Partner thinks I’m too rigid.

[BetterBeBetter]

I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong here (and I’m open to being told I am), so I’m looking for objective opinions.

Sorry for how long this is, I didn’t want to drip-feed or leave out important details.

DP and I have been together for 6 years. We have a strong relationship, are best friends, and support each other as a team, but we’ve had different life experiences that sometimes shape our views.

We’re both from the same area, and each of our hometowns are about 20 minutes apart. DP moved abroad in his early 20s and lived there for many years before returning shortly before we started dating (we’re now in our mid-40s). I’ve never left this area, though I once considered moving to Australia when I was younger, but then life just happened and I’m fine with never having moved there.

I’m genuinely happy with my life and where we live. DP struggled at first when he moved back due to reverse culture shock, but he’s now happy and content here. He has a career he enjoys and we both have shared and individual hobbies, so overall our life is nice, well rounded and peaceful, which is what we both want.

Early in our relationship, I said I’d be willing to try living abroad if the right opportunity came up, but only if it didn’t mean abandoning our families. After reflecting, I realised I couldn’t move more than 20 minutes away from either of our families, which would realistically put us in either one of our hometowns.

As much as I have huge respect and admiration for my DP moving to a foreign country, learning a new language and building a whole life, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I really have the moving abroad gene. It’s always been one of those things that sounds good in theory, but it’s more of a fantasy rather than something I’d ever do in reality.

Both our mums are widowed and in their early-mid 60s, so I feel a strong responsibility to stay close as they’re aging.

This topic has come up because we’re planning to buy a house together next year. There’s very little available in our current area, so DP started looking at places an hour or two away, saying we’d get much more for our money and still be close enough to see family regularly.

We’re both child-free by choice (no kids from previous relationships either) and both work from home, so moving wouldn’t affect our jobs or responsibilities to children. DP has made this point to show that an hour really isn’t a big deal, and I do get where he’s coming from, but I’ve also been very clear that we can’t move more than 20 minutes away.

I was shocked he even suggested this, as I feel I’ve been upfront. He thinks I’m being unreasonable, rigid, and inflexible for not even discussing it.

He says he’s not set on moving to any particular place, was just exploring options, and believes in a “never say never” approach. He feels blanket rules are too restrictive and thinks it’s ridiculous to say moving an hour away would mean abandoning our families.

We can’t agree on this, it’s created tension between us now, and I’m not sure how to move forward. I really don’t want this to ruin Christmas, or more importantly, our relationship in general.

Your mums are in their early/mid sixties not eighties. They are still presumably perfectly capable of existing without needing you every twenty minutes?

You are using proximity to family as an excuse. Your DP isn't talking about the other side of the world, an hour away will be nothing. I'm with him, you are very rigid in not wanting to be more than a few minutes away. Maybe you could try a little therapy to explore why this really might be?

20 minutes is bonkers and weirdly specific despite no obvious reason. At least round up to 30 minutes!

So I think I'm team DH and I hope this is a not a reverse.

Why do you think a hour away is too much? I agree with your DH, it feels a bit insulting and disrespectful to him to insist on getting your own way on this.

Why do you need a big house for if it’s only for 2 of you.

They both wfh, so office space for a start. Maybe an office each. Much better to have a separate space for work so you can close the door on it at weekends and holidays.

Plus possibly -

Guest room.

Hobby room if either of them is into something that otherwise has to be cleared away whenever you want to use the dining room table.

More storage space.

Bigger kitchen.

Downstairs loo.

Bigger garden.

Off road parking.

And yes, I think Op is being far too rigid in her thinking.

I live in a city where a lot of the suburbs at the other side take longer than 20mins to get to. It’s really not far at all. How often are you visiting your mum now or are you trying to plan for the future?

Could you start to look at other areas and get a feel for them, see how the drive is etc. instead of a blanket no?

What's your relationship with you DM like? Why would being up to an hour's drive away make you feel uneasy?

I also agree with DP. You are being far too rigid & closed-minded.

An hour’s drive is absolutely nothing, I commuted longer than that twice a day for many years. Your mums are in their early 60s, that really isn’t old these days and it’s both patronising & offensive to suggest otherwise. They may well have decades of good health & independence ahead of them.

This.

You're in your 40s. It's embarrassing to insist on living 20 minutes away from your mum. An hour or so is perfectly reasonable and manageable.

Is this your first property together? Do you live together at the moment? I understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't want to be too far that I couldn't nip round.

This

I think the real question is why you are so afraid to be more than 20 mins from your mum.

Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.

so you prefer upto 20 min dh prefers up to a hour. Can you compromise with up to 40 min distance.

But honestly I think he is right.

What do your "elderly" mothers actually think? I mean, my mum is in her 60s and she 100% wouldn't want me to hang around for her benefit. She doesn't have much time for me anyway, not with her full time work, travel, theatre trips and nights out with her "girls".

It does seem utterly unnecessary to have such a narrow radius.

My children travel further than that to get to school!

20 minutes?! I drive further for bread & milk.

I do 30 mile commute for work, about an hour. So a 1.5hrs/45 mile radius of where you are now is more realistic.

YABVVVVU

If he has agreed to this in the past he is being unreasonable to change the goal posts now.

Yes you're too rigid

No your mothers (in their 60s) don't need you to live so close

Your partner is correct

Time is a difficult concept anyway, on a clear road, by train or bus if they run or are on time, being pedantic by plane or helicopter. Radius in miles might be better, 20 miles, 50 miles or how far? As said your parents are not old, they may move in the future then what will you do? You can't plan your life around your parents it doesn't work like that. If or when they need you is the time to discuss these things.

Thanks, all.

I really appreciate the opinions on this. I was prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, so I will take that on board.

To answer a few questions: it’s not our first property together, but it will be the first we own jointly. We both currently live in the house I own, and my DP sold his last year to move in here.

I can see why the 20 minutes thing seems a bit arbitrary, and to be honest, I’ve never really given it much thought beyond each of our hometowns are about 20 minutes apart, so if we lived in either of those, of the other surrounding town, we’d be no more than 20 minutes away from our families.

Although I can understand why it seems like there are some weird attachment or codependency issues at play, it’s really not the case. Both my DM and DMIL are very easygoing and supportive, so would never make us or our siblings feel guilty for living anywhere else - they just want us to be happy in life.

I speak to my mum every few days on the phone and text in between that, but not on a set schedule or anything, just if anything comes up or I’ll send a funny meme, etc. I do always make an effort to take her out on her Birthday and Mother’s Day, but I would say I see her maybe once every month, so definitely not living in each other’s pockets.

My DP is a little different and doesn’t really phone his mum, unless they need to speak about something specific, but he does keep in touch via text and visits when he can, takes her out, etc.

I think there’s maybe a difference in how I view our mums, which I admit might cloud my judgment. My DM is perfectly independent, but I think my MIL is a little more active and seems younger somehow. She still travels a lot and despite retiring after FIL died two years ago, she went back to work part time because she was bored. She has quite an active social life.

Although my DM is only a couple of years older, she doesn’t have quite the same level of energy and apart from helping my DSIS with my young nieces, she’s not the type to go out or travel, so I maybe see her as more elderly than she is.

A PP made a good point that maybe I need to explore my feelings a little to understand why I’m so against moving. I really didn’t see it that way if I’m honest, and just thought it was the right thing to do and that it wasn’t hurting anyone, but I can see how it might be frustrating for DP to be told that it’s never going to be an option.

I really don’t know why I would feel bad about moving or why the distance matters, so that’s given me something to think about. My dad died 10 years ago and since then I’ve felt a sense of obligation and responsibility to my family, even though they haven’t asked me to.

That’s actually a really good point that I hadn’t considered. If either of them move, I won’t be following 😂.

Yes. Too rigid. My DH has always been rigid, for a few reasons, and refused to move away from our hometown. But he just kept making excuses like his parents & weather, traffic....

I am incredibly resentful that we've always been stuck here, while our siblings live in amazing places with great lifestyles, between 90 min-3 hours away.

We're also the ones stuck with parents' age care while siblings get away scott free.

It's an hour. It'll be fine.

So you only see your DM on average once a month but won’t consider living more than 20 mins away? That makes zero sense. Are you using your DM as an excuse because you just don’t like change?

I would say I see her maybe once every month

This has blown my mind. I assumed you wanted to stay within a 20 min radius as you saw her every day. If you only see her once a month I would defo consider widening the radius and looking a little further afield.