To out an affair? Advice needed!

[overitandouts]

Throwaway, I'll try to be brief.

Me(F45), married to H(M45), DD(24), DS(9), DS(8), DD(6)

January caught H in affair. Wanted to leave but was convinced by H and others to stay. In marriage and individual counselling both. Things improved, little intimacy but otherwise better friends than ever. I finally did things he was unsupportive of previously (professional exams, promotion, etc). Outside of marriage, things looking up for me.

H coaches DS' rugby team. August new family joined. S(F47), A(M49), their boys aged 15, 14, 12, 9,9. Twins are also in DS' class at school (mine are Itish twins, same year). A and H got on well, 9yos got on well.

Last night was rugby awards dinner. Noticed H and S chatting a lot, no big deal. As we were moving from the bar area to be seated for dinner, noticed H was gone. Went back to the bar and found H and S had hung back and may have been kissing, I caught a quick glimpse only. They were the only two left in the bar out of over 180 people.

I pretended not to notice, night went off well. S chatted to me, i was normal and chatted back. Assuming they think i know nothing.

H was very drunk, so i took his phone and read all their texts. Seems to be the beginning of something, but definitely something.

Came home, had quick cry and realised i am relieved. After Christmas H can move out, I can get on with my life. Relieved and...happy?

Only thing is, what to do about affair? Things like this come out and i don't want all these children hurt and ruined relationships.

I need to maintain co-parenting relationship and i know telling H what i know will negatively affect that. I think it'll be worse if it's discovered as a full affair. Better to come out now i think, after christmas.

I'm mostly worried about A seeking retribution and my children being caught up in it. Once H goes after New Year i fear A might go to his home when my children atre there. of course he could come here, but I'd be here to remove them at least.

If A finds out gently now it might be possible to keep it from the boys as well. Im overthinking my children potentially being in danger and anxiety is awful.

I have app with counsellor January 5th and wont do anything until then, just need to hear others perspectives please!

Personally I couldn't keep quiet about this.
Any fall out is down to the pair of cheaters.

Totally get that. Weirdly I'm not concerned about their fallout, just protecting the children. I keep thinking something terrible could happen. What if A goes mad and tries to burn my house down? I know it isn't the most likely scenario, but these things do happen.

I personally would be telling husband to get the fuck out right now, not letting him stay over Christmas. He's done this twice to you in one year? With 4 children? I hope you're ok OP. You deserve much, much better. I'm glad to hear you are relieved and feeling positive about the future.

I would then say he has X amount of days to come clean to affair partners husband or you'll tell them as you don't want to get caught in the crossfire.

Understand you worrying what the children think if they find out, but frankly the idiot cheaters should have thought about that before ripping two families apart. It's for them to fix. You're the good guy in all this.

Does A cone over as a violent man?
That you think he is capable of such an extreme reaction paints a picture of someone you see as mentally unstable.
And surely if it is his wife that is cheating on him the focus of his anger will be her?

Personally - I’d deal with H first.
And he may not be so agreeable as to just moving out. You have been married for a long time, all assets and life is entangled. Most men dig in their hills and stay put. They do have a right to the marital home, etc.

As to the couple - I’d not tell the H. I’d say soenthing to the W. But essentially - both can explain it away as drunk mistake. You H has a prior, so your reaction is understandable.

The W involved has 5 kids - and who knows what even goes on in their marriage. i’d not be sending the H message - saying his W has possibly nearly kissed another man and flirted over text. Not enough for much - you’ll be the shot messenger. And it’ll be messy.

Just sort your own life - it’ll be hard enough.

Print off the messages if you can. Stick them inside his Xmas card.
And hers.

You could type a letter and make a duplicate.

One addressed to you, one addressed to A. Address the letter “Dear A and overitsandout” and say “I am sorry to bring this to your attention, but H and S are involved inappropriately”

then you blow the whole thing apart and keep your hands clean.

your kids are going to be hurt regardless. 9 kids involved. What a pair of utter cunts.

Double date and both show the text messages at the table telling them both your both fully aware of there actions. That would be my plan. Get her hubby on board. Would love to see both of the grubby cheaters faces drop to the floor and walk away :)

Thanks, I do know I shouldn't be the only person concerned about the fallout of these actions. I'm such an anxious over thinker by nature it's always worst case scenarios in my head. That's why I sometimes need other perspectives to rein me in.
I won't be making him leave before Christmas. Apart from anxiety about the fallout i am able to compartmentalise. We went for lunch today then to youngest DD's nativity then shopping. Had a lovely day actually. He really doesn't suspect a thing I believe.
My feelings are so not hurt, I am only concerned about the innocent parties involved.

I think I love you? But i am not up for it. We all have children to think of so I have to be mindful.

I like this, thank you so much.
I don't even have the energy to call them cunts to be honest. I am anxious about the innocent kids, but genuinely excited about getting my life back.

Totally see your point thank you for taking the time to share.
Fortunately I have my own home since pre marriage that he has no control or claim to. His mother died last December so he has her house to go to. He's been renovating it to sell and it's ready so he can just live in it.
I understand where you're coming from but I made sure this was all sorted when I wanted to end things in January.
Thanks again.

This isn't your can to carry. He needs to deal with the fallout. It's his responsibility to manage damage limitation..

I honestly have only said hello to him. Never had a conversation beyond the weather. I am an anxious over thinker. There isn't a scenario worst case enough for me.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, @overitandouts

Even if he goes after your husband I can't imagine that he'd come after your and your children, what would that achieve? So as long as you are in a separate place from H, there really is no reason there should be any problem.

It doesn’t sound like they’re that bothered about being caught if they’re kissing in a bar where their families are and could have seen them?!

It’s quite shocking how many people are inciting the OP to dramatic and childish action. OP clearly has a mature and calm outlook which is admirable.

@overitandouts I would say it’s best to just deal with the situation with your H and leave the other couple to tackle the issue at their end, if and when it comes to it. I understand your fears about the children being caught up in or witnessing some fallout with the other husband, but realistically I think this is anxiety speaking rather than a likely scenario. Maybe you can try and ‘lay low’ with them spending the majority of time with you for the first 6 months or something, after H moves out?

I wouldn't say anything about the current shenanigans. I don't really see the point.

I'd tell H that you want a divorce. I say that you have realised that following his affair, you will never trust him again. You've done the relationship counselling, and you've tried to salvage the relationship but you'll never look at him the same again. You don't trust his fidelity and you won't spend the rest if your life looking over your shoulder waiting for him to betray your trust again.

OP - have you seen a lawyer?
If you are in England - your house before 25year long marriage is a marital asset. Unless it’s held in a trust, or on some other relative name.
His inheritance - if not mixed into marital assets, wont be included.
But maybe you are not in England, or maybe he’ll feel bad, or happy to move on like you.
It does feel he has already in his head.

As to telling the H - I still do think sorting own life should come first. And while I don’t think burning the house is a realistic scenario - but there is no way to keep your H coaching the OW’s son - and from then it’ll spread to your community.
Yes - not your fault, but unavoidable if you go that way. Your kids will be affected.

This is the thing too, it could just as easily been any child or parent, including ours, who walked in there.
I don't want to run that risk.
My children adore their father, i do not want to ruin their view of him.

You don't need to do anything. Your job is to ask your husband to leave. No explanation needed. That's all.
Frankly, you didn't see anything you are sure of to expose. So don't get involved.

Obviously, the stuff about your kids being in danger and house burning down are..forgive me...bonkers. But even so, it's simply not worth your time and energy getting involved at all.

I am not in England, and i also have my home in a trust. It, too, was inherited from my grandfather and he ensured it would always be mine, i am so very very lucky for that.
I do know he could cause issues if he felt like it though, so i do want to keep things as civilised as possible.

It all seems a bit vague to me.

You say ‘may’ have been kissing.

How serious were the text messages?

If you want to kick your DH out, do it, but don’t take her family down, based on nothing, but your hatred for your own husband.

Thank you, i am trying to look at the big picture and maintain relationships for the future.
If all the children were not so close I absolutely would not be concerned. If the husband finds out and it trickles down to the children there will be fallout for them, not just the possibility of violence.
I am aware that this is worst case scenario and highly unlikely, but anyone who is an anxious overthinker knows how far and fast a spiral goes.
Thanks again.