Dad had stroke - struggling to forgive mum

[Cardinalita90]

My dad had a stroke this week. I found out by fluke when he accidentally called me, was crying and told me he couldn't read. Told my mum (who was with him) could be a sign of a stroke and to get help. My sibling called them 40 mins later, his speech was garbled, my mum still hadn't called for help and had made him an alcoholic drink.

Long story short, I ended up calling 999 myself and turned out it was a stroke and bleed on the brain. He's in hospital and my mum has no concerns about how she handled it, and has accused me of trying to control everything. Prompted by me asking her if the hospital have her contact details and down as next of kin (she doesn't know and hasn't bothered to ask). I admit I can have a controlling nature sometimes but it really angered me because if I hadn't taken control, my dad wouldn't be alive.

I haven't said any of this to her because she's extremely defensive and the last thing we need is to fall out. But i feel so shaken by her poor judgement, scared of what'll happen in future if he falls ill again and I'm not there, and I feel like I'm the only one dealing with reality while she faffs about sorting clean pajamas and chocolate for him and ignoring the stuff that matters. Any advice?

Dad could have called the ambulance himself, of course. I'm not blaming him for not doing, but I'm not sure why you're only angry with your mum.

My grandfather was alone when he had a stroke that affected his speech severely. He still dialled 999 and the call handler recognised what was happening, traced the call, and sent an ambulance.

Sorry I’m going to say this with unkindness.

if it wasn’t for you and your brother, your dad would be dead, and you’re avoiding a conversation with your incapable and downright idiotic mother because she’s defensive? No, you have the conversation asap. And if she doesn’t like it, tough shit

My dad had a heart attack a few years ago. It was luck that I walked in and he was very grey and said he had fainted. My mum was just confused about what to do ( i think for her 999 is for almost dead emergency) and as my dad was talking and not in pain she didn't know what to do. When I said let's call 999 she wasn't sure and I think it's because she didn't want to accept that it was serious. I persuaded them to call 111 who said get to a&e.

I would have a debrief with your mum in a few days if you can.
On the other hand MIL refused to get off the phone when my DP ( teenager at time) had seriously burnt his face and hands! Clearly needed urgent ambulance and she kept pushing people away who wanted to house phone call 999!( before mobile phones). Before that even younger DP had an accident when he almost severed his leg full off, blood everywhere he is about to bleed to death and she is just screaming at him for making a mess by bleeding and went to get mop and bucket to clean!! Luckily neighbours had seen the accident and called 999! Other wise he would be dead. MIL has no concept that she stupid and ridiculous in these too suitations ! So some people are just selfish and stupid when others are ill.

Is your mom usually of a nervous disposition?

What is her relationship with your dad like?

I can understand why you're upset, and the whole thing sounds abnormal.

This is exactly why your anger at your mum is misplaced, OP. Parents do tend to minimise serious health matters (while often complaining constantly about minor niggles that don't matter), and your mum may lack confidence in her abilities and possibly feels she isn't able to 'take the lead' and over-rule whatever your father says. He probably told her he was fine, possibly to protect her, possibly for some other reason. Maybe she didn't recognise the severity of the situation and hoped he would improve shortly. Maybe she panicked and didn't know what to do. Neither you nor your sibling immediately called an ambulence, so I'm not sure why you are so angry at your mum for not doing so either.

I'm sorry you've had such a scare and your dad is ill. I don't think there is anything to forgive your mum for though. You've absolutely no idea what was going on in the house at that time and why she acted the way she did. All you can do for the future is to talk to both of your parents about putting you or your sibling down as the emergency contact and, possibly getting a health and welfare power of attorney in place. Ask the hospital team/council for a care assessment when your dad leaves hospital - they will probably recommend things like grab rails, a fall alarm etc. Perhaps also arrange with your parents to call once a day, every day, at a set time, to check all is ok?

So sorry to hear this OP. My granddad did the same when my grandma had a stroke.
In his case it was a symptom of never organising or taking control of anything in his life very much, plus not wanting to 'unnecessarily' bother the emergency services.
Our family never forgot that one.

I've been in a situation with my mother when I felt she needed medical attention but she insisted she didn't. She's a grown up with capacity, am I supposed to overule her?

It sounds like your mother was in the same situation with your father. He was playing it down and wanted a drink. Does she have more authority over his health decisions than he does?

It sounds like it's your Dad you should be mad at, if anyone.

Gosh, surely everyone knows that prompt medical attention is paramount when dealing with a stroke? I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to come to terms with her inaction.

I understand this. My grandad had a broken hip and my gran said a cup of tea and an aspirin should be enough and to stop whining. We found out as we phoned them by chance and she moaned he was being annoying.

you just have to know that people are doing the best they can in the moment. Then take control. I’m sorry you and your dad are going through this. Focus on you knowing you needed to do something and doing it. You’ll also know next time.

Why on earth would one adult have the authority to overrule another on decisions regarding their own health?

well if that’s the relationship dynamic that the dad always gets final say it is his fault.

Is your mum a bit helpless and just defers to your dad, even when it's obviously not the right thing (like with this)? Could she have a hierarchy of people to call when anything happens with an agreement that she'll do whatever they tell her and it can then be 'blamed' on them. "Sorry Bob, I know you didn't want an ambulance called but Sarah insisted".

Because if someone’s having a stroke then they might not have the capacity to decide if they need to go to hospital.

Well, some of this is on your dad for creating an environment where his wife is scared to overrule him in times of emergency.

Sounds like in this instance you do need to be controlling - it doesn’t sound like your dm can be trusted to take the best care of your df.

Maybe, but that's not what happened here. DF was well enough to recognise he was unwell and call his DD, who told him he needed an ambulance. He ignored it as much as DM did.

You should inform socoal services. He might need to go into care as he is unsafe around her.

Totally agree and its unfair of your DM, OP to call you "controlling". What you are is competent, whereas she is not and has thrown this accusation at you because she knows she messed up and was not competent herself.

Thank goodness you did intervene. I hope your DSF is recovering well and is OK. Going forward you and any siblings? need to make a plan to ensure other incidents are treated better. Would they accept a careline, for example, or a care fob?
As for your forgiveness question, maybe that can wait until there is more clarity about their situation. In your shoes I would find the "controlling" accusation quite hard, given that without your actions DF would be dead or more disabled. Perhaps your DM is in some decline herself? 💐

Never underestimate someone’s ability to totally deny a situation they don’t want to deal with. Been there.

Thank you for all the support and (mostly) kind words. Fortunately I didn't see the deleted posts.

Just to clarify, my dad didn't call me for help. He accidentally pressed the call button while trying to read a whatsapp I'd sent him. It became obvious there was something wrong . I told my mum to get help and gave her some time to call an ambulance because i wasn't there and didn't know the full picture. As soon as I found out she hadn't, I did. So I can sleep easy with my own actions.

They adore each other but there's an age gap so I think my mum trusts my dad's judgement on everything because she didn't have a lot of life experience when they met. You've given me food for thought about anger being misplaced. We're waiting for an important scan on Monday and while he's safely in hospital I'm not sure bringing it up will achieve anything. When we know the results and its less raw, I'll have to think about the best way to get through to her as I know she'll shrug me off.

My wife’s grandparents/parents were like this. Used to call DW ‘the boss’ because she was the only one that would proactively take charge. If it wasn’t for DW her DGM wouldn’t have been diagnosed with lymphoma and she’d have died a horrible death at home. Her calcium was so dangerously high that she was admitted to hospital when they finally her saw her for emergency treatment. Calling her the boss was a mean joke, not a nice nickname.

But she continued to support them, DGM before her cancer, couldn’t wake her husband in the morning and waited hours before calling the ambulance because she didn’t want to overreact. He died sadly.

i would just try and move on as it’s probably a generational thing. Not wanting to make a fuss. Keep doing what you’re doing, don’t let your mums defensiveness drive you away. They both will need you to advocate for them at some point

Do your parents have Lasting Power of Attorneys (LPA)? When the dust has died down and hopefully your DF still has capacity is to put it place so you and/or your siblings (if you have any) can make decisions should either of them lose mental capacity.

Something similar happened with relatives. One has a stroke - lost power in arm and leg, couldn't walk. Her son didn't realise to call an ambulance even though she was shuffling about on the floor to get around. For 2 days! Neither of them thought to call us

Eventually her friend visited and insisted she go to the doctor ( she was still refusing an ambulance).

People can make very odd decisions in these situations.

Can you specifically coach her that

a) he may not always be the best judge of how he is

b) as his wife she has the right to call for medical help if she believes he needs it, or suspects he needs it, even if he's saying he doesn't

c) she can always call you or your sister to check if she's not sure

The constructive forward conversation might be along the lines of:

Now he’s demonstrated his judgement isn’t great, and that’s fair enough because it’s hard to make sensible judgements for yourself, what can we agree between us so can identify and make a sensible judgement on when to call an ambulance. Given now hes had one stroke hes at much higher risk of another.