Falling in love with someone else but trying not to

[SsecretSsquirrel]

This will be a long one.

First off I am married to my best friend, he is great, no one is prefect but he's damn near close. I find him very attractive and he's lovely and kind and I couldn't ask for more. I also wasn't looking for anything extra marital at all and I didn't even notice this guy at first.

So I (mid 30s) work with a younger guy (mid 20s) and we got put on a project together. It's a creative tech industry and so he is learning off of me and my level and it's also a social industry - you go to conferences after work and drinks etc, particularly if you are newer in your career (him) or trying to stay relevant with all the AI stuff coming in (me).

Essentially we get on like best friends. We just got chatting and we have so much in common including countries we grew up in. He's a labrador type of guy and I'm the same, I just fall in love with kind people. He's friendly and sweet, we have the same humour, and at first I though he had a crush on me because he kept following me to get coffee or lunch and saves me a seat at work, invites me to conferences. People at work noticed how close we were getting and some catty people made silly comments.

Long story short this has been building for months now and I try to avoid him a bit now (like the days he's in or sitting near him), I don't want to talk to him more than anyone else at work, I went away and didn't speak to him for about 2 weeks, and then we got back to work and it was just like no time had passed, we just laugh till we cry. I think I remind him of his family which he's very close to and the only way I can describe it is pure true love like I love him as a lovely sweet perfect person who brings more joy into the world just by being here (which sounds mushy but I am mushy).

Essentially I want him to find a girlfriend, I don't want to disrupt anything in my life. But I've never felt so strongly for someone so quickly. I don't think I fancy him but I think about him a lot and that feels awful. Does anyone have friendships like this? I really wish male / female friendships worked out more but then I don't know if this is something I should cut off given the age difference and closeness? I've spoken openly about my husband to him and vica versa and invited my husband to a work even to meet everyone and make it all above board. But I miss him more than I expect to when we've had a day of fun and laughter together and I think it's pretty obvious to anyone around us that we both just think the world of each other. Our boss calls us a special little friendship (which makes us sound like school kids 😝) and he said I'm one of his favourite people at work. At the Christmas party he signed us up to do karaoke together, and I mingled and danced with others and had a blast, and then later I sat and he came and sat by me and we were chatting and then time had just flown and I realised all of our team were elsewhere and we had just laughed and joked for ages.

Last points - he's a fair bit younger than me, we have each others phone numbers and have sent the odd work thing when we were on an AI project together and the deadline was coming up but it was purely work and it's because with flexi hours you don't always know if people are at their desk. I think he's just a very sweet friendly younger guy. I don't know what I expect here just maybe a sense check or I just want to confess, I don't know. I tell my husband all the time 'oh I love him, oh I love her' about friends and stuff and I've said it about this guy, I'm really trying to be transparent and honest and respectful.

Edit: Just reread the title and it's a bit strong. I wouldn't say I'm falling in love but just it does feel like I love him like a best friend or something and very quickly, but it makes me sad because this doesn't feel sustainable. Yet every time I think 'he's going to find some girl he likes at work or new friend group' he doesn't he's just always there and we have a laugh. I have a lot of work friendships but only a select few I have any meaningful conversations and he's one of those.

You're married though.

I'm not sure where you're going with this but it all seems very innocent 'teenage' type of stuff but you're not, you're adults and this type of thing is a broadside to a marriage.

Feels a very speshul situation doesnt it? You and your beau in this world?

Regardless - there is nothing one jott special about your sitch. Same old stuff. Leave the husband or cut ties with the guy. Nothing special or complex about this.

Yes alreally similar happened to me once. It's only now that I'm older I reflect that I'd hate my partner to be in a similar situation, I'd be really jealous!

However..... Much as people often used to assume me and this colleague were an item I genuinely didn't fancy him. We just gravitated towards each other and were incredibly close and supportive of each other, working in an intense environment and socialising after. Like you I also made sure my partner was included and spoken about plenty. And like you I also think my partner is pretty close to perfection.

You might be different, but I actually couldn't have that kind of friendship with a guy I found attractive. I'd be way too awkward!

I think the reason I sometimes feel guilty looking back is because lots of women did find him attractive so sometimes my brain tries to suggest I did too. But when I think back I know I definitely didn't. There was chemistry, but not sexual chemistry.

Is it sustainable? Well our incredible friendship did not survive him finally getting a serious girlfriend. So I think possibly I was fulfilling something for him which he wasn't for me. I'm genuinely happy for him though.

Your work colleagues will be gossiping about you and laughing at you. Can you really bear to take this level of public scrutiny, risking both your job and your marriage?

I don’t know what there is to laugh about, loads of people are friends with other people at work and it’s not like we hang out alone. Yes he comes with me to get lunch sometimes but we come back to the office with it and eat with people. Would people really gossip about 2 adults spending time together? Also if they are I don’t really care. I don’t for a second think my job is in trouble I’m generally laughing and joking with a lot of people, it just so happens this guy is a guy

But you said in tbe tag line to this thread 'Falling in love with someone else'. So, are you falling in love with someone else, or is he just a mate?

You obviously feel that this is inappropriate otherwise you wouldn’t need to ask. You know you’re crossing lines and you need to be the grown up here and back off. Is this friendship worth risking your marriage? How would you feel if your husband had this kind of relationship with a single 20 something woman?

I am married yes, and others have said ‘leave your husband or cut off the guy’. I guess I’m asking does this have to be something I choose between? No one has done anything wrong except really click, and there’s a lot of male/female podcast relationships that are just banter and laughing and totally professional.

Someone mentioned they’d be jealous and hurt if their husband had this with someone - I completely agree and get you and that’s exactly what I think I’m asking this for. My husband has a lot of very close female friendships and I love that he has them and can appreciate and love women for the people they are. Could this be like that or does the age thing block it?

I think it's pretty obvious to anyone around us that we both just think the world of each other.

Our boss calls us a special little friendship

Would people really gossip about 2 adults spending time together?

I think you have answered your own question there, before you get into the rather odd idea that not seeing a work colleague for two weeks is a long time and might have changed your relationship.

Yes I think you’re right. When you say back off we don’t spend any time outside of work together apart from at conferences with other colleagues. Do you mean just avoid him more at work?

You have done nothing wrong right up until the next time the two of you are laughing and so close and there is dancing and drinks and all your colleagues have mysteriously gone off and left the two of you alone and one of you acts on your feelings. Come on, OP. Don't shit on your own doorstep.

I've got/had loads of male best friends and it's always absolutely platonic, with everything you've described! So, its 100% possible.
However, what i will say is this (and what i often say to myself), would you be okay with this if it was your husband with female besties?
I genuinely aren't bothered by male/female relationships and my partner has lots! But the above question needs to be considered.
I hope this helps :)

It all sounds very immature. You're a married woman...your poor husband.

You said yourself in your opening post:
"People at work noticed how close we were getting and some catty people made silly comments". They are just the ones that are open with you about it. Everyone else will be thinking the same even if they don't say it out loud. It is human nature.
You are being incredibly naive, OP.

This is the thing I don’t think there actually are feelings there other than very strong mates. I do think we have maybe grown very quickly to laugh and joke together but I’m not convinced there are feelings there more than friends, I’m definitely not thinking about anything physical with him and he is firnedly like this with absolutely everyone - guy or girl. For context I travelled with another girl from work socially, had a girl and guy from work stay at my house on separate times after work events. My colleague at work just went on holiday with 2 colleagues. Maybe I haven’t given enough context - it’s a really sociable group and we travel internationally with work

You are having an emotional affair.

Nip it in the bud. It's not worth it. You probably just enjoy the feeling of being young and flirting with another bloke. Reminds you of being young and carefree again, eh?

Grass is always greener on the other side and whatever the other old sayings are.

I don't think its got anything to do with age. I thibk ypu've posted because you probably have an inkling this might cross the line in the near future and are perhaps either looking for validation or to be advised to leave it alone.

Personally, I'd leave well alone. My marriage was rocked by similar on 2014. A work friendship which developed into something else.

Make up your mind.... which one you want.

Hope there are no kids mixed up in this mess.

Thank you for this, and yes this is what I’m asking myself, and he does actually at his work. He mostly works with women, and actually a big group of them came to our wedding and at the wedding they asked could he come on holiday with them and I said yes absolutely, and then they asked me and now we’re all great friends.

Some people on here are saying I clearly am being naive and starting rumours at work and my poor husband but I don’t know I trust him completely and he trusts me and this is exactly why I’m writing this right now because I’m just checking - can this become a long standing friendship? If not fine, it’s just not meant to be, but also I’m really trying to make sure I’m not exacerbating anything. I think he is lovely but I do also think many women and men at my work and in my life are absolutely lovely. I’ve got mostly girl close friendships at work and he’s the first guy in this situation because usually with guys if it goes like this it gets weird and then it’s a no but I don’t think this has gotten weird but that’s just what I’m checking

But thank you, I think I feel the same way about you about male/female friendships, and thank you for your lovely message

The impression I get is that you are over thinking this.

We all have different aspects to ourselves and some parts are going to be more compatible with some people than others.

You make a point of how attractive you find your husband, and then how you have a shared sense of humour with this other man but perhaps not so much attraction.

It's up to you how you rate the importance of all these charactistics.

I think we come across people and connect with them as if they are family. I think this may be where this connection needs to go.

Make some exciting plans you've been putting off with your husband x

Also I don’t think I clarified - my boss calls me the glue of the team as I’m very sociable, everyone has their special friendships, it makes it sound worse without context I think

It’s taking up too much time, OP. The huge gushing post about how wonderful this work colleague is and how you are such special friends even the boss has commented. Texting outside of work. When do you gush or think about your marriage? There is a huge imbalance here. I hope you don’t have DC to drag into this situation?

I would be worried how I come across in my work environment. Just remember it is some guy at work and nothing more than that. He is getting paid to do a job and so are you.

All this extra is noise and distraction from doing your work with mooning about and such means you’re not focusing on your work and also your marriage.

The question is, do you want your husband? Start with that.

Then my honest opinion is, if you'd be fine with it, then it is fine! Please don't react too much to the judgemental folk on here, this happens ALOT in my friendships too. Because of open and honest communication, my partner even gets on brilliantly with my male friends. (On our first date he paid for one male bestie, his partner and me of course, a meal!)
I think the only reason you think you're doing something wrong is because you're being told you are, not because its actually wrong.
I resonated with your post so much because my male friends all throughout my life have been like my brothers and I loved them completely, but I felt the same as you, not attracted to them, not bothered by them romantically etc.
Just keep happy and I actually think its lovely how you're worried, it does actually show you're a nice character as opposed to most of the 1850 opinions on this thread ☺️

People at work noticed how close we were getting and some catty people made silly comments.

Are they silly, though? After all, you've come onto Mumsnet this evening to write upwards of 1,000 words gushing about this guy rather than spending time with your husband.

Thank you for this - this is what I was hoping people might say / think. I would love this to become long term great friends like extended family - he talks to me a lot about his family. We’re both in a similar position where we moved to a big city and are growing our friendships and I think the fact we just click has been unexpected but also a bit inevitable because I do think socially I’m quite lonely having moved away from close friendships and I want to build more friends in the city. I suppose this is what I’m hoping this can become