Update on guy at work who “flirts” with me but won’t ask me on a date

[milkyway512]

I’m 26 and he’s 25, and we work in the civil service in the uk. I am ASD, just for context. I’ve got a bit of a crush on this guy because he comes up to me and pays me attention; it started off as him being quite insulting and bullying me in a way - if you look at my previous post you will see some of the stuff he said, the worst was a joke about me committing suicide an everyone waiting for it. I told my line manager.

i know I said I’d take everything everyone said on board, and I did as I made a pledge not to entertain his bullying anymore but whenever he comes up to me and he does quite unexpectedly I feel elated afterwards, it’s a bit addictive…

we’ve started talking again and he’s being a lot nicer, except he does still call me teachery. He signed my birthday card to “his favourite PE teacher” because I used to wear a coat he thinks looks like a PE teacher’s coat, so we’ve got little inside jokes…
he came up to me twice recently and touched my arm twice on one occasion, holding the soft part of my arm for a couple of seconds each time. It was very weird but he’s not unattractive and it just makes me feel a rush to think of someone liking me.

but the bit I have questions about happened last week after i messaged him a thank you for signing my birthday card, like i did everyone who signed it. He then asked me a few days later, “did you get anything nice for your birthday” and banter went on from there which involved me calling myself a Jezebel when he joked I’m bad or something and he said “I love looking into their beautiful eyes” and then he said something about me having fangs and I said “im surprised you noticed them” and he said “I’m usually looking at other things” 😳then he said the bit about looking into their beautiful eyes, and then he said “my girlfriend gets annoyed when I look into her eyes… but what’s a young man to do?” He looks into my eyes a lot and makes very intense eye contact with me when he talks to me, and stands very close and makes a lot of big movements. His nostrils also flare a lot.

so was that his way of telling me he has an girlfriend, or was he referring to me as his girlfriend because he said he liked looking into jezebel’s eyes? I’m so confused and unsure whether he was flirting with me and is interested, or is having me on when he really has a girlfriend.

i was very shocked when he said the thing about looking in other places, as that’s the first time he’s made sexual innuendo to me. He doesn’t insult me anymore, just very light teasing

what do I do? How would you read this? Does he have a girlfriend?

also I’m the only person he really talks to at work. He’s very socially clumsy and I think might be asd too.

Thank you

Worst case scenario: After you previously reported him to HR he is playing a long game of revenge. He is trying to confuse and trap you with his behaviour. He knows if can get you to abandon your previous wariness of his bullying behaviour, and you flirt back he can sell the fable that you fancied him and when he rebuffed you, you reported him to HR. You will lose all your credibility if you fall for this.

The best case scenario: He is a creep, as every here has said. You can never trust him or his behaviour - please don’t let him play you.

Nurture friendships with straight forward, trustworthy people that don’t have a hidden agenda.

He's a nasty, abusive man. With a girlfriend (not you).

You sound insanely vulnerable with zero boundaries - a perfect target for an abusive man. If not this one then there will be another soon enough.

Get yourself some therapy to find out why you accept abusive behaviour and why you confuse adrenaline from fight or flight actions as elation/attraction.

Do The Freedom Programme.

Stay away from him. Far, far away.

He's a boundary-pushing, abusive wanker, OP. Run away quickly before you become his next victim.

Then look at your own self-esteem and work out why you would be flattered by such obvious negging. Sorry to be harsh but I think you need some straight talking. Wake up and smell the coffee!!!

Its his way of telling you hes a dickhead who has little to no repsect for women but likes to shit test women and use them.
He is looking for women who have such low standards and self esteem that he can tell them he has a girlfriend, insult them regularly and they will still come back for more.

Stay away from this petridish of a man. He sounds like the sort of degenerate who would quietly remove a condom mid shag because "it felt better for him" 🤢🤮🤢🤮

I also strongly agree given your description of him that you reported his comments to HR he might well be playing a revenge long game.... so his aim is to shag you film it secretly and show it everyone or humiliate you in some other way.

I don't for one second think his heart is pure and he has sincere longterm feelings for you

@milkyway512 this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

I promise you, you can do better.

He sounds like a sadistic predator and you sound at best naive and at worst masochistic. You need to go to long term therapy to work through all this. You need to focus on understanding yourself and then after you have self insight you will start to understand others better too.

First post nailed it!
absolutely do NOT get involved with this twat.

He’s behaving like a mean boy at school, not a fully grown adult man who fancies you.

A man who jokes about everyone waiting for you to commit suicide, laughs at your clothing, points out that you have ‘fangs’ then makes a sexual innuendo before immediately mentioning that he has a girlfriend is playing a game with you, not flirting. You shouldn’t be flattered by a man objectifying you by hinting he looks at your breasts, especially when he tried to make you feel self-conscious moments before - it’s disgusting, and suggests he’s an utter fucking creep. To be honest, if he knows you’re autistic, I’d question whether his “very intense eye contact” is just another attempt to destabilise you, and there’s a good chance he’s the sort to be laughing behind your back with others after you fawn over him.

I’m saying this as an autistic woman who struggled to understand men’s intentions when I was younger: you will make a fool of yourself if you continue entertaining the idea that he might be interested: he’s not, but he knows you fancy him and he’s taking the piss. Don’t do this to yourself, you’re going to feel hurt and humiliated if you don’t drop it now.

He is playing games not flirting

he is thinking “what can I say that I can feel smug about that she can’t report me for “

he knows you like to talk. To him and he’s getting a kick of making you like him when he hates you( edit hate or os scared of you )

Be really careful. Abusive men always test their targets to see if they will be easy to manipulate - and you have now proven to him that you would be. they do it by boundary-pushing. A person with healthy self-esteem and decent boundaries would not have tolerated anything near what you have put up with.

At best, you are his 'work entertainment' - these people like to confuse and hurt others, because it's fun for them. At worst you are being lined up as 'triangulation' with the girlfriend, and then as his next girlfriend (with her lurking in the background) if she dumps him.

You need some firm boundaries here and to shut him down - he really should have been reported for the suicide comment. Also, take a deep look at yourself and why you are willing to entertain the thought of a relationship with a vile person like this.

He's an absolute turd.

He may have a girlfriend or be making one up to make you jealous, who knows.

I’m autistic. It took forever to form a healthy relationship because I fixated on whether people just like this guy liked me, what every last word or gesture meant, how I felt…

You know what - when you meet someone who is suitable for you and interested, you know. HR isn’t involved, there isn’t a back and forth of messing around. In real life the Mr Darcy crap is stalkery and cowardly, not a reflection of a lovely but slightly awkward guy holding a candle for you.

Do not do it.

I have ADHD. It used to make me vulnerable to anyone who paid me attention (because I'm not pretty and my peers left me in their dust). I was vulnerable and slightly desperate for any crumbs of affection and the type of man who could sense that would make a beeline for me. I'd be so flattered and impressed that I'd fall for almost anyone, whatever the level of fuckwittery they used to entice me.

What you are reading as 'banter' others are hearing as abuse, manipulation and just plain weirdness. Be guided by others, because you know your own radar is off. It took me a LONG time to learn that.

He's an arsehole who needs to refer to the sexual harassment in the workplace policy. This is the equivalent of a boy in the playground being awful to you and your dad telling you it's because they fancy you - this wasn't acceptable then and it's not now. Nice guys who like you don't act like this! He's leading you on because he knows you fancy him. Stop messaging him outside of work and keep wide berth in the office.

Honey this guy sounds absolutely awful. He has a girlfriend and even if he didn’t he sounds incredibly toxic. Please keep away from him and I hope you meet someone who shows you what it actually feels like to be liked/loved!

I think he’s trying to experiment on you (How much abuse will she take?) ot manipulating you to undo the reputational damage he did last time. If you dared report him now, he can claim mixed signals, you liked it and encouraged it etc Regardless of what an official investigation would reveal, people in the office will have seen your behaviour while with him.

He probably has a gf (vile men often know how to talk to women) and he doesn’t ask you out because he doesn’t see you like that. You are someone to bully and abuse for his sadistic pleasure. If you had friends, they’d tell you to avoid this man and pull away. You shouldn’t be enjoying the attention or talking to a man who said terrible things to you in the past.

He's a twat. He's doing the early 2000s 'negging' bullshit that women tired of decades ago. Yes, it feels good to fancy someone and have attention from someone but that doesn't stop him being an immature wanker with a girlfriend who behaves inappropriately.

When you meet someone who genuinely fancies you and is a kind and good person, you won't feel unsure and on edge. You'll feel safe and cared about, and it is a much nicer feeling.

Build your self esteem and you'll start to see through this bullshit men behaviour a lot easier. There are brilliant straightforward men in the world and these negging arseholes don't deserve a second glance.

I also have ASD. I can't pick up on social cues properly from men either. I often read it the wrong way or miss it entirely.

NT men can smell the naievity of ND women and the bad ones love it and the worst of them play with it. That's what he is doing to you. I've had it done to me and had to endure six months of leering, hot/cold behaviour, bullying, staring and borderline stalking because the man in question was having sex with my TL so I couldn't complain.

He's a prick. The comment about the suicide is disgusting. Just get outside more, meet decent men and leave this MF in the dust.

You need to stop engaging with him. He’s a wanker.

A relationship with him would be an absolute disaster and terrible for your self esteem.

I would suggest counselling so you can explore why you are even contemplating a relationship with someone who is so obviously bad news. Seriously. You sound very vulnerable to being exploited by arseholes, and I worry you are at risk of ending up in an abusive relationship if you meet an arsehole who knows how to charm you, as you don't seem to able to recognise when someone is treating you badly.

This was me at your age, I wasted 10 years of my life in abusive relationships. I wish I hadn't had to learn the hard way, it was really damaging to me - to my self esteem, my health, my friendships and my career.

Yes he has a girlfriend.

Yes he is still bullying you.

Yes he probably does find you attractive but unfortunately not in a good way - it sounds like he likes having power over you. He’s a bully, bullies don’t make good boyfriends. PLEASE don’t keep flirting with him (referring to yourself as a Jezebel is flirting in this context) and letting him touch you. It’s not appropriate at work and it’s going to make him continue to blur boundaries with you in a bad way. I know it can be fun in a way but honestly he’s such bad news and will probably essentially want to flirt with or have sex with you but NEVER form a relationship with you. This will mess things up at work and better believe it’ll be you who ends up feeling you have to leave. If you want to keep your job you need to go full ice Queen with this guy and look for real friends at work - are there any nice women there your age?

I have to be honest and say I think you should stay well away from him. I think he’s messing with you a bit to boost his ego because he’s not a nice person. You sound a little vulnerable and I think he’s making use of that. A BF/partner needs to be someone who is kind, that you can rely on and boosts you up in every sense. This man’s ‘jokes’ seem to have to be to make you feel small and now he’s detected you might like him, he’s using that to ultimately make you feel small again. Please don’t go there. Really.

OP. Just get the hell away from this guy. Yuck. Come on, you’re 26. Use your brain cells please.

Be fair she’s said she has ASD and one aspect I’ve seen with my friends/family is finding it very hard esp as a young adult to grasp what friendships/relationships are supposed to be like and when people are decent/not. It’s hard.