Update on guy at work who “flirts” with me but won’t ask me on a date

[milkyway512]

I’m 26 and he’s 25, and we work in the civil service in the uk. I am ASD, just for context. I’ve got a bit of a crush on this guy because he comes up to me and pays me attention; it started off as him being quite insulting and bullying me in a way - if you look at my previous post you will see some of the stuff he said, the worst was a joke about me committing suicide an everyone waiting for it. I told my line manager.

i know I said I’d take everything everyone said on board, and I did as I made a pledge not to entertain his bullying anymore but whenever he comes up to me and he does quite unexpectedly I feel elated afterwards, it’s a bit addictive…

we’ve started talking again and he’s being a lot nicer, except he does still call me teachery. He signed my birthday card to “his favourite PE teacher” because I used to wear a coat he thinks looks like a PE teacher’s coat, so we’ve got little inside jokes…
he came up to me twice recently and touched my arm twice on one occasion, holding the soft part of my arm for a couple of seconds each time. It was very weird but he’s not unattractive and it just makes me feel a rush to think of someone liking me.

but the bit I have questions about happened last week after i messaged him a thank you for signing my birthday card, like i did everyone who signed it. He then asked me a few days later, “did you get anything nice for your birthday” and banter went on from there which involved me calling myself a Jezebel when he joked I’m bad or something and he said “I love looking into their beautiful eyes” and then he said something about me having fangs and I said “im surprised you noticed them” and he said “I’m usually looking at other things” 😳then he said the bit about looking into their beautiful eyes, and then he said “my girlfriend gets annoyed when I look into her eyes… but what’s a young man to do?” He looks into my eyes a lot and makes very intense eye contact with me when he talks to me, and stands very close and makes a lot of big movements. His nostrils also flare a lot.

so was that his way of telling me he has an girlfriend, or was he referring to me as his girlfriend because he said he liked looking into jezebel’s eyes? I’m so confused and unsure whether he was flirting with me and is interested, or is having me on when he really has a girlfriend.

i was very shocked when he said the thing about looking in other places, as that’s the first time he’s made sexual innuendo to me. He doesn’t insult me anymore, just very light teasing

what do I do? How would you read this? Does he have a girlfriend?

also I’m the only person he really talks to at work. He’s very socially clumsy and I think might be asd too.

Thank you

And like the rest of us, she will also have been socialised into excusing shitty male behaviour and making herself the problem somehow.

@milkyway512every single person on here have said the exact same thing. Please listen to us and stay away from him. You might not be able to see it, but he’s using you. He sounds like a really nasty man. If someone likes someone, they do NOT bully them. Please protect yourself and do not engage any more in conversation with him.

Creeps pick on vulnerable women. Autistic women are vulnerable because our social skills are impaired.

You can see the red flags. Heed them.

He sounds disgusting please avoid. Find someone who treats you with respect, because his type never will. And how can u consider this knowing he’s bullied you?!

He is the worst, stay away from him OP! He takes a sick pleasure in abusing disabled people, it wouldn't surprise me if he was a sexual pervert

Hi all, I am surprised I have had so many replies, I really want to thank everyone who has responded, as deep down I know something is wrong as I have been very emotionally dysregulated recently.

there are worse things he has done, like feel my bra through my shirt, touch my arm repeatedly, and called me a bitch while we were alone in a shopping centre (we bumped into each other) in response to a joke I made back to him about being able to afford m&s. I also said to him in response to a joke “I have human rights” and he said “I didn’t know people like you had human rights.”

should I go to HR? I’ve already gotten my line manager involved once, but I’ve got a different line manager now who is also really nice but isn’t aware of the history we have had. I’m just scared as my mum is lovely but a bit naive like me and I don’t think she really realises how bad he’s being.

what should I do? I don’t want to see him ever again but I also feel guilty as he could potentially get fired as he’s already been warned once.

Write everything down as accurately as you can.

You can speak to ACAS (for free) first if you want an independent view. https://www.acas.org.uk/

This is an HR matter, based on what you have said.

It is not for you to feel guilty if he has to face consequences that HR deem appropriate for his actions.

Well done for reaching out for help.

This will soon be in the past.

Sounds like a total creep!

Your title sounds like you actually want him to ask you out. However this is going nowhere so just keep contact with him to the bare minimum. If you see him outside of work just keep walking.

First post nails it.

start looking after yourself, do some things you enjoy and protect yourself from w**kers like this. All the best

The OP has ASD.

Oh Jesus, relationships don't have to be this hard

I'm glad you've seen through him.

Because you have been messaging each other until now I probably wouldn't go back to HR yet.

Distance yourself from him first. Stop messaging and chatting. Keep it professional and work related.

If he tries to persist with non-work chat or flirting shut it down. Make yourself busy with work and disengage from him. "Sorry, I have to [work related thing]...." and then walk away.

If he persists, harasses or name calls after you have made it very clear you are not reciprocating then you could go to HR.

But hopefully he'll get the message that you aren't entertaining his games anymore.

Also dead at nostrils

Is that supposed to make sense?

OH OP, do not engage with this man. You can be perfectly professional at work but not engage in any ‘chat’. Practise responding to him with, for example, “Sorry, got to go, busy!” and ignoring any insults or comments he makes in response. Write everything down. Let your manager know that you are experiencing some difficulties in your interactions with this man. Let your manager know you have ASD too so she can be aware and offer support.

Good luck!

Pardon?

Because you have been messaging each other until now I probably wouldn't go back to HR yet.

This is terrible advice, @therewasafishinthepercolator. This man has been actively abusive. OP having messaged him doesn't mitigate that.

OP, you absolutely need to tell HR about his behaviour. You are at risk from him escalating and harming you.

If he is fired the that will be 100% his responsibility, not yours.

He's not flirting he's playing you for a fool. Run for the hills

A few hours ago you hoped he was flirting, welcomed his attentions, felt elated after he’d spoken to you, read his unpleasant comments as ‘banter’, and enjoyed that he kept touching you on the arm. Now you’re thinking of reporting him to HR, you’re citing him touching you on the arm as one of the reasons for this, and you “don’t want to see him ever again”. I’m glad you’ve realised he’s not boyfriend material, but this is quite a dramatic shift in less than 12 hours!

You started engaging in/initiating banter with him after you’d already been to HR about him once. It’s important you realise you cannot return to flirting, giggly conversations, and teasing him (with things like jokes about which shops he can afford) if you go to HR about him again. For now, I’d suggest you stop talking to him unless it’s about work, tell him to stop touching you if he does it again, and hope that he gets bored and fucks off. If he doesn’t, then you can go to HR.

This was going to be my next post^^ after I read your second comment

quite a turn around!

I doubt he’ll get fired but if he does then that’s his problem.
He sounds to me like he is laughing at making you confused. Please tell your manager op that you are uncomfortable around him and see if changes can be made at work that will keep him away from you.

Yoofspeak. “I have died of laughter at the phrase ‘flared his nostrils’”. Which granted is pretty funny as a strange little observation, but the whole situation is pretty far from fucking funny.

This man is a horror, OP. The ‘negging’ is all part of the psychological shithousery used by inadequate men to throw you off balance and make you seek their approval, which is why you’re feeling flattered by any positive attention you get from him, but also confused because you know deep down he’s a grade A arsehole.

Definitely escalate with HR. You sound quite vulnerable and he’s toying with you - some of the stuff he’s doing and saying sounds really malicious and you don’t need to put up with it.

Pointing out that someone flares his nostrils is very weird and funny.

You are vulnerable and unable to understand social cues and communication. Because so many others have summed up what a twat he is already, just focus on the fact that he is someone you should be staying well away from.

I actually think you should go back to HR and ask them to put something further in place to protect you. They have a duty of care towards you and, assuming your have revealed your autism diagnosis, they should see this situation for what it is and support you.