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Original poster

Should I be angry?

75 replies

LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 05:54

I am new to mumsnet and joined because I am seeking general advice. My husband passed away unexpectedly ~2 months ago and last night I had dinner out with friends for the first time since. After a few wines, one of my girlfriends asked me if I have started seeing anyone.
I didn't know whether to be angry or not, or what to say. Is 2 months too soon to ask such a question? Is 2 months too soon to start seeing someone else (not that I want to yet)? Is there an unwritten rule / socially acceptable timeframe expectation for when I should be moving on?
I was unprepared for his death and for that question.

OP posts:
SlightlyFeckless · 19/12/2025 05:58

There are no ‘shoulds’. Did you/do you actually feel angry?

I’m sorry for your loss.💐

parababe · 19/12/2025 05:59

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your friends are twats. its completely up to the individual how quickly (or not) you should be 'moving on' and I think that are twats for asking you.

Original poster
LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 06:01

@SlightlyFeckless not angry at the time, just shocked as it was not something I had even considered. It caught me offguard and I had no answer. Another friend quickly changed the subject. These thoughts are on reflection.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 06:04

@parababe perhaps this one friend is. Another came in to quickly change the subject. I also don't know how much wine she had and if that impaired her judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 06:06

@parababe also, thank you ❤️

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 19/12/2025 06:10

What a twat? You are still grieving of course you haven’t just moved on it’s not like a break up. I would have pasted the walls with her!

Dolamroth · 19/12/2025 06:14

The answer is when the person feels it is the right time.

Friend is really weird asking at 2 months.

Sorry for your loss ❤️

Original poster
LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 06:14

@BashfulClam thank you. I will keep my distance going forward, until she apologises.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 19/12/2025 06:14

Insensitive question to say the least. Sorry for your loss.

Tpu · 19/12/2025 06:16

Firstly, I am so sorry your husband died.

i think men are notorious for getting back out there very very quickly. But even among them, 2 months would be a shocker.
I Had a date with a man who had been widowed a year and two months previously- it wasn’t his first date after she passed but it was obviously way way too soon.

I think maybe you are projecting your rightful anger at the death of your husband onto your friend and her (frankly stupid) question. So try to forgive her her innocence and hope that in ten years time you can mention it to her.

Original poster
LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 06:16

@Dolamroth thank you for clarifying and thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 06:18

@Sally2791 thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 06:22

@Tpu thank you ❤️

A year and 2 months was too soon? Was this man still grieving his late wife? Makes me wonder how long before I am ready. Feels like never atm

Thanks for the advice. I will keep my distance and see if she apologises first.

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 19/12/2025 06:52

It was extremely rude and I should imagine fuelled by alcohol. I’m not making excuses but some people have no idea what real grief is. They have probably never experienced it.
The fact that your other friend stepped in was fantastic - that friend knew it was an awful thing to say.
At times like this you work out who your friends are - stick around the ones who have your back and try not to dwell on the ones who are clueless.
I am very, very sorry for your loss..

HelmholtzWatson · 19/12/2025 07:29

Sometimes we say things we wish we could take back, particularly when wine is involved.

I'd give her a pass. I doubt she meant any offense, and probably feels pretty bad about it.

Makemeanonymous · 19/12/2025 07:52

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

When my DH died very suddenly, many years ago now, I didn't have any one ask me such a totally inappropriate question outright, as your friend did. But what I did get from some women, from almost immediately after his death, them being uncomfortable about me socialising with them and their spouses incase I had my eye on their man.They clearly assumed I must want another partner.
And I found this extremely upsetting .

Losing my DH so suddenly plunged me so unexpectedly into another type of life than the one i knew, as it will have for you. I have never wanted any one else after he died and have remained single.And I know other women who are the same as me. But everyone is different. You should listen to your own feelings, you need to grieve the way that is right for you and if at some point you are ready to think about a new relationship then that's when you are ready. What anyone else thinks doesn't matter.

HappiestSleeping · 19/12/2025 08:05

@LizzieSaid I have experienced some very strange things very similar to you. My wife died at the end of August, she had cancer, so we knew that day would arrive at some point even though the end didn't quite manifest in the way we expected.

I am a dog trainer, so there is a whole group who regularly walk dogs together, in groups of various sizes. I was out with one other lady and her dog, not long after my wife died, and we happened to bump into someone else who knew me, but not the lady I was walking with. He immediately asked if I had a new girlfriend. My first thought was WTAF. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I dismissed it, but eventually landed on the fact that it said more about him than me.

I suppose in my situation, it might be argued that I have been grieving this moment for a long while as we knew it was coming, and thus might be further into the process, but I still thought it was a very surreal moment for anyone to say such a thing so soon.

I am sorry for your loss, big hug from a fellow member of the club that none of us wanted to join.

1983Louise · 19/12/2025 09:54

My husband passed suddenly last year, so I know exactly how you feel. Your friends a fool to say that but fortunately dealing with grief makes people say stupid things. Try and join an online support group or a local bereavement group, they'll all understand and give you the support you'll need going forward. Please pm me if you want to chat, I'm admins on an.online group so happy to pass on their details x

Nosdacariad · 19/12/2025 10:02

LizzieSaid · 19/12/2025 05:54

I am new to mumsnet and joined because I am seeking general advice. My husband passed away unexpectedly ~2 months ago and last night I had dinner out with friends for the first time since. After a few wines, one of my girlfriends asked me if I have started seeing anyone.
I didn't know whether to be angry or not, or what to say. Is 2 months too soon to ask such a question? Is 2 months too soon to start seeing someone else (not that I want to yet)? Is there an unwritten rule / socially acceptable timeframe expectation for when I should be moving on?
I was unprepared for his death and for that question.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I started seeing someone quite soon after DH's death.

I got judgement for that. I honestly think grief takes people in such different ways. I was consumed by the idea that I had to make every moment count.

On reflection is was probably a mistake but it was mine to make and no one's business except mine and my kids'.

Your dating or otherwise is entirely your call.

Eta being unprepared for his death makes a big difference I imagine. We had a few weeks' warning of my husband's death.

FreeRider · 19/12/2025 10:17

Tpu · 19/12/2025 06:16

Firstly, I am so sorry your husband died.

i think men are notorious for getting back out there very very quickly. But even among them, 2 months would be a shocker.
I Had a date with a man who had been widowed a year and two months previously- it wasn’t his first date after she passed but it was obviously way way too soon.

I think maybe you are projecting your rightful anger at the death of your husband onto your friend and her (frankly stupid) question. So try to forgive her her innocence and hope that in ten years time you can mention it to her.

My ex husband was shagging his now girlfriend one month after his partner of 12 years had died.

I'm still stunned by that to be honest. If it had been a man asking @LizzieSaid, maybe I wouldn't have been that surprised.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Some people say really stupid things after a bereavement.

StripyShirt · 19/12/2025 10:30

Sorry about your husband, must be very hard for you.

Perhaps your friend just blurted it out of awkwardness and has been kicking herself since . Let's hope so anyway.

PigeonsandSquirrels · 19/12/2025 10:36

Everyone is different OP. I’d think it an odd question tbh but others do move on fairly quickly. I’d perhaps tell her that wasn’t appropriate but depends if you can be bothered with the agro. A disgusted look would’ve worked too.

You don’t have to react in any specific way. It’s your grief, do it your way.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/12/2025 10:42

It was IMO highly insensitive of her, not to mention stupid. Please don’t let it get to you. 💐

blobby10 · 19/12/2025 10:44

As PP have said, everyone is different. My partner of only 5 years died just over 3 years ago and I haven't the slightest inclination to date/see/romance anyone ever again. But I'm in my mid fifties and have 3 adult children and figure that after divorce after 20 year marriage and now death after just 5 years I'm maybe not supposed to have 'someone'. It always surprises me when celebrities appear to move on/remarry very soon after the death of their spouse but there is no timescale, no right or wrong, no should or shouldn't. (And I agree that your 'friend' was very insensitive in asking such a question. )

InSpainTheRain · 19/12/2025 11:33

Firstly I'm really sorry for the loss of your DH, that's a massive shock and I'm sure it'll take a while to come to terms with it. To my mind there are no rules about the timelines or what you feel and when you start to feel better and more back on an even keel. You may even think you are ok at some stage, but then it will hit you again.

As for your friend - I know I said I don't think there are timescales to recover - but she is beyond the pale! 2 months is no time at all. I wouldn't judge you if you were seeing someone, but equally no way would I expect you to be! She is absolutely bang out of order for asking as well. The only excuse for her would be if she's very young with no life experience, then maybe she doesn't understand. Honestly, I think if I were you my mouth would have fallen open and I'd have said "what the fuck?!" so well done for holding it together.