Update on guy at work who “flirts” with me but won’t ask me on a date

[milkyway512]

I’m 26 and he’s 25, and we work in the civil service in the uk. I am ASD, just for context. I’ve got a bit of a crush on this guy because he comes up to me and pays me attention; it started off as him being quite insulting and bullying me in a way - if you look at my previous post you will see some of the stuff he said, the worst was a joke about me committing suicide an everyone waiting for it. I told my line manager.

i know I said I’d take everything everyone said on board, and I did as I made a pledge not to entertain his bullying anymore but whenever he comes up to me and he does quite unexpectedly I feel elated afterwards, it’s a bit addictive…

we’ve started talking again and he’s being a lot nicer, except he does still call me teachery. He signed my birthday card to “his favourite PE teacher” because I used to wear a coat he thinks looks like a PE teacher’s coat, so we’ve got little inside jokes…
he came up to me twice recently and touched my arm twice on one occasion, holding the soft part of my arm for a couple of seconds each time. It was very weird but he’s not unattractive and it just makes me feel a rush to think of someone liking me.

but the bit I have questions about happened last week after i messaged him a thank you for signing my birthday card, like i did everyone who signed it. He then asked me a few days later, “did you get anything nice for your birthday” and banter went on from there which involved me calling myself a Jezebel when he joked I’m bad or something and he said “I love looking into their beautiful eyes” and then he said something about me having fangs and I said “im surprised you noticed them” and he said “I’m usually looking at other things” 😳then he said the bit about looking into their beautiful eyes, and then he said “my girlfriend gets annoyed when I look into her eyes… but what’s a young man to do?” He looks into my eyes a lot and makes very intense eye contact with me when he talks to me, and stands very close and makes a lot of big movements. His nostrils also flare a lot.

so was that his way of telling me he has an girlfriend, or was he referring to me as his girlfriend because he said he liked looking into jezebel’s eyes? I’m so confused and unsure whether he was flirting with me and is interested, or is having me on when he really has a girlfriend.

i was very shocked when he said the thing about looking in other places, as that’s the first time he’s made sexual innuendo to me. He doesn’t insult me anymore, just very light teasing

what do I do? How would you read this? Does he have a girlfriend?

also I’m the only person he really talks to at work. He’s very socially clumsy and I think might be asd too.

Thank you

I’m an HR manager OP and if this was reported to me, I probably would take any action because there has been back and forth between you but I’d definitely keep it on file and tell you to speak up me if there was any escalation.

i would 100% support you and tell you my door was always open

Don't delete anything but please don’t communicate with him any further.

The OP says they are autistic. This vulnerability and also a sense of people pleasing (wanting to do what the poster on here say) is very typical.

I am quite worried about you as you are clearly really struggling to understand his behaviour. And I’m not surprised because it’s hard to fathom why someone would be so deliberately awful. But I can tell you without doubt that his behaviour is not ok. Start keeping a record. Be civil but do not engage with his nonsense. Is there anyone else you can speak to in real life outside of work? You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

This might be of help:
www.acas.org.uk/bullying-at-work

This man is horribly bad news. Clearly.

That looks like a typo and you've missed out "not"?

Assuming so, you must have zero understanding of OP's protected characteristic? Zero understanding of manipulation and bullying at work? Zero understanding of sexual harassment in a workplace?

What an example of inadequate HR.

I’m aware - I’m autistic, and was much like OP when I was younger. That’s why I pointed out that she absolutely cannot return to initiating ‘banter’ after going to HR a second time. I suggested taking a professional approach with him - only talking about work, telling him not to touch her - while deciding how she wants to proceed because, even if it was just people-pleasing, she’s engaged with the ‘banter’ since she first reported him and even started some herself.

If he’s as unpleasant as he seems (or if OPs suspicion that he’s also autistic is correct) OPs decision to initiate teasing/banter could allow him to say she encouraged this style of communication and he had no reason to think she had a problem with it (she didn’t, other than being confused about whether he had a girlfriend and wondering if he wanted to date her). It would be stressful to have to defend against that, but taking a professional approach for a short time, making it clear that she’s not encouraging him, could help protect her from this if she involves HR again.

Hi, apologies if it seems like a bit of a dramatic turning point in how I view the situation - I don’t want to go to HR just because he doesn’t fancy me, which is why I won’t go unless he keeps on with it. I’m going to try and be more assertive as it needs to stop and usually we are pretty distant anyway, so if he keeps trying to talk to me or “flirt” I will go to HR but I don’t think he will.

i sort of wanted him to talk to me as I thought he could be my friend and we could be friends, but it always turned flirty which made me think he liked me, until he said he had a girlfriend which is why I’m putting a stop to it now. I’m not interested in anyone with a girlfriend 🤢 I don’t think it will escalate, I think to be fair I have been encouraging it so I need to stop. We haven’t spoken since the 9th and I haven’t seen him in the office, sometimes I can go a week or two without seeing him so that’s a good thing, it gives me a chance to ignore him and things to settle down.

Thank you for all your responses, you are all very caring and I appreciate your kindness to me on here! I was definitely missing cues, as I always have done since a young age and now I’m a lot clearer headed about what is really going on, which is something i definitely don’t like nor want anything to do with.

thank you again :)

You are sounding very confused and vulnerable, OP.

"I don’t want to go to HR just because he doesn’t fancy me"

This is a very odd thing to say. You wouldn't be going because of that, but to log his abusive behaviour. To help keep yourself safe.

OP, you are confused as he is being overly familiar with you.

If you are somebody who doesn't slide into friendships/relationships with great ease - and don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean somebody with no friends, or no relationships, I just mean you don't tend to be the life and the soul of the party - this overfamiliarity may well be appealing to you. He's doing all the work creating and maintaining the 'bond'.

But he's not a nice man, and quite frankly I see his move towards sexualised comments as an escalation of his overly familiar behaviour, not a reversion towards being nicer to you. This is a problem.

[Edit:just saw the point about your autism diagnosis. I don't think only autistic people would be confused or vulnerable to this sort of behaviour, but it is an explanation as to why you find this so confusing]

Well, that's a dripfeed.

The term you are looking for is "sexual harassment".

Why do you think you could be friends OP? I realise you struggle with interactions so take this as caring advice. He is not friend material. He is not boyfriend material.

he is someone who toys with people and bullies people. He gets his dopamine hit by feeling powerful. Just move away. He is not a good person to be around

OP you are vulnerable and he's taking advantage of this. While some people use gentle teasing or banter as part of flirting, that isn't what this is, it is serious bullying. Who knows what he's hoping to achieve, he could just enjoy bullying women, he could be hoping for sex or he could be seeing if he could lure you into a really abusive relationship. Once someone has exhibited that sort of behaviour towards you they've shown you who they are and at no point should you be looking to them for friendship and especially not a relationship. That's doubly true once you have (quite rightly) reported him to HR. He will now be angry and looking to humiliate you further if he thinks he can get away with it.

I would tell your manager about the situation and explain that due to your autism you thought that his ongoing actions might have meant he wanted to be friends, but he is ramping up his bullying behaviour and you realise that you should have been avoiding any friendly interactions on your part and that you found the situation very confusing.

This! Your responses to his behaviour are very odd, the whole situation just seems off.

Isn’t it lovely that this is what taxpayer funded salaries go towards!

I’m in my 20s and a CS too, but like this is the trashiest thing I have read. Jesus

Agree with most of the pp up thread. He is a tosspot and a wanker. I feel sorry for his gf. Just playing around with you. You can do better. Bin him.

He has a girl friend and he is not a nice man. This is going to be a bit brutal but it sounds like he is taking the piss out of you. He may be sexually attracted to you or he may just find it entertaining to tease you because work is boring. I would steer clear of him.

Op, my best advice to you is seek a decent counsellor who knows how to support people with autism so they can help,you learn to navigate and respond to stuff like this.

It reads like teenage problem page stuff it really does, and he sounds like complete dick...

??? And you sound so patronising and condescending - do you work In the mental health sector by any chance?

'You are sounding very confused and vulnerable, OP.'
Your making it sound like she's a dementia patient who's got on the wrong bus ( and no hate towards dementia patients)

Op has disclosed she's autistic and has a trouble reading signs, yes she's confused about this that's why she asked for input.
And it's pretty awesome she's came here and asked for insight for this instead of letting it carry on.
As another poster said - the response has been a united and resounding 'Ltb'
OP dose read as vulnerable to this situation, but hopefully she feels a bit more empowered from both asking for insight and getting a wider view.

A lot of these responses are veering off into a hen picking nightmare of undermining someone via sickly false concern.
I think the women who do this don't realise just how judgemental and hawty they sound- it always feels like they are 'scared' of others 'weaknesses' and again channel it into false concern.
Quickly deflecting so they can feel incontrol and not the issue, while 'othering' the person connected to the uncomfortable feeling that's come up.
everyone at this, You all look and sound like twats.

Autism is a thing, of course that means she would Interpret things differently.

OP- have you looked into Meetups etc for young nerodivergent professionals? There's probably walking groups/ games nights / food tasting events where you find a wider network.

100% this

Leave the OP alone. She came on looking for clarity, not to be belittled

This reads like sexual harassment and bullying at the same time If he gets fired, this is really nothing for you to worry about. Laws exists to protect employees from guys like him and him getting fired is entirely his fault and has nothing to do with you. Report him please.