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Original poster

Partner thinks I’m too rigid.

54 replies

BetterBeBetter · 14/12/2025 19:26

I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong here (and I’m open to being told I am), so I’m looking for objective opinions.

Sorry for how long this is, I didn’t want to drip-feed or leave out important details.

DP and I have been together for 6 years. We have a strong relationship, are best friends, and support each other as a team, but we’ve had different life experiences that sometimes shape our views.

We’re both from the same area, and each of our hometowns are about 20 minutes apart. DP moved abroad in his early 20s and lived there for many years before returning shortly before we started dating (we’re now in our mid-40s). I’ve never left this area, though I once considered moving to Australia when I was younger, but then life just happened and I’m fine with never having moved there.

I’m genuinely happy with my life and where we live. DP struggled at first when he moved back due to reverse culture shock, but he’s now happy and content here. He has a career he enjoys and we both have shared and individual hobbies, so overall our life is nice, well rounded and peaceful, which is what we both want.

Early in our relationship, I said I’d be willing to try living abroad if the right opportunity came up, but only if it didn’t mean abandoning our families. After reflecting, I realised I couldn’t move more than 20 minutes away from either of our families, which would realistically put us in either one of our hometowns.

As much as I have huge respect and admiration for my DP moving to a foreign country, learning a new language and building a whole life, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I really have the moving abroad gene. It’s always been one of those things that sounds good in theory, but it’s more of a fantasy rather than something I’d ever do in reality.

Both our mums are widowed and in their early-mid 60s, so I feel a strong responsibility to stay close as they’re aging.

This topic has come up because we’re planning to buy a house together next year. There’s very little available in our current area, so DP started looking at places an hour or two away, saying we’d get much more for our money and still be close enough to see family regularly.

We’re both child-free by choice (no kids from previous relationships either) and both work from home, so moving wouldn’t affect our jobs or responsibilities to children. DP has made this point to show that an hour really isn’t a big deal, and I do get where he’s coming from, but I’ve also been very clear that we can’t move more than 20 minutes away.

I was shocked he even suggested this, as I feel I’ve been upfront. He thinks I’m being unreasonable, rigid, and inflexible for not even discussing it.

He says he’s not set on moving to any particular place, was just exploring options, and believes in a “never say never” approach. He feels blanket rules are too restrictive and thinks it’s ridiculous to say moving an hour away would mean abandoning our families.

We can’t agree on this, it’s created tension between us now, and I’m not sure how to move forward. I really don’t want this to ruin Christmas, or more importantly, our relationship in general.

OP posts:
FestiveBauble · 14/12/2025 19:30

I think sticking to such a search criteria of only 20 minute radius is very rigid - especially when it doesn’t impact jobs. An hour away is also definitely not abandoning families! He’s not suggesting you move a fight away.

Honestly it’s a blanket rule with no sense behind it, you don’t need to stay within a commute time, school catchment area or anything like that - why not be more flexible? You’ve unilaterally reduced your search radius to somewhere super tiny, with no method behind the madness - I can totally understand his point. Especially if there’s very little choice in your current radius!

Diarygirlqueen · 14/12/2025 19:30

Agree with the above, very rigid thinking.

Fitzcarraldo353 · 14/12/2025 19:30

I think your DP is right. 20 mins is a very small radius to work within and point blank not considering anything even a short distance outside that seems pretty unreasonable and rigid to me.

What's your solution though, since it doesn't sound like there are any affordable homes within your radius? What are you suggesting other than just saying no?

canuckup · 14/12/2025 19:32

I'm sorry but 20 mins from the town you've lived in all your life??

It's not rigid, it's insular and narrow minded

sundayvibeswig22 · 14/12/2025 19:33

I wouldn’t move in your position and don’t think you’re being rigid. Why do you need a big house for if it’s only for 2 of you. I’d rather be closer to friends/ family. 20 minutes away you can pop in. A 2 hour round trip is more of a weekend visit (if you wfh mon- fri).

moneyadviceplease · 14/12/2025 19:35

29 minutes is nothing at all, you’re being very rigid, and please, mid 60’s is not aging to the point you need to be on the doorstep. Most 60 somethings are still young and active

PommesdePlume · 14/12/2025 19:37

Not moving to a different country is one thing; but what's at worst a different county is another. What are you scared of; why do you feel that you can't/won't cope?

Cynic17 · 14/12/2025 19:37

No more than 20 minutes is ridiculous! Your mothers are still quite young, for a start, so won't need you hanging around.
And a couple of hours is still very do-able....you can easily be there and back in a day, if you have to be.

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/12/2025 19:39

Agree with above, extremely rigid thinking.

JoanOgden · 14/12/2025 19:39

20 minutes is nothing. I live in London and often travel 45 mins each way in the evening to see friends, go to the theatre etc. And your mums are in their 60s not their 80s.

Obviously you'd have to weigh the advantages of any new place against the disadvantages of being a bit further from family, but if it really is a lot cheaper to buy an hour away it's definitely worth considering.

Radiatorvalves · 14/12/2025 19:39

Crikey. If he’d been saying move countries… be it France or Australia I might be with you. But 20 mins???? That’s mad. I’m a minimum of 4 hours from my dad, less than ideal I agree. That’s by car or train. I’m also about 20 mins from DB…. 30 mins if I walk or drive, 10 mins if I cycle…. I see him now and again but not all the time.

Honestly Op clearly family is important to you, but 20 mins is beyond rigid.

Sakura7 · 14/12/2025 19:50

I'm with your DH here, your rules are really over the top. 20 minutes is very restrictive, and your mother's aren't even old!

Is there some kind of codependency with your mother or something? I'm trying to think why you would have such rigid rules.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2025 19:54

You’ve set yourself a requirement which is really without any firm basis or real merit.

Where did all this no moving more than 20 minutes away from parent or in-laws start with you, where has this come from?. Did your mother talk about you abandoning her if you were to move away or abroad ?. Why do you feel so responsible for your mother or mil here?. They are both in their 60s so not elderly and have their own lives to lead. I am also getting codependent vibes from you op and it may well be you are indeed codependent.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 14/12/2025 19:56

I am with your OH - far too rigid!

Newsenmum · 14/12/2025 19:59

Op that’s honestly so rigid. You said youd think of moving abroad and then suddenly a 30 mins drive is too far? I think you need to at least have a look.

Newsenmum · 14/12/2025 20:00

Considering you don’t have any kids, 40 mins is a perfect distance from your mums. Obviously this is your life but you do try to look at areas as he’s making some very big compromises here.

Celestialmoods · 14/12/2025 20:02

For someone who has chosen not to have commitments that tie them to anything, you are asking a lot to expect someone to accept never living more than twenty minutes away from their Mum.

ForCraftyWriter · 14/12/2025 20:03

An hour won’t be feeling as reasonable
if either of them need and want to provide care for their elderly mothers in 10 years time (or less)

OfDragonsDeep · 14/12/2025 20:04

I’m probably in the minority, but I agree with you. I moved back to the street I grew up on. It’s home to me. I would move within my town in the future, but i wouldn’t want to leave it.

MayaPinion · 14/12/2025 20:05

20 minutes is very narrow. I was travelling further than that to school when I was 11 years old. That will barely take you to a different suburb of my own medium sized city. Can you consider casting your bet even to a 20 mile radius? That will likely give you a lot more scope without it feeling too far. Even rent an air bnb somewhere you might like and try living there for a few weeks to see how you feel and whether it’s manageable.

TFImBackIn · 14/12/2025 20:06

I don't think you're well suited, OP. He's clearly much more adventurous than you and yes, you do sound extremely rigid in your approach to where you live. That's fine as long as you have a partner who agrees with you or if you're living alone. He must find it stultifying.

And your mothers aren't old, ffs! I thought you were going to say they're in their 80s!

Why the 20 minute radius, too? Why not 25?

Octavia64 · 14/12/2025 20:06

There aren’t that many people who want to and are able to stay within twenty minutes of their hometown.

many people are priced out and simply cannot afford it and many frankly don’t want to - I know a lot of people who moved half way across the country because they hated their hometown.

obviously you like your hometown. Fine. Can you actually afford to buy there? If not, and you do actually want to buy a house you may need to relax the twenty minute rule or give up in the house.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/12/2025 20:08

How often do you see your mums at the moment? Do you both drive and have cars?

I moved 4hrs away from my family and it made me realise that I'd become very reliant on my family for social needs and had neglected building a network of friends. It's great to be close to family, but having friends from different backgrounds is also great because it gives you a different world view. I only realised how batshit my family were about certain things when I started spending time with people who weren't quite so dysfunctional 😂

TidyCyan · 14/12/2025 20:08

After reflecting, I realised I couldn’t move more than 20 minutes away from either of our families, which would realistically put us in either one of our hometowns.

Why? What made you "realise" 20 minutes is the magic number?

NutButterOnToast · 14/12/2025 20:09

I agree with DH I'm afraid

Parents in their 60s are still young. If they were 80s and you'd had some time living somewhere else yeah i could see your point.

But you're basically saying you'll never move more than 20 minutes away from your hometown. That is crazy OP. Like, proper crazy levels of insular.

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