Partner thinks I’m too rigid.

[BetterBeBetter]

I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong here (and I’m open to being told I am), so I’m looking for objective opinions.

Sorry for how long this is, I didn’t want to drip-feed or leave out important details.

DP and I have been together for 6 years. We have a strong relationship, are best friends, and support each other as a team, but we’ve had different life experiences that sometimes shape our views.

We’re both from the same area, and each of our hometowns are about 20 minutes apart. DP moved abroad in his early 20s and lived there for many years before returning shortly before we started dating (we’re now in our mid-40s). I’ve never left this area, though I once considered moving to Australia when I was younger, but then life just happened and I’m fine with never having moved there.

I’m genuinely happy with my life and where we live. DP struggled at first when he moved back due to reverse culture shock, but he’s now happy and content here. He has a career he enjoys and we both have shared and individual hobbies, so overall our life is nice, well rounded and peaceful, which is what we both want.

Early in our relationship, I said I’d be willing to try living abroad if the right opportunity came up, but only if it didn’t mean abandoning our families. After reflecting, I realised I couldn’t move more than 20 minutes away from either of our families, which would realistically put us in either one of our hometowns.

As much as I have huge respect and admiration for my DP moving to a foreign country, learning a new language and building a whole life, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I really have the moving abroad gene. It’s always been one of those things that sounds good in theory, but it’s more of a fantasy rather than something I’d ever do in reality.

Both our mums are widowed and in their early-mid 60s, so I feel a strong responsibility to stay close as they’re aging.

This topic has come up because we’re planning to buy a house together next year. There’s very little available in our current area, so DP started looking at places an hour or two away, saying we’d get much more for our money and still be close enough to see family regularly.

We’re both child-free by choice (no kids from previous relationships either) and both work from home, so moving wouldn’t affect our jobs or responsibilities to children. DP has made this point to show that an hour really isn’t a big deal, and I do get where he’s coming from, but I’ve also been very clear that we can’t move more than 20 minutes away.

I was shocked he even suggested this, as I feel I’ve been upfront. He thinks I’m being unreasonable, rigid, and inflexible for not even discussing it.

He says he’s not set on moving to any particular place, was just exploring options, and believes in a “never say never” approach. He feels blanket rules are too restrictive and thinks it’s ridiculous to say moving an hour away would mean abandoning our families.

We can’t agree on this, it’s created tension between us now, and I’m not sure how to move forward. I really don’t want this to ruin Christmas, or more importantly, our relationship in general.

Well then I think you need to look deeper and be honest with him (and yourself). You can't use your mums as an excuse if, say, actually you're not secure enough in your relationship for him to be your main source of company 7 days a week in a new town with no friends or family up the road.

Thank you for this. I think this is a fear I have that DP will start to resent me.

I get that he’s not asking to move anywhere specific right now, or that we’re passing up a great opportunity because I don’t want to move, but I can tell he’s frustrated because he thinks I’ve just decided our whole future needs to be in one place and that there’s no possibility to go anywhere else.

When I write it out, I do understand where he (and you) are coming from. I think I’ve just never looked at it like that.

The place we live is a nice enough town, close to a bigger city for when we need it and good transport links to the rest of the UK, so my thinking is, why would we purposely leave when we also have family here who might also need us in a few years for more help as they age?

It’s not even so much the price of property here, it’s simply that there’s nothing really for sale at the moment. Maybe things will pick up after Christmas in that area, but I think he’s getting a little impatient, which I do understand.

I agree that sticking to a 20 minute radius is rigid. It doesn't respect the complexity of a move and how many complex factors affect your happiness in where you live. It shuts down any openness to trying moving further away e.g. by renting first.

I think what you need to communicate is that being close to family is important to you and that you are concerned that moving an hour away may be too far. I would suggest renting first in some of the places you are considering to be honest.

Why not say to DP you were thinking and he was right. No harm keeping an open mind and making sure the house is right even if it is a little further away?