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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In-laws have no boundaries

55 replies

mommyandmore · 17/12/2025 08:10

Hi all,
Looking for some outside perspective as this still bothers me and I’m not sure if I should just let it go.

We had a very small wedding (35 guests) with only our nearest and dearest. It was meant to be a classy, elegant reception. My husband’s brothers (and niece) decided it would be “funny” to dress up as inflatable chickens and make an entrance during the reception. One of them even stood on a chair. They’d planned it in advance and hadn’t asked either of us — particularly not me. Apparently one had wanted to do it in the church but was stopped.

The music then went wrong while they tried to find the theme tune, which made the whole thing more awkward. On top of that, one brother gave a speech that went on for about 45 minutes, went completely off piste, and he’d had too much to drink. It was very uncomfortable for guests and honestly humiliating for me. I had to laugh it off at the time but was very upset.

Afterwards I was told they did it because my husband loved chicken run and because they thought the wedding might be “a bit dry” otherwise due to being small and having no entertainment. My guests were visibly shocked.

This fits a wider pattern of self-centred behaviour from them. We now have a child and have put some boundaries in place, and as a result we see them much less. They’ve more or less drifted away since we stopped bending over backwards. I can’t imagine them behaving this way at someone else’s wedding (especially now one brother is engaged).

My husband is fairly neutral — he doesn’t think it was great, but doesn’t feel as strongly as I do. I still feel embarrassed and angry, and I don’t think I’ve forgiven them.

So…
– Am I overreacting holding onto this?
– Was this as disrespectful as it felt, given the context?
– Or should I genuinely try to let it go?

Interested in honest opinions
Also I met with sister in law yesterday and gave her presents - beautiful candle and a big hamper for the family to enjoy. We were given a bottle of yellow tail Shiraz. As usually extravagant gift givers I think this speaks volumes.

OP posts:
Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:12

husband loved chicken run

as a child presumably?

all sounds incredibly weird and your husband being “neutral” is also bloody weird

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:13

mommyandmore · 17/12/2025 08:10

Hi all,
Looking for some outside perspective as this still bothers me and I’m not sure if I should just let it go.

We had a very small wedding (35 guests) with only our nearest and dearest. It was meant to be a classy, elegant reception. My husband’s brothers (and niece) decided it would be “funny” to dress up as inflatable chickens and make an entrance during the reception. One of them even stood on a chair. They’d planned it in advance and hadn’t asked either of us — particularly not me. Apparently one had wanted to do it in the church but was stopped.

The music then went wrong while they tried to find the theme tune, which made the whole thing more awkward. On top of that, one brother gave a speech that went on for about 45 minutes, went completely off piste, and he’d had too much to drink. It was very uncomfortable for guests and honestly humiliating for me. I had to laugh it off at the time but was very upset.

Afterwards I was told they did it because my husband loved chicken run and because they thought the wedding might be “a bit dry” otherwise due to being small and having no entertainment. My guests were visibly shocked.

This fits a wider pattern of self-centred behaviour from them. We now have a child and have put some boundaries in place, and as a result we see them much less. They’ve more or less drifted away since we stopped bending over backwards. I can’t imagine them behaving this way at someone else’s wedding (especially now one brother is engaged).

My husband is fairly neutral — he doesn’t think it was great, but doesn’t feel as strongly as I do. I still feel embarrassed and angry, and I don’t think I’ve forgiven them.

So…
– Am I overreacting holding onto this?
– Was this as disrespectful as it felt, given the context?
– Or should I genuinely try to let it go?

Interested in honest opinions
Also I met with sister in law yesterday and gave her presents - beautiful candle and a big hamper for the family to enjoy. We were given a bottle of yellow tail Shiraz. As usually extravagant gift givers I think this speaks volumes.

You admit you are “extravagant” gift givers.
So don’t judge others by your own standards

Original poster
mommyandmore · 17/12/2025 08:14

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:12

husband loved chicken run

as a child presumably?

all sounds incredibly weird and your husband being “neutral” is also bloody weird

Yes of course!

OP posts:
Original poster
mommyandmore · 17/12/2025 08:16

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:13

You admit you are “extravagant” gift givers.
So don’t judge others by your own standards

Show quote history

Sorry, this was meant as they For example I was
gifted a Tiffany necklace in the past etc.It doesn’t matter but it’s a big contrast now. Also she was then telling me what she had bought for everyone else - all designer bags etc..

OP posts:
Prelim · 17/12/2025 08:16

Some families have little in jokes, some siblings would find it funny and some wouldn’t, maybe they got the tone wrong. I’m not sure why your husband or you didn’t intervene in the 45min speech though!!

Original poster
mommyandmore · 17/12/2025 08:18

Prelim · 17/12/2025 08:16

Some families have little in jokes, some siblings would find it funny and some wouldn’t, maybe they got the tone wrong. I’m not sure why your husband or you didn’t intervene in the 45min speech though!!

I now wish I did but I felt so stuck as
i asked DH and he said to let him go on

OP posts:
Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:18

Your DH sounds like an utter limp lettuce

Original poster
mommyandmore · 17/12/2025 08:19

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:18

Your DH sounds like an utter limp lettuce

I sometimes agree with that statement

OP posts:
SlightlyFeckless · 17/12/2025 08:20

Think of it this way — what good is it doing you to hold onto this grudge from your wedding day? Regardless of whether it was a well-intentioned joke that fell flat or a conscious attempt at sabotage, or whatever, it’s in the past and can’t be undone. You need to find a way of coming to terms with it. You married someone whose family behaved embarrassingly at your wedding.

And surely it’s not surprising that if you’ve deliberately gone low-contact with then since that they’ve dialled gift-giving right back? Why did you give them extravagant presents?

DappledThings · 17/12/2025 08:21

They sound utterly bizarre and it was obviously very rude of them to do. At the same time you do sound rather uptight and describing your wedding as "classy and elegant" is a bit cringy. Were you telling people ahead of time that's what it was going to be?

Username19893847477374 · 17/12/2025 08:21

I vote just let it go. Let yourself sit with the feelings, and then make a vow to not give a shit anymore. Fake it til you make it.

If its any consolation, I went to a wedding of a cousin and the best man did the MOST AWKWARD hour long speech that completely bombed. None of us felt the bride should be embarrassed and no one felt she was humiliated. The best man was the one we were all dying for inside.

paradisecircus · 17/12/2025 08:22

Sorry OP, I laughed at the inflatable chicken thing, but I can see that this was cringeworthy for you and a mismatch with your expectations. I'm wondering if you were setting the expectation bar a bit high with "classy" and "elegant", given the mix of people invited.

Some of what you've described - overlong best man speech (assuming brother was the BM), people being drunk and technical difficulties - is fairly typical at weddings. They aren't usually perfect. I think I'm more on your husband's 'let it go' side - what would raising it do anyway? Sounds like there might be other problems with the in laws going forward, but maybe deal with those on a 'case by case' basis as it were.

On another note, re the Christmas presents, I think the lesson is not to give a beautiful candle or a big hamper again. You will only resent the inequality if they give you a bottle of wine. Give them a bottle of something next year, or agree not to do presents.

FestiveBauble · 17/12/2025 08:22

Oh that’s so embarrassing - it’s also not the sort of thing you just forget, it’s on your wedding day! Especially when it’s some random thing that doesn’t even relate to your husband at all, if he was a chicken run aficionado and watched it weekly I’d understand. Some people just want to be the centre of attention! It’s so disrespectful of your wedding too, on a special day for my family I couldn’t imagine performing something like that.

Weddings don’t need to be some sort of giant spectacle, I’m not sure why his family thought that. In his shoes he’s perhaps used to them being like this so isn’t as put out? It’s not something I would carry about daily thinking about, but I wouldn’t actually forgive them. I’d definitely stick to your current firmer boundaries with them.

AlwaysAFaithful · 17/12/2025 08:22

They definitely sound like they have main character vibes about them. Presumably they think you are a bit stuffy and a bit stuck up and that they are being SO HILARIOUS 🤦🏻‍♀️.

If it were my wedding, I would have been pretty pissed off … but I can imagine sitting around with my girlfriends a few weeks later and telling them all about it and having tears running down my face because it’s so ridiculous that it has to at some point become funny. I don’t think you can hold onto this chicken angst any longer.

Ask for the present buying you should take your cue from the other person. Don’t expect them to match what sounds like quite excessive spending. You might want to spend a little more than she has done on you just to satisfy your enjoyment of present buying, but a hamper versus one bottle of modesty priced wine is just going to leave u feeling resentful.

Not2identifying · 17/12/2025 08:23

I'm sorry they had such an impact on your wedding day and on your memory of the day. I would also take a dim view of this type of behaviour. Maybe it would help if you started to plan a celebration - without the in laws - for a milestone anniversary. The holiday of a lifetime on your 10th anniversary maybe?

Forgiveness tends to be easier if they show some contrition. Have you ever spoken to any of them about what they did and explain that it upset you and given them a chance to apologise? I don't know how long ago this was but if it was some time ago you could say that the recent engagement in the family has brought these memories back and ask to talk about it with them.

Ultimately, 'letting go' is for your own benefit because these memories hurt you. It does not have to mean becoming a doormat or enabling them. Boundaries and distance are okay!

Usually, part of going through life with a partner means also having the partner's family in your life. The people with the best relationships (that I know of), made a real effort to ensure that their partner and their family were well integrated and get on together, often sharing similar outlooks and values. When it's done well, the bonds can be really strong. People who don't do this often encounter difficulties but, I get it, finding a partner can be difficult enough. Finding a partner with a wonderful family can sometimes feel like an impossible mission.

sunnieday · 17/12/2025 08:24

They misjudged the chicken thing and you held onto it, and punished them with your 'boundaries' and barely let them see their neice/nephew. It's not like their intention was to embarrass you, or ruin the elegance of your wedding.

To quote another post from yesterday- you turned it into some destructive family fall out and held it against them for years to come.

They probably don't like you that much now- hence the cheap bottle of wine. Have you also stopped spending Christmas with them?

Get over it & laugh it off, you'll be much happier for it.

JetFlight · 17/12/2025 09:07

That’s awful op. They knew it was a small wedding and were so insensitive making a judgement about how boring it sounded.
If that’s a reflection of their behaviour and attitude generally, ie putting themselves and their feelings at the centre of everything, then carry on with your boundaries, accept the shift in the relationships and carry on.
They’ve shown you your “value” to them now and take that as your cue going forward. But don’t dwell on the wedding. It’s not a reflection on you or your husband, guests will know that.

bigboykitty · 17/12/2025 09:12

They sound awful, OP. Totally self-absorbed and inappropriate. Narcissistic, in fact. Your H clearly doesn't have your back. Is he wanting to 'get back in' with them? If so, I think you're wasting your time with him. The chicken thing it utterly ridiculous. Disrespectful wankers.

Cantyouseethishorselovesme · 17/12/2025 09:59

A wedding is about the couple getting married. Yes, most of us expect at least one speech to drone on forever, and there'll be at least one person who gets too drunk for comfort, but hiring inflatable chicken costumes, and giving a performance, disguised as a family in-joke? That's an attention-grab.

Sorry OP, I bet you wish you could go back in time and puncture the costumes with a hat pin! Maybe you could buy hundreds of tiny plastic chickens online and casually drop a few in BIL's house whenever you visit.

UpDownAllAround1 · 17/12/2025 10:10

Jeez just move on.

Gall10 · 17/12/2025 10:15

Probably never happened.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 17/12/2025 10:47

I am also in Team Let it Go - although I can understand why you'd be annoyed. As for the gift giving - scale down your gifts to match theirs. You have decided to put boundaries in place, and that is your right, and they have decided to scale down from the Tiffany necklace to a bottle of Yellowtail Shiraz, so match them! Presumably the designer handbags are for people without these boundaries, it isn't where you want to be, so accept that.

Tryingatleast · 17/12/2025 10:57

mommyandmore
Premierinno
Your DH sounds like an utter limp lettuce
I sometimes agree with that statement

ah ffs, come on, if you think that ye shouldn’t be married, I’d hate my dh saying/ thinking something like that! Op he either didn’t want a big argument or he secretly wanted to listen to the speech, watch the car crash awfulness etc. The apple doesn’t fall from the tree is a very valid thing, people hide their true selves because they love someone but secretly maybe that’s his thing and that’s ok but you just need to reevaluate how compatible you are or else maybe try and just settle into their very different family!

GinaandGin · 17/12/2025 12:25

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:18

Your DH sounds like an utter limp lettuce

Agree.
I wouldn't be standing for this neutrality business

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/12/2025 12:26

mommyandmore · 17/12/2025 08:19

I sometimes agree with that statement

Show quote history

Yet you chose to marry him …..