Should I be angry?

[LizzieSaid]

I am new to mumsnet and joined because I am seeking general advice. My husband passed away unexpectedly ~2 months ago and last night I had dinner out with friends for the first time since. After a few wines, one of my girlfriends asked me if I have started seeing anyone.
I didn't know whether to be angry or not, or what to say. Is 2 months too soon to ask such a question? Is 2 months too soon to start seeing someone else (not that I want to yet)? Is there an unwritten rule / socially acceptable timeframe expectation for when I should be moving on?
I was unprepared for his death and for that question.

What? That’s insane. I lost my DH suddenly. No way would anyone dream of asking that. It was a couple years before I could even think of dating again.
I would look at this friend and say ‘are you seriously asking me that? My husband has just died’!
As for a ‘socially acceptable time frame’, there isn’t one, though didn’t women wear widows weeds for at least a year back in the day? While no such rules exist today, I would think it extremely unempathetic to expect you to be ready after a couple months!

This is what I think too - people often don’t know what to say at sad times and often end up saying something twatty off the top of their head

She was extremely insensitive at best and downright fucking rude at worst.

In your shows I’d probably have a quiet word with her telling her how insensitive you found her comment. Her reaction will tell you whether it was just clumsy or deliberate.

Please don’t dwell on it. You’ve had enough to deal with without bringing upset by a gobshite

My H had an affair with a woman 5 months after she was widowed!

I know a woman who met someone at her husbands funeral - he’d only been widowed 6 weeks himself - and within 3 months they moved in together.

Terribly insensitive of her! Yes I would be angry

Im sorry for your loss OP . It’s easy to be angry in this scenario - I’d be tempted though to feel a bit sorry for your insensitive friend . I think it says a lot about the quality of her relationships - she clearly has no idea .

He was still grieving her, but I guess he felt there was space to meet someone new. And I guess getting out and having lunch or dinner with people was in and of itself beneficial for him.

It seems an odd thing to say - but if she is your friend can you just write it off as deeply insensitive rather than really unkind ?

We all know how hward it is to know what to say to someone who is grieving.

I think on mumsnet it's easy for people to say 'oh she is awful, what a twat' etc - when, presumably this person is your friend for a reason?

I absolutely agree it's a strange question but may have just been trying to act as though she thinks your life will eventually recover.

Thank you all for your responses, perspectives, stories, advice and condolences ❤️
I was going to respond to everyone individually, like I started doing, but there are far more responses than I expected!
After a lengthy call with my sister, I have decided to go visit her in Seattle (half the world away!) for a few weeks and then come back and sell my house. The memories here are just too overpowering and the new silence has been deafening, if that makes sense. I guess IYKYK.
Regarding my friend, the advice ranges from shes a rude twat and drop her, to she didn't know what to say at a time of grief and made a silly error. My take away is that she was insensitive while fuelled by wine and owes me an apology, but we have been friends for years and she has some great qualities that outweigh this one question asled out of stupidity. She has been a bit stupid in the past, but generally the kind of person to give you their jacket if its cold. I am a bit angry with her, but if she apologises of her own accord, I will forgive her.

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I personally feel that’s an absolutely inane question to ask after only 2 months when it was an unexpected death too, so there’s been no anticipatory grief / processing of the loss to come.

But if you did feel like exploring that, there are no rules. It’s whatver you feel comfortable with. Personally if it was me I’d be nowhere near ready at 2 months which is presumably why you are also extremely shocked at the suggestion. Go at your own pace, and make sure you tell your friend that although she may have been kind you didn’t welcome the question.

I hope that it wasn't bad intentioned. I guess your friends are younger. Unless you've been in your situation. Taken time to love someone and lost them, that they don't really understand how you currently feel.
Take time to grieve. I'm so sorry about your loss.

I’d be bloody angry too - it’s disrespectful and not their bloody business

I’m 3 years on and dating isn’t in sight yet

@MrsDoomesPattersen out of curiousity, is the 3 years of no dating because you still really miss your LH? Or because you no longer have interest in any men? Or because dating is terrible these days (so I have been reading!) Or a combination of all of these?

I miss my LH terribly, so not sure what to expect in 6 months / 1 year / 3 years from now. The wound is still so raw.

I was widowed at 35 and the best piece of advice I can give you is do not make any major decisions for a least a year. I felt like you with the house but 20 years later I am still kn the same house and the memories are a comfort now.

I too was asked that stupid question but to be honest most people who have not been in that position have no idea what it feels like and do not know what to say.

I had friends dive into the 1st shop that was close to them if they saw me while out shopping, that was funny to me as one went into a bookies and I decided to wait outside to see how long before she came out. Her reaction of shock horror at being in a bookies made me chuckle all day.

Grief hits everyone differently and there are a few stages to go through before you come out the other side.

You dont get over the loss, you just learn to live with it.

In the beginning - It was I couldn’t even think about someone else because my head was so full of him - I also felt full of his love - I couldn't imagine anyone replacing him

a bit further on now and I can see I will want to love againand be loved again but I’m still a long long way off - i still long for him it’s very hard

Lizziesaid - everybody’s journey is different - I would say just do what you feel

first Christmas was awful - second best ever - this one I’m back in grief and I’m just letting Christmas pass because I can’t countenance it - I’m telling you this to show you it’s not linear - be kind to yourself and go where you need to go ❤️‍🩹

OP I am sorry for your loss.

I would gently suggest that expecting her to apologise spontaneously, when you didn’t make your displeasure clear at the time is a bit unreasonable. Either she has realised she said something stupid and may think the best option is kit to bring it up again in order to not upset you further. Or she doesn’t realise.

Yes it was a stupid question, but at the same time it’s only a question. That is actually better than making assumptions. (Like assuming it is too soon). In a way, she is allowing for that conversation and suggesting there is no shame in it. Some people (especially men) do start new relationships very quickly, and I don’t think it’s right to judge about that. She is trying to show an interest in how you are doing and where you are in the process.

I think it can be hard for people to get it right when someone has gone through crisis or tragedy. And we get very little steer from most people. I don’t think it is massively fair to dismiss a good long-term friend for saying one thing, once, which didn’t land well for you, without you expressing your feelings and giving her a chance to fix it.

so, I would either forgive now, or have a conversation - either proactively now or reactively, if she ever goes in this direction again. Say something like “I know I am nowhere near ready to move on, if I ever will be. Please don’t bring that up again- it feels really mis-attuned to how I am feeling. I know you want to be a good friend and support to me, so here are the things that would help me in this phase: x, y, and Z.”

I had someone say to me rather crudely about a janitor that had been a little forward.." yea bet you were there in his cupboard giving it welly" complete with hip movements 😠

I was in total shock and all I could think was...but my husband had just died. It was 10 months ...but felt like 'just'

Some people are twats with or without drink

@MrsDoomesPattersen thank you for insights. How you felt in the beginning is how I feel now. I just want him back. I'm trying to keep busy and surround myself with friends, but break down at random moments. A particular room or overhearing someone that sounds like him, or even smelling cologne similar to his. Its like unwarranted daggers wherever I go. Will see how Christmas plays out. Right now, its more painful than anything. I wish it could just be over already. I can't believe I am saying this, but I want work to start back up, so I am forced to bury my mind in something productive.

@financialcareerstuff thank you ❤️
I took your advice and told my friend that I didn't appreciate the question. She apologised immediately and promised to never push that boundary again until I am ready to discuss it. In terms of helping me, all I want from any friends are opportunities to catch up and spend quality time together. Nothing more.

@needapokerface thank you for the advice ❤️ I will hold off on selling the house for now. See how 2026 unfolds.
I'm still going to see my sister in Seattle though. We have always been close and a few weeks away is very welcome right now.

Oh really glad to hear that. Well done.

And I wasn’t suggesting you are needing big things (though you might sometimes). I more meant to give them guidelines about what you want within conversations. Eg people sometimes don’t know whether they should be mentioning a person you have lost ie opening up space for you to talk about your feelings, share memories etc, or whether you prefer to be distracted. They might worry they will offend you by talking about silly trivial stuff when you are going through so much that is deep and terrible. But that may be what you want. They may worry about expressing if something fun and lovely is happening for them - especially if it is romantic. But again, this may cheer you up. They also often don’t know whether they should mention special dates etc… unsure if this is respectful or if it is calling attention to something you are trying to forget…some people going through grief want to be asked how they are. Others find that a very irritating question, because obviously they are not good. What about if they have a problem they would normally talk to you about? So you still want them to? Or is that too much emotional pain to take on top of what you are already dealing with? Or so their complaints feel stupid nd self centred, when you are going through so much worse? People don’t know. And sadly, sometimes people going through grief start to lose friends, because friends don’t know or they get stuff wrong, but aren’t told…. So I find it can be useful if you just get used to articulating those preferences if you can. Normally good friends will do everything they can to meet them once they know.

it’s great that you have done that with this big boundary. You may want to get used to just sharing simple requests/instructions when you are aware of them, and simply correcting people quickly if they are getting it wrong. Eg “today I just want to try to be jolly- distract me, tell me all your fun stuff….” “I know valentines is coming up and normally we share all our plans. I hope it’s ok if I take a pass this year. I want you to have Good time, but I’m just wanting to pretend nothing is happening this year’. Or ‘I really want to talk and just share memories today. Are you happy to listen?’ And when they get it right, tell them they are helping you. Friends also some times drift away because they feel powerless in the face of the loss and don’t realise that they ARE helping, rather than just getting in the way.

Anyone uninterested in meeting your needs can and will take a jump. But those who want to…. Expressing things will empower them to stay close in the way that works for you.

again, I’m so very sorry for your loss. ❤️

Oh my love - it’s awful

I actually read at the time that your brain needs time to change its “circuits” so to speak - the reason it’s so painful initially is your brain automatically signals what you would normally feel when you walk into a room and see them sitting in a chair for example - hope that makes sense - it takes time to rewire a different feeling - more neutral one

so it’s constant torture

In the beginning I was constantly crying to my friends that I couldn’t accept and believe he wouldn’t sit on the end of my bed any more or walk in and say “hello darling” so so painful - because whenever I looked at things my brain triggered how I normally felt - it takes time - it took my about two years to be able to open his drawer in the kitchen with all his screwdrivers etc in - now I open it and I’m comforted and shrug and say love you Roy and just get on with what I’m doing

it is all so so hard - I think the first Christmas I was due at a friends and I was ok up to Xmas eve then I just fell apart for a week - on the run up to NYE I could feel myself getting more stable each day

I think Xmas day I just cried in my sofa all day - it was so so painful - you need people around you who have no expectations

I think your right to be angry with friend - I would be mega offended if someone thought at 8 weeks I could date anyone else - it kind off minimalises the significance of the relationship and it’s meaning to you

Thank you @MrsDoomesPattersen ❤️‍🩹
It really is a constant torture. Setting up the Christmas tree felt pointless and was very difficult as it was always something we did together. I'm not worrying about any of the other decorations this year. I suspect my first Christmas will be similar to yours.

Thats interesting regarding the brain rewiring itself. I wonder how long that will take.

I did end up telling my friend I was unhappy with her question. She apologised and promised not to ask again. I did ask her why it even crossed her mind and she thought I might have still wanted sex. I had to explain to her that its not like a breakup, my husband died! Along with my libido!