Struggling with lack of communication and unilateral decisions – am I being unreasonable?

[Fandyman]

I’m posting here because I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives, especially from parents who’ve navigated similar dynamics.

I’ve been with my wife for around 10 years and we have a 2.5-year-old daughter. Since becoming parents, I’ve increasingly felt that proper communication between us has broken down – particularly around decisions that affect our child and family life.

The main issue is this:
I don’t feel we have any real space to talk things through as partners.

When our daughter is around, I avoid serious conversations because I don’t want arguments or tension in front of her. When she’s asleep or not around, my wife often withdraws – goes upstairs, avoids the conversation, or starts messaging her sister or mum instead.

As a result, important topics never really get discussed.

A recent example:
There was pressure for us to do a long trip (several hours each way) to visit her sister with our toddler. I had concerns about the drive, logistics, and stress for our daughter. Rather than sitting down and deciding together, plans were discussed with her sister first and then presented to me as more or less decided.

When I asked for a calm conversation before agreeing, things became tense. Eventually our daughter became ill and the trip didn’t happen. The next day my wife said something along the lines of: “Well, our daughter sorted it for you – now we don’t have to go.”

What upset me wasn’t the cancelled trip, but the lack of reflection or acknowledgement of the pressure beforehand. No “I can see why that was hard for you” – just moving on.

She then added that she plans to go alone with our daughter another weekend.

I feel that:

• decisions involving our child are sometimes made without proper joint discussion,
• my concerns are treated as obstacles rather than part of a shared decision-making process,
• I’m being informed of plans rather than included in them.

Another pattern I’ve noticed is that when there’s tension between us, my wife turns immediately to her family (especially her sister) for emotional support. I don’t want to isolate her from her family at all – but it does make me feel like our relationship isn’t the primary place where things are worked out.

I’ve suggested things like couples counselling, but even raising that feels impossible without defensiveness or withdrawal.

At this point I feel exhausted. I spend a lot of time analysing situations, wondering if I’m being unreasonable, and trying to work out how to create space for basic dialogue.

So I’d really appreciate honest views on:

• Is it normal to feel this worn down trying to get a conversation in a relationship?
• At what point does avoiding discussion become a serious problem?
• How do people handle situations where one partner avoids talking but still makes plans?
• Am I being unreasonable to expect decisions involving a child to be genuinely mutual?

I’m open to hearing where I might be getting this wrong as well.

Thanks for reading.

Just to explain what I’ve been experiencing on a daily basis when trying to discuss anything non-trivial: the problem isn’t constant disagreements - it’s that attempts to discuss decisions are treated as decisions themselves, and then used to discredit me, which makes genuine conversation impossible.

To explain what I mean, this is the pattern I experience:
I say something like:
“Can we sit down and talk this through properly?”
(I’m talking about how we decide.)
She responds with:
“But you already said you’re not going.”
(My request for discussion is treated as a decision.)
When I try to clarify:
“No — I didn’t say we shouldn’t go. I said I want us to talk first.”
That clarification is reframed as:
“You’re changing your story / you’re manipulating / this is what your brother says you do.”

At that point the original topic is lost and my intention is questioned. I feel that my credibility is attacked and I end up defending my integrity rather than discussing the issue.

That’s what I mean when I say conversation power disappears - not because we disagree, but because I can’t safely clarify or slow things down without being reframed as acting in bad faith. That kind of interaction is extremely exhausting for me, and I’m aware that not everyone will have experienced this type of communication breakdown.

It sounds as if she's decided to go without you and doesn't want to reopen an irrelevant debate.

I think this is where we’re talking at slightly different levels. I’m not trying to reopen the destination or outcome — I’m trying to explain that what feels unsustainable for me is not having space to discuss decisions before they’re treated as final. Once something is already decided, there isn’t really a conversation to be had.

@NextDG‘s long post is outstandingly excellent and you would do well to read it several times, @Fandyman.

I have to add - and perhaps it’s nothing more than a matter of personality - hearing the words Can we sit down and talk this through properly? being repeated over every, tiny, run of the mill decision would drive me insane. I’d want to scream. Or run away. It’s just not how I want life to be. Decisions are made on the hop - a to and fro in the midst of living. And things can change. Someone might change their mind; get a better offer; find their car won’t start; or whatever. You can’t take these things as a personal attack on you or a deliberate undermining of your right to be consulted. That’s not what it means.

The way you describe your domestic life sounds as if your wife wants to be zipping along - but keeps meeting a snag, which is you.

"LocalFriend"

You sound intense and too much. I bet you want to ‘discuss’ everything.

Have you actually proposed real-time solutions… you don’t want to stay with them but have you picked hotels locally or slightly further afield for the night to support your wife going? So she can see you support going but maybe want a little more comfort? ( if that’s the case) From reading your posts ( and possibly between the lines), you don’t much like her sister and definitely don’t like the partner, you feel uncomfortable in their home, particularly overnight. Your sister however wants to see and support her sister ( she may also feel like this but is putting those feelings aside to support her relationship with her sister.).

The relationship with her sister is always going to be there, how you approach this is up to you. Personally I would be on Google and suggesting b and b or hotel options that are available ( there will be some you just need to look!) and reopening the conversation with honesty, it’s not about the toddler or the journey it’s your discomfort in the home of your sil. Maybe if you’re truthful she might better understand your reluctance and how you can both meet in the middle.

Actually you do spund controlling and like you want to put up road blocks to her visiting her sister.
What exactly do you need to talk about every time she decides to see her sister?

What I would say from someone in a shaky relationship also with very young children:

1. I tend to seek emotional support elsewhere because he has proven time and time again that he can’t / won’t give it when I need it
2. I tend to also make plans in entirety and then present them because if I don’t then I get accused of never planning anything / leaving it all up to him
3. not everything can be a jointly made decision. If she is the primary carer and that is the dynamic you have agreed upon - with her doing more care, putting in more physical and emotional effort, being ‘on the ground’ for more time - then you have to trust her to make lots of small and some big decisions every day. Again my partner sometimes tries to micromanage or accuses me of leaving him out of decisions and I’ve told him to back off. If he’s trusted me to be the primary carer he has to trust that I make good decisions (and be supportive if I sometimes get it wrong - you know, like we are all meant to with each other most of the time).

You're not my partner but perhaps that’s some food for thought. To be honest reading your post made me feel tired and stressed which is not unfamiliar

Why do you have to ask to down and talk? Can’t you say I’m making a cuppa, do you want a drink? And then when you come back say so, what’s the plan for you going to your sister’s or the weekend or whatever it is.

That’s a fair challenge. To clarify — I’m not opposed to solutions like hotels in principle. The difficulty is that the conflict tends to arise before we can calmly explore those options, because by the time I’m trying to talk things through, the plan has already been framed as settled and my hesitation is treated as obstruction.
You’re right that my discomfort staying overnight there is part of it, and I’ve tried to explain that. What’s been hardest is not the lack of options, but the lack of space to discuss them without things escalating into accusations or ultimatums.

I have read your messages and you come across as someone who puts up hurdles.

For none of the issues have you presented a solution. Even how you’ve written “can we talk about it?” feels like a lead weight.

So you don’t want to travel? So what’s the solution that you are proposing? All we heard are the problems and “in principle”’ answers - but no actual solution.
What proposal have you suggested to your wife for the visit to her sister.

My guess that is why your wife avoids conversation with you- you get bogged down going nowhere and just making problems.

Something very odd is going on here. Your wife withdraws (leaves the room etc) you said in your first post; you feel that she twists what you say if you try to talk to her, and she's not open to marriage counselling.

I am sorry to have to ask this, but do you think she wants out of the narriage? Is she ever warm and loving, or even friendly? If not, when was the last warmth she showed you? Have you been able to be intimate at all? ( dont answer that here, it's a question for you alone)

When did she change, and why?

Im sorry, @Fandyman , but I think there's a real chance the problems in your relationship go very deep.

Your wife is the CEO since having the baby.

Are you neurodivergent by any chance? It seems that she could reason with you before having the baby but now has lost all patience with you and your opposing opinions. Your input is not wanted or needed, you are just making extra work for her.

It seems she is in charge now.

You need to come to her with solutions not problems. “Helen, I find staying over night at your sister a bit uncomfortable and think it’s a long journey to go there and back in one day. So I have found a couple of hotels we could stay in instead. What do you think of these hotels?”

You're thinking very very carefully about all this OP but maybe something more lighthearted is the answer. Could you arrange to have a couple of quiet drinks together and ask her to say - honestly - whether you're driving her mad with all your deliberations? It make help break out of the rut you are both stuck in.

I think I’d be sick of discussions too if everytime I wanted to see my sister who was my only near by relative and my husband came up with every excuse under the sun for us not to go.

Why don’t you just tell her to go alone with your child and spend some quality time with her sister. Why do you all need to go together if you don’t enjoy it?

Sorry OP but you do sound quite hard work. You don’t particularly want to visit your sister in law. Your dw does and is perfectly happy to do the journey herself. What needs discussing?

I have to agree with other posters. You sound exhausting.

A trip to see her sister doesn't require sitting down to talk about it. At most, it requires a, "argh, I find staying there so hard. Lets stay in a hotel... I will look for something". Or "argh, I find it so uncomfortable, do you mind if I skip this one?"

Your posts on here are just AI regurgitation trying to justify how you feel. You haven't come up with a si gle suggestion of how you think this discussion should go. I think because, deep down, you want the "calm discussion" to be her agreeing with you and validating you.

I imagine this poor woman’s heart plummets whenever she knows the drama and talking that preceded her visiting her sister.

OP, you sound utterly exhausting (even your posts on here are long, wordy, patronising).

and my hesitation is treated as obstruction.

you should not be hesitating about your wife visiting her sister FGS

OP are you using ChatGPT to formulate your posts entirely from bullet points, or are you writing in your native language and have it give a translation? Just that the detached and Americanised tone of what you're writing almost definitely won't be what you're saying and hoe you're coming across to your wife, so I find it quite hard to advise you based on that. Can't you just write in your own words? The naturally patronising tone of ChatGPT is probably contributing to you getting a hard time in this thread

Regardless of Chat GPT the OP is one of a family with a growing toddler. Try sitting a very soon 5 / 10 /15 year old down to discuss your feelings over every party, every trip, every outfit.

He hasn’t been able to come up with any other instances beyond his dislike of his SIL and her home. He hasn’t mentioned any mutual friends he and his wife visit together. He hasn’t mentioned days out, or holidays or any pleasant time they spend together, at all.

It needs … intervention. Because otherwise he’s soon going to be causing his daughter misery and frustration too - and composing threads to ask why.

Geeeez. Lots of words here....
Basically to summarise from your post

1. You didnt want to take your daughter on a 3 hour car trip (why?) Children love adventures....we think nothing of a 3 hour trip to a theme park and back.....

1. You guys dont communicate well at all. Does she feel like you are trying to control her with words? Sounds like she finds it hard to talk to you so is talking to her family.

When you want to communicate with her is it because you want to get your way? Do you come across like that in person?

If you want to fix this you need to start again from scratch and communicate from a neutral point. Can someone watch your daughter and you go out and lay out what's going on for you? As ultimately you cannot continue like this. Your daughter will be picking up on all of this, the vibes etc