It's another MIL one....

[Lennal]

Walked in to MIL on the phone, guess she didn't realise I was there. She was talking to someone saying basically how she doesn't like certain things about me and how she has told all of her family/friends about our personal relationship problems , and about how my "troubled childhood" has caused unacceptable behaviours. She then went on to bullet point all the things I don't do that she wished I would, basically she wants me to be someone I'm not.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married. Now I know all his siblings and extended family know our business. I already suspected this and some of them would blank me and not acknowledge me if I met them or they came over. I did bring this to dp's attention but he dismissed me and told me it was in my head. Now it's been confirmed that what I thought was true, was in fact very much so the case!

I don't get MIL, she has deliberately gone out of her way to spread negativity about me despite being the mother of her grandchildren. It's like she wanted to harm my relationship and people's perception of me.

I don't know how I can walk down the aisle knowing all his family think badly of me and don't like me because of things she has said. I'm a sahm with a 7 month old baby. What the hell do I do?!

Dh wants to talk things out with MIL but in my eyes they've aired out how they truly feel about me. The damage is done and you can't take back what is already said.

The most important thing is does your DH have your back and will support you? Does he take your side over his mums or will the meeting be about you conceding?
You’re very vulnerable financially with a baby and not being married

Think very, very carefully about marrying into that family. Your DP’s reaction is going to be key here, but this needs to be stopped immediately

@rubyslippers wedding has been booked and paid for. I feel stupid now in hindsight, thinking about handing out the wedding invites to his family knowing what they think of me.

Dp agrees MIL has been out of order for this but is definitely minimising and said "oh she doesn't mean to cause harm" ect. He thinks a simple chat will sort this when at this point the damage she has cussed clearly extends way past her. We have spoken to MIL before about privacy as she has a tendency to have a loose mouth and I've overhead her telling friends about me before. She promised she wouldn't, yet here we are.

Can you give a couple of examples of what she has shared?

Dps reaction seems on the fence, he knows what she has done is wrong but I don't think he is ready to say that.

Did you make your presence known to her after listening to her bad mouth you on the phone? What was her reaction?

How did she react when she finally realised you were present?. Did you tell your fiancé what his mother said?.

Your fiancé is key here. Can he stand up to his mother or is he one of those men who says, "well you know what she is like" etc. If he is inert re his mother his inertia when it comes to her will hurt him as much as you. You are indeed very vulnerable here re being unmarried and a mother.

And as I suspected he is on the fence re his mother. Think long and hard before you marry him because his mother will continue to be a toxic person after you marry too. Promises made by such people like his mother really mean bugger all. She will not likely think any more of you for marrying her son; she probably will think you have stolen him away from her. I would keep your child well away from her going forward regardless of whether you remain together or not. It will do your child no favours at all for he/she to see you as their mother being so disrespected.

He’s telling you, clearly, you can’t rely on him
sorry but it would make me very cautious

@snugasabug75 my and dps relationship problems mostly I assume and then most likely her two pence on how bad I am because of it

@ThirdStorm she didnt act any different when she realised I was there.

Why are you marrying a man you have ‘relationship problems’ with?

He needs to be ready to say it. Her behaviour is rude and unacceptable. If he cannot stand up for you with those very simple words I would not be happy.

You are his priority now; your feelings and happiness. Not his mother’s.

Ok, so your MIL doesn't like you.

My question is, why the fuck does she even know any of this? Why does she have details of your relationship issues and childhood traumas to pass on? Who is telling her this information? Because that person is your real problem.

@Poms because we've worked on them and got over it. Not everyone's relationship leading up to marriage is flawless and never approaches difficulties

You have a dp problem. To know your relationship issues he's gone to her and disclosed them. This is why he's minimising what she has said.

"because we've worked on them and got over it".
I would argue this has not fully happened.

The fact he remains on the fence re his mother is a problem in its own right. Does he still seek her approval even now?. Does he revert to child like mode in her presence?.

Who is his primary loyalty to; his mother or you as his partner. It appears he is far more afraid of her than he is of upsetting you. Is he yet another man who cowers when faced with his mother?. He cannot keep using you as some sort of buffer either.

I didn’t mean that your relationship should be flawless, but backing you up is the bare minimum.

@JudgeBread we lived with them for a short amount of time whilst we had house work done and she would stand outside the room we were in and listen in to conversations.

I agree with PP that the key thing is how your DP reacts to this, and whether he has your back. From what you've told us, he doesn't have your back. But you know him, anonymous folks on the internet don't, so you have to decide whether he does/does not. If he doesn't now, this is only going to get worse.

I also wonder how your MIL knows so much about you and your relationship problems? Perhaps keep her at arms length going forward. No personal conversations/information etc - this needs to be respected by you and your DP. Do you think you and he will be able to do that?

Never tell her anything again. Ever. And tell dp if he does there won't be a wedding.. And mean it. Can you down grade anything that's paid for? Like the food his awful relatives will be eating?

I don't know how we move forward from this. Part of me thinks I just need to pack bags and go

Only if there is much more of a backstory than just a gossipy snippy MIL - because that is, alas, very common. I guess it depends on what else is going on with your relationship, and how supported you feel in general.

And your husband didn't tell her to mind her own business?

Then, unsurprisingly, your husband is your big issue here.

@JudgeBread mil would involve herself. Dp would tell her to back off but like I said she would stand outside to listen in or hover around.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet I don't know how we get married when I now know his family don't like me. If there is no marriage on the table then this is a relationship breaker to me and dp has always known that