Struggling with lack of communication and unilateral decisions – am I being unreasonable?

[Fandyman]

I’m posting here because I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives, especially from parents who’ve navigated similar dynamics.

I’ve been with my wife for around 10 years and we have a 2.5-year-old daughter. Since becoming parents, I’ve increasingly felt that proper communication between us has broken down – particularly around decisions that affect our child and family life.

The main issue is this:
I don’t feel we have any real space to talk things through as partners.

When our daughter is around, I avoid serious conversations because I don’t want arguments or tension in front of her. When she’s asleep or not around, my wife often withdraws – goes upstairs, avoids the conversation, or starts messaging her sister or mum instead.

As a result, important topics never really get discussed.

A recent example:
There was pressure for us to do a long trip (several hours each way) to visit her sister with our toddler. I had concerns about the drive, logistics, and stress for our daughter. Rather than sitting down and deciding together, plans were discussed with her sister first and then presented to me as more or less decided.

When I asked for a calm conversation before agreeing, things became tense. Eventually our daughter became ill and the trip didn’t happen. The next day my wife said something along the lines of: “Well, our daughter sorted it for you – now we don’t have to go.”

What upset me wasn’t the cancelled trip, but the lack of reflection or acknowledgement of the pressure beforehand. No “I can see why that was hard for you” – just moving on.

She then added that she plans to go alone with our daughter another weekend.

I feel that:

• decisions involving our child are sometimes made without proper joint discussion,
• my concerns are treated as obstacles rather than part of a shared decision-making process,
• I’m being informed of plans rather than included in them.

Another pattern I’ve noticed is that when there’s tension between us, my wife turns immediately to her family (especially her sister) for emotional support. I don’t want to isolate her from her family at all – but it does make me feel like our relationship isn’t the primary place where things are worked out.

I’ve suggested things like couples counselling, but even raising that feels impossible without defensiveness or withdrawal.

At this point I feel exhausted. I spend a lot of time analysing situations, wondering if I’m being unreasonable, and trying to work out how to create space for basic dialogue.

So I’d really appreciate honest views on:

• Is it normal to feel this worn down trying to get a conversation in a relationship?
• At what point does avoiding discussion become a serious problem?
• How do people handle situations where one partner avoids talking but still makes plans?
• Am I being unreasonable to expect decisions involving a child to be genuinely mutual?

I’m open to hearing where I might be getting this wrong as well.

Thanks for reading.

@Fandyman if a three hour drive and one night away (if you choose not to book accommodation) is your idea of an important topic requiring serious conversation I'm afraid I can see why your wife might find life with you a drag. It’s nothing! Nothing at all.

Shall we go and see my sister on Friday night?

Sure! Shall I put the sleeping bags in the boot or just book a Premier Inn?

Or

You know what, I’m really exhausted this week. Could we do it next Friday? Or do you want to take Darling Toddler by yourself?

That’s all. Nothing else required. Certainly not an hour of tense discussion. Your follow up post detailing your sister in law’s change of mind seems equally … overwrought. All this nonsense about your house being ‘set up for hosting’. Wtf?

The thing is, you have a toddler. Soon they’ll be at school and your lives will be full of both planned and impromptu activities, every day. No one has time for all this agonising and doom. You have to be prepared to lighten up, go with the glue, and accept that sometimes things won’t be exactly the way you would want. It’s telling that you don’t mention any fun at all in your household. Have you realised that?

I think if you’re finding yourself emotionally unprepared for and resistant to perfectly everyday changes of plan or minor inconvenience, it might be wise to seek professional help. If you receive a diagnosis of some particular issue your wife might feel less frustrated by your behaviour. Because otherwise domestic life with a growing child - the must unpredictable creature on earth - is only going to become more unbearable for you all.

Go with the flow!

The problem is way deeper than you not getting your own way with everything that happens with your toddler. Your wife doesn't like you and doesn't want to talk to you about anything.

'my wife often withdraws – goes upstairs, avoids the conversation, or starts messaging her sister or mum instead'

She is biding her time until she can escape permanently Id say, ducks in a row its called here. If that's not what you want I suggest you forget about trying to control her (and gathering opinions here on how right you are to justify your behaviour), and start figuring out what you can do to repair this rupture. But it might be too late.

Having read this update op, sorry you are upset, and I can understand that you are feeling very frustrated.

I think your post comes across like you may be a little inflexible. Not rolling with the punches of family life. As was said before, it’s better to help not hinder.

Also, the example you gave of your sil changing plans would have been much better dealt with by honesty. An acknowledgement that you yourself don’t want to visit because of the cramped conditions. It’s not really to do with toddler safety is it?

The other advice I would give is that in an equal partnership, you earn your say by doing. So if you step up and help and anticipate and initiate and make people’s lives easier; then they will stop and listen to you and take your point of view much more seriously.

If however, what you tend to do is worry, raise objections, over-think, analyse and leave others to do the practical stuff, then your credibility is shot and your perspective will be dismissed because you haven’t contributed enough.

Is your first reaction to an idea always negative, to look for the issues and to criticise? Because that is incredibly draining.

Forgot to say; parenting is the very definition of putting other people’s needs before your own. Every decision of your wife’s will be based on what is best for your dd.

And often, those decisions, because they involve a child, will be spontaneous.

Your posts come across - sorry - that you have not reached the stage of maturity yet to just accept and understand that and run with it without feeling it’s unfair!

When you have a child, within reason, your personal feelings take a back seat. You don’t complain.

And when you have a child; your original family often does become more important to you.

Maybe your wife’s upbringing and yours were very different? Was she living in a large family surrounded by cousins?

Have you both discussed what you envisage family life looking like? What your child’s life will look like ideally? What is important to you both? This sort of thing really needs to be discussed before marriage.

What is the power dynamic between you and your wife? From what you have written, it sounds like like she is leading and organising and you are following or objecting? How has this arisen? Have you been too passive? Are you making enough decisions? Are you taking the initiative?

Maybe your wife has got fed up of talking because she is constantly carrying the mental load of running a home and makes decisions all day? So she is not that bothered when you say you feel left out of the process?

Are you providing safety and comfort in difficult moments ? Can you be relied upon when times are stressful? Have you taken your dd off to see your family?

One last thing op. I know bringing up a child is a joint venture but there is a lot of practical stuff involved; there isn’t much time to analyse; just do!

But generally in life, we are free to make choices. You don’t need your wife’s permission or anyone’s permission to do anything and nor does she! Just do it op! And try and get a babysitter and make time for one another to meet up regularly to discuss.

Seems to me this is about what your family is - your DW thinks it’s her and the child, plus you; you think it’s your DW and you, plus the child.

you say you spend a lot of time “analysing things”. This may well come from a place of anxiety and insecurity, that your DW previously had time and energy for, but now does not.

i think your DW is not behaving in a collaborative way with you. You are as much entitled to have a say in decisions about the child as she is, and I’d be raging if my DH had simply made executive decisions about our DC like she is. Avoiding conversations, not caring to understand your PoV, not seeking to be collaborative, is pretty bad from a partner and if your post had been from a woman saying “my DH ignores my input into x area of family life” you’d have got different responses.

you sound very lost and i imagine you’re becoming more anxious. I wonder if some counselling for you would help, looking at your parents’ dynamics, your experiences of feeling unsafe or unconsidered as a child, for example.

frame the need To talk to her as “I want a family and relationship with you that will be good for all three of us, that makes us each fulfilled and happy, and I’d love to understand what this means for you, and to share what this means for me” maybe?

You don't like being sidelined in the decision-making process. Fair enough. Having said that, easy-going people generally aren't left out of decisions. You said you need to feel emotionally and practically prepared for these trips to her family. She then says she'll go without you but that is then also a problem. I can see why your wife has become worn down. She just wants to see her family but it always comes with an emotional price tag. She's decided to move away from consulting you as there will inevitably be an issue.
You talk about discussing these trips but what would that look like? "I don't feel comfortable there, I don't like the drive etc." What's there to discuss at that point? You clearly don't want to go so I'm not sure how a discussion would help. She then says she'll go alone and you're not happy that she's leaving you out of a plan that, even with discussion, was going to lead to you being unhappy and unwilling.
You might have a bit of a control issue, Op, and that's not going anywhere good if you don't address it.

I would be correct in thinking you and your wife’s sisters aren’t… on the best of terms.

I susie t your wife’s family are concerned.

How often does she see them?

Why did you marry her?

Forgive me for the assumption, but I am wondering whether you might be ND? Inflexibility, and difficulty communicating / understanding other people’s viewpoints, and high levels of anxiety, can all be traits.

We are an ND family - and over the years we have developed some ‘accommodations’ with things - so we all rub along quite well.

What this means in practice, is that I have a network of close female friends, who are my emotional sounding board, and my dh will fully accept that he struggles with those sort of conversations (he just doesn’t understand it - and would on occasion be known to utter ‘just pull yourself together’ when I had plucked up courage to tell him something that made me feel very vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong, he is my best friend, and I love him, and I love spending time with him (and he is an amazing hands on dad) - but I realised a long time ago that spouses shouldn’t necessarily meet all of your needs (as in my case, for the tricky emotional sounding board type stuff).

I think one thing that is missing from your posts, is any sense of compromise, in either direction. It sounds like you are both ‘my way, or the highway’ type of people. I think compromise is a tricky one - and is easy in a relationship when you are both feeling secure, and loved, and respected / valued.

If I was you - I would do some serious thinking about the above - are you both secure, loved, respected, valued? Then (and this might be contentious) - I would unilaterally make changes to the things I do / say, to make sure the other party feels loved, secure, respected etc. As you can’t change other people, only yourself. As I have found, making a unilateral change leads to a different environment, and could potentially model to the other person how you want to communicate / do things.

It is worth looking into things like ‘living with an ND husband or wife’ (there will be lots of online threads / groups, you can do some research and see if any of it resonates with you). Who knows, your wife may be ND too. (I think people gravitate towards those who are similar, in my experience).

You both need to learn to communicate better, and you need to understand that your wife needs a support network around, as well as you, and that this is natural, and normal, and is not in any way a criticism of you, as a husband (by the way, hyper sensitivity to perceived criticism is also an ND trait).

And, as pp said - make sure you are doing your most to keep the house running and actively parent your dd. You may not have picked up on that she may be very resentful, if things have slipped to a point where she is servicing all the household chores / needs.

Last thing - if you google… statistics show a spouse’s ND is quite often a reason that a couple separate - so it is critical you make an effort on this one (lots of online anecdata of couples splitting up then the (typically) dh gets an autism diagnosis.

You need to understand each other better. And understand what each other needs. Good luck!
edited to correct autocorrect

Me too.

There is a realky good book which you and your wife should consider reading, How not to hate your husband after kids. Rarely are issues in a relationship down to one person alone.

This all sounds so rigid. Like every decision being made requires some big discussion.
Even simple things like a day out require 'shared decision making'.

Of course it's reasonable to expect that a day out ( you will be attending) is discussed with you, But if your wife plans to take dc to spend the day with her sister, why does this need to have any discussion beyond her saying, next Sunday me and dc are going to spend the day with my sister .
It all sounds a bit intense tbh and is maybe why your wife is shutting down.
When dc were young, I took them on loads of days out that weren't even planned. I would just decide that morning to take them somewhere. If dp was at work, he wouldn't t even know we had gone somewhere until he called me at lunch time. There just wasn't any need for us to collaborate on something as simple as my days out with the dc.
It sounds like, from your perspective, everything needs to be meticulously planned and if something changes, you can't cope.
Your wife likely isn't the only one who needs to make changes.

You are using AI to synthesise yiur thoughts but that isnt helping in this case because AI is sycophantic and you are getting more clarity of expression, but not real insight.

Meanwhile, the issue is your wife's family. You dont want to visit them. This isnt about decision making. Its because you want to have the option to say No to spending time with yor sister in law amd her partner, especially at their house, and your wife is not putting up with that.

Frankly, I would say the i ly compromise here is not decisio making and planning, but whether you go with her st all.

I think you woild get better answers in here, and more clarity from ChatGBT, if you were honest with yourself about the underlying issue.

Tey asking chatfbt in the thread you have with it, if it thinks you have issues with your in laws

You might want to look through threads on mumsnet, as I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife has started threads about you, and being controlling and endlessly wanting to discuss things, and making her visiting her family difficult.

Are you autistic OP? Just wondering as you seem very rigid/black and white and seem to be really struggling with changes in plans. Most people don't need to be 'emotionally and practically prepared' to visit their SIL for a very short time.

Your wife should be able to visit her family without your permission, she says you don't have to go if you don't want to so what's the issue? You sound quite controlling.

What exactly are the issues with your family and why does she have 'unresolved resentment'? It sounds like neither of you like each other very much - and I'd suggest that that is what is at the heart of your communication issues.

You said in your previous update that your wife’s sister cancelled coming to you and asked for you to go to her due to pets etc and you were annoyed because you weren’t consulted.
What do you want your wife to do? She can’t control the fact her sister doesn’t want to come to you and she obviously still wants to see her sister so her going there is the next best thing.
Are you diagnosed autistic/ have you previously struggled in life with being thrown off with not being in control or plans being changed making you feel a certain way?

Are you still here, @Fandyman ?

you've had the inevitable stick-the-boot in posts that always come on mumsnet but you've also had some more thoughtful and intelligent posts.

Have to say that you seem willing to really think about your role in this, which is a really good start. But in your shoes I wouldn't be happy either.

I realise reading individual examples probably doesn’t show the full picture, so I want to add some broader context.

We moved to a new area just before our daughter was born and have had no local support network since. We are both long-term immigrants (over 20+ years here), so we didn’t have extended family nearby (apart from my wife's sister who also has a baby of similar age) or any local support network when our daughter was born. Both sides of our family had initially said they would help, but that support fell away very early on, leaving us completely on our own.

My wife lost her job after maternity leave and had episodes of depression. I worked from home throughout, under a lot of strain from ongoing house issues (including persistent heating problems), childcare pressure, and relationship stress — which eventually contributed to me losing a contract.

We made deliberate choices not to have a nanny at home and not to put our daughter into nursery very early, which in hindsight meant we carried everything ourselves for a long time.

There were also medical complications after the birth, which added to the anxiety in the first year.

None of this is about blaming either of us. I think we were both running on empty for a long time, and many of the communication problems I’m describing developed in that context rather than out of malice or control.

I’m trying to understand how two well-intentioned people ended up stuck in a dynamic that now feels unsustainable.

Keep in mind that Mumsnet has a known problem with some posters deliberately misunderstanding or trying to be adversarial, @Fandyman Take what's useful from the posts (even if it's tough-talking useful) and ignore the rest.

Either way this sounds unsustainable and I sincerely hope that you can go to counselling with her and get somewhere. You sound completely shut out at the moment.

I wonder if it is that DW sees the organisation and planning as her job as SAHM? I think you need to start talking to her - about plans or just saying tonight do you fancy watching some thing on TV together, the next seriea of x you like is out.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar Thank you - that’s a fair and balanced take. I’m trying to separate what’s useful from what isn’t, and you’re right that the feeling of being shut out is the part I’m struggling with most. Counselling does feel like the only constructive way forward at this point. Unfortunately my wife isn’t open to counselling at the moment, so I’m going to seek some support on my own for now.

So your SIL is the only close relative or contact your wife has close by? Or has that changed now?

If your wife is a SAHM, I think it can make this stuff more difficult. She's the one doing the childcare day in day out and it's not unreasonable for her to feel that this means she'll have experience that carries some weight. That doesn't mean she should always take the decisions and of course you are equally a parent, but if she's the one dealing with parenting day to day it can feel belittling if you then come home and start trying to tell her what's what.

Equally, part of making decisions is understanding the timing of decisions. My husband used to have a habit of suggesting Christmas presents for the children on Christmas Eve (when their presents had already been bought) or suggesting dinner ideas when the shopping was already done and so on, meaning I'd either have to rush about rearranging things at the last minute or else say it wasn't possible and then feel dictatorial- neither of which made us very happy.

My point is that decision-making is not something that just happens at a single moment in time. Decisions are taken in the broader context of planning, administration, organisation, practical experience etc etc. If both parents want to make decisions then both parents need to be involved in all of this. That's hard when one of you is working and one is a SAHP- it's obviously not practical for the working parent to have the same involvement as the SAHP- so the working parent ends up feeling sidelined. Meanwhile the SAHP feels undermined because it seems as if the effort they're making all day every day doesn't really count for anything with their other half. Then both of you start feeling resentful.

I can remember feeling absolute fury when I'd spent significant time working out plans for X (a holiday, say), thinking everything through, and my husband would then rock up and say "how about we do Y instead?" on the spur of the moment. It wasn't that I was wedded to X or opposed to Y but rather the lightness with which he did it, which made clear that he had absolutely no idea of the amount of effort already expended.

The solution is to talk about all this. It's hard though. Might get easier if your wife goes back to work. It also helps to remember that you are finding this stuff hard because it is hard- it's not necessarily anyone's fault.

Yes - she’s the closest family contact geographically, although she’s still a couple of hours away. My wife is close to her emotionally, which I understand. My hesitation isn’t about cutting off family contact, but about how visits are handled and whether concerns can be discussed openly beforehand rather than after plans are already set. There have been occasions in the past where staying overnight there didn’t feel particularly easy for us, which is why I’ve asked to talk through arrangements carefully rather than defaulting to staying over.