did only one position in those 9 months and whenever I expressed my needs, he often said "oh, I see, but it's not my style". Everything was not his style, expect some BDSM kinks which lacked any kind of playfulness and connection. He, for instance, wanted me to use handcuffs in very strange situations, for instance, while we would be watching BBC news. Yes, news. Or me to wear handcuffs while he was driving. So no play in both cases, just some sort of weird satisfaction form of him watching and getting satisfaction from it. I didn't do it, but it was strange as fuck. In sex, he also struggled with finishing. He couldn't without manual stimulation, but never addressed the matter. Felt very offended when we talked about sex, always avoided the topic.

When I first wanted to learn his relationship history, he said he had 3 relationships. But later on confessed that he didn't count in relationships which lasted less than 1 year, and there were many many one night stands, some strange relationships where he even moved in with a polyamorous woman (while he aways claimed he wanted a happy family and a second marriage that wouldn't collapse) after the first date and lived for half a year knowing she had another partner. So often he said one thing, did another when it comes to relationships. I.e. did something that completely mismatched his long term goals. He spoke about those women in a particularly strange manner, as if they only were there for convenience and... to admire HIM. Whenever someone offered him admiration, he probably felt connected. But that's why he was involved with so many women who didn't demand anything deeper. And perhaps once they did, he labelled them as incompatible and moved on. Gosh, I'm writing all of this down and feeling that very same anxiety that I felt at the beginning of our relationship. The thing is he didn't hide anything from me, even said his empathy is very low. But I was so naive that I was thinking to myself: 1) no way, he is so smart, he is just being humble; 2) poor man, such a traumatic life and childhood he had, he was compensating, but it will be different with me.

I got about a quarter of the way through that - how utterly self absorbed.

He’s copy and pasted that and sent to every woman he’s ever dated to see who bites (and who’ll host him for Christmas)

What a complete and utter boring twat he sounds like.

If you do anything other than delete and block you are very stupid.

About the breakup. I was the one who said that I wanted to break up. But I think he wanted me to do so and did not have the guts to do it himself. He initiated the conversation about our future and said that we were in a tough spot, whenever he had the smallest difference, he started talking about incompatibility since very early on. I again invited him to build a stronger emotional connection, which I felt was lacking. He said he was not sure if he could change and asked whether I would want to continue if he would not. I said I could not continue like that. And we said goodbye to one another. So in fact, his question was whether I am okay if he can only offer half-love to me, probably already knowing that I will say no.

He played the compatibility card all the time, from very early on, making me very very insecure. After our second date, when he flew to where I live and we spent the entire weekend at my home (that one was great, by the way), a couple of days later he told me he was already afraid we were incompatible because my home is very neat and he doesn't like cleaning, hence has a housekeeper who comes every day, but doesn't want to do ANYTHING at home himself. And also because I cook and he likes eating at restaurants and he doesn't want to cook. That was four days after that weekend, which I thought at the time was great. He withdrew for a couple of days, and then returned to me with his "critical thoughts about our compatibility". Goooosh, I should have let him go then, but I thought again to myself that he is a good guy, very traumatized, and kind of talked him into trying because his reasons sounded ridiculous. And then every 2 weeks he was discussing with our compatibility.

Money was not a problem for him, I don't know why he didn't gift me anything. I was turning 40, he was not even there with me. I spent time with friends, while he was working on his big military causes that weekend training junior officers. Apart from not getting a birthday gift, we often spent free time at expensive hotels very overpriced hotels because I couldn't stand the dog smell in his house (he didn't clean much, didn't walk his dogs, allowed them to use his lawn as their wc, never clean that, so you can imagine dogs would step in their own shit and brought it home and so on). He himself runs away from his own home, I think, even when we were not alone. He booked expensive hotels to rest from home from time to time, but didn't put any effort into cleaning something there by himself. Vey very weird personality. And as I said before, I did put up with it because of empathy towards him and my own low self-esteem which I'm now working on re-establishing...

Im getting second hand embarrassment just reading his twaddle.

I expect he wants the ego boost of you falling over yourself to reply

Omg OK I take it back, I don't know a man like this. Handcuffs in the car?! He sounds terrifying.

And, I've said this before on MN but it bears repeating - a man who is selfish in bed is selfish in his very soul. Never tolerate that again.

What a pretentious, self-obsessed message. Block!

He never hurt me physically and even verbally, his every day communication was as polite as his message that you've read. But I feel there was something so off about that person that I can't explain. He did say nice things to me, did some nice practical gestures, but emotionally it felt so cold that one can't imagine. It gives such a cold vibes, actually. It's very hard to explain.

He's a narc and this is a classic narc move , love bombing. l am so glad you have blocked him @OrangeFairytales

Handcuffs during the news? Thats one very strange man.
He also sounds like he’s walked straight out of the last series of The White Lotus.
I met one of those once. I am completely conventional. He promised me a weekend of adventure and when I got in his jeep he handed me a container full of green sludge.
He made his own guacamole and it was vile.
Luckily I had brought a family bag of Opal Fruits.
Yep, the weekend was the last dance.
You deserve better.

What a sanctimonious wanker.

Absolute tosser. I can't wait to hear what the book is, my guess is a self help book for you to improve yourself for men like him.

I love that his idea of emotional connection is him wanking on about his academic field 😂. He has all the words and zero self-awareness.

I thought you said you’d blocked him?! Keep him blocked. Be done. It’s over.

Yes, he said he bonds only through discussions about work, politics, world affairs, learning new things, academia because this is what defines him.

He rarely talked about his family, emotional world (this one was kind of extinct). Only when I asked, only very shortly. He couldn't talk anything else about sex, apart from 'liking visual stimulation and to watch" or open up emotionally.

Sounds like a bloody serial killer - emotionally detached from the women he sleeps with.

You're attracted to his wealth and position. Possibly you felt good because you thought this talented, rich man ‘chose’ you. But he didn’t really. It was completely on his terms and he never saw you in his future. To be fair to him, he did tell you that from the very early days.
You hoped you’d change him. Be ‘the one’. You possibly saw yourself in a lifestyle you could only dream about. I think that’s normal enough but it’s also why he isn’t with someone on his own perceived ‘level’. This man doesn’t have the desire or ability to put anyone as his equal. He never saw you as his equal. He spent time with you only when it suited him. You won’t have been the first and you won’t be the last.

Many of us have been in your shoes OP. (Although most of us would have run for the hills when the handcuff fantasy was introduced).

You are correct in a way. He was in fact looking for an equal partner, that's why he was extremely interested in my education, even wanted to see my grades and official job title. What I studied, where, what's my job title, he wanted to date an accomplished woman ONLY. His ex wife was also an entrepreneur, he was her mentor at some point and that's how they met. I am also highly educated and have a really good job, well-paying, my own life. He said he has never dated a woman who doesn't have a master's degree because it would have been a downgrade.

But sometimes our external accomplishments hide our fragile egos, like in his case. Or lower self-esteem, like in my case. I'm a medical doctor (children) and an empath. That's probably the reason why I chose this profession in the first place... So if I see someone around me hurting, I think it's my job to fix them. Yes, I know it's NOT my job, but it's like the first instinct. This relationship has definitely taught me to stay away from broken men, because they can only fix themselves if they are aware enough. Mine wasn't aware. He spent 6 years in therapy for "self-acceptance" reasons, so that he learnt to accept himself fully and love himself. Not to connect or to relate to another human-being. But I've learnt my lesson the hard way...

BDSM can be fun, I've done it before with someone else and we broke-up because of distance. But there was also a strong reciprocity there, playfulness, desire, and STRONG emotional connection that made both of us safe with each other. That's the difference. Suggesting to wear handcuffs while watching news or driving for no reason, with zero play, teasing, emotional connection sounds instrumental and weird.

@OrangeFairytales

A friend of mine was once in a relationship with a man similar to 'yours' though not as extreme.

He was a 'self made man' (multi-millions) who was very proud of his accomplishments. There's nothing wrong with that, but it can't be the end all and be all of 'who one is'.

He had a definite air of superiority and tended to pompousness, but he treated her very nicely as far as 'gentlemanly behaviour' (no weird bedroom stuff and no sexual demands) but everything was so transactional. If he did X, she should know to reciprocate with Y. If she didn't or if he felt she wasn't 'falling in line' with his expectations, he would 'express his disappointment' with the 'I'm not sure we're compatible' line. He enjoyed spending money if he benefited from it too, so dinners, shows, experiences galore but always what he wanted to eat, see, or do and very little in the way of spending money on her or things she would like to do. I know one shouldn't expect gifts, etc but he once told her that he only gave gifts to women who put out enough 'girlfriend energy' on him. That basically meant over the top appreciation, I mean waaayyy over the top. Like calling all your friends and gushing about it (in front of him), showing it off to all his friends and the like. He also told her at one time that 'his' woman's 'job' was to provide entertainment to pull him away from being 'all work, no play'. She got tired of all this after about a year (I know! Too long) and broke it off with him. He disappeared from her life only to surface about 6 months later with a phone call wanting to 'discuss our breakup'. She said 'no thank you' and hung up.

As far as not responding, please don't. And you say '...perhaps once I'm very distanced and have 0 attachment to the situation...". But listen, once you've truly done that you won't want to respond. If you do, that means you aren't done working on yourself.

Yep..............cuffing season i believe its called

Very odd message. You're well on your way past this relationship so keep going. It seems like a bit of ahead f@@k to be honest

Gosh he sounds exhausting!

I think you did the correct thing op. You have dodged a bullet. I do not think he would be a great father since he can’t seem to see past his own needs and wants.

Children come along and they take everything from you! (Rightly so) but he doesn’t sound emotionally equipped to give what is needed

He had his chance with you and he blew it. Money does not buy you everything and certainly he couldn’t buy you! ( thank goodness you saw sense)

For you dear, on to the next man!!!

Thanks dear!

Did his surname begin with D?

In my case, neither is true. He isn't Stephen and his surname doesn't start with a 'D'.

It is terrifying how many of these men seem to be out there...