Dad had stroke - struggling to forgive mum

[Cardinalita90]

My dad had a stroke this week. I found out by fluke when he accidentally called me, was crying and told me he couldn't read. Told my mum (who was with him) could be a sign of a stroke and to get help. My sibling called them 40 mins later, his speech was garbled, my mum still hadn't called for help and had made him an alcoholic drink.

Long story short, I ended up calling 999 myself and turned out it was a stroke and bleed on the brain. He's in hospital and my mum has no concerns about how she handled it, and has accused me of trying to control everything. Prompted by me asking her if the hospital have her contact details and down as next of kin (she doesn't know and hasn't bothered to ask). I admit I can have a controlling nature sometimes but it really angered me because if I hadn't taken control, my dad wouldn't be alive.

I haven't said any of this to her because she's extremely defensive and the last thing we need is to fall out. But i feel so shaken by her poor judgement, scared of what'll happen in future if he falls ill again and I'm not there, and I feel like I'm the only one dealing with reality while she faffs about sorting clean pajamas and chocolate for him and ignoring the stuff that matters. Any advice?

OP I'd feel the same as you and being controlling has nothing to do with it. I hope you're dad makes a full recovery or as near as possible.

How old are your parents. Is it time to think about employing carers to help them out with everyday tasks?

What about their relationship dynamic would make it difficult for her to phone an ambulance?

It is really common OP - mine have both failed to ask for help when the other has needed it. I have run through scenarios and have left numbers etc but they are trained to call me if nothing else. It’s the future I am afraid - you sort the big issues and it takes patience, brain space and practical care. It’s tough.

But.... he called you. He was aware enough that something was wrong and called you. What was stopping him dial 3 different numbers ... 999 ... himself? Instead, he asked for a drink.

And you didn't call either if you felt someone should call to have him checked out.

This isn't entirely on your mum.

sometimes people get confused and dithery when things go wrong. My very bright and intelligent Gran accidentally cut her finger off with a lawnmower. Whole finger, literally. She called the GP, and when she couldn’t get an appointment, she called her neighbour to see what she thought. Her elderly neighbour drove her slowly to the hospital. But which time it was obviously too late to save the finger. She never could explain why she didn't simply call 999!

Shock, pain and blood loss, perhaps? I don't think many people are fully with it when they've just amputated a part of their body - and then compounded by the GP appointments system.

How old are they both OP?

Something different but similar happened with my inlaws...

Emotions were high about their "failure"...
While immediately family (like you) were getting annoyed... I as an outsider was saying "hmmm... I really think something is wrong with X. Their behavour is really off and i think they need to be checked out too"

While the hospitalised partner was in hospital it became clear there was medical degenerative issue with the other partner (it was a secondary brain tumour which was ultimately terminal within a year).

There was A LOT of guilt/regret in the family about their treatment of this family member.

Not saying it's this...
But historically if she is a normal sensible person her response is totally off and implies impaired judgement and i 'd want to rule it out.
Could be anything from a UTI to something serious... or just a bad judgement call.

Hold off on the anger until you are sure there's nothing wrong with your mum too.

Ever minute counts when someone has a stroke. I would find this very very hard to understand and move past.

Oh. Ouch! Clinical shock, I expect.

Do you know what your dad said about his symptoms & calling for help?
My fil was really unwell and mil wouldn't call an ambulance because fil was saying not to. He ended up passing away which still would have happened despite her not calling ambulance but he might not have gone through as much suffering. We couldn't believe she wouldn't make the decision by herself seeing how unwell he was.

Report your concerns to adult social care maybe? (Sounds awfully stressful for you)

A neighbour knocked on the door one day asked DH to pop round to check on her husband. He did go was gone ages. It was so bizarre he said husband he believed had a stroke, was slurring but insisted on his lunch. His wife was barred from calling an ambulance so after his lunch got him in the car and wife drove him to the hospital.

They waited 32 hours at A&E for him to be admitted. A few days later hospital diagnosed stroke. He was discharged with physio advice.

They didn't phone their children who could have helped. They were both passive about it.

Was a strange thing

Could your mum have early dementia?

It sounds as if your mum may have been in denial about what had happened and/or unable to respond adequately due to shock. People can behave strangely in moments of extreme stress. I would try not to blame her and instead maybe focus on what you can all do if something like this happens in future eg checklist for calling 999.

People can have major fight or flight reactions. My own mother is one of them, her flight reaction is nothing short of hopping aboard a space shuttle to escape any medical situations like this.

Nasty. You have no eidence whatsoever that OP is in any way abusive towards her mother.

Fucking hell waiting an hour before calling is madness. You must be very angry with your mother and also in shock thinking of what might have been if your dad hadn't called you. Thank god he did.

Your dad sounds like a competent adult. There were two of them in the house. They decided between them a calming drink was appropriate. They get to make that decision.

If you were that concerned you could have called back to check what was going on. You could have called an ambulance yourself. You chose to leave it to their judgement.

If he’d been incapacitated on the floor then Thats solely down to her judgement. From what you’ve described it was a joint approach between them.

Get frustrated at the situation. Not an individual.

😂😂 Have you been taking psychedelics?

My grandparents were a bit like this when they were both over 90, I think due to deafness, poor eyesight and falling asleep a lot. They literally couldn't see each other properly or hear half of what the other one was saying. My grandfather died of other causes but towards the end a brain scan showed evidence of a small stroke at some point, which was news to me. Wouldn't be at all surprised if he had been slurring words a bit or showing any other symptoms, and granny just didn't notice. Not saying this is what happened with you, but in some cases I think older people do just fail to see / hear things that we would notice.

Some of these responses are ridiculous & clearly didn't even read the OP.

I would be upset too.