It's another MIL one....

[Lennal]

Walked in to MIL on the phone, guess she didn't realise I was there. She was talking to someone saying basically how she doesn't like certain things about me and how she has told all of her family/friends about our personal relationship problems , and about how my "troubled childhood" has caused unacceptable behaviours. She then went on to bullet point all the things I don't do that she wished I would, basically she wants me to be someone I'm not.

Me and dp are meant to be getting married. Now I know all his siblings and extended family know our business. I already suspected this and some of them would blank me and not acknowledge me if I met them or they came over. I did bring this to dp's attention but he dismissed me and told me it was in my head. Now it's been confirmed that what I thought was true, was in fact very much so the case!

I don't get MIL, she has deliberately gone out of her way to spread negativity about me despite being the mother of her grandchildren. It's like she wanted to harm my relationship and people's perception of me.

I don't know how I can walk down the aisle knowing all his family think badly of me and don't like me because of things she has said. I'm a sahm with a 7 month old baby. What the hell do I do?!

Dh wants to talk things out with MIL but in my eyes they've aired out how they truly feel about me. The damage is done and you can't take back what is already said.

I’ve been in a similar situation. They’re were a very Us Against Them kind of family. Daughter in laws were an enemy invading it seemed, however Son In Laws were fine and giggled and simpered at 🙄

It never got any better and I am glad to be divorced and out of it.

It's time to give him the talk.

If he continues to minimize his mother's dislike of you and shit talking you to his family, maybe he should go and live with her since he doesn't seem to get what marriage is, putting his spouse first. You will miss him and you love him very much but he's acting like his primary commitment is to his mom and her dislike of you has made you extremely uncomfortable. So he can visit and enjoy his time with his children and then go home to his mom.

But if he decides to stay with you, he has to actively choose you. The shit talking stops. His mother is civil and polite. Any backstabbing, he has to address it right then. He has to make it clear to her that his wife to be and children are his priorities.

You need to get working ASAP. SAH is not going to work for you. You need to have some independence because your partner is the problem, not your future mil.

It's a shame you are a sahm, otherwise I would suggest leaving before you waste anymore time and energy on this family. As you are now stuck in this situation - and I'm going to presume you will get married regardless - I wish you all the best.

@abracabarbara I don't listen to her conversations. I came in and heard my name. I then waited next door for her to finish, and could hear everything very clearly. She didn't seem to keep it hushed even though she must have heard me come into the house since I could hear her.

@BeeCucumber yup, it certainly does feel that way. Like my life is written out for me and done for. I've basically trapped myself into this family for better or for worse. I stupidly got pregnant very young and knew no better. How I wish I could turn back the time and give my younger self a stern talking to, although I do not regret my lovely DC.

If you think you can get married and stay married for 2 years this is what you do. It'll give you more stability. It sounds like your relationship with your husband to be is actually ok if you take MIL out of the equation. So that's exactly what you do. Thick skin. Every time she wants to come round you and baba don't be there until they are much older. Dont host. Go to all the family events but don't drink and use an excuse to go home early. Stop thinking of them as an extension of your family. They're not. They are never going to have your back. They are an obligation and no more. If their behaviour improves you can relax a bit but in the first instance protect yourself and Baba first.

@outerspacepotato 's post is excellent.

You need to mean it, too.

I overheard my MIL slagging me off once. It broke my heart because I really liked her.

I never said anything to her but I am more guarded around her now, I might drop the bomb one day though. It’s in my back pocket, should I ever need it.

You’ve got a few options here OP but I think all can be summarised by you becoming the problem and not accepting MIL’s behaviour. Don’t accept it now it’s out on the open. You could walk. You could say you will not have her at the wedding. You could publicly shame her at the wedding. If you do get married you can cut her out. Whether your husband has your back or not he would need your participation for you to be in a room with her. If she doesn’t play nice I would personally ensure that she and her family are cut out of your family’s lives. My husband and I lived abroad when our child was young and we have quite limited family contact as a result. It’s been fine. I suspect she may have always been creating issues and your husband and his family are used to placating her, it will be tough for him to stop this and that’s why you have to be more unreasonable than MIL to cut through.

Pay very close attention to your partners reaction here. Because he doesn’t seem to grasp the emotional impact. He also seems to think that relationships happen around him and aren’t really his responsibility. If that’s the case you’ll see his passive investment play out in your own marriage.

OP just to say I also agree with @FlockOfSausageshere, if you stick around with someone who can’t manoeuvre relationships you’ll be steering the ship for years to come and that is exhausting.

Honestly, OP, I think you can do much better than this man. He's got a really awful family and he will always side with them. It's not worth marrying when you know it'll end in disaster.

Is there any way you can take the child/ren and go to your mum's?

Elope! Or take a handful of family with you and go to Skye and get married there. It’s amazing. You won’t enjoy the wedding now anyway, so forget the money and do something you would enjoy.