Mum (63) very angry and stressed all the time

[ammmmmo]

My mum, who is 63, has become increasingly angry and stressed and generally not that nice to be around over the past few years. She has taken early retirement (along with her husband), but she doesn’t have any hobbies, doesn’t want to drive anymore, doesn’t really see any friends and doesn’t do much in general! Her mobility isn’t great so she won’t go for walks (poor mobility not due to a medical condition, she just doesn’t exercise and as a result is quite weak on her legs), and is basically living quite a sheltered life. My dad still has hobbies which I am glad for - I wish she would as well but she is extremely stubborn and will not do anything, nor will she try anything new, despite anything we try to suggest or do to help her.

Over the past few years she has been getting increasingly angry and stressed, and she takes EVERYTHING out on my dad. She blames him for everything (things that can’t possibly be his fault - automatic blame on him). She snaps out of nowhere. She says weird things (my dad asked if she wanted a cup of tea and she replied “i don’t trust you to make a cup of tea” - I’m sorry what does that even mean?!) They’ve been married 30+ years.

It’s really getting my dad down, which I totally understand as there is no way I could spend 24/7 living with that degree of negativity. I try to tell her that she isn’t being reasonable or kind to him, and her reply is always “your dad and I are fine”. She genuinely doesn’t realise how difficult she is being despite how much we tell her.

I used to try and want to encourage her out of this but it has been years now and she is just getting worse and worse, and more negative and angry as weeks go by. I have tried so many things but she won’t change anything.

I used to think it might be menopause related but that’s been and gone, I wondered if anxiety/depression maybe plays a part but again she won’t look into anything like that. There are some days where I wonder if this is a very slow early onset dementia.

Does anyone have any similar experiences and advice?

This was my DM at that age and yes it was the start of dementia.

It's quite a common 'symptom' of menopause. Lots of women lose confidence, and anxiety increases, and they really struggle with driving. Several of my friends have stopped driving in their mid 50s!

Get her to have her B12 levels tested, if low the symptoms are like dementia and also the grumpiness.
my Dads behaviour is transformed by B12 injections

Yep my mum is 60 and suddenly won’t drive on motorways… after 40+ years of doing so. Super weird

I know people are saying she sounds too young to have dementia, but this was almost exactly how my mum started with dementia at about 67. Little niggles becoming big worries. The biggest thing was she lost the security in how judgements were made, so she withdrew from making them and trusting others to make them. She couldn't compare two things properly. So your mum's comment to your dad "I don't trust you to make a cup of tea" really meant "I'm can't quite remember how a good cup of tea is made, or what knowledge you need to make it, so I have no way of working out how I know who will make tea well", There were lots of instances of my mum loosing the understanding of what was ok - for example if one of us was ill we usually "needed urgent medical attention" because she didn't understand how to know how bad a symptom was. She would constantly hover over my son, a toddler, because she couldn't tell whether something was "safe" for him. I remember son being a bit snotty (probably teeth) and her saying "we should probably get him to A&E in case it is pneumonia". I said something like "you have more than a bit of snot with pneumonia mum" and she said "yes but we can't tell what else might be wrong, so it's important a doctor checks him out now". She actually couldn't see that he had no other symptoms of pneumonia and so didn't have it.

It could be dementia. Thinking back about my mothers behaviour it started with negativity towards me(daughter) dad(husband),argumentative, paranoia, mislaying things ,
latterly ack of emotion ie. Sister died.
honestly don’t know how I didn’t spot it. Working in that environment I should have. Anyway good luck in getting her to see GP but it may be worth you and dad speaking to him first .

She doesn’t have anythjng at all in her life, she must be really bored and therefore miserable verging on probably depressed.

Yes I am thinking depression rather than dementia too.

This was the same as my DM, by the time she was late 60’s she couldn’t look after herself. The anger, stress, finding things too much, withdrawing, paranoia and often nastiness came years before memory loss.

😬 I’m 63 and starting a new job in January. Newly divorced. A new phase just beginning. Admittedly I’m in the band of don’t like driving anymore. More that I found it boring, and appreciate the benefits of walking.

I wonder if your Mum has slipped into familiarity breeds contempt. I might have been this person had I stayed with exh.

It’s so sad. It was like losing her every day 😢. There were funny days though. We had to laugh when caring for her for 5 years luckily at home. She would ask me when I said something if I told my mother and I would say yes I just did. She would just laugh. 🤣

I think maybe she's lost her purpose in life.

❤️I joined the gym at 65 it’s been my life line. I feel so much better after a work out and have never before been a gym lover .

This chimes with a long term study released today by UCL showing loss of confidence, overwhelm at standard things and inability to make decisions being early signs of dementia

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/dementia-symptoms-signs-confidence-midlife-depression-b2885554.html

That’s a hard one. Could be dementia starting, but could also be the effect of having no purpose, nothing to do in life any longer given she has retired and does not appear to have hobbies /interests.

Sorry i haven’t read all the replies so may be repeating info.
There is a great uk website called Food for the brain with lots of helpful advice on improving brain health.

Ask her GP to test her B12, and vit d levels and get the results she wants to be 500 for vit B and min 60 iu for vit d. Not just in range that just means she isn’t dying it doesn’t mean she’s healthy.

Get her on a high strength multi b vitamin H&B do one also get her a high strength vit d with K2 ( I’d say 5000 iu a day).
Also fish oil with high omega 3 content and magnesium. It will tell you all this on the website.

She needs to do some exercise as well walking is great and the fresh air will help her mood.

A good marker that suggests dementia is getting someone to draw a clock face and set it to 3 o clk. For some reason people with dementia struggle and often bunch all the numbers in one corner.

I wonder if it is something that happens at this age - post menopause. Tbh, I have been a bit like this lately. Really angry and snappy and a bit bitchy towards DH which is incredibly out of character. Luckily, most of the time we get on, and I do more than she does - I go for walks and try lots of new things, and still work PT. Dh and I go out a lot. But it is such an effort. I have binge watched so many long running US TV shows this past year - such a waste of time, and so unlike me. All my energy and zest has gone.
It's a guess, but I wonder if it is really herself she is furious with. That's the truth for me. Heightened awareness of mortality - and what is there to show for it? No longer needed by adult children. No longer that physically attractive. And very normal to have really severe insomnia which puts us all in bad moods.

I could have written your post @Jugendstiel post menopause has been an absolute bitch, I don’t recognise myself anymore, physically and mentally. I fight against the malaise as much as I can but it’s a huge effort, heading rapidly for 60 and it feels like the clock is ticking so loudly, my mortality is staring me in the face, a once very attractive face which is now sagging dramatically to top it all off 🙄 not that I would wish these feelings on anyone but it’s comforting that I’m not the only one!

I e been a bit like this too.. late 50’s, overthinking and snapping at dh. Don’t work anymore but am starting a voluntary job soon which I hope will give me a new lease of life.

Mid 50s, Christ that's mad. I'm 50 and menopausal and yet feel better than I did at 35.

Yes I can relate to this, no matter how much you love and care for your partner, everything is a compromise, and when you get to your sixties and you realise you are never going to live in that little thatched cottage in the country you have always dreamt of (I know I am looking through rise tinted spectacles!) it really hits home at 60 that actually it’s really never going to happen, when you are in your 30’s or 40’s the dreams are still a possibility, things are still in front of you, when you get older reality and mortality kick in.

My mum has dementia and, thankfully it is progressing slowly. Looking back I can now see changes in her personality over 15 years ago: lost interest in socializing/keeping in touch/going out, quick temper, driving confidence, less attention to personal care, rash decision making, throwing things away (food she though old, mail she though unimportant). Taken individually it seemed moody at times, quirky, nothing that twigged as "wrong." Nothing all at once. Nothing daily.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/stages-and-symptoms/dementia-symptoms

do you know how their relationship is?
has he done anything to lose her trust?

Am no expert in dementia. My mother had dementia but can't say I noticed these issues in the lead up. If I had to guess I would say depression and anxiety but impacted by hormones or lack thereof. You also don't know the relationship history between your parents and she may be harbouring resentments.

I am not quite as old as your mum but since COVID I could easily retreat from the world but I force myself to go out with friends and exercise but it's an effort. I feel much better when I am helping people so I do various roles at work that help people and that boosts me a little. I think it's an age thing, a hormone thing (I take HRT) and the impact of chronic pain.

Could you try talking to her and maybe asking her directly if she is depressed? Difficult I know.

My mum is fairly similar to this at 60 and has been for the past 3 years. She still works part time but is incredibly negative and stressed about everything when in reality she should have no worries at all.
I have really struggled to be around her, as has my dad. She doesn’t want to do anything or go places besides the food shopping and isn’t overly keen to her family visit. I know she’s probably burnt out at 60 but I miss my mum. My dad actually confronted her and she changed for a small amount of time but reverted back.

She sounds depressed. She sounds like she thinks your dad has done something to merit distrust. If she’s walking less her mobility will decline sharply. I see my teenage kids don’t like me to be negative to their dad. So that’s something I need to keep in check. However, they seem oblivious to his negative behaviours. Ageing can be very difficult. As can living alongside your partner without distraction. Some people run marathons and are better than ever, some people get depressed and immobile as fuck. Most people are in the middle. Agree maybe ask her what would help her get her spark back. Try be enquiring and supportive if you can.