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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's another MIL one....

63 replies

Lennal · 18/12/2025 15:09

Walked in to MIL on the phone, guess she didn't realise I was there. She was talking to someone saying basically how she doesn't like certain things about me and how she has told all of her family/friends about our personal relationship problems , and about how my "troubled childhood" has caused unacceptable behaviours. She then went on to bullet point all the things I don't do that she wished I would, basically she wants me to be someone I'm not.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married. Now I know all his siblings and extended family know our business. I already suspected this and some of them would blank me and not acknowledge me if I met them or they came over. I did bring this to dp's attention but he dismissed me and told me it was in my head. Now it's been confirmed that what I thought was true, was in fact very much so the case!

I don't get MIL, she has deliberately gone out of her way to spread negativity about me despite being the mother of her grandchildren. It's like she wanted to harm my relationship and people's perception of me.

I don't know how I can walk down the aisle knowing all his family think badly of me and don't like me because of things she has said. I'm a sahm with a 7 month old baby. What the hell do I do?!

Dh wants to talk things out with MIL but in my eyes they've aired out how they truly feel about me. The damage is done and you can't take back what is already said.

OP posts:
Poms · 18/12/2025 15:57

Lennal · 18/12/2025 15:56

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet I don't know how we get married when I now know his family don't like me. If there is no marriage on the table then this is a relationship breaker to me and dp has always known that

You don’t need his family to like you, you just need your dp to be strong enough to put you first and stand up for you

Original poster
Lennal · 18/12/2025 15:58

@Poms and how does that look?

OP posts:
RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 18/12/2025 15:58

snugasabug75 · 18/12/2025 15:26

You have a dp problem. To know your relationship issues he's gone to her and disclosed them. This is why he's minimising what she has said.

I agree. It wouldn't surprise me if she isn't the only one he's been talking to.

Sorry OP but there's every chance that this relationship is doomed and maybe you need to think carefully about whether to marry into this family or not.

Happyjoe · 18/12/2025 15:59

Can you elope? Sod the big wedding..

OP, the woman sounds awful, am sorry. She needs to be kept at arms length to protect yourself. My grandma was similar to my mum, shoddy treatment and it didn't stop throughout their marriage, just to warn you.

Hubby needs to stand up for you, big time because you are the family he's chosen. He also needs to be very careful to never say another thing about you to your mum again, so she has nothing to spread or weaponise. He has to really understand this. I think it's best to keep away from her yourself too, obviously up to hubby what contact he has himself and you shouldn't stop that.

Other than that, if you are happy with your hubby to be, then don't let his family ruin it all. Best thing you could ever be that would piss her off more than anything is to see you guys happy together!

Poms · 18/12/2025 16:00

Lennal · 18/12/2025 15:58

@Poms and how does that look?

It looks like him settling boundaries, and showing he won’t tolerate disrespect.

CraftyYankee · 18/12/2025 16:01

Lennal · 18/12/2025 15:58

@Poms and how does that look?

He needs to tell his mother to respect you as his choice of partner and the mother of his children. He needs to not tell her anything private about you or your relationship. He needs to tell her if she gossips and creates trouble with the wider family then she will be seeing far less of him and the GC. He needs to tell her he has your back and then prove it through his actions.

Original poster
Lennal · 18/12/2025 16:03

@poms he has already said that and she has violated the boundary again. So I don't know what more he can do or what repercussions he can enforce on her for it?

OP posts:
whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 18/12/2025 16:05

Lennal · 18/12/2025 15:55

@JudgeBread mil would involve herself. Dp would tell her to back off but like I said she would stand outside to listen in or hover around.

Does she live with you? Why is she around to listen to you?

Original poster
Lennal · 18/12/2025 16:06

@Happyjoe I could elope but my dmum has really been looking forward to this and I was also looking forward to the kids being included in the memory. It seems such a shame to allow his mother and family to ruin it for me and my side of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lennal · 18/12/2025 16:07

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet I said we lived with her for a small period.

OP posts:
whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 18/12/2025 16:10

Lennal · 18/12/2025 16:07

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet I said we lived with her for a small period.

Ah, okay, missed that. Perhaps just keep her at arms distance from now on. She really doesn't appear to have any boundaries!

In any case, you need to be talking to your DP about how this is making you question your entire relationship. See how he reacts and you'll have information for your decision.

bibbadee · 18/12/2025 16:15

I could have written this! My MIL Hates me. HATES me!

im a normal person with a normal life, normal friendships, normal job, normal family. Just the fact that I married her son is enough for me to be awful. It’s not just me, the other DIL is also disliked. Neither of us really know what we’ve done but we love our husbands so to a certain extent grin and bear it.

the consequences have been… MIL is hardly involved in our lives. She never looks after that DC and never left alone with them. She can’t be trusted. She isn’t invited to important events, like carols, school plays, birthday parties etc. she’s kept at arms length.
it has caused tension between me and DH as it’s his mum, she raised him so he finds it hard, if not impossible to lay done the law, but I wouldn’t let her ruin my relationship with my DH.

having been in your position for longer, my advice would be to let her know that she must be respectful of you. If she can’t be respectful, the consequences will be x x and x (whatever you decide).

Best of luck!

Daleksatemyshed · 18/12/2025 16:23

If it's not too outing what are these unacceptable behaviours she's talking about Op? I suspect she's just another DM who doesn't think anyone's good enough for her DS so she's badmouthing you to get the family on her side, or is it possible she knew you were there listening to her ad she's hoping you'll break off the engagement

Anxietyismenow · 18/12/2025 16:27

You don't only have a mil problem you have a husband to be problem. He should be pulling her up on her behaviour, whether she likes you or not she shouldn't be talking about you like that to someone else. Especially private conversations.

I feel for you as my inlaws caused me nothing but problems but my husband would stand by me and in the end he cut them off as he had enough.

You need a serious chat before you get married. I wouldn't not marry him because of his family sod them all but it's what he does about this I think. Uninvite them all maybe and have people around that love you..

Good luck

Anxietyismenow · 18/12/2025 16:29

bibbadee · 18/12/2025 16:15

I could have written this! My MIL Hates me. HATES me!

im a normal person with a normal life, normal friendships, normal job, normal family. Just the fact that I married her son is enough for me to be awful. It’s not just me, the other DIL is also disliked. Neither of us really know what we’ve done but we love our husbands so to a certain extent grin and bear it.

the consequences have been… MIL is hardly involved in our lives. She never looks after that DC and never left alone with them. She can’t be trusted. She isn’t invited to important events, like carols, school plays, birthday parties etc. she’s kept at arms length.
it has caused tension between me and DH as it’s his mum, she raised him so he finds it hard, if not impossible to lay done the law, but I wouldn’t let her ruin my relationship with my DH.

having been in your position for longer, my advice would be to let her know that she must be respectful of you. If she can’t be respectful, the consequences will be x x and x (whatever you decide).

Best of luck!

It's not just you honestly I could write a book about mine and the FIL who was just as bad. They only ruin it for themselves!

Delphiniumandlupins · 18/12/2025 16:42

There's a good chance the wider family know what your (future) MiL is like so they won't dislike you just because she does. Does your fiance have any siblings and how does she behave towards their partners?

Discuss with your DP what consequences you are both prepared to implement (banning her from your wedding/not being alone with your DC/not having her in your home?). Emphasise that she doesn't have to like you but he wants to marry you and you are the mother of her DGC. If she can't stop badmouthing you to other people she will lose contact with not only you.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 18/12/2025 16:48

Lennal · 18/12/2025 16:03

@poms he has already said that and she has violated the boundary again. So I don't know what more he can do or what repercussions he can enforce on her for it?

It really doesn't matter what the wider family think of you - you don't have to have anything to do with them. Quite literally, you can decline to go to visit them. Let DP go alone.
It doesn't matter if she gossips and bitches - just ignore it all like you ignore birds cawing and dogs barking as irrelevant background noise.

A few things:
Do you want to ban her from your house? Would DP back you up on this?

Do you want to not let her see your DC / her grandchild? Or only have supervised access with you around? Would your DP back you up on this?

Are you happy for DP to take DC to visit his mother without you?

Without knowing what your boundaries are, and how she violated them, it is difficult to advise.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 18/12/2025 16:49

Your future MIL doesn’t particularly like you.

Unless you and your DP never speak to her again she's always going to behave as she wants, so at least if you chose to go ahead with the wedding you'll be going into this marrage knowing that's what you're going to get.

Sunshineandoranges · 18/12/2025 16:51

Erm...you are marrying him not his mother. Your reaction sounds odd to me.

TheHillIsMine · 18/12/2025 16:53

I'd give your children's father one chance to speak to his family and tell them to stop all this nonsense. He doesn't sound like a partner when he's such a wet lettuce about his more.

I'd then leave when he doesn't stand up for you and she doesn't stop.

Coffeislife · 18/12/2025 16:55

What kind if things were ssdi though?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 18/12/2025 17:09

My MIL was the same, the consequences of her actions were that we went NC and she's never met our children. Your DH needs to be onboard though, otherwise your life will be hell.

chunkyBoo · 18/12/2025 17:12

She’s a bitch! My MIL is similar, except everyone knows she a cow / narc and has blown up at everyone at some time in her 80 years … I suspect all the family have a good idea what MIL is like too

KiwiFall · 18/12/2025 17:16

I would have it out with her and your DP at the same time. Then I would actually consider disinviting his family if they hate you that much. Depends on whether your DP can set boundaries and stick to them. If not can you go NC. Would he do that?

abracabarbara · 18/12/2025 17:16

No advice, but she listens into your conversations and you listen into hers?
You both sound like different sides of the same coin tbh.