In-laws have no boundaries

[mommyandmore]

Hi all,
Looking for some outside perspective as this still bothers me and I’m not sure if I should just let it go.

We had a very small wedding (35 guests) with only our nearest and dearest. It was meant to be a classy, elegant reception. My husband’s brothers (and niece) decided it would be “funny” to dress up as inflatable chickens and make an entrance during the reception. One of them even stood on a chair. They’d planned it in advance and hadn’t asked either of us — particularly not me. Apparently one had wanted to do it in the church but was stopped.

The music then went wrong while they tried to find the theme tune, which made the whole thing more awkward. On top of that, one brother gave a speech that went on for about 45 minutes, went completely off piste, and he’d had too much to drink. It was very uncomfortable for guests and honestly humiliating for me. I had to laugh it off at the time but was very upset.

Afterwards I was told they did it because my husband loved chicken run and because they thought the wedding might be “a bit dry” otherwise due to being small and having no entertainment. My guests were visibly shocked.

This fits a wider pattern of self-centred behaviour from them. We now have a child and have put some boundaries in place, and as a result we see them much less. They’ve more or less drifted away since we stopped bending over backwards. I can’t imagine them behaving this way at someone else’s wedding (especially now one brother is engaged).

My husband is fairly neutral — he doesn’t think it was great, but doesn’t feel as strongly as I do. I still feel embarrassed and angry, and I don’t think I’ve forgiven them.

So…
– Am I overreacting holding onto this?
– Was this as disrespectful as it felt, given the context?
– Or should I genuinely try to let it go?

Interested in honest opinions
Also I met with sister in law yesterday and gave her presents - beautiful candle and a big hamper for the family to enjoy. We were given a bottle of yellow tail Shiraz. As usually extravagant gift givers I think this speaks volumes.

yet you choose to write unhelpful comments …

At best they’re not good at knowing their audience, at worst they’re attention seeking twats who made your wedding all about them.

I would find your DH a wet lettuce though. I would expect him to have an opinion one way or the other and not sit on the fence.

I must admit I’m not sure I could get past them making such a pathetic scene at my wedding tbh.

They sound like utterly tedious "I'm Mad, me" attention seeking twats
Just avoid them as much as possible

Well, you did! Why complain after the fact?

Yes of course, he should cut off his family entirely, never speak to them and shun the people who raised him because his wife has boundaries.

Agree with all of this but suspect the OP is the kind who is secretly grateful to have a reason to go low contact.

They sound absolutely awful with zero regard for other people's wishes and feelings. I'd keep low contact with them. And as regards presents: don't expect much, don't give much.

It's not that surprising OP has decided to see less of these people going forward. Many other people would have done the same.

What was their intention if not to embarrass and otherwise show up their brother and his now wife?. They decided to cause a scene by acting like this and it looks like they have never apologised either.

Not normal at all.
They sound like morons, absolute morons.
Your husband is no better.
I can well imagine your guests shock, utterly cringe behaviour.
I wouldn't want to be near them and I'd be mortified at marrying into such a shower of nitwits that have no idea how to behave in public.

Don't doubt yourself.

I agree with this.

I'm getting the impression from what you've written that you envisioned some sort of what you perceive as "classy and elegant" exclusive do without really taking into account you were marrying into a family who are clearly a bit more relaxed and have a very different idea of what is enjoyable.
Now, I know someone's going to come back and say it was 'your day / your choice' BUT, I wonder whether your dh ever really felt able to express how he would like his wedding to be, or if there was an element of this being Mommyandmore 's vision of what a wedding "should" be rather than genuinely what you both wanted.

No, they probably shouldn't have done what they did, but I'd say it was born from a place of wanting to do something fun for your dh on the day, and not from a place of malice.

It has happened, and you holding on to it, and now limiting them access to your dc is not going to 'undo' it, but just building it into something much bigger than it needed to have been.

So…
– Am I overreacting holding onto this? Yes, completely
– Was this as disrespectful as it felt, given the context? No
– Or should I genuinely try to let it go? Yes.

If anyone had rambled on over about 10mins in a speech at my wedding, they would have been stopped.

The presents are nothing to do with your wedding, and everything to do with your choice of 'distancing yourselves' from your dh's family I should imagine.

They think your a pretentious snob and probably aimed to take you down a peg or at your wedding.
Your husband isn't arsed cos secretly he agrees.
You don't seem compatible if I'm honest .

I would have found it hilarious if someone had dressed as a chicken at my wedding and I think you’re being ridiculous to still feel embarrassed and angry after such a long time.

I would slowly start to make plans to sabotage the engaged brother in law's wedding. If your dh is asked to make a speech or act as best man, that's your perfect opportunity.

Create a power point of his chicken outfit & show his guests what an inappropriate twat he is. After all, it's not serious as he's got such a fantastic se.se of humour he'll see the tunny side of it.

Of course you should let it go, for yourself.

You aren’t overreacting. However I know from personal experience what it cause to your mental health by continuing to hold onto it.

You have set up your own boundaries which I’m hoping have helped. You need to try and move on for your own sake. But don’t forget and don’t let them overstep. I’d have taken the mic of them or told them to stop.

How long ago was the wedding incident?

It's done now and you can't go back in time and stop them

My in-laws think their bigoted comments are hilarious and laugh at their own jokes

It's unfortunate but I think you will just have to move on from this unfunny moment. Some folk just think EVERYONE appreciates their humour

One of them is engaged, you say?
Revenge is a dish best served very cold when least expected.

I hold a grudge like the best of them. And i would be planning what to do.

Also I met with sister in law yesterday and gave her presents - beautiful candle and a big hamper for the family to enjoy. We were given a bottle of yellow tail Shiraz. As usually extravagant gift givers I think this speaks volumes.

Why do you think they have gone from Tiffany jewellery as gifts to a bottle of wine?

You don't like them so why do you care?

They sound like the worst kind of brash, overbearing twats who think their preferences matter more than anyone else’s. The wedding thing is hideous.

The bottle of supermarket wine was clearly a dig if they usually buy expensive gifts and made a point of buying expensive things for everyone else.

They sound appalling and your husband sounds like a complete wetwipe.

How could that not have been the intention though? Who dresses up as animals and runs around at a wedding and doesn’t expect the bride to be embarrassed or it ruin an elegant occasion? She was not unreasonable to be upset by it (I’d be livid). They’d hate someone doing it theirs I’d expect.

They’ve more or less drifted away since we stopped bending over backwards.

You arent close and arent going to have a good relationship if you don't "make a change"
You are getting cheap shit wine because theres tension in the relationship/ they dont like you post wedding.

Fwiw I doubt i'd have a good relationship with them either - they sound like dickheads.
But....Assuming you are going to have to see them until forever you prob need to let it go...

The problem is they acted like dicks, ot wasn't stopped and ot wasn't addressed at the time, and now somehow you are the fun sponge rather than them being total dickheads at your wedding...)

If your DH is looking for his spine remind him its always the last place you look...

This is completely out of order and you have every right to feel hurt, upset and unable to move on.

I hate to say it but this is a husband problem more than anything. The fact they didn’t even think it would be an issue and knew there’d be no repercussions to their behaviour says it all. Also the fact he’s staying ‘neutral’ rings alarm bells. I guess he would fail to instil boundaries in other areas also with his family.

It sounds like a very selfish, sabotaging and disrespectful thing to do at someone else’s wedding. Regardless of the fun factor or if it’s a ‘joke’ without permission this is really not ok.

my sister in law tried her best to sabotage my wedding via a PowerPoint she had made for all my guests on her and my husbands happy childhood together. Almost like a love story. Safe to say it wasn’t aired at my wedding but husband initially ‘couldn’t see the problem’ with it. Annoying!!

you’ve every right to be upset.

Forgive them but put them at the bottom of your christmas list.