To out an affair? Advice needed!

[overitandouts]

Throwaway, I'll try to be brief.

Me(F45), married to H(M45), DD(24), DS(9), DS(8), DD(6)

January caught H in affair. Wanted to leave but was convinced by H and others to stay. In marriage and individual counselling both. Things improved, little intimacy but otherwise better friends than ever. I finally did things he was unsupportive of previously (professional exams, promotion, etc). Outside of marriage, things looking up for me.

H coaches DS' rugby team. August new family joined. S(F47), A(M49), their boys aged 15, 14, 12, 9,9. Twins are also in DS' class at school (mine are Itish twins, same year). A and H got on well, 9yos got on well.

Last night was rugby awards dinner. Noticed H and S chatting a lot, no big deal. As we were moving from the bar area to be seated for dinner, noticed H was gone. Went back to the bar and found H and S had hung back and may have been kissing, I caught a quick glimpse only. They were the only two left in the bar out of over 180 people.

I pretended not to notice, night went off well. S chatted to me, i was normal and chatted back. Assuming they think i know nothing.

H was very drunk, so i took his phone and read all their texts. Seems to be the beginning of something, but definitely something.

Came home, had quick cry and realised i am relieved. After Christmas H can move out, I can get on with my life. Relieved and...happy?

Only thing is, what to do about affair? Things like this come out and i don't want all these children hurt and ruined relationships.

I need to maintain co-parenting relationship and i know telling H what i know will negatively affect that. I think it'll be worse if it's discovered as a full affair. Better to come out now i think, after christmas.

I'm mostly worried about A seeking retribution and my children being caught up in it. Once H goes after New Year i fear A might go to his home when my children atre there. of course he could come here, but I'd be here to remove them at least.

If A finds out gently now it might be possible to keep it from the boys as well. Im overthinking my children potentially being in danger and anxiety is awful.

I have app with counsellor January 5th and wont do anything until then, just need to hear others perspectives please!

Given your children's lives are connected, I wouldn't.

You don't know for certain. If this was his first offence then you might minimise it as having not really started. You can legitimately not know here but still want to separate because all trust is lost.

Concentrate on your own family and let the chips fall with the other. If you are ever asked directly you can say you strongly suspected and that made you realise your own relationship was over, but you had no concrete proof to take apart another family.

I say this as a child who was in this position. It made it so difficult at every event where the other kids were. Their parents stayed together which is a possibility here even if you do tell everyone.

It went on for years and was just a constant anxiety. The daughter even ended up in my poor sister's antenatal group. I moved away so she got the rougher deal.

It might feel good for now to do it but I think you are absolutely right to consider your children first.

Of course the affair could continue and this all happens anyway but if that's the case it's not on you. And if her husband has suspicions, you splitting will heighten these anyway.

Your husband is an arsehole. The kids aren't aware of this as you have been shielding them and protecting him. It won't be your job do this any more once you are no longer a couple.

Obviously, you won't bad mouth your husband to your children but you need to be honest particularly with your 24-year old DD.

He convinced you to not break up your marriage after his first affair and he is already being unfaithful again, very publicly. I bet he's getting a thrill with this risky behaviour.

Your worse case scenario of 'A' losing the plot and trying to harm you, your family and/or your home is extremely unlikely. You may even become allies once the truth is out there.

I bet you your stbxh will bad mouth you to your dcs and to anyone who will listen.

They adore their father? They adore a fiction.

It is really hard when your parents turn out to be human let alone as much of a creep as your stbxh is. But it’s life.