Any advice on lack of intimacy?

[DudududuMV]

I’ve name changed for this. This is so hard, and I’m avoiding AIBU because I don’t want to be slaughtered alive.

DH and I have been together for almost 17!years. We have DC, who are not grown up but old enough to be home alone for a few hours etc.

we have a great life in nearly every aspect, except sex. We both had a high sex drive at the start- it was one of the things that connected us. I married someone with an appetite that matched mine hoping that would remain- obviously I thought it would change over time but essentially that someone fairly sexual and intimate in nature wouldn’t fundamentally change.

My DH now has next to no interest. If I start things, he will sometimes engage and has no physical issue gaining or maintaining an erection, but doesn’t always finish (to be fair, that’s been the case since the start, that’s just normal for him)

he never initiates. Not even a kiss. If I suggest it, he’s keen but then at bedtime chooses to watch TV or play on his phone. He’s just not interested in me sexually anymore and it’s breaking my heart.

I don’t sulk (because frankly that’s coercive, and likely to turn anyone off!!) but I’m so sad.

I want to have sex more than once every six to eight weeks. I’m mid 30s and he’s early 40s, both fit and healthy. I initiated the other day, he did about five mins then said he was tired and stopped. I feel a fool, cold and silly.

I booked us a weekend away which he was so keen for, we had a great day in the spa, amazing dinner and then after he just fell straight asleep.

is there a way back from this? I don’t want a divorce. I love him. I love his partnership, companionship. I don’t want to give it all up for some affection but honestly, I could cry. In fact, I am crying. I feel seriously rejected. I don’t think it’s me, he doesn’t use porn or masturbate and there isn’t anyone else (I’m as sure as you can be). He just has such a low sex drive.

I hate myself for this. I know my desires don’t trump his hence I never push- I offer and if he doesn’t want to then that’s that.

but I just wanted so much more from this side of my life. I get propositioned in bars and at work, and I never take the men up on it because im married. But I can’t bare the thought of 2026 holding the same as the last few years.

I don’t even know what I’m asking.

The advice when a man comes and posts the same thing advice is always:

"have you tried doing more about the house & helping with the kids more"

I'm not saying that, but why is he always so tired to the point of not wanting to have sex. My husband would still shag me after he'd ran a marathon.

True but I do think there’s a difference in men and women’s sexual responsiveness. Which is neither good nor bad. And if a guy is advised to take on more responsibility at home and his sex life improves then it’s good advice?

here we go blaming the wrong things. Men do suffer from lack of sex drive even if they have no ED, men wake up with an erection simply from a full bladder.

personally I would suggest you try to introduce different things, try sex games etc and maybe even ask him what can you try to make him feel more up for it because you love him and you do not want to stop intimacy this young.

@Gymbunny2025 "And if a guy is advised to take on more responsibility at home and his sex life improves then it’s good advice?"

I'm skeptical about that approach. I think the "... and ..." in that sentence is doing a lot of heavy lifting. How do we know that lack of housework on the man's part (in general I'm talking about: not in this particular case) is the reason for no sex? How often is it, in fact, that the woman has simply lost the desire for him, and his actions are, in most ways, irrelevant - unless he does something drastic?

You think it is more likely that he is not masturbating (and not cumming at all if he doesn’t through sex)? I’m not saying he shouldn’t get checked out. But if he is a healthy fit early 40s man (as per OP) who has no trouble getting or maintaining an erection… I know what I’d be wondering!

would be interesting to hear from other healthy men in his age range who never orgasm.

Idk but it worked for me! Not that my husband doesn’t step up. But when we had very young kids and he was very busy with work my libido completely vanished. As I was less touched out, less overwhelmed, it has returned to be as healthy as it always was.

I agree, so what is it we should be saying for the OP to different in order for her sex life to improve.

There’s nothing any of us can say to the OP that will improve her sex life. I’m only saying what I would have at the back of my mind if it was me.

I think obviously talk to her husband and suggest a GP appointment etc. but if he is a porn addict/on only fans/has a fetish/paying for sex/having an affair he probably isn’t going to admit to it. Doesn’t make it easy for the OP but if he continues to claim the only issue is he is tired I would be very sceptical

so what would you do if it was you.

any advice on him always being tired, other than "i bet he's not tired".

Again this is not the response a man would get posting on same issue.

. I agree with the poster who said this is unlikely to change. When I stopped wanting sex with my H I thought it was because my sex drive had disappeared due to hormones etc, but it was because I no longer fancied him.

When we divorced, my sex drive reappeared when I found a man I fancied.

You're in your 30s OP, surely the rest of your life is too long to go without being desired?

@Gymbunny2025 "... but if he is a porn addict/on only fans/has a fetish/paying for sex/having an affair he probably isn’t going to admit to it."

I'm in a sexless marriage. Plenty of love, no sex. For whatever reason, possibly deep psychological reasons, I just don't "do it" for my wife. She just doesn't see me that way, and probably never has - and, like the reasons you suggested, she's never going to come out and just say that. What I'm saying is that the reasons you suggested, though valid, are not the whole picture.

You may say I don't "do it" for my wife because I don't focus on her pleasure. God almighty, I wish she'd let me do that! So - suggestions that the OP prioritise her DH's pleasure just may not work, if the basic chemistry isn't there. Harsh, I know.

Agree you don’t do it for your wife. Her libido would probably return if she started a new relationship. Probably slightly different for men I doubt his libido has vanished. I definitely wouldn’t suggest either of you try and spice things up personally if already being rejected!!

My options wouldn’t be different to anyone else in this situation? Leave, put up with it, open marriage or an affair. But I think I’d be more inclined to leave if I discovered he had a secret porn habit/was paying to be spanked than if I thought he was just tired. But maybe that’s just me.

And totally agree I’d probably give different advice if it was woman with low libido. Mainly because I think men and women are different when it comes to sexual desire. Not always of course. But a woman not having sex with her husband is very unlikely to be secretly paying for it instead for example. A man not having sex with his wife is very unlikely to just be tired (especially if he’s managing every other aspect of his life well, and is fit and healthy).

I think you are right about the basic chemistry. Sometimes it has just never been there or was only strong enough to maintain a decent sex life through a short honeymoon stage.

I think an ex was like this. Sex went from 3/4 times a week in the first 6 months to once a fortnight, once every 3 months, once a year to nothing at all. I don’t think the chemistry was strong enough.

i went out with an absolute arsesole once for a couple of years and should have binned him off early. However, the chemistry was strong and I wanted to have sex with him all the time and right until the very end.

@Miltonv Your experience is similar to mine, although our honeymoon period was shorter. But I'm assuming, in the first relationship you describe, the lack of sex was what you, the woman, wanted?

The ability to get an erection and the willingness to have sex with his wife are 2 different things.
he might still be fit and healthy or not fit and not healthy - either way he might not actually want sex with his wife any more
And there could be loads of reason, mostly in his head I would guess
he might feel undervalued or not loved or the emotional bonds of the relationship might have loosened

It’s quite possible he still wants sex - but just not with his wife anymore - which is a different place to be in

I think there are 3 possibilities

He has a hormone problem or pituitary issue
Hes wanking himself senseless and using porn
He doesn't fancy the OP any more

That’s precisely what is not the case! No he does not feel undervalued or unloved. Read the OP! They have a great relationship, but he is rejecting all intimacy including kissing and cuddling.

I know people say men and women are the same. And yes if it was a woman then it would be reasonable to delve into the relationship further. But for a fit and healthy man with no erection issues and a wife who desires him, no it is not that he is feeling a bit unloved 😂

The OP might think that she has a great relationship- but how can you possibly know what her husband thinks?

he never initiates. Not even a kiss. If I suggest it, he’s keen but then at bedtime chooses to watch TV or play on his phone. He’s just not interested in me sexually anymore and it’s breaking my heart.

^^ this is not a man who wants sex with his high sex drive wife.

im not sure why some people think that men are permanently in the mood for sex - seems to be some sort of self perpetuating myth on the internet

MH started watching porn and pleasuring himself at the same time! Then he suddenly stopped. I took no notice, but 18 months later found an email "Darling ... cant wait until I collect you tonight and we go to .... Hotel. When I confronted him on his return home later that night he said nothing had happened that it was "ballroom dancing" But I used to find dry semen in his underpants!!!!

Exactly. Completely agree. If he’s tired why is he staying up to watch tv? He doesn’t want sex with his wife. So as I said- she needs to consider what the outlet of his libido really is…

.. but if not happy in the relationship he may not have a libido 🤷🏻

@DudududuMV The responses have turned into speculation and comparisons of experience - not a bad thing in itself, but not very helpful to you. I've just re-read your original post to remind myself what this thread is actually about. I wish your DH could read your post: he really needs to understand how you feel. Perhaps you could break this problem down into stages, the first stage simply being not to solve the problem but just to get your feelings across: a difficult thing in itself!

You could write him a letter, using your original post as a guide. Or you could 'trick' him into making space for a deep conversation - I don't know, arrange to go somewhere (where you'll have privacy), then explain that the reason for the 'date' was to give you space for a difficult conversation in a neutral environment. Or you could gently but firmly tell him that your happiness depends upon you and him facing this problem together, and suggest couples counselling/sex therapy; tell him you've booked the first session and, whilst you can't force him to go, you really hope he will.

Well, that's my advice. Perhaps I should take it myself! Good luck. I was very sad reading your story and I hope you get the good outcome you deserve.

Are you seriously suggesting he is choosing not to orgasm at all?!