Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

You're not compatible, he wants sex and you don't. Huge issue, can't be fixed. Definitely not ok for him to never have/rarely have sex and definitely not ok for you to have sex you don't want. So that's that.

Unless you are willing to have him have sex with other women, which brings its own issues and could leave to him leaving anyway.

So, yes, he will leave you, it is inevitable and so the sooner the better would be kinder to you both. It's a pity, but it is what it is is.

Sounds like he's quite a decent man overall, so hopefully it won't be too ugly when you divorce

This is stark, but it's not wrong.

Right. When my husband had a very low sex drive for a couple of months (due to meds he was on) I hated it. I didn't hassle him of course, but was SO glad this was temporary and SO glad when that period ended. I missed sex, missed his body and missed being desired very much.

The way the human brain works is that the pathways that get used the most get myelinated. Therefore, generally speaking, the more you have sex, the more you want it. And the less you have it, the less you want it. You're not going to get your sex drive up if you don't fire up those systems. Encourage him to come to bed earlier and lie naked together. No pressure for anything to happen but the proximity of each other's naked bodies will start to awaken your senses a bit. Keep doing that regularly and you might just start to want some intimacy.

She wasn't even willing to discuss her sex avoidance over the last 23 years, so I doubt she'd be willing to do anything that might actually cause sex to happen.

She didn't want much sex in her late teens and early 20s, when most of us were gagging for it.

Whatever is going on with her is not his issue to solve and he's getting older by the minute. I don't often feel sorry for men on mumsnet, but I pity this bloke. I hope he leaves her and finds someone who wants him as soon as January rolls round tbh.

Did he knows you always assumed he was only being affectionate in the hope it would lead to sex? Because I'd stop too, if it was never taken at face value.
It sounds more like he's given up full stop because he just doesn't feel like he is a priority to you any more in general, (rather than it just beint about sex) seeing as that was never frequent anyway.
And lets face it, he hasn't been a priority has he? The least someone can expect on their 40th birthday is a gift from their wife.

I wonder if you’re both so inexperienced that you don’t enjoy sex because you don’t orgasm?

Before the children were born did you actually spend time playing, to discover what turned you both on?

It might be time to see a sex therapist to reset and really explore each other properly.

If you don’t get anything from it, you won’t want to do it, but he can’t carry on like this, he is really suffering, don’t go into the new year without making changes, you’re risking losing him.

OP you acknowledge you messed up, you apologised but what about booking a weekend away next month - his 42nd birthday? Show him you love him & care about his feelings. The alternative is you split up and he goes on to find a caring & loving partner who finds him attractive in a sexual way. If you want to save your relationship & marriage do get professional help.

Op what are your Christmas plans? You could start now by making him your focus and him knowing it

This reads to me a version of the 40 year old virgin and put sex on a pedestal and it’s become such a big deal, the circumstances have to be exactly right and you if you suspect he is doing something for sex then it’s a no.

I think you need to make a decision on whether you want a sex life with your husband or whether you don’t and split. Honestly I don’t think many people would cope with two decades of infrequent sex and still sort you out a very thoughtful birthday and have stayed with you for so long.

If you decide you want to make the marriage work, then I think it means that you need to want a physical and sexual relationship with him. I wouldn’t want you to have sex you don’t want, but I do think you need to analyse your feelings about it and relax them if possible. I couldn’t tell you how many times my DH and I had sex in a given year. I don’t count. I also don’t think it’s wrong for anyone to do something nice for their spouse with the hope of sex partially in their mind. I don’t mean that I think you should have sex as DH washed up, but I don’t think him taking you out for a weekend away and hoping, but not pushing, for sex is wrong.

Also you say he didn’t initiate, after a lot of rejections and very infrequent sex, his ego is probably squashed and he probably doesn’t see the point as the chances are it will be a no. Have you ever initiated sex? If yes has it only been to get pregnant?

The OP’s narrative is so irritating that I’m wondering if it’s a reverse. There is supposed recognition of the issue (a generalised acknowledgment of wrong done) but it’s lacking in any specific sense that the OP will actually act (e.g. get that birthday surprise booked!!). This is such a frustrating read for us as strangers, I can only imagine what it’s like for the husband.

@ThatBlackCat "Women are in their sexual prime in their 30s and 40s." Wtf?! 😅

What planet are you on? A lot of women are in perimenopause in their 40s definitely not their sexual prime! Where the hell did you get that from?

Without a shadow of a doubt, women are in their sexual prime in their late teens, 20s and maybe into their 30s.

If you're going to be a 'font of knowledge' to berate the OP with, maybe check your knowledge! Or are you a man ? 😅

I’m 46 and perimenopausal and I would describe this as my sexual prime because I am confident in who I am and what I want and relaxed enough to enjoy sex.

Actually, a lot of women do have a real surge of sexual desire in their 40s. I certainly did. It was fabulous!

Oh mt

listen I totally understand. I was so sorry sick a nearly died after my babies that we didn’t have sex for about 18 months each time. I felt horrific and then after that my sex drive disappeared. I had hormone issues and that recovered and I had some treatments and suddenly my sex drive went beyond. Like 4 times a day. Couldn’t get enough.

ire gone back to not wanting it. Plus I’ve put on lots of weight and other embarrassing health issues means I don’t like people near me

i do know if my husband cried though that I’d be devastated

I think it’s time to go see the dr and a marriage councillor and see if you can get it back on track. X

Please seek professional help for this complex situation. The emotional support for you husband is severely lacking. Have you not thought how he must feel if he has kept trying for sex an

I know you are getting a hammering here but I also think you don’t really care about him at all, not the way people in love care about each other.

you only seem to be taking action now because you are sacred he will leave, and this will affect you. When it was only affecting him, you didn’t care.

At least make the effort now about the birthday, that is absolutely disgraceful and you would not do that to one of your children. You are well able to organise birthdays for them I’d say, and you are well able to organise things for their sports and school too. You need to put this right.

I dont doubt that some get a surge, particularly if you start a new relationship but saying that women are in their sexual prime in their 40s (as opposed to obviously it being much younger than this) is bloody nonsense.

I agree that you are not obliged to have sex with him and it’s clear you have a very low sex drive which isn’t your fault. However, it seems like you’ve only shown an interest in sex when you wanted a baby and this will likely make him feel used, unwanted and like a sperm donor.

Neglecting his 40th birthday was also pretty sh!tty as well and it’s no wonder he feels unloved and unwanted as you seem to put zero effort into your relationship. I honestly don‘t blame him for feeling like leaving and if you want the marriage to work you need to start making an effort. If this was how my husband behaved I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship too. I’m sorry but you don’t sound like a good wife.

This is definitely true, plenty of women enjoy sex and orgasm more/differently in their 40s.

This is a classic set of responses op. I do think you've got something to build on. You love your husband and it sounds like you enjoyed sex when you had it. It's difficult with young children but you need a lock for your bedroom door and to focus on improving your sex life. Look on it as a fun hobby . Book out a particular time once a week when you commit to doing something sexy together. This removes that whole approach/rejection cycle because you know when it's going to happen. If you absolutely don't want to then don't but your husband deserves a sexual relationship if he wants one, with someone else if not with you. Also book the hotel. This can be salvaged if you want to.

Not nonsense. Some women get a surge. Others don’t. Both can be true.

Ok, I understand I am a large part of this

You are ALL of this!

Based on research, it is true that women reach a sexual prime usually in their 30s to 40s. This is due to a more emotionally connected satisfying experience and maturity. That being said it depends on the woman and prime fertility for having children is their 20s which may be where your confusion comes from. Also lack of sex drive is not something all women in perimenopause experience and some women experience a peak in their drive. Many women also don't hit it until their 50s. OP clearly has not been in peri since age 19.

The OP didn't want sex in her late teens/early 20s in a new relationship which is not what is normal for most. OP clearly does not see her husband as a martial partner but just a friend. She is probably asexual. I can't possibly believe she thinks sex once a month is a great sex life and that not having sex in three years is normal. He deserves to be happy and she should voluntarily step back as it appears she has been completely unwilling for 20 years to compromise at all.

No it's not nonsense.