Should I be angry?

[LizzieSaid]

I am new to mumsnet and joined because I am seeking general advice. My husband passed away unexpectedly ~2 months ago and last night I had dinner out with friends for the first time since. After a few wines, one of my girlfriends asked me if I have started seeing anyone.
I didn't know whether to be angry or not, or what to say. Is 2 months too soon to ask such a question? Is 2 months too soon to start seeing someone else (not that I want to yet)? Is there an unwritten rule / socially acceptable timeframe expectation for when I should be moving on?
I was unprepared for his death and for that question.

just be kind to yourself and let it be whatever it is

funny enough a few months later I got some “widows fire” and had crush for about a week on my choir leader..he was in his 20s..ridiculous!

will be thinking of you over Xmas - it’s very hard. You’ve down better than me getting a tree up! How painful that must have been❤️‍🩹

I will, thank you :)

Is "widow's fire" a thing? First I have heard of that term. How strange that you had it for a week randomly! Is that typical?

Yes, I am staying away from my house as much as possible, despite the tree. Its just too much. Makes me wonder why I even bothered with it!

It’s good that you bothered - normal routine

yes widows fire a thing apparently - don’t know about the week being anything normal

it soon went away!

She might be feeling stupid and bad... tell her, don't just avoid - she might never say sorry without prompting in fear of making a mountain our of a molehill... then you've lost a friend?

So sorry for your loss. People say awkward and stupid things cos rhey don't know what to say - help her to understand rather than just casting her off

Thanks @LibbyOTV ❤️

Please see previous messages where I have responded to her.

Ohhh i missed that. Well done for raising it with her and for helping educate her (i guess this is how we all learn!) - I'm glad she responded well.

So sorry again for your loss and warm wishes x

@LibbyOTV all good and thank you again x

Thats what I was thinking at the time, when I wasn't a ball of tears!

Hopefully I don't experience it, but if I do, let's pray it goes away quickly for me too

I remember feeling it was positive that everything is still working!

it didn’t last long

I like your perspective! I will try to see it that way too.

i was invited out by an acquaintance just under six months after I was widowed. It did feel too soon, though friends said I should go. I had another invite about a year later which did not feel too soon, though it never happened in the end.

My late father started dating about four years after my mother died, which we felt no-one could say was too soon. I have known other men start dating after only weeks which does not feel right.

@Turnerskies interesting timeframes and feelings you raise. For you 'weeks, and '6 months' are too early, but '18 months' was acceptable.

However, to observers, 'weeks' is too early and '6 months' onwards is acceptable.

It kind of answers one of my questions: Is there an unwritten rule / socially acceptable timeframe expectation for when I should be moving on?

Not that any of it matters to me, I will move on when I am ready. Just interesting.

Some people might deal with grief by rushing into a new sexual relationship. There's no right or wrong way to feel bereavement.

I'm sure your friend didn't mean to be insensitive. But I presume she's never lost her partner either. You just explain you're definitely nowhere near ready to start thinking about that right now. But don't fall out with her over her asking.

I’m so sorry, OP.

I think your friend was pretty crass.

@MrsDoomesPattersenFYI - I sent you a private message as I appreciate your lived experience and see you as a good ally for weeks/months/years to come

ah ok - I’ll have a look

@LizzieSaid Just checking to see how your Xmas and New Year went. It was the hardest ones for me to deal with especially with 11yr old and a small baby. Not sure when you were going to visit your sister in Seattle but hope that you are ok, well as ok as you can be in the circumstances.

@needapokerface aww thank you for checking in. Sorry to hear you had a difficult time. I can't imagine the experience of managing children, especially a newborn through such a challenging time. Kudos to you!

Xmas Eve and Xmas morning were the most difficult for me. Xmas Eve was when we were both most excited and generally had friends and family over for a dinner feast. That didn't happen and it was a miserable day. Xmas morning was when I cried the most as we had our little morning ritual of just us and it was extremely lonely.

Between Xmas and New Years, most friends were busy with their families etc and I got lost in stupid phone games. Spent so many hours unscrewing coloured screws from random objects, just to watch ads of other games, then download and play them. It was a strange few days and very unhealthy.

New Years I spent with the same friends as the dinner that started this post. Everyone was respectful, albeit banter was great. Much wine consumed and 3 of us made it to 3am before passing out. First day of 2026 I had a hangover & headache, but it was with a smile, hopeful of the year ahead.

My trip to Seattle has been postponed to first 2 weeks of February, which I don't mind.

What a stupid, thoughtless and insensitive thing to say.
You'll not be ready to 'move on' until you have grieved the loss of your husband, but there is no time scale.
My condolences to you.

I think it was incredibly insensitive of them to say this at the two month mark. Most people are still entrenched in all the organisation you have to go through and that's with out the emotional grieving side to contend with

I took my folks away for a weekend 10 months after my DH died a a thank you for all their help. While away I was propositioned by someone totally out the blue just walking down a corridor. I was absolutely mortified

On telling work colleagues one went into a very coarse rant about how I must of been in his janitor cupboard shagging away 'giving it welly ' complete with gestures. Most of my colleagues at least looked shocked and I was beyond mortified. All I could think of was,....but my husband has just died. Because even at 10 months mark, it felt like 'just'

Whoever said this to you is a fucking twat frankly

@Oldraver apologies for the delayed response, currently visiting my sister in Seattle, as per my last post on this thread.

Your colleague sounds like an even bigger twat! Hopefully someone told them off on saying that to you!

Interesting how everyone differs so much when it comes to grief and passing of a loved partner. Since starting this thread, I have done a lot of research on the subject and some people are ready to date again within weeks, others for many years, and most somewhere in between. For you, 10 months feels like it just happened still. My heart goes out to you.

I was much the same until recently. I had absolutely no desire for any man until about 3 days before my departure flight for Seattle when 'widow's fire' hit me out of nowhere! Very inconvenient phenomenon! Thankfully @MrsDoomesPattersen warned me early of its existence.

I'm so sorry about your husband, may he RIP.

As for the awful woman, how utterly insensitive and nosy can she get? It's been just weeks since he passed, and she's trying to have you married off to someone else?

Tell her to mind her own business!

@LizzieSaid I was just thinking about you the other day and I hope you are having a lovely time with your Sister, and are managing to deal with your grief.

As I was only 35 when I was widowed, I didn't have anyone to really to talk to that understood what it was like.

Now 21 years later I am apparently a font of all knowledge to others who have been widowed, unfortunately I don't have all the answers and if it was only that easy I would be worth a fortune as I would have written a book.

Each person goes through the grief journey at a different pace, some need longer for acceptance as to the new way they will live, feel etc.

No-one except you will know how you feel, and when and if you will ever be ready to move on, it is totally your choice.

Sometimes you have to be direct and possibly rude by telling unsensitive people where to go and how to get there, as a Glaswegian living in England I have no problems using terms that could be deemed shocking to some, but at the time it made me feel better, and later on at night when I was reflecting on my day hysterical laughter would often erupt from remembering the shocked looks on their faces when what I had said to them registered.

Have a lovely time and breath, one foot in front of the other and enjoy the small moments of joy when you get them xx

@needapokerface thank you for your lovely words and for thinking of me. Despite what I said in my last post, I still miss my LH sooo much and wish he could be here in the US with me.

I feel relieved in a sense that there are no expectations on timeframes etc. I will just let the grief take its course. Getting out of the house and visiting my sister is certainly helping. She is very empathetic, giving me space when I need it and even her car sometimes.