Ex reached out after 2 months of no contact with a very polite message and a gift. What's his point?

[OrangeFairytales]

4 months ago, on this very sub I shared my painful relationship with a very self-centered man, whom I had been dating for 10 months. A few months later, in October, I was the one who ended the relationship, but it was mutual. He agreed and again played the incompatibility card. Immediately after that, we went no contact.

But a few days ago I received this text from him via WhatsApp, exactly on our 2 month breakup anniversary. Please help me understand what he was trying to accomplish here and why he did that. I am copying his text below:
"Hi. Wow, so much time has passed. Two months. Me being me, I spent more than a month traveling, and after returning I got involved in protests. Over these months there was everything, pain, sadness, resentment, loneliness, and looking back. But in calm reflection, I still think that we did not make a mistake. As I have told you before, you are a very kind, lovely woman. I felt that during our last conversation, you were hurting. And it made me very sad and painful to hurt you. I think we both tried very honestly and searched for shared happiness. It seems that it remained beyond what we were able to reach.
I want once again to thank you for many very beautiful moments this year. For all the communication. For the closeness. And for many other things, which I believe you already know. With the holidays approaching, I want to wish you cozy holidays. I hope that along with the coziness and calm that you will certainly create for yourself, you will also find happy moments with your family during the holidays.
I want to wish you that the coming year will be better for you, that the irritations will fade away, and that the next steps will come together successfully in work, travel, home, and friendships.
For the holidays, I would like to give you a book that I ordered from Amazon and hope will reach you in the coming days. I hope the package does not get lost on the way. The book, which I discovered while traveling, felt very you to me. Maybe you know it, maybe you even already have it, or maybe when you receive it you will not find anything new in it, because to me it really is so you. Or maybe there will still be something new, and I hope it will make you happy.
This gift is not a message, not a hidden meaning. It just felt very appropriate to me, and I wanted to give you something for the holidays. If you decide not to accept it, I think it would be easy to pass it on to someone else or donate it.
Once again, thank you. I wish you happy holidays, and simply, happiness."

He clearly does not want to try again, at least according to me. He acknowledges it was a good decision. But it triggered me so much. Again, he was extremely polite here, like in our entire relationship, said the right things but was emotionless, without really connecting or relating. And a gift? A book that is so me? For the record, he did not even give me anything for my birthday, but now a gift after a breakup to thank me for my time? What the fuck? Why this? Is this his closure? Is he trying to stay the good guy in his own eyes and preserve his reputation?

What would you respond? Would you at all? I feel like I am healing. I do not want him back, but if I do not respond, I will keep thinking about this for a while. If I do, he may want to start talking, and I do not want to open those wounds. Then the book arrives and hits me again with memories. Doh.
Please tell me what you think of all this.

Block the cock

It’s this. I’m embarrassed to admit that this is the kind of ruminating my mind does when left to its own devices. I have to take it in hand and shut it down! It sounds as though his life doesn’t involve real relationships that take up his time and attention, just endless introspection on what could have been.

He also has some ND traits, though I’m sure people won’t like me saying that.

He sounds very self aware but clueless about the emotional life/internal world of other people. Relationships are about building connection, shaping in response to each other. He is fixed. The anxiety is you knowing that all the moulding and shaping will be on you. You will be pretzelling yourself to adapt to him rather than anything mutual developing.

Good news- you already finished it. He can be filed as an intellectual curiosity you explored for a while before deciding it wasn’t worth the effort. It’s really good news- this kind of situation is really destructive in the long term.

Does he look in the mirror when he comes? What a stupid berk! You are well rid.

What an absolute knob!!! Far too much navel gazing. Block and move on.

God almighty i see you've met my brother-this is the type of dribble he would (and has) sent to women over the years

He's exactly the same personality type-all 'peace and love', 'I'm the best navel gazer in the world' and 'I'm gods gift to every single woman on this planet'

He's not,hes a pathetic narcissist who only thinks of himself and himself only

(If he's called 'H' S.A,has long hair,bad piercings,looks a bit like a temu jesus and stinks like a rotting hippy,youve definitely met him)

Trust me,this bloke just wants a warm body,a bed,sex and a Christmas dinner cooking for him

There is no book-if you get in touch,there still would be no book,just a lot of drama and hurt

It's bait so you'll fall for him again

Please just block him and move on-people like him and my brother are not worth any head space and certainly not worth a thread on here!

Best of luck and have a lovely Christmas

Is his name Stephen? I dated a man who sent a message just like that after I’d finished with him!

We all know a man like this sadly! They are so common!

They think they're so so unique as well, bleurgh

I think he likes having you on his Roster - female “friends”, he has slept with, to be used as a hoop for the next person to jump through.
He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong it just one of those things, and he feels sad about it.

In a way this is a bid for connection, so accept it if you want that connection or step aside if you don’t want it.

I wouldn’t actually spend a lot of time assessing his motives- fundamentally it is the same as you (making me feel better about myself).

This.

Oh there will probably be a book alright so he can impart his wisdom and enlighten you. Asshole.

Mine feels superior because he runs several businesses and holds a PhD from a very prestigious university. He liked reminding this a lot to me and wasn't happy that I didn't like to talk about those topics as much as he liked. When I said I need emotional closeness and bonding, he said he bonds though the above mentioned things, i.e. his accomplishments. He felt superior also because he volunteered for the military (although I think he did that for power, for the part) and fought for the big causes (mentioning protests here again). He is rich, owns several expensive cars, a house and 3 apartments he bought for investment reason.

I don't fully know the bonding history of my ex, he didn't share much. He was previously married and divorced because "it was no longer fun and we were not compatible". I know his wife from social media, I am actually surprised they got divorced because she also seems quite status obsessed. However, much more physically and socially active, I suspect it had to do something with physical intimacy. Sex was very strange with him, I've never experienced something like that. I wrote about it in my first post. Even his kisses felt extremely robotic. In sex, we did only one position in those 9 months and whenever I expressed my needs, he often said "oh, I see, but it's not my style". Everything was not his style, expect some BDSM kinks which lacked any kind of playfulness and connection. He, for instance, wanted me to use handcuffs in very strange situation, for instance, while we would be watching BBC news. Yes, news. Or wear handcuffs while he was driving. So no play in both cases, just some sort of weird satisfaction from watching. I didn't do it, but it was strange as fuck.

When I first wanted to learn his relationship history, he said he had 3 relationships. But later on confessed that he didn't count in relationships which lasted less than 1 year, and there were many many one night stands, some strange relationships where he moved in with a polyamorous woman (while he aways claimed he wanted a happy family and a second marriage that wouldn't collapse) after the first date and live for half a year. So often said one thing, did another when it comes to relationships. I.e. did something that completely mismatched his long term goals. He spoke about those women in a particularly strange manner, as if they only were there for convenience and... to admire HIM. Whenever someone offered him admiration, he probably felt connected. But that's why he was involved with so many women who didn't demand for anything deeper. And perhaps once they did, he labelled them as incompatible and moved on. Gosh, I'm writing all of this down and feeling that very same anxiety that I felt at the beginning of our relationship. The thing is he didn't hide anything from me, even said his empathy is very low. But I was so naive that I was thinking to myself: 1) no way, he is so smart, he is just being humble; 2) poor man, such a traumatic life and childhood he had, he was compensating, but it will be different with me.

You dodged a bullet there @OrangeFairytales ! The first response from @LoudSnoringDog nailed it. Don't let his grandiose narc email bullshit or his wanky book disturb your peace.

About the breakup. I was the one who said that I wanted to break up. But I think he wanted me to do so and did not have the guts to do it himself. He initiated the conversation about our future and said that we were in a tough spot, whenever he had the smallest difference, he started talking about incompatibility since very early on. I again invited him to build a stronger emotional connection, which I felt was lacking. He said he was not sure if he could change and asked whether I would want to continue if he would not. I said I could not continue like that. And we said goodbye to one another. So in fact, his question was whether I am okay if he can only offer half-love to me, probably already knowing that I will say no, I'm not okay.

He played the compatibility card all the time, from very early on, making me very very insecure. After our second date, when he flew to where I live and we spent the entire weekend at my home, a couple of days later he told me he was already afraid we were incompatible because my home is very neat and he doesn't like cleaning, hence has a housekeeper who comes every day, but doesn't want to do ANYTHING at home himself. And also because I cook and he likes eating at restaurants and he doesn't want to cook. That was four days after that weekend, which I thought at the time was great. He withdrew for a couple of days, and then returned to me with his "critical thoughts about our compatibility". Goooosh, I should have let him go then, but I thought again to myself that he is a good guy, very traumatized, and kind of talked him into trying because his reasons sounded ridiculous. And then every 2 weeks he was discussing with our compatibility.

Money was not a problem for him, I don't know why he didn't gift me anything. I was turning 40, he was not even there with me. I spent time with friends, while he was working on his big military causes that weekend training junior officers.

I doubt there is a book Op, he just wanted to say you left him so you must need therapy.
Think of all the things you missed Op, like him always wanting his own way and his need for the perfect public image. Ignore his text and enjoy being single

I just Googled, "if someone sends you something via Amazon can you send it back yourself and get a refund?" and apparently you can, without the sender being notified. I'm not sure if this applies in every country where Amazon operates and/or whether you'll want to bother, but it might be an option (as well as blocking him).

Yes, you can return a gift yourself without the sender being notified, and you will receive the refund as an Amazon Gift Card credited directly to your account.

How to Return a Gift Anonymously

To ensure the refund goes to you and the sender is not notified, use the Amazon Gift Returns page instead of your standard "Your Orders" page.

1. Locate the Order ID: Find the 17-digit order number on the packing slip or the digital gift receipt.
2. Start the Return: Enter this order ID on the Gift Returns page.
3. Choose Your Refund: Select the items to return and choose the Amazon Gift Card refund option.
4. Ship the Item: Select a return method (e.g., UPS drop-off or Amazon Hub Locker) and print the provided prepaid label.

He sounds awful. The only reason he has had so many women is because of his wealth. If he was a regular guy working in a 9-5 office job, owned one home, had one car or travelled by public transport, and didn’t have his causes, women would throw him back as soon as he did something weird or spoke about incompatibility.

The only why you need to ask yourself is why you put up with him as long as you did so you can reset your boundaries and place value on yourself earlier.

OP the best advice anyone can give you is to stop wondering why. This man isn’t worth another minute of your time.

What a dweeb .

Thank you. Yes, I think i myself was kind of "happy" at first to be chosen by someone so accomplished, even though he also didn't match my type. He was slightly overweight, not physically active, could discuss all the heavy topics all the time, but didn't offer any emotional warmth. And as I've written before, I struggled both with self-esteem and too much empathy for the wrong people. I understand it sounds strange, but I felt so sorry for him, that was probably thinking I would get him out of all his wounds, he will become more empathic with me, he's just being humble, he is just too traumatized.

I've been in therapy for a while, it's helping to understand my own relationship patterns and with healing.

He is so far up his own arse - please reply with - hey, sorry who is this?

Or “hey, that’s kind to send a gift, thanks but reply no need! I wasn’t hurting at all, just relieved - we def weren’t right for each other. Have a fun Christmas!

No don’t. This is so blatantly obvious and you’ll come across as a woman scorned. You’ll cringe and regret this when you’re emotionally distanced. I speak from experience.

can you just reply saying "sorry, who's this?" 🤣🤣 how self absorbed can you get 🙄

Do not respond. The only thing narcissists are interested in is a reaction. They don't care what the reaction is, they just want one. There are a million and one clever, cutting and amusing responses you could give - but that will just be feeding his narrative. Grey rock, zero response. He'll follow up as well to see if you received his bloody book too, do not engage.

He definitely won't. He has a huge sense of pride. He never ever engages again if he is ignored. I know this about his past friendships or even family members. He simply moves on.

I'm not planning to reply soon, by the way.

@OrangeFairytales perfect! (Although, strange that he came back to you after no contact for two months.)

I'm not planning to reply soon, by the way.

Take the word ‘soon’ out of the above statement and you’ll have a healthier mindset.