Struggling with lack of communication and unilateral decisions – am I being unreasonable?

[Fandyman]

I’m posting here because I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives, especially from parents who’ve navigated similar dynamics.

I’ve been with my wife for around 10 years and we have a 2.5-year-old daughter. Since becoming parents, I’ve increasingly felt that proper communication between us has broken down – particularly around decisions that affect our child and family life.

The main issue is this:
I don’t feel we have any real space to talk things through as partners.

When our daughter is around, I avoid serious conversations because I don’t want arguments or tension in front of her. When she’s asleep or not around, my wife often withdraws – goes upstairs, avoids the conversation, or starts messaging her sister or mum instead.

As a result, important topics never really get discussed.

A recent example:
There was pressure for us to do a long trip (several hours each way) to visit her sister with our toddler. I had concerns about the drive, logistics, and stress for our daughter. Rather than sitting down and deciding together, plans were discussed with her sister first and then presented to me as more or less decided.

When I asked for a calm conversation before agreeing, things became tense. Eventually our daughter became ill and the trip didn’t happen. The next day my wife said something along the lines of: “Well, our daughter sorted it for you – now we don’t have to go.”

What upset me wasn’t the cancelled trip, but the lack of reflection or acknowledgement of the pressure beforehand. No “I can see why that was hard for you” – just moving on.

She then added that she plans to go alone with our daughter another weekend.

I feel that:

• decisions involving our child are sometimes made without proper joint discussion,
• my concerns are treated as obstacles rather than part of a shared decision-making process,
• I’m being informed of plans rather than included in them.

Another pattern I’ve noticed is that when there’s tension between us, my wife turns immediately to her family (especially her sister) for emotional support. I don’t want to isolate her from her family at all – but it does make me feel like our relationship isn’t the primary place where things are worked out.

I’ve suggested things like couples counselling, but even raising that feels impossible without defensiveness or withdrawal.

At this point I feel exhausted. I spend a lot of time analysing situations, wondering if I’m being unreasonable, and trying to work out how to create space for basic dialogue.

So I’d really appreciate honest views on:

• Is it normal to feel this worn down trying to get a conversation in a relationship?
• At what point does avoiding discussion become a serious problem?
• How do people handle situations where one partner avoids talking but still makes plans?
• Am I being unreasonable to expect decisions involving a child to be genuinely mutual?

I’m open to hearing where I might be getting this wrong as well.

Thanks for reading.

No it's not normal, it's already a serious problem and you're not being unreasonable. Couple therapy would be the best option but if she's highly avoidant she's probably going to avoid therapy too...

Wtf
you have concerns around your toddler travelling a couple of hours to visit your wife’s sister?

back the f**k off

It’s not a great example. Seems to me it’s more about her relationship with her family, and your feelings about that. Does her sister have kids out of interest ?

Hmmm your example about the travelling - “drive, logistics , stress for your daughter” sounds a little dramatic if I’m honest.
It’s a car drive and if you never make these journeys how does your wife get to see her family?

I guess what im saying is from that one example it makes me wonder if you are a worrier and if your wife does see it as you presenting obstacles it could be she is worn down by it and now is avoiding discussion as she knows you will have objections etc

councilling might be an idea though if you are both feeling worn down by how you communicate with each other.

It’s not normal for you to not be able to communicate and discuss life or plans in every day life because you’re worried it will turn into an argument.

I was flagged by your commenting regarding the trip to see her sister and you saying this would be stressful for your child. Taking a child in the car for a few hours shouldn’t been seen as a big deal and isn’t something to worry about. Is this your feelings on a lot of things in life when it comes to your child?

The reason she said she’d go alone with your child is because she’s thinking “well if he’s too worried about this I’ll just do it myself.” It’s really unrealistic to say she can’t see her family because it’s too far away. Will you just never go anywhere ever with your child? That’s not the answer.

You need to come to your wife with love and tell her that you love her and want to find a way for you to both be able to positively communicate again and get back on track. Suggest therapy and tell her that it could be a realer great way of understanding each others view points and learning how to get back to the great couple you were.

The aim is not to throw away what you once had but you certainly can’t continue living the way you are.

I think choosing a trip to her sister is probably going to derail your post. People are already overlooking the actual point.

No I don’t think it is ok for her to present anything that you are expected to participate in as a done deal. You can bet your life she doesn’t tell anyone else what they will be doing and when.

Unless she goes to another room rather than have a conversation with you is because she is afraid of you, then I think your relationship is in serious trouble. Or perhaps you are overbearing or difficult in some other way to discuss things with. If that were the case though, I would have thought she would welcome couple’s counselling.

If she won’t do that maybe get some counselling yourself to get an unbiased opinion and advice on what to do.

I’m having a little difficulty reading this from a neutral perspective because my ex felt very similarly to you and had concerns like this, and ultimately felt that communication broke down, and it absolutely had.

From my perspective the way my ex wanted to handle any plan was to overthink it to the point of anything feeling pointless - travel? Why bother, it’s going to disrupt sleep schedules, it’s going to be an upheaval, how will me manage xyz, is this the right thing to dooo? It was all self indulgent hand wringing.
Decisions about parenting ended up being solely my decision because he had to discuss every possibility to the nth degree which resulted in someone having to make a decision.
Even looking after the cat became a minefield. When it was ill he couldn’t possibly administer medication because “I don’t know what I’m doing, I might hurt it, it might hurt me, I’m sooo upset that it’s ill and can’t cope”, which left it to me. Again.
I ended up deferring to family to make decisions because he simply couldn’t and I needed to talk to someone who didn’t end up taking hours to talk through some normal non-event. Communication broke down. He’s now an ex.

How did you plan and organise things together before you had a child? Was your wife he default organiser?

There is nothing wrong with having a dicussion about plans in front of a toddler.

It absolutely is a problem if shes not talking to hou or involving you in discussions. But like other posters, the example.you gave makes me think you are over thinking and over analysing things.

I also would ask when does all this planning happen? Does she ask or.mention it to you ans you say something about thinking about it later so she just gets on with it? Because this is true in my marriage and a lot of women I know - if we wait until HE is ready, nothing would ever get done.

Also, how are xhild care and other responsibilities split? My dh is great and does his bit, but the truth is that i am the one who is properly on top of what the children like and need. I am far more likely to know if they can manage a long car drive, or cope with different food. I remember my sister and I rolling our eyes at her dh once because he was so panicked on a walk with our toddlers. But we walked with them all the time, we knew what they could cope with and where the danger points were. He didnt.

I am your wife in this set up.

For me it’s come about because he had zero interest in anything i said or did beyond how it was going to affect him, so I have just got used to making decisions myself or asking for advice elsewhere. Resentment has built and now I actively avoid giving him an opportunity to derail what will happen. It’s bad and I know a good position of blame belongs with me, but ultimately the relationship has broken down.
he did once speak to me about ‘shutting him out’ though, so he does appear unable to see where this started. Could that be the case here? What happens with decisions that don’t involve your daughter?

I am your wife in this set up.

For me it’s come about because he had zero interest in anything i said or did beyond how it was going to affect him, so I have just got used to making decisions myself or asking for advice elsewhere. Resentment has built and now I actively avoid giving him an opportunity to derail what will happen. It’s bad and I know a good position of blame belongs with me, but ultimately the relationship has broken down.
he did once speak to me about ‘shutting him out’ though, so he does appear unable to see where this started. Could that be the case here? What happens with decisions that don’t involve your daughter?

It does sound like you and your partner have difficulties with communication - is this just since you had your daughter? It's hard to say why she is being avoidant, maybe she feels that you are being difficult/controlling/don't want her to see her family? Do you spend time together watching tv/cooking/chilling out in the evenings or is she routinely taking herself off to another room and generally avoiding spending time with you? It sounds like she is possibly not happy in the relationship. If you want to talk to her, I'd start there, asking if she is unhappy.

It wouldn’t occur to me to have a discussion with my husband about visiting my sister who lives a couple of hours away, with our toddler

what did you envisage this discussion re logistics and your concerns entailing @Fandyman ?

Thanks for the honest reply — I get why, taken in isolation, “drive, logistics, stress” can sound dramatic. A long car journey on its own isn’t a big deal, and I’m not against travelling or my wife seeing her family in principle.
The context I probably didn’t explain clearly is this:
The drive is around 2.5–3 hours each way, and the proposal was either same-day return or staying overnight in very cramped conditions (small flat, unclear sleeping arrangements for a toddler). Airbnb was discussed but not realistically available at short notice.
This isn’t a one-off. Similar trips and pressures have come up repeatedly, and concerns are often raised after plans are already discussed with her sister, rather than before.
There’s also an added layer with my wife’s sister’s partner. The relationship there has been unstable for years, there’s been financial stress, poor communication, and when we’ve stayed before the atmosphere has been uncomfortable enough that even my wife has said she doesn’t feel at ease around him. That makes staying over with a small child feel very different from a straightforward family visit.
When I raise concerns, it’s not about “never travelling” — it’s about how decisions involving our child are made. I’m not saying “no”, I’m asking for a proper discussion before things are presented as decided.
I do take on board your point about whether I might come across as someone who raises obstacles. I’ve reflected on that a lot. The difficulty is that when I don’t raise concerns, I feel ignored; when I do, I’m told I’m blocking or overthinking — and over time that’s made actual conversation harder rather than easier.
What’s wearing me down isn’t the travel itself, but the pattern:
plans being discussed externally first,
avoidance when I ask to talk things through,
and then decisions being reframed as facts.
So yes — counselling probably is a good idea, not because either of us is “wrong”, but because the way we’re communicating clearly isn’t working for either of us anymore.
I appreciate you challenging the example though — it’s helpful to sanity-check whether I’m seeing the bigger picture or getting lost in one incident.

and I’m not against travelling or my wife seeing her family in principle.

that is big of you

op she wanted to see her sister. 2.5/3 hr journey for a toddler is not a big deal. FGS stop being so controlling

The drive is around 2.5–3 hours each way, and the proposal was either same-day return or staying overnight in very cramped conditions (small flat, unclear sleeping arrangements for a toddler)

stop making a mountain out of a molehill

You say the issue is plans being made before you’re told.

If im chatting with my family and they suggest we meet up/I visit etc I’m not going to hang up the phone and run to my husband because I haven’t talk about the idea with him first. I will discuss a proposed idea with my family and then go and raise it with my husband.

Your wife has the right to want to see her family and it sounds like it’s an issue for you and you raise every excuse in the book when she suggests the idea.

2.5/3 hours in the car really isn’t that big of a deal and if you don’t want to stay with the family get a local cheap hotel.

You say your wife has told you you’re blocking and over thinking and I have to agree. Stop being so rigid.

Look at staying at a premiere inn over night. You may need to drive up to an hour to find a cheap one but I find them to very family friendly.

It’s not easy communicating when you have a small child op. It’s when relationships often break down so you need to have one another’s back.

Reading your post, without wishing to sound rude, are you clear about your role as husband and father? That things have now changed so the focus isn’t on you?

Because if you are, then many things that formerly required discussion, should now be implicit

Eg my wife has a sister to whom she is close> my dd has an aunt> how can I assist and help them to see one another and make the trip as easy as possible for them, as it is inevitably going to happen?

Also, it helps if your concerns are legitimate. If your dd and wife are healthy, then there is no reason they can’t travel two hours away. We used to take our babies and toddlers 12 hrs away to see grandparents. I wouldn’t make much time for concerns that I considered spurious tbh.

Secondly, how hands on are you with with housework and your dd?

The reason I ask is that I would not be open to lots of discussions with my dh if he wasn’t doing or if I felt he didn’t have my back, wasn’t showing willing, wasn’t contributing equally to our home and our child (assuming you are both working ft) and contributing to the team effort, and was simply griping about his own needs.

Sorry if that sounds rude but you need to be clear in your mind that sure as eggs are eggs your wife will not be doing what she wants now she is a mother. It’s implicit. Being a mother for the first time is a relentless tough job. Your wife will have lost a lot of down time, will probably be sleep deprived and stressed out balancing job and baby. If you are not there helping and supporting practically through action, finding practical solutions to problems, not words, and stepping up to help, then she will be too full of resentment to want to discuss stuff that she will feel is obvious.

And if she feels you haven’t stepped up in a practical sense, your wife may feel pretty abandoned; resulting in a lack of trust, which is why she seeks emotional support from her family and not you. You are not being (through action) her safe place.

To use a very simplistic example; there is no need to discuss who does the laundry. It’s there. Just take responsibility and do it. Same as dinner comes around at six o’clock every evening. Who has planned it, shopped for it, cooked it and washed up? Same as there are loos and sinks that need cleaning. Who does that in your house? It’s implicit it all needs doing!

Having said all of that, to help your communication problems, why not instigate a 40 minute meeting with your wife every Friday night or Sunday about the week ahead. Take a notebook, Which of you is doing what?

And how about a weekly or fortnightly date night? You find the baby-sitter and plan the venue, invite your wife out and don’t ask her to make any decisions about it. You can ring fence the first 15 mins to talk about home and parenting, but then it’s just for you two to have fun together and to enjoy each other’s company.

I am certain you will find your wife more open to talk, if what you want to discuss is constructive and helpful for your family as a whole.

Good luck 💐.

One night of cramped conditions in a small flat with unclear sleeping arrangements for a toddler?

Seriously?

I think actually that the issue here IS her family. You don't want to go and see her sister and her partner who you don't like, made worse by the fact that the trip is not ideally comfortable.

Whereas for most of us, we accept that sometimes, you have to accept a bit of uncomfortable to do the things that are important - see family, show support for a siblign in a bad relationship etc.

I suspect it's only to do with visiting her family. YOu don't want to do it, you don't like it and that is why you're upset. I don't blame you entirely, but sometimes you have to suck it up.

I find this op a bit disturbing actually

I can see from some of the replies that the example about travelling has taken on a life of its own, so I want to clarify a few things because I think the core issue is getting lost.

First, this isn’t about me not allowing my wife to see her family. We have travelled longer distances when our daughter was younger, including trips that were more disruptive than this one. I’m not opposed to travel in principle, and I don’t believe that a 2.5–3 hour drive is inherently dangerous or impossible for a toddler.
What is difficult for me is the pattern around how decisions are made and communicated, especially when they involve our child.
Some additional context that may help:

• Over a month ago, my wife’s sister agreed to come and visit us instead. We planned around that. Our house is roughly twice the size, set up for hosting, and it would have been far less stressful with a toddler.
• Closer to the date, her sister backtracked, saying tickets were expensive, animals needed care, etc. That change wasn’t really discussed with me — the expectation simply flipped to us travelling instead.
• I wasn’t emotionally or practically prepared for that sudden change, particularly given past experiences staying there (very cramped conditions and an uncomfortable atmosphere due to her sister’s partner, which my wife herself has previously said she struggles with).

So when I raised concerns, they weren’t about “never travelling” — they were about:

• plans changing last-minute,
• discussions happening externally first,
• and then being presented to me as effectively decided.

That’s the bit that’s wearing me down. Several people have suggested I might be a worrier or that my wife may be exhausted by objections. I’ve reflected on that seriously. What’s hard is that I feel stuck in a bind:

• If I don’t raise concerns, I feel ignored and sidelined.
• If I do raise concerns, I’m told I’m blocking, overthinking, or being difficult.

And over time, that has led to less conversation, not more.

To give a more accurate example of how these conversations actually unfold (still simplified):

• I say: “Can we talk this through before anything is decided?”
• She responds by saying I don’t really have a say in this and that I’m being difficult.
• She brings up unrelated issues with my family to undermine my position.
• She says she’ll tell her family her version of events on a shared family chat.
• When I still ask for a joint discussion, she says she’ll go on her own with our child if needed.
• At that point, the conversation effectively ends — not because a decision was reached together, but because I’m shut out of it.

That’s the pattern I’m trying to describe — not one single trip.

I’ll be honest: I feel sad reading some of the more hostile replies. I came here trying to understand whether my expectations around partnership and joint decision-making are unreasonable, not to argue that my wife shouldn’t see her family or that I should have veto power.

I don’t want control. I want collaboration.

I also want to say clearly: I’m not claiming my wife is malicious. I think there’s a lot of stress, unresolved resentment, and poor communication on both sides — which is why I agree with those who’ve suggested counselling. Not because either of us is “wrong”, but because the current way we communicate is clearly failing both of us.

I appreciate the people who challenged me thoughtfully — even when it was uncomfortable — and I hope this makes clearer that the issue isn’t a car journey, but a relationship pattern that’s become unsustainable.

You do both need to discuss stuff.

But you are so formal in the way you write I have a bad feeling that you probably approach stuff like you are in a board meeting and maybe speak down to people, not just her. You sound so uptight.

I have discussed my personal life with all my sisters and they do the same. Obviously there are different levels of sharing. I have 4 sisters and a SIL and all of us have discussed our men folk.

Also op, sorry to add to the flack that you are getting, and this is very presumptuous of me to ask, but I find it odd that your priority on the last free Sunday morning before Christmas is to write a post essentially complaining about your wife?

My dh is out there getting petrol for the car, checking the tyres, buying some last minute DIY bits, cash for the bin men, and later on he will be making stock to freeze for Christmas gravy next week. And if he wasn’t and we had a young dd, he would have been taking her out in the pushchair while I did the above!

I only have time to be on Mumsnet this morning because I am recovering from an operation but I’m wrapping presents in bed! What are you doing in a practical sense to help with Christmas?

Apologies in advance if you are really hands on decorating the tree and making mince pies! 😄. In that case, I take it all back! 😄