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Original poster

Any advice on lack of intimacy?

55 replies

DudududuMV · 15/12/2025 19:12

I’ve name changed for this. This is so hard, and I’m avoiding AIBU because I don’t want to be slaughtered alive.

DH and I have been together for almost 17!years. We have DC, who are not grown up but old enough to be home alone for a few hours etc.

we have a great life in nearly every aspect, except sex. We both had a high sex drive at the start- it was one of the things that connected us. I married someone with an appetite that matched mine hoping that would remain- obviously I thought it would change over time but essentially that someone fairly sexual and intimate in nature wouldn’t fundamentally change.

My DH now has next to no interest. If I start things, he will sometimes engage and has no physical issue gaining or maintaining an erection, but doesn’t always finish (to be fair, that’s been the case since the start, that’s just normal for him)

he never initiates. Not even a kiss. If I suggest it, he’s keen but then at bedtime chooses to watch TV or play on his phone. He’s just not interested in me sexually anymore and it’s breaking my heart.

I don’t sulk (because frankly that’s coercive, and likely to turn anyone off!!) but I’m so sad.

I want to have sex more than once every six to eight weeks. I’m mid 30s and he’s early 40s, both fit and healthy. I initiated the other day, he did about five mins then said he was tired and stopped. I feel a fool, cold and silly.

I booked us a weekend away which he was so keen for, we had a great day in the spa, amazing dinner and then after he just fell straight asleep.

is there a way back from this? I don’t want a divorce. I love him. I love his partnership, companionship. I don’t want to give it all up for some affection but honestly, I could cry. In fact, I am crying. I feel seriously rejected. I don’t think it’s me, he doesn’t use porn or masturbate and there isn’t anyone else (I’m as sure as you can be). He just has such a low sex drive.

I hate myself for this. I know my desires don’t trump his hence I never push- I offer and if he doesn’t want to then that’s that.

but I just wanted so much more from this side of my life. I get propositioned in bars and at work, and I never take the men up on it because im married. But I can’t bare the thought of 2026 holding the same as the last few years.

I don’t even know what I’m asking.

OP posts:
BeardOToots · 15/12/2025 19:14

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Original poster
DudududuMV · 15/12/2025 19:27

Nothing much. Just that he’s tired, we aren’t teenagers any more. He says he finds me attractive still but life gets in the way. Hence having a weekend away (his suggestion) but he just went to sleep instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
DudududuMV · 15/12/2025 19:28

He gets cross if I mention it too often and I don’t want to pester him. That would be grim.

OP posts:
BeardOToots · 15/12/2025 19:51

I’m sure lots of people will be along to give you advice, but sorry, that’s rubbish!! :-(

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 15/12/2025 19:53

Ofcourse you shouldn't 'pester' him, but he should extend the same consideration that you are to him, and appreciate that he is not providing you with the intimacy, reassurance and comfort that you need. Have you considered counseling or a weekend retreat focused on reconnecting at multiple levels (including sexually)? This isn't something that is going to magically resolve itself, it will only get worse, and it will cause huge (justifiable) resentment in you and disappointment in the marriage. If not because of the lack of sex because of the lack of consideration for and attentiveness to each others needs and desires.

Wrenjay · 15/12/2025 20:04

I think it would be best to sort this out now with counselling. If that doesn't work or he is unwilling the only thing is for you to separate. I wish I had done that, I'm too old now and very frustrated mentally and physically.

LochSunart · 15/12/2025 20:18

I haven't got any good advice; I wish I did, cos then I'd take it myself (M58, married 23 years, sexless 8 years.)

The only thing I can say is you've every right to feel sad, depressed, whatever. People have various views on sex in marriage; some people say a married person, male or female, has no right to expect sex, and that you can't push someone to have sex they don't want. Well, no shit.

Marriage - for me, and for you I gather - means there's only one person who you can have sex with, and he's refusing (I take it you have sex maybe once every couple of months, but that's no use: you need a meaningful sex life.) You have to sit him down and explain, calmly, that you cannot go on like this. You need to find your own words, obviously. My logical (too logical!) brain says, "I can either be celibate, or happy, but I can't be both." But you must find your own words.

Find a good time, take a deep breath, and speak your truth. Maybe talk it through with a trusted friend first (believe it or not, I've done that - men do talk!). He may not hear you at first. Persist. Insist. Give him a roadmap for your future, if sex doesn't improve. Again, that's up to you. It could be, "We'll be heading for divorce within five years," or maybe, "We'll stay married, and I will remain faithful, and I'll treat you with courtesy, but please don't expect us to have the wonderful marriage you want."

Good luck. I hope you're back in a year with good news.

Oatta · 15/12/2025 20:53

my best advice would be to get his testosterone levels checked. Testing kits can be ordered online you don’t even have to go to the GP.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 16/12/2025 10:33

Have you tried initiating at other times of day? I'm a man in my 40s, and I've noticed in the last 5 years or so my sex drive drops off a cliff after about 9pm. I'm much more likely to be in the mood first thing in the morning of if we've got the house to ourselves during the day.

Aside from that, others have mentioned getting his testosterone levels checked, which is a good shout. But the problem is that he has to want to fix the issue, and it sounds like he's perfectly happy with things as they are, which isn't conducive to things getting sorted.

Have you thought about maybe having an idle discussion about you looking for sex elsewhere? Even if it's not something you'd ever actually consider, it might be the kick up the arse you need to make him realise how much this is actually affecting you.

schoolfriend · 16/12/2025 10:35

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 16/12/2025 10:33

Have you tried initiating at other times of day? I'm a man in my 40s, and I've noticed in the last 5 years or so my sex drive drops off a cliff after about 9pm. I'm much more likely to be in the mood first thing in the morning of if we've got the house to ourselves during the day.

Aside from that, others have mentioned getting his testosterone levels checked, which is a good shout. But the problem is that he has to want to fix the issue, and it sounds like he's perfectly happy with things as they are, which isn't conducive to things getting sorted.

Have you thought about maybe having an idle discussion about you looking for sex elsewhere? Even if it's not something you'd ever actually consider, it might be the kick up the arse you need to make him realise how much this is actually affecting you.

Have you thought about maybe having an idle discussion about you looking for sex elsewhere? Even if it's not something you'd ever actually consider, it might be the kick up the arse you need to make him realise how much this is actually affecting you.

yikes - that is a high risk strategy 😬

LochSunart · 16/12/2025 10:57

schoolfriend · 16/12/2025 10:35

Have you thought about maybe having an idle discussion about you looking for sex elsewhere? Even if it's not something you'd ever actually consider, it might be the kick up the arse you need to make him realise how much this is actually affecting you.

yikes - that is a high risk strategy 😬

Show quote history

The trouble is, when one partner withdraws sex, the only low-risk strategy is to accept celibacy and the unhappiness that comes with it.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 16/12/2025 10:58

schoolfriend · 16/12/2025 10:35

Have you thought about maybe having an idle discussion about you looking for sex elsewhere? Even if it's not something you'd ever actually consider, it might be the kick up the arse you need to make him realise how much this is actually affecting you.

yikes - that is a high risk strategy 😬

Show quote history

It could be, but I don't necessarily think it has to be.

It depends how it's handled I think.

"I want to go out and shag someone else"

is obviously not going to go down well, but

"As a hypothetical discussion, if our sex life is never going to improve, and you're happy with the situation as is, then how would you feel about the idea of me seeking sex outside of our relationship"

doesn't necessarily have to lead to an argument.

Obviously it depends entirely on what OP's husband is like. If he's a massively jealous person, then it's probably not going to be a helpful conversation, and could even be a dangerous one, but if he's more level headed, then it could be.

At the moment, he's probably sat there thinking "She's not going to leave me over this, so it's fine, we'll carry on as we are". Showing him that there is actually a third option may knock him out of the complacency he's in.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 16/12/2025 11:05

LochSunart · 16/12/2025 10:57

The trouble is, when one partner withdraws sex, the only low-risk strategy is to accept celibacy and the unhappiness that comes with it.

Show quote history

Except that it isn't really a low-risk strategy long term - living with unhappiness is going to breed resentment and bitterness and will eventually poison the entire relationship.

schoolfriend · 16/12/2025 12:07

LochSunart · 16/12/2025 10:57

The trouble is, when one partner withdraws sex, the only low-risk strategy is to accept celibacy and the unhappiness that comes with it.

Show quote history

Yeah, I agree that to do nothing is not a good strategy either.

If it were me, I would be loathed to bring in talk of an open relationship unless it was absolutely the last ditch attempt because I think it's probably more likely to destroy any hope you have left of finding a way through than provide a solution.

schoolfriend · 16/12/2025 12:12

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 16/12/2025 10:58

It could be, but I don't necessarily think it has to be.

It depends how it's handled I think.

"I want to go out and shag someone else"

is obviously not going to go down well, but

"As a hypothetical discussion, if our sex life is never going to improve, and you're happy with the situation as is, then how would you feel about the idea of me seeking sex outside of our relationship"

doesn't necessarily have to lead to an argument.

Obviously it depends entirely on what OP's husband is like. If he's a massively jealous person, then it's probably not going to be a helpful conversation, and could even be a dangerous one, but if he's more level headed, then it could be.

At the moment, he's probably sat there thinking "She's not going to leave me over this, so it's fine, we'll carry on as we are". Showing him that there is actually a third option may knock him out of the complacency he's in.

Show quote history

I think you're right that it's crucial he knows how important it is to the OP and that she is unwilling to accept a sexless relationship. I just think that to talk about sex with other people as a strategy to demonstrate how seriously she takes intimacy could easily backfire unless she is genuinely ready to walk away.

SoManyDandelions · 16/12/2025 12:37

I agree with PP about initiating at different times of day (if you don't already). I'm tired at bedtime and am usually asleep before DH finishes in the bathroom. But weekend mornings are a different story! Or during the day if both DC are out (rarely happens though!)

DorianTempest · 16/12/2025 12:59

Talk to him about it and be as honest with him as you have been with us. Breaks my heart that so many married people don't feel like they can be raw with their spouse.

StripyShirt · 16/12/2025 17:07

Realistically, this will never be fixed, and your options are to either put up with it, have an affair, or leave. If he's like this now, what will it be like when he's sixty?

Even if he had no sex drive at all, he should still want to make enough effort to keep you happy - it won't kill him.

Leave, and stop wasting your life.

BeAppleNow · 16/12/2025 21:44

schoolfriend · 16/12/2025 10:35

Have you thought about maybe having an idle discussion about you looking for sex elsewhere? Even if it's not something you'd ever actually consider, it might be the kick up the arse you need to make him realise how much this is actually affecting you.

yikes - that is a high risk strategy 😬

Show quote history

You might as well sign your divorce papers now, as that’s marriage ending strategy.

a less risky strategy would be a kitchen table discussion about the state of your marriage and you don’t feel like he is attracted to you as he is not interested in sex and intimacy any longer

Gymbunny2025 · 17/12/2025 06:35

Where/how is he getting his sexual kicks if not with you OP? Because he absolutely will be

LochSunart · 17/12/2025 10:28

Gymbunny2025 · 17/12/2025 06:35

Where/how is he getting his sexual kicks if not with you OP? Because he absolutely will be

Are you sure? Men can suffer from lack of libido just as women can, I believe.

Gymbunny2025 · 17/12/2025 11:13

LochSunart · 17/12/2025 10:28

Are you sure? Men can suffer from lack of libido just as women can, I believe.

Show quote history

He’s early 40s with no ED. And you think he only orgasms every 2 months when his wife initiates….?

LochSunart · 17/12/2025 11:46

Gymbunny2025 · 17/12/2025 11:13

He’s early 40s with no ED. And you think he only orgasms every 2 months when his wife initiates….?

Show quote history

There are loads of possible explanations for his behaviour. Porn and compulsive wanking are one possible; I can never understand a man choosing that over sex, but you never know. An affair seems unlikely and, in any case, some people engaged in affairs want more sex with their partners, not less; I'd guess it's possible to have spontaneous erections but without a sex drive. Again, something I've not experienced personally, but I can't see inside everyone's head.

MN really needs the power to summon the other party in cases like this - see what they've got to say for themselves!

IfNot · 17/12/2025 12:03

Some people really are asexual, it doesn’t have to be porn. And sometimes the spark just goes out and cant be reignited.
Everyone’s level of drive is different ( and peoples motivation for wanting sex differs too). Im happy with fairly infrequent activity and certainly wouldn’t want it every day, but it’s the desire that is important. Women need to feel desired, we need passion. Without that, even if sex happens after talking about it, it would just feel like a chore being ticked off. Quality not quantity is what counts imo.
If I were you OP, in mid 30s ( no kids?) Im sorry but I would leave. It’s unlikely to change.

IfNot · 17/12/2025 12:04

Sorry, just seen you have kids. That makes it harder definitely, but you do need to consider your own future happiness.