To out an affair? Advice needed!

[overitandouts]

Throwaway, I'll try to be brief.

Me(F45), married to H(M45), DD(24), DS(9), DS(8), DD(6)

January caught H in affair. Wanted to leave but was convinced by H and others to stay. In marriage and individual counselling both. Things improved, little intimacy but otherwise better friends than ever. I finally did things he was unsupportive of previously (professional exams, promotion, etc). Outside of marriage, things looking up for me.

H coaches DS' rugby team. August new family joined. S(F47), A(M49), their boys aged 15, 14, 12, 9,9. Twins are also in DS' class at school (mine are Itish twins, same year). A and H got on well, 9yos got on well.

Last night was rugby awards dinner. Noticed H and S chatting a lot, no big deal. As we were moving from the bar area to be seated for dinner, noticed H was gone. Went back to the bar and found H and S had hung back and may have been kissing, I caught a quick glimpse only. They were the only two left in the bar out of over 180 people.

I pretended not to notice, night went off well. S chatted to me, i was normal and chatted back. Assuming they think i know nothing.

H was very drunk, so i took his phone and read all their texts. Seems to be the beginning of something, but definitely something.

Came home, had quick cry and realised i am relieved. After Christmas H can move out, I can get on with my life. Relieved and...happy?

Only thing is, what to do about affair? Things like this come out and i don't want all these children hurt and ruined relationships.

I need to maintain co-parenting relationship and i know telling H what i know will negatively affect that. I think it'll be worse if it's discovered as a full affair. Better to come out now i think, after christmas.

I'm mostly worried about A seeking retribution and my children being caught up in it. Once H goes after New Year i fear A might go to his home when my children atre there. of course he could come here, but I'd be here to remove them at least.

If A finds out gently now it might be possible to keep it from the boys as well. Im overthinking my children potentially being in danger and anxiety is awful.

I have app with counsellor January 5th and wont do anything until then, just need to hear others perspectives please!

Yep, as one overthinker to another, you are definitely overthinking.

All you have to say is that you've not got over previous affair and it would be better if you separate. Nothing more, this on repeat.

File for a divorce, sort out the maintenance, finances and access. That's it.

You don't have to have any fault, so don't state any, just time to end it.

I absolutely do not hate my husband. I dont know if you haven't read the thread and replies, don't have great reading comprehension, or are simply projecting.
I am not hurt at all by this, simply glad to move forward instead of being stuck.
It all seems a bit vague because i kept it vague and only gave what i felt were necessary details.
My husband and i have never been more friendly than over the last year, and i hope that continues in our separate lives.
We do have four children together who need continued parenting, so we also need to function in that capacity and that is my priority.
Any action i do or do not take will be in their best interests only.
Best of luck in furthering your education or dealing with your own issues, whichever you decide, and have a lovely christmas.

Thank you.
Keep it simple is usually the best remedy, but as an over thinker yourself you know how the spiral goes!

Well then, just go high. Tell H you want to separate. Tell him it’s because of his new affair if you want to, but leave the other couple out of it, if you really do want to avoid hurting all the children.

Don’t presume you know what anyone else’s best interests are.

Thank you
The only best interests in thinking of are my kids, and unfortunately for my over stimulated brain that's my job!
I'm not looking to cause drama or tell tales , just mitigate the damage that will inevitably be caused when this comes out.
I'm only thinking that the damage caused by a couple of messages and a few secret meetings will be less than a full blown affair.
I have a lot to think about but will not be deciding until i can speak to my therapist after Christmas to process
Thanks again, appreciate the perspective

I love how strong you are and how relieved you are to be rid of your H. It shows you've wanted this since the first affair, and were persuaded into staying but now feel valid in letting it go and living your own life.
With that said, and how rightly concerned you are for your children, I think leave the other couple to it. Kick your own husband out and live the happy life you're so excited for with no repurcussions or drama.
I so admire you.

Totally agree, I think you're handling this admirably.
What a poor man to do this after his last affair, he doesn't deserve you.

I would just address your DH and ask him to leave take a picture.on your phone of all the texts in case you need it later. Then ask him to leave and say it's over. If he ends up with her so be it. Just leave well enough alone.

How is not telling the OW's husband protecting their children? They will likely continue their affair and then it will be worse later on for all the children. It is basic human decency to let him know so he can make an informed choice especially as your DH has already shown he has form for affairs and may be passing on an STI to an innocent person.

Your DH could have been doing this for ages. How would you feel if the other husband knew and never told you? You are complicit in the lies and deceit by not letting him know. It is cruel.

She would not be taking another family down. The cheating spouses did that. The OP is not to blame for the decisions of the affair partners. Everyone saying don't tell, how would you feel if someone didn't tell you and could have saved you years of lies?

I’m sorry but your husband took that risk not you, he made the choice to do it not caring if his children saw him. Stop trying to protect him when he’s obviously not took your children into consideration. The longer you leave things the more risk of them seething something.

Do it after Christmas

It will ruin Xmas for your children otherwise

I think the best solution based on the outcome you want is to end things with your H in the new year and be clear that your relationship was over after his first affair, but you felt the responsibility to your children to make it work. However after his latest transgressions with the mum of their school friends you have realised that it doesn’t make sense to continue and you would be happier apart. Then tell him that if he continues his affair with this woman that the people who will truly suffer will be his children.

I wouldn’t say anything to the OW husband but just be very clear with your STBX that it’s his responsibility to protect his children and their opinion of him.

You say it sounds like the beginning of something, is it actually an affair? Could you nip it in the bud by saying something like, 'You seem to be getting rather close to A, I saw her husband giving you two odd looks, perhaps you should back off a bit. I wouldn't like there to be a fall out' If nothing else the reaction will be interesting.

Why not just tell him you’re done with marriage and want a divorce, after Xmas if you prefer. Your worries seem to be more about fallout from announcing the affair than the end of the marriage - so don’t announce it. You don’t need to give a reason or to out the affair if you don’t want to. Your priority is you and the kids and getting out - you’re not obliged to share what you know and it may just be a calmer exit just to say it’s over and not feel the need to explain.

Whatever you do, good luck and enjoy your exciting new life!

Im so sorry you've had to go through this, twice. Im so sorry he has disrespected you in one of the worst possible ways in a marraige repeatedly. I know you say you dont hate him but he sounds absolutely awful. Cheated twice - that you know of (including during a time you had felt you were friendlier than ever when underneath that he still had no respect for you, your marraige or his family) and he was unsupportive of your wishes to better yourself throughout your marraige.
He sounds like my idea of hell in a marraige.
Whatever you decide to do in regard to the other couple, once you get rid of a man like that life will become amazing for you. You are not the one who will have hurt your kids, he is the one who choose to risk his family life for a fling. You are worried about your co-parenting relationship, when he is the one who has put his family life in jeopardy multiple times for affairs...if you are willing to have a good co-parenting relationship then he is very lucky and should be only too happy to agree with this.
Best wishes with it all, and again I am so sorry you've been through this.

Since you are clear that you want to stay friends. I would wait until after Christmas to anything you decide but never out that affair. Just purely for practical reasons and to consider the youngest in the families. You will of course need to divorce and leave that awful cheater. However, at this stage we are talking about waiting for two weeks and a half until your talk to your therapist and tell him you want to divorce.

You could also just say you've tried so hard after the first affair but deep down you can't get past it. You have enjoyed the past few months deeply where you have felt like close friends and would love to continue that close friendship especially for the sake of the kids and the co-parenting relationship but that you want to trial a separation. You dont have to bring up the recent cheating and dont have to immediately start out that you want him out/want a divorce etc. You can start it out as trialing some time apart in the marraige etc and let it lead to divorce from there.
You absolutely shouldn't have to do this gently as I really dont think your H deserves it, but I do totally see your point in regard to wanting an easy separation where the kids are not hurt. Probably best not to even mention the most recent suspected cheating/messages on phone etc if you want a no drama approach x

What have you done to ensure he has no claim over it?

I never understand this 'let's get Christmas over' for the sake of the Kids malarkey. Even the most self absorbed kids will pick up tension and yours are hardly of age to believe in Santa. My ex MIL told me that she had to proceed with Christmas plans (before my time) "for the Kids" - my ex would have been 20, his Brother,15 when their farther died from a Cardiac Arrest - literally a month before. I was aghast. When I asked my ex about it, he couldn't even remember the date his Dad died and chuckled about how his Brother was able to truant and School would never follow up.

OP - anyone on here who knows your 2 families will recognise you immediately as you give such specific age info on the DC and initials of the other couple!!

I think quite a bit of the damage caused by affairs to children is being caught in conflict and made to feel unsafe/anxious about being homeless etc.

You can maybe address these issue with your children by addressing their concerns openly. It won't be perfect but no split ever is. If you're determined to split eventually as you are, then the duration of the affair doesn't seem to me to be the most important point.

You sound lovely OP. Your children are very lucky to have you.
I'd sit your husband down after Christmas and explain it exactly as you have here- The affair was very difficult for you, and though you have deep feelings of friendship towards him now, any romantic feelings have gone. I'd also say that you saw him and A, and have read the messages, and that you're not angry or hurt, but can see how this means that your husband has also checked out of the relationship. I'd reiterate the fact that you want to remain his friend, and want the best for the kids and also for you and him.

Focus on you and getting your embarassing and deceitful h out. ASAP.

I mean, you can try and protect the DCs as much as possible but ultimately, it’s your h that has done all the damage. Not you.

As a kid from divorced parents and who was often left in the dark as to why, what, when, how - I found it really frustrating that I was not allowed to know anything much about the divorce circumstances.

I always think the kids should know. Not the gory details but that for example, their mum or dad had an affair and that it’s unacceptable.

And why remain his friend? Yuck.