Mum (63) very angry and stressed all the time

[ammmmmo]

My mum, who is 63, has become increasingly angry and stressed and generally not that nice to be around over the past few years. She has taken early retirement (along with her husband), but she doesn’t have any hobbies, doesn’t want to drive anymore, doesn’t really see any friends and doesn’t do much in general! Her mobility isn’t great so she won’t go for walks (poor mobility not due to a medical condition, she just doesn’t exercise and as a result is quite weak on her legs), and is basically living quite a sheltered life. My dad still has hobbies which I am glad for - I wish she would as well but she is extremely stubborn and will not do anything, nor will she try anything new, despite anything we try to suggest or do to help her.

Over the past few years she has been getting increasingly angry and stressed, and she takes EVERYTHING out on my dad. She blames him for everything (things that can’t possibly be his fault - automatic blame on him). She snaps out of nowhere. She says weird things (my dad asked if she wanted a cup of tea and she replied “i don’t trust you to make a cup of tea” - I’m sorry what does that even mean?!) They’ve been married 30+ years.

It’s really getting my dad down, which I totally understand as there is no way I could spend 24/7 living with that degree of negativity. I try to tell her that she isn’t being reasonable or kind to him, and her reply is always “your dad and I are fine”. She genuinely doesn’t realise how difficult she is being despite how much we tell her.

I used to try and want to encourage her out of this but it has been years now and she is just getting worse and worse, and more negative and angry as weeks go by. I have tried so many things but she won’t change anything.

I used to think it might be menopause related but that’s been and gone, I wondered if anxiety/depression maybe plays a part but again she won’t look into anything like that. There are some days where I wonder if this is a very slow early onset dementia.

Does anyone have any similar experiences and advice?

It sounds like dementia. She should see her GP for an initial assessment. Also worth getting in touch with Alzheimer's society for info and support.

Sounds like she doesn't like your dad much tbh, did they ever have marital problems? Do you think she feels trapped in her life?

I don't know anything about dementia but I wonder if maybe telling her - full of concern - that you think she needs to see a doctor, because you are worried about her personality change, might at least shock her into lightening up. But she may just yell at you of course.

Difficult without knowing what uour dad wants to do about it, if anything

Jeezo, she’s 63, thats not old! I’d defo get her to her GP. Sadly my mum (we now realise looking back) was starting to develop dementia at that age, although I hope for all your sakes it’s not that.

I would imagine that she feels that she has lost her role in life. She no longer works, is potentially struggling with getting older, but won't help herself.
It sounds like she needs to find a purpose in life. Maybe help in a charity shop or do some voluntary work to help her feel 'useful' again and find a purpose in her life.

I wonder if it is something that happens at this age - post menopause. Tbh, I have been a bit like this lately. Really angry and snappy and a bit bitchy towards DH which is incredibly out of character. Luckily, most of the time we get on, and I do more than she does - I go for walks and try lots of new things, and still work PT. Dh and I go out a lot. But it is such an effort. I have binge watched so many long running US TV shows this past year - such a waste of time, and so unlike me. All my energy and zest has gone.

It's a guess, but I wonder if it is really herself she is furious with. That's the truth for me. Heightened awareness of mortality - and what is there to show for it? No longer needed by adult children. No longer that physically attractive. And very normal to have really severe insomnia which puts us all in bad moods.

Hard as it might be, you could try being really sympathetic and asking if she had any big dreams for retirement and does she want a bit of support kick-starting them. Or remind her that she is still young and you'd really like to work out with her and get back to peak fitness alongside her. Maybe remind of of things she has achieved in the past.

You could take her aside when she is mean to your dad and say, mum you are snapping at him all the time right now and it is so unlike you - what is going on? Challenging the behaviour is necessary for her to become aware of how grumpy she is becoming. She might bite your head off or burst into tears but it could open the way to a better conversation.

Yup about to say dementia.

It’s not your fault nor your dad’s she is like this. Do you remember a time when she was not verbally abusive towards your dad?. When did all this start with her?. How long ago?.

What does dad think of her behavior and what does he think is behind this?.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

She does this because she can and she has learnt this works for her.

Any memory problems?

goodness dementia?
that sounds unlikely at 63

do you nag her?
do you criticise her?

why dont you go out the two of you,
not wanting to drive sounds reasonable.
can you offer to drive her
would she like to do volunteering?
you can only encourage her in things that she can enjoy and is good at, less negative thinking.
your post is full of negativity.
you could make positive suggestions without critcism

This is exactly like my mum, except she’s 67.

Dementia, really!? Goodness, I hope not. I’ve just put it down to being older and more fed up with the world.

I will start paying closer attention now.

Why is it reasonable to stop driving at 63!

Id be worried OP if this is out of character.

it is common, and people get the fear

63 that is young, there must be something else going on here.

PS @EleanorReally i wasn’t quoting you

I doubt it's dementia, she lost her way since retiring & feeling unnerved about it. She's also realised she (rightly or wrongly) doesn't like her life partner.

She needs to see a doctor. It’s not normal to become reluctant to drive at 63!
Sadly, early onset dementia is becoming more common and is more likely to occur when people stop exercising, working and socialising. Mood swings and irritability are a sign of this. Your mum is behaving like someone 20 years older than she is, which may be something which can be helped.
If dementia is ruled out perhaps anti depressants or HRT? This could make your Dads life a lot happier too. It sounds miserable for him.

Was she previously living a full life- driving, seeing friends, having hobbies? If so, I’d be concerned, particularly given her anger and odd remarks. 63 is young to be living like this.
I’d say she needs aGP visit- if she’ll agree to go. This could be depression, Or less likely, early onset dementia.

what does your dad think? has he spoken to her?

Oh my god. You’ve described my mum, same age, same comment to my dad regarding the tea. Sister is that you? 🤦‍♀️. Been retired for a while, doesn’t do much or walk much. Not many hobbies. I gave up trying. I don’t think it’s dementia my mums still sharp. She’s just chronically dissatisfied and realised she doesn’t really like her husband very much.

That is very “old” behaviour for a 63yr old

a doctor visit would be good, imo

I'm staring 63 in the face and I have to say the instant diagnoses of dementia on this thread are a bit previous! You try being married to the same person for 30 years with all the inevitable resentments, disappointments and frustrations that build up, and see how you feel. It's not that you don't love your partner, but the constant compromise that a long relationship demands gets harder and harder as the reality of your own mortality hits home and the need to finally fulfill your own dreams becomes imperative. There is a reason why divorce rates are surging amongst the over 60's - maybe prepare yourself for that?

This reminds me so much of my sister. She is now almost sixty, but the symptoms have been present for a very long time. As a young woman she was gentle and soft spoken, but over the years she changed in ways I didn’t fully understand. I used to think it was just the weight of life, since neither of us had it easy and there was a lot of stress and trauma.

I only learned recently that she had been struggling privately with alcohol. Discovering this broke my heart, especially because we are very close and live nearby, yet I had no idea. Apparently, she had been drinking for almost a decade, quietly, throughout the day, but I never saw her incapacitated. Her husband and children knew much longer but didn’t share it with me.

I’m not saying this is what’s happening with your mom, but the similarities in symptoms feel very familiar to me. Perhaps, instead of speaking directly with her right now, you might consider talking with your dad to see if he knows more. Whatever the situation, I truly hope you find clarity and support. Wishing you strength and good luck.

How old are you? This is really sad. I wonder whether therapy might help you find your focus and your joy at this new stage?

I'm the same age as your mum OP, and I feel angry, pissed off and miserable all the time too. DH irritates the crap out of me. So that part I understand totally. By the way, the menopause ship takes a bloody long time to sail and I still get hot flushes and menopausal rage 24 years on and counting.

The rest of it is different though, like the 'I don't trust you to make a cup of tea' comment, that is concerning. Not wanting to drive, no hobbies, not wanting to see her friends - they all speak of deep-seated and long-term depression to me. And there is of course the possibility of the other D word as well.

Do you think your dad might be able to persuade her to see a GP?