Mum (63) very angry and stressed all the time

[ammmmmo]

My mum, who is 63, has become increasingly angry and stressed and generally not that nice to be around over the past few years. She has taken early retirement (along with her husband), but she doesn’t have any hobbies, doesn’t want to drive anymore, doesn’t really see any friends and doesn’t do much in general! Her mobility isn’t great so she won’t go for walks (poor mobility not due to a medical condition, she just doesn’t exercise and as a result is quite weak on her legs), and is basically living quite a sheltered life. My dad still has hobbies which I am glad for - I wish she would as well but she is extremely stubborn and will not do anything, nor will she try anything new, despite anything we try to suggest or do to help her.

Over the past few years she has been getting increasingly angry and stressed, and she takes EVERYTHING out on my dad. She blames him for everything (things that can’t possibly be his fault - automatic blame on him). She snaps out of nowhere. She says weird things (my dad asked if she wanted a cup of tea and she replied “i don’t trust you to make a cup of tea” - I’m sorry what does that even mean?!) They’ve been married 30+ years.

It’s really getting my dad down, which I totally understand as there is no way I could spend 24/7 living with that degree of negativity. I try to tell her that she isn’t being reasonable or kind to him, and her reply is always “your dad and I are fine”. She genuinely doesn’t realise how difficult she is being despite how much we tell her.

I used to try and want to encourage her out of this but it has been years now and she is just getting worse and worse, and more negative and angry as weeks go by. I have tried so many things but she won’t change anything.

I used to think it might be menopause related but that’s been and gone, I wondered if anxiety/depression maybe plays a part but again she won’t look into anything like that. There are some days where I wonder if this is a very slow early onset dementia.

Does anyone have any similar experiences and advice?

I agree with all this. I think also your mum needs compassion not judgement and criticism. She’s obviously struggling. You don’t know what her day to day life is like. Perhaps she is extremely irritated by living with her husband ( your father?) 24 hours a day and feels exhausted and over burdened. Take her out somewhere nice and really talk to her in a loving non judgmental way. Don’t tell her what you think she should be doing. Don’t lecture her or make assumptions. Be kind and loving. Take her out, plan treats for her. Make her feel valued. I suspect she is very depressed and feeling immobilised by a lack of purpose.

This and it does sound like your Dad is suffering. Do you live local? Could he have some unofficial respite from her? Eg a trip with you? Is that something that is possible for your time commitments and finances?But it does sound like she might be in mental decline and unwilling to help herself.

Who's choice was it for her to take early retirement? Maybe she is just angry and resentful that she is no longer working and feels that your dad pushed her into it somehow (maybe the change of behaviour a few years prior was the start of the discussions around the retirement plans), and making sly digs is her way of getting back at him. I think she sounds depressed that she no longer has a function in life other than being a wife and mother. Did she have any hobbies before she left work? It seems to me that your dad's life hasn't changed much since he gave up work but your mother's has. Maybe try to be a bit more understanding and a little less judgy.

Depression / anxiety and agitation on its own so medication and psychological help?

Or as a result of hypothyroidism, menopause or dementia.

Your parents' relationship is none of your business so keep out of that altogether. You don't need to do anything, unless you think this is dementia in which case speak with your dad and see what he thinks and whether he should encourage a GP visit.

I was going to mention this too - that isa possibility - my persona changed dramatically I think early 50swhen I discovered a few things about my H that had happened over the years, an emotional affair, chronic porn habit etc - I basically became I think a lot harder, a bit more’look after number one’ but others wouldn’t have known the reasons. It may be nothing like this but it’s possibility and may be she feels she is kind of ‘stuck’ with someone she may no longer feel the same about - combined with this it’s time when lots of friends can be ill/unwell, no longer meeting up , fear of joining anything new, looks declining (if that matters to you ) and no professional status/engagements- some people thrive on the lack of daily structure but others don’t -

I would go out with her for the day somewhere nice and ask how she ISAS say you’ve noticed she’s a bit down and ask if there’s anything particular causing this as say you are a bit concerned. Her comments are odd I agree , but could be related to a general dissatisfaction rather than dementia- how about a mum and daughter 4 or 5 days in the sun to somewhere ‘fun’?? I think you do need to bring up you have noticed , and obviously you can’t rule out early onset dementia - but I think you need to rule out other things first

I agree you need to keep out of it and not make choices for her, however if it’s part of the reason for her malaise then it’s useful to be aware if it’s not 100% ‘ if ‘ she wants to disclose this, rather than jump to dementia conclusions etc